The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Consummation Deviation (2018)
Kunal Nayyar: Raj Koothrappali
Photos
Quotes
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Sheldon Cooper : Can I feed peanuts to the elephants at your wedding?
Raj Koothrappali : That is such a stereotype!
Sheldon Cooper : There won't be any elephants?
Raj Koothrappali : Of course there'll be elephants. It's a stereotype that you feed them peanuts.
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Amy Farrah Fowler : Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months?
Raj Koothrappali : Yeah, well, her family's doing most of the work. They're amazing. We talk all the time.
Sheldon Cooper : Why?
Raj Koothrappali : Because we're about to get married and they're gonna be my family.
Sheldon Cooper : Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.
Penny Hofstadter : Really? My parents love Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah. And my mother loves Penny, which is weird, because I never knew she could love.
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Raj Koothrappali : Hey, guys, before Anu gets here, can I talk about the seating situation? I really don't want her to sit on the floor.
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, no problem. Bernadette, floor.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Hey!
Howard Wolowitz : Yeah, you can't make my wife sit on the floor.
Sheldon Cooper : Fine. Howard, floor.
Penny Hofstadter : Fine, I'll sit on the floor.
Raj Koothrappali : Thank you, Penny. And Leonard, I was kind of hoping I could sit next to Anu.
Leonard Hofstadter : So now I have to sit next on the floor? It's my house. Why can't Sheldon sit on the floor?
Sheldon Cooper : That might be the dumbest thing you have ever said.
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Anu : Hi.
[suddenly unable to talk, Raj waves]
Anu : [awkwardly waving back] Everything okay?
[he heads towards the bathroom]
Anu : Why are you acting so weird?
[he takes a bottle of champagne and closes the door]
Anu : Raj? What's going on?
Raj Koothrappali : Be right out! You look beautiful!
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Raj Koothrappali : Hey, you guys have any plans for Valentine's Day?
Leonard Hofstadter : Three months from now? No.
Penny Hofstadter : What, no?
Leonard Hofstadter : I mean, secret romantic plans that would be ruined if I told you.
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Bernadette Rostenkowski : What's going on, Raj?
Raj Koothrappali : Well, how would you guys feel about going to India for my wedding?
Amy Farrah Fowler : Oh, that's so exciting!
Leonard Hofstadter : Penny, you will never guess what I have planned for Valentine's Day.
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Howard Wolowitz : Guys, guys, there's a simple solution.
Raj Koothrappali : I am not breaking up with her.
Howard Wolowitz : All right. Let's keep thinking.
Raj Koothrappali : [a few minutes later] Hey, everybody, it's Anu.
Anu : Hi.
Howard Wolowitz , Leonard Hofstadter , Penny Hofstadter , Bernadette Rostenkowski , Amy Farrah Fowler : [all crammed onto one cushion] Hi!
Sheldon Cooper : [in his spot] Welcome!
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Raj Koothrappali : Oh, I am stuffed! I should not have eaten all those dumplings.
Anu : I think we should have sex.
Raj Koothrappali : [playing it cool after almost crashing the car] Me, too.
Anu : Yeah, it's just we haven't done it yet, and I think it's important to make sure we're compatible before we get married.
Raj Koothrappali : Oh, I totally agree. Oh, just one question. While we're doing it, can I leave my shirt on? You know, the dumplings, pretty salty.
Anu : It doesn't have to be tonight. How about this weekend? I can get us a room at my hotel.
Raj Koothrappali : Okay. Sounds nice. We can order a bunch of room service, because I'm not eating anything between now and then.
Anu : Aw. Are you worried?
Raj Koothrappali : I am not worried. If anything, I'm overconfident. Edging into smug.
Anu : I'm sure it's gonna be fine.
Raj Koothrappali : Oh, it's gonna be better than fine. Trust me, I've had no complaints.
Anu : Good to know.
Raj Koothrappali : Well, I've had questions, comments, some constructive criticism, but... no complaints.
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Raj Koothrappali : Hey, Leonard, can you pause the game for a second?
Leonard Hofstadter : Uh, hang on. I'm about to beat Howard.
[Howard pauses the game]
Leonard Hofstadter : What? Hey!
Howard Wolowitz : What? He's our friend. What's up, pal?
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Raj Koothrappali : I don't know how else to say this, but, um, Anu and I are going to have sex tonight.
Howard Wolowitz : [a little too interested] Yeah...
Leonard Hofstadter : Do you know how creepy that sounds?
Howard Wolowitz : [in the same tone] Yeah...
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Leonard Hofstadter : So, is this the first time?
Raj Koothrappali : Yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter : How you feeling about it?
Raj Koothrappali : Uh... to be honest, I'm pretty anxious. I mean, this is the woman I'm marrying. What if it's no good? Do we break up? Do we... sign on for a lifetime of mediocre sex?
