Doctor Who (TV Series)

The Husbands of River Song (2015)

Peter Capaldi: The Doctor

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Quotes 

• River Song : When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!

  [River glances back at the Doctor, who offers a small smile... and then falls into a stunned silence as she finally realizes who he truly is] 

  The Doctor : [whispers]  Hello, sweetie.

• [last lines] 

  The Doctor : They've been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and... time. Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when wind stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it, but always... when you need it the most... there is a song.

  River Song : So... assuming tonight is all we have left...

  The Doctor : I didn't say that.

  River Song : How long... is a night on Darillium?

  The Doctor : Twenty-four years.

  [River gasps in shock and relief] 

  River Song : [tearfully]  I hate you.

  The Doctor : No, you don't.

• River Song : I'm an archaeologist.

  The Doctor : Slash murderer slash thief.

  River Song : An archaeologist *is* just a thief. With patience.

• The Doctor : My back's playing up. It simply refuses to carry the weight of an entirely pointless stratum of society who contribute nothing of worth to the world and crush the hopes and dreams of working people.

• River Song : Don't use my name. Ever. How do you know me?

  The Doctor : Well, it's a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart.

• River Song : Oh, before you come in, you'd better prepare yourself for a shock. It's not as snug as it looks.

  [River goes into the TARDIS] 

  The Doctor : Finally!

  Ramone : Finally?

  The Doctor : It's my go.

  [the Doctor enters the TARDIS] 

  The Doctor : Oh. My. God. Oh, it's bigger...

  River Song : Well, yes.

  River Song : ...on the inside...

  The Doctor : Look, we need to concentrate.

  River Song : ...than it is...

  The Doctor : I know where you're going with this, but I need you to calm down.

  River Song : ...on the outside!

  The Doctor : Well, you've certainly grasped the essentials.

  River Song : My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever!

  [River walks away] 

  The Doctor : Sorry. I've always wanted to see that done properly.

• River Song : If either of you use my name again, I will remove your organs in alphabetical order. Any questions?

  The Doctor : Which alphabet?

• The Doctor : I think I'm going to need a bigger flowchart.

• River Song : Does sarcasm help?

  The Doctor : Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?

• River Song : There are stories about us, you know.

  The Doctor : Oh, I dread to think.

  River Song : I look them up sometimes.

  The Doctor : You really shouldn't do that.

  River Song : Some of them suggest that... the very last night we spend together is at the Singing Towers of Darillium. That wouldn't... be true, would it?

  The Doctor : [looks straight ahead]  Spoilers.

  [River gasps] 

  River Song : [shakily]  Well, that would ex-explain why you kept cancelling coming here. Do you remember that time when there were two of you...

  The Doctor : River, stop. Please. Don't.

  River Song : ...because I want you to know that if this is the last night, I expect you to find a way around it.

  The Doctor : Not everything can be avoided. Not forever.

  River Song : But you're you. There's always a loophole. You wait until the last minute and you spring it on me.

  The Doctor : Every night is the last night for something. Every Christmas is last Christmas.

  River Song : But you will! You'll wait until I've given up hope, all will be lost, and you'll do that smug little smile and then you'll save the day! You always do!

  The Doctor : No, I don't. Not always. Times end, River, because they have to. Because there's no such thing as "happy ever after". It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.

  River Song : No, Doctor. You're wrong. "Happy ever after" doesn't mean forever. It just means time. A little time. But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?

• River Song : Hang on a minute. I recognise that planet.

  The Doctor : Well, that's nice. Maybe they'll name the crater after us.

  River Song : That's Darillium!

  The Doctor : Always good to know where we're going. Could you concentrate on your work, please?

  River Song : You know, the Singing Towers.

  The Doctor : Yes, I'll be sure to give them a wave as we zoom past.

  River Song : You always say you're going to take me there for dinner and then you always cancel at the last minute.

  The Doctor : I'd quite like to cancel this time too, if at all possible.

• The Doctor : You look... er, amazing.

  River Song : Doctor, you have no idea whether I look amazing or not.

  The Doctor : Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?

  River Song : Well done. It's very sweet of you to try.

• River Song : Darling, in the event of a sudden meteor strike on the lower starboard decks, where would you say is the safest place to stand?

  Flemming : Meteor strike?

  The Doctor : Exactly here, I should think.

