Expiration Date (I) (2014)

Robin Atkin Downes: Medic

Quotes 

• Engineer : Guys! Hey fellas, listen! It's just bread that gets tumors!

  Medic : Not even tumors! It's some form of self-aware beauty mark zhat only metastasizes in an environment of pure wheat! Here, vatch zhis!

  [shakes specimen jar] 

  Medic : Oh look! It hates me so much!

  Engineer : So, we're fine! Long as nobody teleports any bread.

  Soldier : Question.

  Engineer : [chuckles]  What's your question, Soldier?

  Soldier : I teleported bread.

  Engineer : [upset]  What?

  Soldier : You told me to.

  Engineer : [foreboding]  How much?

  Soldier : I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days.

  Medic : [urgently]  Vhere? Vhere have you been sending it?

  [ground shakes as bread monster emerges] 

• Spy : How long before these... tumors kill us?

  Medic : Vell, let's see.

  [he gestures, thinking out loud] 

  Medic : Ve all use the teleporter, let's say six times a day... Times four years. Minus... ve're not bread. Hmm. Three days. Yes.

  [zoom in on his face] 

  Medic : We all have *three days to live*.

• Scout : [struggling after they've been "eaten" by the bread monster]  Aaahhhh... Ah... Miss Pauling, you all right?

  Miss Pauling : [opening her eyes]  I can't feel anything below my neck...

  Scout : Oh God...

  Miss Pauling : Oh. Now I can feel it. Ow. Ow.

  Scout : Oh God, I am so sorry. This is...

  Miss Pauling : That... was so... much... FUN!

  [a smile forms on her face] 

  Scout : [a look of confusion on his face]  You're not mad?

  Miss Pauling : [quickly]  I was furious. Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm and you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we shot it and we built a bomb and I think my leg's broken. Can we do this again?

  Scout : Yeah, sure!

  [He smiles, but frowns upon remembering about the "death watches" they were all given] 

  Scout : Wait, nah. We can't. I'm going to be dead.

  Miss Pauling : [Confused]  Wait, what?

  Soldier : [poking his head into the cavity]  Good news! We're not dying! We are going to live forever!

  Medic : [the Heavy opens up a side of the dead bread monster, letting light in]  I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with tumors!

  Scout : Oh thank God.

  [relaxes and chuckles]