Woppletinger Reviews

Friday (1995)

Bar None, the Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen

[1/10 · 26 November 1999]

I saw this movie quite some time ago. I am only moved to write this review because of the impending release of Next Friday, which must be stopped at all costs. This movie was just awful in every possible way. For proof of this, one only needs to note that even Chris Tucker couldn't make it funny. Ice Cube just sucked. He's one of the best MC's of all time, but he can't write or act for beans. Back to Compton, Cube!

I know I'll be dismissed by a lot of people as some whiteboy who doesn't know what it's like to live in the ghetto and doesn't see the multiple humorous levels of an old, constipated man grunting. If that's what you think, then just catch it next time on TNT (don't rent it, like I did) and post at least one funny line. Hell, post anything that didn't have you either sleeping or puking and I'll reneg on all these comments and eat my keyboard to boot.

In any case, I'm already feeling queasy and tired just remembering this movie. Kill Next Friday! Kill!

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Creepy but not as scary as a big rubber shark

[26 August 1999]

As you may have guessed from my one line summary, Jaws scared me more than this. I find this an interesting comparison because much of the scares in both movies comes from never seeing the shark/witch/whatever. However, in Jaws this was scary, whereas here there's just not enough clarification. NO, I DON'T WANT THE WITCH TO MORPH FROM A TREE DRIPPING BLOOD AND ALL DONE UP LIKE LINDA BLAIR IN THE EXORCIST, BUT I would like to know just what the heck it was. About the best clarification in the movie as to this is "No redneck would think of this" or something. Yay. Early on, we get a description of the Witch that very much matches the ending, BUT I decided to disregard this because all the other interviews at the start suggested something totally different and really seemed more funny than scary, apparently intentionally. Indeed, we all know from ads and hype that there are many Scary Weird Noises In The Night sequences, but only late in the movie do these sections become scary. Why? Because the early ones are at the longest a minute, and in daylight there just isn't anything quite strange enough to scare you. And believe me, there's a LOT of daytime in this movie. And 95% of it is them arguing, usually two characters screaming at each other "f--- this" and the other countering "f--- that," culminating in "f--- you" while the third party member screams "shut the f--- up." At one point, when one character turns really cruel, not violent, but mean, the confrontation is fairly tense, but really more at home in a soap. The end, yes, it's quite creepy. No, not the final shot. Just the last few minutes. Not everyone will agree--as the movie ended, the entire audience sat silently--for three seconds. Then some brave and obnoxious souls offered "You've gotta be kidding me," and, more to the point, "That sucked" and "Boooooo..." Is it worth seeing? Well, yeah, if only out of curiosity. It's still a pretty good movie. But Scary as Hell(TM)? No.

Muppets from Space (1999)

Merely Average

[25 August 1999]

As a die-hard Muppet fan, I'd been waiting for this one forever. To see the Muppets playing themselves, as they did in the first 3 movies before Jim Henson passed away, instead of some adaptation of a classic story, excited me. Unfortunately, when Jim Henson died, the heart of the Muppets went with him. While he tried to draw more adults to The Muppet Show, even going so far as titling the pilot "Sex and Violence," this one caters a bit more to the younger bunch, with some awfully misused '70s music and an ex-Nickelodeon director. Why Jerry Juhl and co. were apparently afraid that the movie wouldn't attract enough kids is a mystery to me, but here we have an opening scene set to "Brick House." Unfortunately, the bottom line is that this movie is just not that funny. Bordering on brilliance at times with a hilarious scene borrowed from "Independence Day" and a cameo by Katie Holmes and Joshua Jackson ("I wish Dawson was here"), the rest of the movie just chugs along with too many unfunny jokes. Yes, Steve Whitmire finally has Kermit down to an art, and all the Muppeteers do fantastic jobs, and Jeffrey Tambor does a great job with the material, but once again I stress, NOT FUNNY. So sorry. I'll go back to The Great Muppet Caper now.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

9/10 movie, but just not Star Wars

[9/10 · 22 May 1999]

Overall, this was a dazzling film. The special effects were great, the creatures were interesting, the costumes were insanely over-the-top, and the battles were fantastic. The story was good enough, and did indeed tie in to the other episodes. But that old Star Wars feel is gone. Instead of following the pattern set by the first three, George Lucas has made a movie incorporating every single trend in Hollywood right now. There's Jar Jar Binks, who I'm sure you've heard about by now, the unbelievably annoying "Gungan" who spouts phrases such as "How rude!" and "I-sa wants to help-sa you-sa" in an horrifyingly screechy Caribbean accent. He's obviously aimed at the little kids in the audience, but it was extremely rare to hear anyone laugh. Often, Jar Jar would be away for a scene or two, and the movie would become more engrossing, easier to take. But, without fail, after a few minutes, the floppy-eared, scaly, bug-eyed weirdo would show up on the screen again and rattle off a few jokes, then step in animal excrement or somesuch "hilarious" gag. Sigh. And the absence of a Han Solo-style character to put a damper on the heroics of the main few is unfortunate. Although it's easy to be taken in to the film, the spotty, inconsistent dialogue ("Are you an angel?") often messes up otherwise dramatic moments. Also, the movie is devoid of suspense, thanks to those other three movies, whatever they were called. As for the romantic subplot between 10-year-old Jake Lloyd's character and nearly-18-year-old Natalie Portman's, the future parents of Luke and Leia, all I can say is... ehhhhh. And although containing some familiar characters, this one is SO different from the original trilogy, words fail me. It's just not the same. The scale is several thousand times larger, the story is heavier, despite all the "comic" relief, and the same tight focus, no more. And, well, that leads me to the most surprising point about this movie. Even with all of these flaws, it's great, and as far as visuals go, well, anything is possible now. It's engrossing, moving, and well-acted for the most part. I would definitely recommend that you see it again. It's another testament to George Lucas's genius that he could make such a great movie even with so many flaws. To put it on the level with the classic trilogy, many changes would have to be made, but it holds its own as a movie, and is far better than most fare these days. Thanks, Mr. Lucas, but for Episode 2 and 3, let's gorily kill off Jar Jar and try to focus, OK?

Rush Hour (1998)

Way Above My Expectations

[10/10 · 28 September 1998]

Although early ads on TV had made me want to see this one real bad, after reading a few reviews I was ready to chalk it up as another cookie-cutter "buddy" cop film. I was very wrong. This movie has a great plot, is well directed and shot, has great sets, and is just hilarious. You must see this now.

Airplane! (1980)

Don't try to tell me you didn't laugh.

[30 August 1998]

Have you seen 'Airport'? Well, this is a completely different kind of flying. All together. This is a completely different kind of flying.

This is definitely the funniest movie I have seen in a long time. All of the gags... the smoking ticket, the auto-pilot, the one I mentioned above that made you scratch your head if you never saw the movie..... all of the potshots.... Saturday Night Fever, Casablanca, and of course Airport. Surely, you should go see it now.



AND WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME SHIRLEY!!!!