- Rose Weissman: We were worried, Miriam, worried sick, if you must know.
- Abe Weissman: Your mother vomited.
- Rose Weissman: I did not vomit.
- Abe Weissman: Well, she did something in the bathroom that took a very long time. And she did NOT come out looking happy.
- Miriam 'Midge' Maisel: If women don't realize what's going on in the world, they won't step in and fix it.
- Susie Myerson: Hey, who's this guy?
- Table Guy: He's from Montana.
- Susie Myerson: Huh. And what's his blood type?
- Table Guy: I don't know.
- Susie Myerson: Well, you told me one useless piece of shit detail. I thought you could throw in another.
- Miriam 'Midge' Maisel: I had such a thing for Bing Crosby when I was little.
- Susie Myerson: Really? He's so oily looking.
- Miriam 'Midge' Maisel: No he's not.
- Susie Myerson: Look like if you got on top of him, you'd slide right off.
- Miriam 'Midge' Maisel: Never watching "White Christmas" again.
- Susie Myerson: 30% percent of all comics die from cord-related injuries.
- Miriam 'Midge' Maisel: That's not true.
- Susie Myerson: Well, it's up there.
- Abe Weissman: I want you to talk to Miriam.
- Rose Weissman: About what?
- Abe Weissman: Her son eats with his mouth open. It needs to stop.
- Rose Weissman: He's three.
- Abe Weissman: When I was three I could resole a shoe.