  River Song : Do you know what that isn't? A coincidence.

  The Doctor : Your escape plan.

  River Song : It's cheaper than a taxi.

  Scratch : What meteor strike?

  Computer : Alert: meteor storm imminent.

  River Song : That meteor strike.

  Flemming : [shocked]  How could you know?

  River Song : I'm an archaeologist from the future. I dug you up.

  [meteors begin to crash into the ship] 

  River Song : See you in four hundred years!

• River Song : You don't look much like your pictures.

  The Doctor : Well, that's an ongoing problem for me.

• The Doctor : What's the book?

  River Song : Oh, it's my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on a spaceship.

  The Doctor : Is it sad?

  River Song : Why would a diary be sad?

  The Doctor : I don't know. It's just that you look sad.

  River Song : It's nearly full.

  The Doctor : So?

  River Song : The man who gave me this was the sort of man who'd know exactly how long a diary you were going to need.

  The Doctor : He sounds awful.

  River Song : I suppose he is. I've never really thought about it.

  The Doctor : Not somebody special then?

  River Song : No. But terribly useful every now and then.

• The Doctor : [long pause]  Hello, sweetie.

  River Song : You are so doing those roots.

  The Doctor : What, the roots of the sunset?

  River Song : Don't you dare.

  The Doctor : I'll have to check with the stars themselves.

  River Song : Oh, shut up.

• River Song : [sees the Doctor lying in the snow, laughing]  Is something funny?

  King Hydroflax : [in bag]  Who dares laugh at Hydroflax? You shall be crushed! You shall scream in fear! Let me out of this bag!

  River Song : This is a serious mission in a critical phase. There is nothing to laugh about here.

  The Doctor : [laughing]  We're being threatened by a bag! By a head in a bag!

  King Hydroflax : [in bag]  I shall make dust of you. My enemies are meat for the devouring!

  The Doctor : I can't approve of any of this, you know, but I haven't laughed in a long time.

• The Doctor : [to TARDIS]  You are a time-space machine. You're a vehicle! I've never asked you to cheer me up with hologrammatic antlers!

• River Song : Doesn't look very impressive, does he? Nardole, what have you brought to my doorstep?

  The Doctor : I've had a haircut. This is my best suit.

• King Hydroflax : Can you save me, Surgeon?

  The Doctor : Well, that depends upon what's wrong with you.

  River Song : There's something in his brain.

  The Doctor : You could have fooled me.

• The Doctor : Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.

  River Song : Hush, man.

  The Doctor : Don't hush me. I'm not a hushing person.

• The Doctor : What do you think, by the way?

  River Song : Of what?

  The Doctor : My new body.

  River Song : Oh, I'll let you know. I've only seen the face.

• The Doctor : So... King Hydroflax?

  River Song : Ugh, how many times? I married the diamond!

  The Doctor : So you say.

  River Song : Elizabeth the First.

  The Doctor : Ramone.

  River Song : Marilyn Monroe.

  The Doctor : Stephen Fry.

  River Song : Cleopatra!

  The Doctor : Same thing!

• The Doctor : Get back in the Tardis! This is my job!

  River Song : This is my job!

  The Doctor : I've been doing it longer.

  River Song : I do it better.

  The Doctor : River, not one person on this ship, not one living thing, is worth you!

  River Song : Or you!

• Nardole : We weren't sure where you'd come down.

  The Doctor : Sorry?

  Nardole : In your capsule.

  The Doctor : I'm never sure. I don't like being sure about things. One minute you're sure, the next everybody turns into lizards and a piano falls on you.

  Nardole : Piano?

  The Doctor : It's been a long day.

• The Doctor : Sonic trowel. You realise how ridiculous that sounds?

• The Doctor : You're doing it wrong.

  River Song : I am certainly not.

  The Doctor : Not those levers.

  River Song : Hush.

  The Doctor : You probably want to press that button.

  River Song : Why? That evacuates the waste tank on deck seven.

  The Doctor : Does it?

  River Song : What is wrong with you?

  The Doctor : Better avoid deck seven then.

• The Doctor : Mmm. What do you think of the towers?

  River Song : I love them.

  The Doctor : Then why are you ignoring them?

  River Song : They're ignoring me. But then you can't expect a monolith to love you back.

  The Doctor : No, you can't.

• The Doctor : You're talking about murdering someone.

