The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The D & D Vortex (2019)
Johnny Galecki: Leonard Hofstadter
Photos
Quotes
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Wil Wheaton : Hey, Leonard, I have an opening in my D&D game next week, and I was wondering if you were interested in playing.
Leonard Hofstadter : [flattered] Well, yes, thank you.
Wil Wheaton : Okay, great. Now, here's the thing. You can't tell anyone. I'm serious. Not Howard, not Raj, and certainly not Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter : Okay.
Wil Wheaton : I'm really sorry to put you in a position where you have to lie to your friends...
Leonard Hofstadter : [hanging up] See you there!
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Raj Koothrappali : Hey, do you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"?
Penny Hofstadter : Nope.
Leonard Hofstadter , Howard Wolowitz : No.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Certainly not.
Raj Koothrappali : You don't even know what it's about.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Is it about a superhero who finds her voice by doing stand-up?
Raj Koothrappali : That's so much better than what I had. Mine is just a Jewish girl that flies.
Howard Wolowitz : I'd read that.
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Wil Wheaton : You come face to face with a massive monster with a gaping maw full of teeth, three huge legs, and flailing tentacles. What do you do?
William Shatner : Fellas, it looks like we're facing a, an otyugh. Here's the plan...
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar : Hold on there, Bill.
William Shatner : Now what, Kareem?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar : How do we know it's not a neo-otyugh?
William Shatner : Same way I know the difference between an owlbear and a bugbear. Does that answer your question?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar : No.
Joe Manganiello : Look, there's only one way to settle this. We chop it up and look at the pieces.
Kevin Smith : Oh, come on. Why do you always gotta attack everything? Why can't we just try talking to it?
Joe Manganiello : Big surprise, Podcast here wants to talk.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar : What do you think, Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter : I think this is the greatest day of my entire life.
William Shatner : It's all right, buddy. One day, you'll meet a girl.
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Penny Hofstadter : Hey, how was your lecture?
Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, it was so good. I-I-I mean, it-it started great, and then the, the middle was great, and then ending was, like...
[pantomiming an explosion]
Leonard Hofstadter : So great.
Penny Hofstadter : Leonard, if you went to House of Pies again, just say it.
Leonard Hofstadter : W-w-wait, if you think I'm lying, why do you think I'm eating pies? Why don't you think I'm... having an affair?
Penny Hofstadter : Listen, i-it's fine, just next time, bring me a slice.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.
Penny Hofstadter : Wait, wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
Leonard Hofstadter : I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar. How do you know him?
Penny Hofstadter : How do you *not* know him?
Leonard Hofstadter : Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.
Penny Hofstadter : Wow. That is so cool.
Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy who played the werewolf on-on "True Blood", he was there.
Penny Hofstadter : What? Joe Manganiello?
Leonard Hofstadter : Uh, yeah.
Penny Hofstadter : From "Magic Mike"?
Leonard Hofstadter : What's that?
Penny Hofstadter : [searching on her phone] Okay, okay. Did he look... like this?
Leonard Hofstadter : He had his clothes on, but yeah.
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William Shatner : Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.
Howard Wolowitz : [sounds of Sheldon vomiting] Oh, poor Shatner.
Raj Koothrappali : Poor Shatner? I have to eat lunch now.
Leonard Hofstadter : Look, Sheldon's pretty embarrassed, so when he gets here, we should...
Howard Wolowitz : Make fun of him?
Leonard Hofstadter : A lot.
Raj Koothrappali : Guys, don't you think that's a little mean?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah.
Raj Koothrappali : Okay, just so we're all on the same page.
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Howard Wolowitz : So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?
Sheldon Cooper : Very funny. Get it all out.
Leonard Hofstadter : Like you did on William Shatner?
Sheldon Cooper : Raj, do you have something to add?
Raj Koothrappali : You brought shame upon yourself and your family. It's not funny, but it's true.
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Sheldon Cooper : I will admit the meeting did not go the way I wanted.
Howard Wolowitz : [imitating Shatner] Because you barfed where no man has barfed before?
Sheldon Cooper : Well, the next time I meet him, it will go better.
Raj Koothrappali : Next time? What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
Sheldon Cooper : Wil will give me another chance. He thinks the world of me.
Leonard Hofstadter : Aw. One of the reasons I love you is you actually believe that.
