The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (TV Series)

Dyan Cannon/Dr. Ruth Westheimer (1982)

Johnny Carson: Self - Host, G. Walter Schneer

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : If you don't know about Beep the goose - Beep is out here on the West Coast, and apparently Beep - that's what they call him - lost his beak. Yes - and is being fitted with a plastic one. The operation is being performed by Dr. Sidney Goldfarb of Beverly Hills, I believe... who has been giving artificial beaks to starlets for years.

• Dyan Cannon : [on being called sexy]  It used to bother me; it doesn't anymore.

  Johnny Carson : Really?

  Dyan Cannon : Uh-huh.

  Johnny Carson : Why did it used to bother you?

  Dyan Cannon : Well, because I think that usually, if a woman seems to be attractive, that's all - that's *all* people say about her.

  Johnny Carson : Yeah.

  Dyan Cannon : But once you establish that you can think as well as look well, then I don't think it - I think... I don't think women mind being called sexy. Do you ladies mind being called sexy?... Nooo.

  Johnny Carson : Sexy and brainy is also good.

• Dyan Cannon : I went to an incredible doctor in this town - Dr. Parks - and I said, "Fix my nose, so it won't look flat." He said, "Get out of my office." Isn't he wonderful?

  Johnny Carson : Yes!

  Dyan Cannon : You see how I was protected? It was wonderful, really. He said, "That's what makes you different."

• G. Walter Schneer : Yes, can I help ya?

  Bank customer : Yes, I'd like to cash a check.

  G. Walter Schneer : Well certainly. But of course, I have to ask you a few simple questions, y'know, want to cash a check. Do you have an account in this bank?

  Bank customer : Yes I do.

  G. Walter Schneer : Uh-huh, which branch? At this branch?

  Bank customer : No.

  G. Walter Schneer : Which branch?

  Bank customer : Downtown.

  G. Walter Schneer : Uh-huh. What's your account number?

  Bank customer : Uh, 0664215178.

  G. Walter Schneer : Uh-huh. What's your mother's maiden name?

  Bank customer : Thompson.

  G. Walter Schneer : Thompson. What's your father's nickname?

  Bank customer : Butch.

  G. Walter Schneer : Uh-huh. What was his army serial number?

  Bank customer : 2365931.

  G. Walter Schneer : Uh-huh. How many people live on the island of Corsica?

  Bank customer : 269,831.

  G. Walter Schneer : How much do they weigh?

  Bank customer : 45,819,017 and one quarter pound.

  G. Walter Schneer : Wrong! You're two pounds off! That means you don't have adequate identification! You can't cash a check in here, dumbbell. Get outta here, what the hell do you think this is, a laundromat?

• G. Walter Schneer : [after a joke bombs]  A lot of people ask... "Why do a sketch like this?"