  River Song : No, I'm not. I'm actually murdering someone. Cheer up, get a saw, I'll kill the lights, you kill the patient. I employed you. You agreed to this. Do you not know who that man is? King Hydroflax, the butcher of the Bone Meadows, who ends his battles by eating his enemies, dead or alive. The murder of a creature like that wouldn't weigh heavily on my conscience, even if I had one. What's that face? Are you thinking? Stop it. You're a man, it looks weird.

• River Song : I'm so sorry. This is my husband, Ramone.

  The Doctor : Another one? Are you going to kill him, too?

  Ramone : We're not actually married.

  River Song : Ah, we are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory.

  Ramone : Why?

  River Song : Well, you were being annoying.

• River Song : Now that, my dear, is a suit.

  The Doctor : Happy Christmas.

  River Song : Really? I don't think you've ever given me a present before.

  [she opens the box to reveal the sonic screwdriver she had in the Library] 

  River Song : Oh, it's a sonic screwdriver! How lovely!

  The Doctor : When I saw the sonic trowel, I thought it was just embarrassing, but look.

  [he demonstrates the screwdriver] 

  River Song : Oh, thank you.

  [kisses the Doctor on both cheeks] 

• Nardole : Don't cross your arms.

  The Doctor : He's a lying down person. I don't like lying down people. It's so untidy.

  Nardole : Keep your arms by your side, like she said.

  [the Doctor puts his arms by his side] 

  River Song : You are my one true love. the only husband I will ever have.

  [the Doctor crosses his arms angrily - Nardole taps him and he uncrosses them] 

  River Song : My time with you has been too short.

  King Hydroflax : You have given me days of adventure; many nights of passion.

  The Doctor : Oh, hah!

  [he crosses his arms again] 

  Nardole : Why do you keep crossing them?

  The Doctor : Because they cross, I've got cross arms.

• Flemming : Is the gentleman here for dinner?

  The Doctor : Yes, he is.

  Flemming : Excellent! I'll have the chef prepare him immediately.

  The Doctor : No, you won't.

  River Song : Er, he will in fact be joining me to eat.

  Flemming : I was about to suggest that force-feeding might be required.

• Scratch : I do not like surprises.

  The Doctor : Well, it's going to be a funny old day. Oh, boy.

• River Song : You know who you remind me of?

  The Doctor : Yes, probably a chap with a big...

  River Song : -My second wife!

• The Doctor : [whispering]  Any tiny hint of what species he might be?

  Nardole : [whimpering]  I dunno.

  The Doctor : [whispering]  Okay, never mind. You just stay there.

  [to monk] 

  The Doctor : You're probably going to need a mop.

• The Doctor : You know, don't you?

  River Song : Know what?

  The Doctor : Stop pretending. You know who I am.

  River Song : Who are you?

  The Doctor : You know who I am. It's... it's... it's me!

  River Song : Great. Who are you?

• The Doctor : [muffled annoyed shouting from the bag]  Sorry. It was my stomach. I have an irritable bowel.

  King Hydroflax : [in bag]  My revenge will be merciless! I will rip you open and devour you!

  The Doctor : It's having a day.

• The Doctor : A thing happened.

  River Song : I bet it probably did.

• River Song : What sort of medical school did you go to?

  The Doctor : A really good one, for doctors.

• River Song : Something's interfering with the engines, which is technically not possible.

  The Doctor : Maybe.

  River Song : How would you know?

  The Doctor : Maybe the engines are interfering with themselves. Wild theory, but what if this machine had certain safeguards? For instance, maybe it can't take off when a life form registers as being both inside and outside at the same time.

  River Song : Head and body.

  The Doctor : Which would mean - and again, I'm just wildly theorizing here - that the door would not engage properly.

  River Song : Of course! It can't seal the real-time envelope.

  The Doctor : Hence it can't take off. Not when someone is in and out at the same time. I mean, that just wouldn't be good manners, would it?

  River Song : You're very quick.

  The Doctor : Yes... for a *doctor*.

  River Song : Right.

  [River walks away] 

  The Doctor : [bewildered]  Seriously?

• The Doctor : [watching as River catches the falling diamond in her cleavage]  The diamond?

  River Song : Good, aren't I?

  The Doctor : I'm not sure good's the word.

  River Song : It better not be.