Sheldon Cooper : [not getting the sarcasm] Thank you.
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Sheldon Cooper : Guys, guys, Wil Wheaton hosts a secret celebrity D&D game.
Leonard Hofstadter : How do you know?
Raj Koothrappali : Who was there?
Amy Farrah Fowler : Why are you damp?
Sheldon Cooper : I was trying to peek in Wil's window, and he turned the sprinklers on.
Howard Wolowitz : Oh, that means they must be really famous.
Sheldon Cooper : I'm almost positive I heard William Shatner.
Raj Koothrappali : I wonder who else is playing.
Leonard Hofstadter : I-I bet we can use graph theory to determine who Wil knows and who is likely to play D&D.
Howard Wolowitz : Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter : [hurrying over to a white board] Okay, obviously he's connected to the whole "Next Gen" cast.
Penny Hofstadter : So this is the rest of our night, huh?
Amy Farrah Fowler : Oh, no. This is the rest of our lives.
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Leonard Hofstadter : And Josh Brolin gets you to every Avenger.
Howard Wolowitz : [on his phone] Kevin Smith's in this article about celebrities who play D&D.
Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, a-and he was on Wil's podcast, so they know each other.
Raj Koothrappali : G-Go on his Instagram, see if you can find anything.
Howard Wolowitz : Yeah, he-he posted something an hour ago: "#GameNight".
Sheldon Cooper : That looks like Wil's house.
Howard Wolowitz : William Shatner, Kevin Smith. Who else could be there?
Leonard Hofstadter : Do you see what I see over his shoulder?
Howard Wolowitz : [looking closer] Is that a ghost?
Raj Koothrappali : I think it's Stuart.
Sheldon Cooper : That is Stuart. What-what's he doing there?
Raj Koothrappali : Maybe he died in Wil's house and he can't leave until he solves his own murder.
Leonard Hofstadter : Why would Wil invite Stuart and not us?
Bernadette Rostenkowski : [watching with Amy and Penny] I know the answer.
Penny Hofstadter : Yeah. We all know the answer.
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Leonard Hofstadter : We know you were at Wil's D&D game. We saw you on Instagram. We just want to know how you got invited.
Stuart Bloom : I can't talk about it, or they won't invite me back next week.
Leonard Hofstadter : So there's another game next week.
Stuart Bloom : I didn't mean to say that.
Howard Wolowitz : Who's in it?
Stuart Bloom : Oh, I can't tell you!
Raj Koothrappali : How do we get invited?
Stuart Bloom : I don't know!
Sheldon Cooper : How many hit dice are they playing the wereboar as having?
Stuart Bloom : 12D8 + 24. AHH! I mean, I don't know!
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Leonard Hofstadter : [seeing Sheldon playing "Red Dead"] Sheldon, why are you walking everywhere? Just get a horse.
Sheldon Cooper : I had a horse. It got hit by a train.
Leonard Hofstadter : Get another one.
Sheldon Cooper : I can't just replace Chauncey. I'm still in the grieving process.
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Leonard Hofstadter : If you really want to know, I'll tell you where I was. I was at Wil's D&D game, but that's all I can say.
Penny Hofstadter : Oh, fun. Were there famous people there?
Leonard Hofstadter : Ah, sorry, I-I-I can't tell you that. Okay, well, yes, but I-I-I-I can't tell you who. Well, no, I-I can tell you Shatner, but that's only because you already knew that one.
Penny Hofstadter : Well, I'm glad you had fun.
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Leonard Hofstadter : I wish I could tell you who else was there. I can't, I promised.
Penny Hofstadter : Yeah, if it makes you feel better, I couldn't care less.
Leonard Hofstadter : That's true, you don't care, so there's no harm in telling you.
Penny Hofstadter : Okay, you really don't have to.
Leonard Hofstadter : All right, I'll tell you.
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Penny Hofstadter : I can't believe you met Joe Manganiello. Is he nice?
Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, he's so nice. I-I-I rolled my dice underneath the couch, and he just lifted it up, one hand.
Penny Hofstadter : [daydreamily] Oh, I-I bet he did.
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Raj Koothrappali : I told you when I was in spin class with Scarlett Johansson.
Leonard Hofstadter : It didn't even turn out to be Scarlett Johansson.
Raj Koothrappali : Well, that's her fault, not mine!