Expiration Date (I) (2014)

Rick May: Soldier

Quotes 

• Spy : [drawing card from Bucket list]  Our first dying wish is Scout's! He's... drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car.

  [examines closely] 

  Spy : I have... something radiating off me.

  Scout : Yeah, those are stink lines.

  [to Heavy] 

  Scout : That's why the car hit 'em: because he smells!

  Spy : Yes, I see.

  [pulls another card] 

  Spy : Here you have drawn me having sexual congress with the Eiffel Tower...

  Scout : Heh heh heh.

  Spy : [pulls another card]  ... Eiffel Tower having sexual congress with me...

  Scout : Heh heh heh.

  Spy : [pulls yet another card]  ... both of us relaxing, post-coitus...

  Demoman : [mouthing]  "Post-coitus"?

  Spy : [continuing]  ... I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it, did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket?

  Scout : Oh man, classic Scout!

  Spy : Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.

  Soldier : You did not read mine!

  Scout : [sighs]  Does it say you want the bucket?

  Soldier : Yes!

  Spy : [pushes bucket towards Soldier, lights cigarette]  See you all in Hell.

• Engineer : Guys! Hey fellas, listen! It's just bread that gets tumors!

  Medic : Not even tumors! It's some form of self-aware beauty mark zhat only metastasizes in an environment of pure wheat! Here, vatch zhis!

  [shakes specimen jar] 

  Medic : Oh look! It hates me so much!

  Engineer : So, we're fine! Long as nobody teleports any bread.

  Soldier : Question.

  Engineer : [chuckles]  What's your question, Soldier?

  Soldier : I teleported bread.

  Engineer : [upset]  What?

  Soldier : You told me to.

  Engineer : [foreboding]  How much?

  Soldier : I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days.

  Medic : [urgently]  Vhere? Vhere have you been sending it?

  [ground shakes as bread monster emerges] 

• Spy : [the spy places a bucket of notecards on the table. A literal bucket list]  *This* is a bucket.

  Soldier : [examines the bucket]  Dear God.

  Spy : There's more.

  Soldier : [astonished]  No!

  Spy : [ignoring him]  It contains the dying wish of every man here.

  [turns] 

  Spy : Scout. You did collect everyone's dying wish?

  Scout : Oh, you bet!

  Spy : Excellent. Gentlemen, synchronize your death watches.

• Engineer : [after he and the Medic show everyone that teleporting bread gives it tumors]  Y'all know what this means right?

  Soldier : [the Soldier suddenly grabs the Scout by the neck and slams him onto the table]  Arrghh! We cannot teleport bread anymore!

  Engineer : [the Engineer intervenes]  Whoa! Whoa... Not exactly, Soldier.

  [he places his hand on the Soldier's back and smiles] 

  Engineer : You teleport as much bread as you like.

  [he removes his helmet] 

  Engineer : That goes for all of ya. If there's something any of y'all wanted to do before ya... Well. Died. Now would be a... good time.

• Scout : [struggling after they've been "eaten" by the bread monster]  Aaahhhh... Ah... Miss Pauling, you all right?

  Miss Pauling : [opening her eyes]  I can't feel anything below my neck...

  Scout : Oh God...

  Miss Pauling : Oh. Now I can feel it. Ow. Ow.

  Scout : Oh God, I am so sorry. This is...

  Miss Pauling : That... was so... much... FUN!

  [a smile forms on her face] 

  Scout : [a look of confusion on his face]  You're not mad?

  Miss Pauling : [quickly]  I was furious. Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm and you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we shot it and we built a bomb and I think my leg's broken. Can we do this again?

  Scout : Yeah, sure!

  [He smiles, but frowns upon remembering about the "death watches" they were all given] 

  Scout : Wait, nah. We can't. I'm going to be dead.

  Miss Pauling : [Confused]  Wait, what?

  Soldier : [poking his head into the cavity]  Good news! We're not dying! We are going to live forever!

  Medic : [the Heavy opens up a side of the dead bread monster, letting light in]  I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with tumors!

  Scout : Oh thank God.

  [relaxes and chuckles]