- Johnny Carson: If you don't know about Beep the goose - Beep is out here on the West Coast, and apparently Beep - that's what they call him - lost his beak. Yes - and is being fitted with a plastic one. The operation is being performed by Dr. Sidney Goldfarb of Beverly Hills, I believe... who has been giving artificial beaks to starlets for years.
- Dyan Cannon: [on being called sexy] It used to bother me; it doesn't anymore.
- Johnny Carson: Really?
- Dyan Cannon: Uh-huh.
- Johnny Carson: Why did it used to bother you?
- Dyan Cannon: Well, because I think that usually, if a woman seems to be attractive, that's all - that's *all* people say about her.
- Johnny Carson: Yeah.
- Dyan Cannon: But once you establish that you can think as well as look well, then I don't think it - I think... I don't think women mind being called sexy. Do you ladies mind being called sexy?... Nooo.
- Johnny Carson: Sexy and brainy is also good.
- Dyan Cannon: I went to an incredible doctor in this town - Dr. Parks - and I said, "Fix my nose, so it won't look flat." He said, "Get out of my office." Isn't he wonderful?
- Johnny Carson: Yes!
- Dyan Cannon: You see how I was protected? It was wonderful, really. He said, "That's what makes you different."
- G. Walter Schneer: Yes, can I help ya?
- Bank customer: Yes, I'd like to cash a check.
- G. Walter Schneer: Well certainly. But of course, I have to ask you a few simple questions, y'know, want to cash a check. Do you have an account in this bank?
- Bank customer: Yes I do.
- G. Walter Schneer: Uh-huh, which branch? At this branch?
- Bank customer: No.
- G. Walter Schneer: Which branch?
- Bank customer: Downtown.
- G. Walter Schneer: Uh-huh. What's your account number?
- Bank customer: Uh, 0664215178.
- G. Walter Schneer: Uh-huh. What's your mother's maiden name?
- Bank customer: Thompson.
- G. Walter Schneer: Thompson. What's your father's nickname?
- Bank customer: Butch.
- G. Walter Schneer: Uh-huh. What was his army serial number?
- Bank customer: 2365931.
- G. Walter Schneer: Uh-huh. How many people live on the island of Corsica?
- Bank customer: 269,831.
- G. Walter Schneer: How much do they weigh?
- Bank customer: 45,819,017 and one quarter pound.
- G. Walter Schneer: Wrong! You're two pounds off! That means you don't have adequate identification! You can't cash a check in here, dumbbell. Get outta here, what the hell do you think this is, a laundromat?