Brad Jones: Cinema Snob

Quotes 

• Cinema Snob : We open with a girl on her way to church before acting in this sinful movie.

• [referring to Mrs. Voorhees' reactions] 

  Cinema Snob : Your smile is telling me that we're friends, but your eyes are telling me that I'm gonna see my other friends in Hell.

• Cinema Snob : Just a little tip. If you hear someone calling out in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm, don't go outside. Just call someone.

  [Camera freezes on Snob grimacing] 

  Announcer : [Music plays]  This has been Cowardly Cinema Snob's Tips for Children.

• Cinema Snob : See kids, back then we had to use our payphones in giant hollowed-out cherries.

• The Truck Driver (Rex Everhart) : In 1962 they was gonna open up, the water was bad.

  Cinema Snob : Bad water? Was the killer just really lazy that year and decided to shit in the water? Because I am pretty sure they drink out of the lake anyway!

• [the truck driver drops Annie off in front of a cemetery] 

  Cinema Snob : Well, you're gonna end up here anyway, so might as well drop you off at the cemetery to save you a trip and all.

• Cinema Snob : Whoo, whoo! The actress playing Marcie was in The Royal Romance of Charles and Diana with Ray Milland who was in The Last Tycoon with Theresa Russell who was in Wild Things with Kevin Bacon. Yeah!

  [Pumps fist in victory] 

• [Ned shoots arrow at target immediately after Brenda sets it up, scaring her] 

  Ned (Mark Nelson) : Ta-da!

  Brenda (Laurie Bartram) : Are you crazy?

  Cinema Snob : Hey, he is the comic relief. Let him try to kill you so long as it is funny!

• Cinema Snob : First they are killing teenagers, now they are kidnapping the music from Psycho? For shame!

• [Crazy Ralph comes out of the storeroom where he has been hiding] 

  Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney) : I am the messenger of God!

  Cinema Snob : Wonder how in the hell long was he in there? If no one opened that door, was he planning on staying in there all night? Well, at least he picked the room with the food in it so he wouldn't starve to death.

• Cinema Snob : People call this place "doomed", "cursed", "Camp Blood"... you know, if it were me... I would still stay, at least I know I would get laid first.

• [Jack and Marcie are making out on the bed] 

  Cinema Snob : Mmm, your tongue is like an arrow piercing through my throat!