dasrik Reviews

Thumbelina (1994)

Do NOT watch this film alone.

[19 January 2001]

"Thumbelina" is yet another Don Bluth hodgepodge of depressing plot, wasted talent, and annoying songs. The only reason to watch this movie is because the woes of Thumbelina are so ridiculous that it's almost laughable. Watch it with a friend and crack jokes while you watch, and this is almost like a Mystery Science Theater flick (except that it's not science fiction).

The woe-is-me storyline follows Thumbelina, voiced by Jodi Benson. In "The Little Mermaid" playing Ariel, Benson gave her character headstrong ambition and determination. As Thumbelina, she's a whiny, wimpy tiny woman whisping away wherever the writers take her. And they take her on many painful misadventures; from her initial run-in with a troupe of dancing frogs, to a swinging dancing hall of bugs led by a beetle voiced by Gilbert Gottfried (perhaps a tongue-in-cheek reference or homage to Tex Avery), to a buttinski fieldmouse who would rather have Thumbelina marry a blind mole instead of the fairy prince of her dreams. Oh yes, and each disaster or rescue is accompanied by a musical number, one that is invariably mind numbing and/or insipid. The fieldmouse's "Marry the Mole" song (done by Carol Channing in a typically annoying drone), unnerved me the most since it demonstrated that the songwriters know extremely little about Shakespeare ("Romeo and Juliet/were very much in love when they were wed"), among other things.

Combine that with a multitude of annoying characters (the fieldmouse, the frog troupe, Jacquimo the pigeon narrator, the fieldmouse, the fairy prince, and did I mention the FIELDMOUSE?!) and the masochistic plot, and you have a movie that stands up well to Rocky Horror-esque heckling. I mean, there is a certain sick pleasure in watching Thumbelina's spirit get repeatedly broken...

As long as you have a high endurance rate for awful songs.

Dragon Ball Z (1989–1996)

Supremely overrated

[19 August 1999]

Upon request of people hailing this anime as the "best of all time", I decided to give the undubbed version a try (albeit not being a big fan of anime to begin with) and found it as dull, meandering and insipid as the English dub. The story is all over the place and the fights take WAAAAY too long, sometimes spanning multiple episodes. This makes me actually wish for a deus ex machina. If you're an intelligent person looking for good anime, I suggest you save your time for something worthwhile like "Ghost in the Shell".

Jawbreaker (1999)

Amusing but lightweight

[2 July 1999]

"Jawbreaker" is a larger-than-life satire where all the characters are either charmingly sweet or sickeningly unlikable. It's like the dark side to "She's All That", and a lot more worthwhile to watch. However, it is, in the end, just a teen movie for teen mentalities, with the conclusion you just knew was coming. It's worth a rent, but it is no cinematic jewel.

Cinderella (1950)

Great animation, sure. Great film? Hardly.

[2 July 1999]

"Cinderella" was one of the breakthrough films of its time, with some great animation work. However, I hardly see it as a "classic fairy tale". It's certainly not a very inspiring story. What lesson does it teach? Stick around through suffering which you have no right to suffer, and your fairy godmother will come and save you. If you're going to show it to your kids, try waiting it out a bit until he, she, or they are old enough to distinguish between fantasy and reality. That, or hope that you're a darn good parent.

Batman & Robin (1997)

Horrific

[27 June 1999]

If you have an iota of an I.Q., avoid this film like the plague. The campiness and maudlin attempts at sentiment will have you reaching for a bucket to do business in. Words fail me in describing how bad this movie in. No one is acting well, no one is funny, no way am I watching this film more than once. Just Don't Do It.

Animaniacs (1993–1998)

More Musical Mucilage

[26 June 1999]

Don't get me wrong. "Animaniacs" is a decently written show full of the usual array of Warner Brothers metahumor and in-jokes, and beats the pants off of the average Saturday morning cartoon. But it suffers from trite musical numbers. Compared to its predecessor "Tiny Toon Adventures", whose songs usually befit the atmosphere, "Animaniacs"' songs are annoying and often cross the line to painful, particularly in the Rita & Runt episodes. And some of the concepts fall flatter than a Bad Idea, Minerva Mink standing out among others. I was more amused by "Freakazoid" than an average "Animaniacs" ep. Not one of Warner Bros.' latter day best.

The Prince of Egypt (1998)

Shallow, not to mention blasphemous

[28 December 1998]

I don't understand how Spielberg, who is Jewish, could let this slide. First of all, the story is completely different. All that remains is whatever the average Joe would remember from "The Ten Commandments". (Wait, they don't even have the "His God is God" line... OK, I'm wrong). Second, almost all of the important female characters are gone. Ramases' wife, her advisor, etc. And also the death of the original Pharaoh ain't nuthin' but a thang, apparently. I think the worst thing of all is how, in trying to make Moses more human, they excised all of his divinity. He's a shrimpy shrimp. The plot is shallow and uninspired. The idea of the brotherhood relationship was not bad. They could have taken it as far as the Biblical story would allow. But they took a butcher knife and chop-chop. Despite the astounding animation, "The Prince of Egypt" is easily one of the worst films of the year.

