- [first lines]
- Shrek: Wow, that expired cheesecake was surprisingly delicious.
- [His stomach rumbles]
- Shrek: Oh shit, what the hell is happening?
- [He defecates all over the couch]
- Shrek: Ah, that felt good.
- [Mario walks into the room, looking angry]
- Shrek: Oh, hi there, Donkey. Didn't see you there.
- Mario: Save it, motherfucker! You just shat all over the couch, and some of it even got on the walls and the floor. Shrek, I've reached my limit. Today is punishment day!
- Mario: Yum, yummy! That burger, fries, and soda tasted fantastic.
- [He notices that Shrek hasn't eaten anything]
- Mario: Hey, wait a minute! Shrek, why haven't you ever touched your baby food yet?
- Shrek: Donkey, please! I really don't want to eat baby food for lunch; it's disgusting!
- Mario: Well, maybe if you didn't purposely eat expired cheesecake and shit on my couch, this wouldn't have happened to you in the first place. Now eat your baby food immediately, or I will shove it down your throat.
- [Shrek ignores him]
- Mario: Oh, I see; you're giving me the silent treatment, aren't you? Alright, I'll take your silence as a yes.
- [He walks to Shrek and pulls out the jar of baby food]
- Mario: Okay, Shrek, now, here comes the choo-choo train. Open wide!
- [Shrek begins eating the baby food]
- Shrek: [vomits] Holy- fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! That tasted horrible! At least I finished it.
- Mario: Not so fast, fat-ass! You still need to drink your baby formula.
- Shrek: No no no no no no no no! Please, anything but that!
- Mario: Say all you want, bitch!
- [Shrek begins drinking out of a baby bottle. Cut to an exterior shot of the house as Shrek vomits off-screen]
- Mario: Sixth punishment: Getting trampled by cattle at Temple Grandin's Ranch.
- [He kicks Shrek into a pen full of cattle]
- Shrek: Waaaaaaaaaaaa!
- Cow: [mooing]
- Shrek: Cows, I'm begging you! Don't trample me!
- Cow: [mooing]
- Shrek: Um... what?
- [the cows begin trampling Shrek. A censorship bar covers up the action]
- Shrek: Ouch! Ouch!
- [screaming]
- Mario: [laughing]
- Shrek: Fuck! Can't this day just get any worse?
- Cow: [mooing]
- Shrek: What the fuck is it now?
- [a cow turns around and poops all over Shrek's head. Cut to a shot of the globe as Shrek vomits off-screen]
- Mario: Seventh punishment: Kicking Harry Styles off a building.
- Shrek: No! Donkey, Harry Styles is my favorite member of One Direction. Don't kick him off a building!
- Mario: You're not getting your way, asshole! I'm kicking this untalented motherfucker off a building, no matter what. One Direction is a shitty band anyway, so who the fuck cares? No one gives a rat's ass if I kick Harry off a building. Shrek, say farewell to Harry Shitpiles!
- [He kicks Harry Styles from behind, knocking him off the top of the building they're standing on]
- Harry Styles: Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!
- [He lands in the street, and blood spills out of his head]
- Shrek: Oh, fucksicles! Harry Styles is dead! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!
- [a car drives down the road and runs over Harry's corpse. Blood and guts splatter all over the street and the nearby buildings, and Shrek vomits at the sight of the gore]
- Mario: Shrek, this is Stone the koala. Say hi to him.
- Shrek: Oh, hi there, Stone.
- Stone: Well, it's a pleasure to see you, mate.
- Mario: Oh, and I almost forgot: I'm gonna assure you that Stone, in fact, had four spicy burritos from Taco Bell at lunch today. He also has irritable bowel syndrome, which means that spicy foods don't have a good relationship with his digestive system as they will give him tons of bad gas... so for your eighth punishment, he will be farting on you. I gotta go now. Have a good time with your newfound friend.
- [He walks out the door]
- Stone: So, what are you up to today?
- Shrek: Oh, um... nothing, how about you?
- Stone: Well, Mario said that he'll pay me $100 if I farted on you, so if you'll excuse me, I need to get to work.
- Shrek: No no no no no no no no! Please, have mercy! Don't fart on me!
- Stone: Hey, you don't talk like that to me, chap! I'm not letting you stand in my way! I'm getting my $100, and that is final!
- [He points his rear end at Shrek's face]
- Shrek: No! Stone, there must be another way! Please!
- Stone: There is only one way. Thunder down under, bitch!
- [He begins farting in Shrek's face]
- Shrek: Waaaaaaaaaa! Get your fresh, smelly koala ass off me! Waaaaaaaaaa!
- Stone: Sniff the dark realm of my asshole, motherfucker!
- [He stops farting and gets away from Shrek's face]
- Shrek: [vomits] Ooh... your farts tasted like pig throw up mixed with dead fish!
- Stone: Well, I don't give a fuck! You deserve to get farted on!
- [Mario comes back into the room]
- Mario: Stone, did you get the deed done?
- Stone: Hell yeah, and just to let you know, Shrek was being a disobeying bastard!
- Mario: Oh, was he? I am so sorry to hear that! I also have a few more punishments to give Shrek.
- [Money appears in his hand]
- Mario: But in the meantime, here's $100.
- Stone: Oh, you shouldn't have! Thank you, Mario!
- [He takes the money from Mario's hand and walks away]
- [last lines]
- Mario: Tenth and last punishment: Turning you into a baby and sending you to Antarctica.
- Shrek: Donkey, don't do this! I will be short and insignificant, and Antarctica is so so so so so so so so so cold!
- Mario: Oh, just watch me, idiot!
- [He pulls out a magic wand, then uses it to turn Shrek into a baby]
- Shrek: [crying]
- Mario: Shut the fuck up, retarted baby! If you don't mind, I must take you to a winter wonderland... right now!
- [He takes Shrek to the balcony]
- Mario: Welcome to Antarctica, dickfart!
- [He kicks Shrek into the air]
- Shrek: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
- [He lands on the surface of Antarctica, and a pool of blood forms at his head]
- Mario: Okay, this is your ninth punishment. Do you want to know what it is?
- Shrek: Fuck, no! Nothing can get any worse from here!
- Bethany: [walks into the room] Hi there, you must be Shrek. I'm Bethany, your new girlfriend you just met on Tinder.
- Shrek: You whoop? Hell no! You are not my girlfriend, and I've never been on Tinder! I also never want to date a hideous skank like you. Go find a guy who likes ugly chicks!
- [He cowers as Mario's body catches on fire]
- Mario: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Shrek, you've just fucked up big time! Now, start kissing Bethany!
- Shrek: No! I don't want to!
- Mario: I said kiss Bethany right now, or else I will cut off your pathetic ears!
- Shrek: Okay... okay... I'll meet your demands.
- Bethany: Here is your kiss of death, douchebag!
- [She begins kissing Shrek, who vomits after they finish kissing]
- Bethany: Goodbye. Never talk to me again, asswipe!