Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017 TV Special)

Norm MacDonald: Self

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Quotes 

• Norm Macdonald : LSD, that was about the strongest drug I ever did - acid. I don't know if you've ever done acid, but... When I was young, they would tell me, "You have got to be careful with that acid, on account of you can do it," and then you have a flashback. Like, ten years could pass, 20 years could pass, "and then you get a flashback." So I thought, "Well, that sounds like a good deal," you know? I went to my drug dealer Frank. I said, "Frank..." is there a drug on the market where I pay you $5... I take the drug, I get high, "and then, 20 years later, I get high again?" He said yes. And I think of myself as somebody who's good at stretching his drug dollar. But the point of the whole thing is for me to tell you young folk... that it's not... it's not true at all, you know? Because I have not done LSD since I was a teenager. Ten years have passed, 20 years have passed. Sadly, 30 years have passed. And still... no flash... What a gyp that turned out to be. I... Just more horseshit by the big acid companies if you ask me.

• Norm Macdonald : There's only one country that frightens me - that's the country of Germany. I don't know if you guys are students of history or not, but... For those of you who aren't, Germany, in the previous century - in the early part... they decided to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? The world. So you think that would last about five seconds and the world would fucking win, and that would be that. But it was actually close. And then... I don't know how that worked, but... Then 30 years pass, and Germany decides to go to war again. And, once again, they choose as their foe... the world! And now... this time, they really almost win. So at this point you would think the world would go, "Germany, you're fucking not a country any more, all right?" "What the fuck?" "You're not a country because you keep going to war with the world," and... no one does... "What do you think you are, Mars?" "Do you think you're Mars or something?"

• Norm Macdonald : There was a dog in history who loved Hitler more than anyone. He would wake up in the morning and go, "Where's Hitler?" You know? And Göring, or somebody, would go, "He's not here. He's doing some evil stuff." "I've explained to you, he spends most of his time doing evil stuff. You can't see him that often." He goes, "OK. Yeah, I know." I'm not trying to... Listen, Göring, I love you, you know? I love Mengele, I love everybody. All you guys are the greatest. "But it's just Hitler is the greatest man who's ever lived." This is why we ask that you don't use recording devices. Just... I don't want to be with fucking Harvey Levin tomorrow or something. "Did you say Hitler was the greatest?" And what would be my fucking answer? I would go, "No, it was a dog." That wouldn't work. I would be fucked.

• Norm Macdonald : When people commit suicide, no one ever understands. You know what I mean? People commit suicide and people go, "I don't understand why," and I go, "You don't?" "What, do you live in a cotton-candy house or something? What the fuck?" "You don't know about life?" "How it only disappoints and... gets worse and worse, until it ends in a catastrophe?"

• Norm Macdonald : It's no coincidence that the rope store and the rickety-stool store are always right beside each other.

• Norm Macdonald : I'll tell you the only thing I know for a fact, and it's something that we all know. Everybody knows it, but it's harder to act on it, it is. But the only really true thing is that... we all must love each other. And it's very difficult, you know? It's very, very hard.

• Norm Macdonald : It's the kind of practical joke that gets you raped by the devil for all of time.

• Norm Macdonald : Do you think this would be funny, just as a practical joke, if you just wrote a suicide note and just blamed some random guy?

• Norm Macdonald : When I go to parties, I don't want serious discussions. I try to find somebody that is at my same level. And I'm good at it. I can... Like, you know how they say guys have gaydar - they can see other gay people? I'm like that with guys at my same level of smartness. Like, I can see a guy in the corner and go, "I can keep up with that motherfucker right there." And then I make a beeline for that character. And then we talk about Jughead comics for a couple of hours...

• [repeated line] 

  Norm Macdonald : I don't want to get political...