Honeymoon in Vegas (1992)

Nicolas Cage's funniest performance

[22 December 1998]

This movie isn't really a romantic comedy; it's a comedy, period. And Nicolas Cage delivers a really, really hilarious performance here; I've only seen him this panicked again in "The Rock", a not-so-great picture. This movie is really his movie, even though there are some other notable performances from Pat Morita, Peter Boyle and Ben Stein. Check it.

Mindwalk (1990)

Very deep, very dull

[22 December 1998]

Many people like the "My Dinner With Andre" type movies where some people sit around and talk about life in general. While I can appreciate films like that, I'm not one of those people. In this movie, a threesome talk about philosophy for hours. While the scenery is beautiful, it's not enough to keep my attention, and the last thing I need in life is people spending their lives thinking about it.

The Lion King II: Simba's Pride (1998 Video)

Interesting story lost to "straight to video"ness

[7 December 1998]

This "direct-to-video" sequel was a lot better than what I would have normally expected, but is still not all that great. There are several reasons for this. The first major one is the songs - they all stink, especially that "deception, disgrace" exile song that makes me wish I was deaf. The second one is that all the returning characters apparently took stupid pills this morning, because they're acting completely different now - Simba is vengeful, Nala no longer has snap, Timon and Pumbaa are no longer funny, Zazu is a cowering lackey (maybe because Rowan Atkinson was too busy being "Bean"?). And then we have the new characters, who are rather flimsily developed. Pity, because Nuka seemed like an interesting character. On the other hand, Zira actually wants her boy to be evil, something utterly ridiculous in my opinion. Oh yeah, there's Kiara, played with nonchalance by Neve Campbell (then again, she has no other way of acting), and Kovu, who reminds me of Max from the Goofy Movie every time he opens his mouth. To summarize, it was an interesting story bogged down by "straight-to-video"-ness. Could have been done better.

Hercules (1997)

Greek mythology, Disney style

[7 December 1998]

If you thought "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"'s toying with the original was bad, wait'll you see this. Zeus and Hera (and, get this, they're not brother and sister!) are happily married! Yeah, Hercules is Hera's kid! And he doesn't kill Megara! Did we mention his name is supposed to be Heracles? DID I MISS SOMETHING???... Anyway, what did you expect, it's Disney. As was said many times before, this film is candy, although for me it's not an exceptionally tasty piece of candy. Bland animation, bad music (the Muses need to shut up - oh yeah, and that song "I Won't Say" - oh God I think I need a vomit bag!), and, aside from James Woods, ho-hum voice acting. Funny parts here and there (mostly with Woods) but aside from the self-referential merchandising jabs, nothing to write home about. And the plot, with absolutely no parallel in Greek mythology, is rather bland. But, hell, it's all worth it to see James Woods as Hades.... oh yeah, and the ending. *sniff* I haven't felt this choked up since I got a hunk of MUSAKA caught in my throat, huh? huh?... Is this an audience or a mosaic?

The Return of Jafar (1994 Video)

Merchandise promoting the Aladdin franchise

[7 December 1998]

Somebody save me from the Disney machine. This movie, to me, is nothing more than a piece of merchandise designed to milk the "Aladdin" franchise as far as it can go. While Dan Castellaneta is adept at doing the voice of Homer Simpson, he sure is no Genie, and it shows. On the other side of the spectrum is the bad guy, Jafar, one of the more likable Disney villains. He at least gets a song this time around, but it's forgettable, as are his antics and his inevitable demise. And his lackey, Abis Mal, is played by Jason Alexander, who turns in an ordinary "frantic man George" performance. The other actors act pathetically and have pathetic dialogue. The copy of this movie in my house is broken now. Thank God.

Aladdin (1986)

G-rated acid trip?

[7 December 1998]

Is this the Ziploc Bag guy playing the Genie? Anyway, this whole movie is like an LSD trip where bizarre stuff just happens to this really geeky kid, and he has this fat genie to help him out. All this, of course, amid truly horrible acting, special effects and dialogue. It's so bad, though, it's funny. So buy it if you see it at a bargain basement bin. It'll only set you back a buck anyway.

Chasing Amy (1997)

The best romantic comedy

[2 November 1998]

I have to say that this is the best movie I have ever seen... period. It's an honest look at love without all the 'magic falling stars' crap. I don't have much more to say about this movie, except watch it. Oh yeah, and anyone who expected Holden and Alyssa to be together at the end probably also believed that Holden was serious about the menage-a-trois stuff. Get serious.

Practical Magic (1998)

Made me want to read the book

[1 November 1998]

Well, I haven't read the book, which seems to be better, but I liked the movie. I agree that it was pretty inconsistent, and the end could have been done better, but overall, I liked it a lot. I even liked Nicole Kidman in this movie, which says a great deal because normally I can't stand her. What can I say? Romantic comedies appeal to me. Not the best ever made, but enjoyable.