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Reviews
Army of One (2020)
There's on good way to watch this movie
Watch this movie with friends and make fun of all the stupidity while you watch. Maybe make it a game to see who can spot the goofs first, or who can spot the most goofs.
Don't blink; the stupidity of the script and directing come fast and furious and you don't want to miss anything.
If you take offense easily, you might want to skip this one. It manages to insult, law enforcement officers, elite military forces, anyone who lives in or comes from a rural background, and the intelligence of anyone who watches the movie thinking it'll be a fun action movie with a badass female lead.
Some adult beverages might help too.
Among the Shadows (2019)
I made it through almost three minutes.
No idea where it went after the opening scene, just couldn't manage more.
Why did the attacker deliberately walk in the one narrow puddle as he snuck up on his victim?
Did they just poke holes in the film to make the glowing eyes effect?
Could the dialogue be more trite (and that's after only about half a dozen lines)?
Lighting was rudimentary. Ambience non existent.
Did they sneak into someone's back alley to film? No evidence of set design. Sound was poor with the dialogue obscured by the (I guess it was supposed to be) eerie soundtrack.
Did it get better? Don't ask me, I'll never know.
I regret wasting even the time it took to queue it up and watch the first three minutes.
Christmas in the City (2013)
Trite is good as this one gets
I'm a fan of Christmas movies and schmaltz doesn't bother me a bit. Spirit of Christmas triumphs over nasty commercialism, fine. Hackneyed predictable story, not a problem.
This movie has all that. Unfortunately it also has a cast that mugs it's way through the entire hour and a half. There isn't one believably delivered line through the whole thing, let alone any kind of emotional connection between the characters.
Santa was very disappointing. He should have been a key element but just didn't get it done. Good voice and chuckle, but that was about it. His beard changed from one scene to the next,and never looked good, they didn't even bother to groom his mustache. And don't get me started about the cheesy, ill-fitting, off the shelf suit.
To top it all off, the gratuitous use of sleazy, shirtless, male models renders the film unsuitable for small children.
Bewitched (2005)
Thank goodness I didn't pay to see this!
Thank goodness I borrowed a copy and didn't pay to see this movie! I didn't think I'd ever fast forward through a scene with Nicole Kidman, but I did that several times to manage to get to the end of this stinker. Okay, it has Will Ferrell so I didn't expect much, but the movie didn't deliver anything! We all loved the original series - it has Nicole Kidman, Michael Caine, and Shirley MacLaine - so how did they manage to make a such a boring film!
Unless you can't live without seeing Will Ferrell mug his way through another witless vehicle, give this one a pass. In fact, even if you love every other movie you've seen him in, skip this one.
Blood and Chocolate (2007)
If you liked the book don't even think about watching this movie!
There were only two redeeming features about this movie; the beauty of Bucharest and its architecture, and the way they depicted the transformation from human form to wolf form. Forget about the plot or storyline from the book - they're completely absent from this movie. In fact, about the only things carried over from the book are the names of the main players. Even then you'll barely recognize the characterizations. If the film makers had made a good movie, even though unrelated to the book, I wouldn't have been so disappointed. Unfortunately, they did not. The plot and storyline are typical of low budget horror flicks, the acting is wooden, and the directorial efforts mundane. Oh yes, the way the loup garou bow to their leader is pure hoke. I suppose a nod of recognition is due for the animal handlers. The wolves were beautiful animals and well managed in their roles.
Reign in Darkness (2002)
Tedious snoozer.
The only halfway decent thing about this movie is the cover art. It's easy to see why the principals have no other movie credits - they're just that bad. The only glimmer of on screen talent is from David No, with a real director and a real script he might hope to turn in a creditable performance.
Kel Dolen's lisping narration is a boring attempt to provide some sort of continuity and story line that would otherwise be totally absent from this lame excuse for a movie.
There is one shocker connected to this movie; according to the 'Official' website, they are making a sequel!
Frost: Portrait of a Vampire (2003)
Absolutely without redeeming features.
This is one of those rare movies that has absolutely nothing to recommend it. From beginning to end there are no high points. There aren't even points high enough to be called low - it is unrelentingly abysmal.
The acting is so bad you wonder if the cast members are even allowed to join Actors' Equity. I've seen better set design in high school plays. Continuity was awful, costumes were awful, everything was awful. Every possible detail was neglected or overlooked.
It drew an R rating - ostensibly for violence and nudity - but if that's what you're looking for, don't bother. The violence is tame and so poorly choreographed and directed that you're more likely to yawn than gasp. And you can see as much nudity on prime time broadcast TV. The actors aren't even good looking. Not even the gratuitous nude (her whole part was gratuitous not just her nude scene).
Do yourself a favor and leave this one alone.
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life (2003)
How can an action flick be so lacking in excitement?
With all the stunts, special effects, and action, you'd think this film would be exciting. But it isn't. The production values are high, the acting tolerable and the plot acceptable. The problem is that there's no tension or emotion - no surprises. Maybe some humor would have helped, but there's precious little of that either.
DarkWolf (2003)
The only good thing you can say about Darkwolf is that the girls are pretty.
What more can I say? The acting was, almost without exception, amateurish. The directing and continuity were pitiful. The sceenplay was predictable down to the very last scene and the dialog tedious. One of the features on the DVD was labeled "Gag Reel" but that could have been a description of a viewer's reaction to most of the movie.
One of the most amusing things was in the director's comments on the DVD. He said, with a straight face, that he had set out to make a movie with high production values and a name cast - and that he had succeeded. With delusions like that it's easy to understand how the movie turned out as it did.
Perhaps the most disappointing aspect was the monster. The darkwolf suit was a modified ape suit (per the 'making of' feature on the DVD) and rather looked it. The mask and claws were little better than off the shelf jobs from any costume store. The cgi effects were painfully obvious and of quality similar to an inexpensive video game.