Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.30 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : I'm glad you're in a good mood. Let's get right to the disasters.

  [audience laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Oh, jeez, right? I mean, Puerto Rico, Las Vegas, Donald Trump.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : We had a rough week. And he does not make it better. You know, you've heard that term, uh, first responders? He... he's got a new thing: worst responder.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He is the wor... he finally went to Puerto Rico, uh, a week after the storm. He said it... he would have come earlier, except his hairdresser told him it was too dangerous.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Uh... you don't want the wind in that thing. But...

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And he lands... lands on the island like Ponce de Leon, and, you know, the natives immediately said "Can we have the hurricane back?".

• Himself - Host : And then he has this meeting. It's this... the first thing he says, "I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you've thrown our budget a little out of whack. We spent a lot of money here in Puerto Rico." Oh, that is so Trump. "I know you've had the worst time ever in your whole life. Let me just pull up your account..."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Then he calls the mayor, who's just asking for help, a nasty woman, and throws paper towels to the crowd. And then he says it's not a real catastrophe like Katrina. And they said "Well, you're not a real president like Obama."

• Himself - Host : Are you starting to see a pattern that the most important thing that has to happen when there's a disaster is Trump being praised. The other thing he said, soon as he hit the ground in Puerto Rico, "The governor's giving us very high grades." If we could just somehow harness his ego, we can power the entire island.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : It's... I... today, he said he's really starting to question whether the people of Puerto Rico fully understand and appreciate the extent of his suffering.

  [oohs and scattered snickers] 

  Himself - Host : You know, like a joke.

• Himself - Host : But then he goes on Twitter to whine how the "no-good, mean fake news media" spoiled his great day in Puerto Rico. Yeah, they pulled that fake news dirty trick they always do where they videotape him doing exactly what he does and says and then show it on TV. You know that dirty trick?

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : So... so, the next day, his No Empathy Tour, uh...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...rolls into Las Vegas, where he tells them that they're lucky that it's not worse and more people didn't die. Uh, you know, uh... first of all, I'm so sick of all the reactions. I'm so sick of "thoughts and prayers". First of all...

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : ...thoughts are the opposite of prayers.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : A thought is "What should I do?". A prayer is wishing on a star. "Thoughts and prayers" are the Republican way of saying "tough shit." Uh... you know, I hear this a lot on TV, this week, you know, "What do we tell the children?". How about "We're moving to Canada"?

• Himself - Host : Roger Stone, you know, Trump's albino assassin.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He's... oh, Roger. He said if Trump even thinks about doing something about gun control, the, quote, "base will go insane." How will we know?

• Himself - Host : As if all that is not enough to make you shit your pants, uh... dear leader, uh, had dinner the other night with the military chiefs. And at the end of it, he said "This could be the calm before the storm." And people... "What are we talking about?"; you know, people... and he said "You'll find out." Yes, tune in next week for the next exciting episode of "The Edge of Madness."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Will... will North Korea get a bomb or a rose? We don't know.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Calm before the storm? It could mean anything. Either he's about to start a war or he ate too many prunes a dinner. I don't...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Rex Tillerson is so right. Did you see that? Rex Tillerson, the Secretary of State, our top diplomat, called him a moron.

  [cheers] 

  Himself - Host : And won't deny it. He's not denying it. In fact, he won't deny it, so they dug a little deeper and found out he actually called him a fucking moron.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And now... this country, now they're debating that. Whether he's a moron or a fucking moron. I... I say ask Melania. If anybody knows about fucking morons...

• Himself - Host : New rule: stop saying the Trumps need to do what all First Families do and get a pet. They have Rex.

  [laughter as a picture of Trump and Rex Tillerson is shown] 

  Himself - Host : He's such a dog, his name is Rex. And he thinks his owner is a fucking moron, which sounds to me like they've got themselves a cat.

• Himself - Host : New rule: prunes have to stop calling themselves "nature's best laxative". Nature's best laxative is looking in the rearview mirror and seeing this.

  [laughter as a picture of a cop car in a rearview mirror is shown] 

  Himself - Host : New rule: Catholics upset that Pope Francis dresses too casually and just... just isn't Popey enough should consider a move to the Russian Orthodox Church. Their Pope has more costume changes than a Beyonce concert.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He here is thinking "Is two candelabras too much?".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Ah, fuck it. People are coming to see a show, I'm gonna give them a show."

• Himself - Host : New rule: strangers on hospital elevators who see me carrying a bouquet of flowers have to stop asking "Are those for me?". No, they're not for you. And neither is comedy.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : New rule: since the new "Blade Runner" stars Harrison Ford as a 75-year old who hunts robots, and the next "Terminator" will star Arnold as a 72-year old robot, Harrison Ford has to hunt Arnold in "Alien vs. Pensioner".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : They're not too old for this shit, they're too old *to* shit.

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: my dashboard doesn't need any more indicators. "Is your seat belt on?", "Are your tires inflated?", "Is your oil changed?". Jeez. If I want to be nagged this much, I'd get married.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And right now in Washington, Democrats have introduced federal legislation requiring car manufacturers to install a motion sensor that would remind drivers that they left their kid in the back seat. Really. It's called the Hot Cars Act, because "Turn around, dipshit" was too on the nose.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But... if someone's too high to remember their kid, you think they're gonna see a little yellow light? There were over 17 million new cars sold in America last year. Are we really going to require them all to install sensors? The cost of which will be passed on to the consumer, to prevent something less likely than being stuck by lightning. And should reminding you not to forget your baby really be Toyota's problem?

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Where... where does this stop? Chunks of toilet ice - yes, I said it, toilet ice - fall out of the sky from airplanes all the time. That's gonna kill some unlucky fucker someday.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Why not the Piss Ice Act requiring all vehicle roofs to be reinforced to withstand a urine iceberg dropped from 30,000 feet?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Here in California, we make just about every business under the sun put up this sign that says "Warning. Detectable amounts of chemicals known to cause cancer may be found around this facility." No shit. We live in L.A.; it's called air.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Honolulu recently banned looking at your phone while crossing the street. But wait. What if I'm getting an important message, like that I've let my baby in a hot car?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And here's where someone always says "But if it saves one life." Oh, fuck. You know what? You could put kids in bubble wrap all day, and it would save some, but would it be worth it? We're never going to get this down to zero until we get rid of kids altogether.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And... and I keep signing the petition, but it never happens.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Until then, all this will accomplish is to feed into the Republican message that Democrats don't want to help people, they just want to micromanage their lives. It makes people hate us. It makes me hate us. And it prompts kickback. That's how you get an Environmental Protectency... Environmental Protection Agency headed by a man who cares nothing about environmental protection. And I hate to tell you, but we are all in an overheating vehicle. It's called Earth.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : That's... that's why I... that's why I say to Democrats either go big or go home. No one is for leaving babies in hot cars. It's just that common sense tells most people this is an issue of personal responsibility, especially when the liberal solution to your human frailty is me paying more for shit that can break in my car. Thanks, government. We'll get to gun control later. And that's the point. We do need regulation. Oh, yes; for big things, real things. Like guns and carbon emissions and banks. But when Democrats get to regulating everything, regulation itself gets a bad name. And I don't want to... I don't want to let the right wing own freedom. People want to drain the swamp, not ban Big Gulps. Yes, I understand you have a thousand good ideas for how I should live my life, check my privilege, and sort my recycling. And we'll get to that. But first, we need to get some Democrats elected. And that's hard when the movement to childproof the world has made Republicans the party of freedom and Democrats the party of poopers.