Leonard Hofstadter : It's... just don't put so much pressure on it. I-It's always a little awkward in the beginning. I remember the first time I slept with Penny.
Raj Koothrappali : It was bad?
Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, dude, it was awesome! I will replay it in my head until the day I die.
Howard Wolowitz : Well, if it helps, I was really nervous my first time with Bernie, but mostly because I was worried my mom would walk in.
Leonard Hofstadter : Did she?
Howard Wolowitz : Yeah.
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Bernadette Rostenkowski : I'll tell you one thing. Lock the door.
Penny Hofstadter : Yeah, Raj, you're gonna be fine. Just break out some of your Kama Sutra moves.
Raj Koothrappali : I don't really know any of that stuff. I just pretend I do to impress women. And by the way, Anu is Indian; she's gonna know there's no sexual position called a screeching lotus.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Screeching lotus?
Raj Koothrappali : Sometimes I get leg cramps. It's my cover story.
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Raj Koothrappali : Hey, Pennny. I need your help. I am freaking out.
Penny Hofstadter : Okay, is she there yet?
Raj Koothrappali : No, I got here first. You know... get the lay of the land.
Penny Hofstadter : Raj, it's gonna be okay. Look, sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. My first time with Leonard was nothing to write home about.
Raj Koothrappali : Really?
Penny Hofstadter : Yeah, but, you know, over time it got better.
Raj Koothrappali : S-So practice makes perfect?
Penny Hofstadter : Well, practice makes better.
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Raj Koothrappali : Oh, my god, oh, my god, she just texted. She's on her way up!
Penny Hofstadter : Raj, calm down. You got this.
Raj Koothrappali : Yes, thank you. Thank you. I got this.
Penny Hofstadter : And just remember, the most important thing is to have fun.
Raj Koothrappali : Stop putting so much pressure on me!
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Raj Koothrappali : Sorry, I had to use the facilities.
Anu : With a bottle of champagne?
Raj Koothrappali : Mm, I like to celebrate the little things in life. You need to go? There's still some left.
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Anu : Raj, what is going on?
Raj Koothrappali : [taking off his coat] No, no, it's not what's going on, it's what's coming off.
Anu : Stop it. You're acting weird, and it's freaking me out.
Raj Koothrappali : Why? Because I couldn't talk and ran in the bathroom to slug back a bottle of champagne when I pretended to pee?
Anu : Okay, I think I'm gonna leave.
Raj Koothrappali : No, no. Wait, wait. Don't... okay, don't go.
Anu : Fine. Then tell me what's going on.
Raj Koothrappali : Well, funny story...
Anu : The truth.
Raj Koothrappali : Oh, god, the truth is so not good for me.
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Raj Koothrappali : Okay, you wanted the truth, here it is.
Anu : You have a drinking problem.
Raj Koothrappali : No. I, uh, I have a talking problem, and a drinking solution.
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Raj Koothrappali : For most of my life, I got so nervous around women that I couldn't talk to them without alcohol.
Anu : So you've been drunk every time we've seen each other?
Raj Koothrappali : No. No, it hasn't happened in a long time. And I really thought I was over it, but I guess... I don't know, I guess I-I wanted so much for tonight to go well, that I stressed myself out. It came back.
Anu : Why didn't you tell me about this before?
Raj Koothrappali : I was embarrassed.
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Anu : If it makes you feel any better, I've got things I'm embarrassed about, too.
Raj Koothrappali : Really? Will you tell me one?
Anu : Okay. Um... Ugh. I hate telling people this. I don't like music.
Raj Koothrappali : What kind of music?
Anu : Just... all of it. It sort of seems like a waste of time.
Raj Koothrappali : Even Beyoncé?
Anu : See, this is why I don't tell people.
Raj Koothrappali : No. Um, it's fine. It's just, have you heard "Single Ladies"?
Anu : Yeah, and I don't get it. I mean, the lyrics are "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."
Raj Koothrappali : Y-You have to sing it in the voice of a goddess. Like, uh...
Anu : [he hums the melody] My point is, we both have our little eccentricities.
Raj Koothrappali : Little eccentricities? One is a deep-seated psychological disturbance, and the other can be solved with half a glass of chardonnay.
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Anu : Last night was... wonderful.
Raj Koothrappali : But all we did was talk.
Anu : Yeah. And it was wonderful. Am I safe to assume you talking to me now is a good sign for our marriage?
Raj Koothrappali : Yeah, and-and for my liver. Hey, about the other thing. Um... should we just wait for another night?
Anu : Or I go take a shower, and you decide how you want to play this.
[she heads to the bathroom, while he tries to figure out her meaning]
Anu : Take a shower with me, Raj.