Kiwibob Reviews

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Ugggg

[9 April 2013]

If you were about to do a reboot of one of the most beloved horror franchises in modern history don't you think you would hire a director that actually gave a rats ass??? I mean they had to offer him the job three times... and he only agreed to take the job because he was told it would be good for his career... not the story, not the characters, not a love of what came before... just a career move!

And if this guy they had head hunted so hard actually had a decent career in small independent films or television I might be able to understand it... but all he had done up to now was music videos. He might be able to do snazzy images but he knows nothing about telling a story and dear god it tells! The only time you feel any real scares is when he is slavishly copying the original.. most noticeably in the Kris/Tina dream sequence.

But the worst thing is that he doesn't even get many decent shots... I mean Freddy's makeup is lit so badly it looks like he has a plastic bag over his head. And how in the name of God did they manage to make the image of Freddy pushing his way out of the wall behind Nancy's bed look worse with modern CGI than in the original where they used a piece of spandex and creative lighting?

Stick with the original guys

The Psycho Lover (1970)

Enjoyable trash

[7/10 · 31 October 2008]

You have to love a film that so freely admits that it has stolen a major plot element from a (then) current popular film... in fact a character actually mentions that she had just seen this great film called "The Manchurian Candidate" and goes into detail about the plot that the film then goes on to replicate... you have to admire their honesty!

Other than that there is the delightfully silly scene where they attempt to stage a suspenseful cat and mouse scene in a fully lit, sparsly furnished room that is about the size of a small car... and somehow manage to drag it out for several minutes AND make it work (to a point at least).

Day of the Dead (2008 Video)

"I put bleach on it"

[1/10 · 23 August 2008]

I can suspend my disbelief with the best of them.

Dead rising and shuffling around hungry for human flesh? OK! Dead able to run like Flo-Jo after said human flesh? I guess.

Dead crawling across the ceiling after same said human flesh? OH HELL NO!

Day of the Dead tries to explain the situation away as a virus that causes the dead to attack people... but somehow this virus is timed so an ENTIRE FRIGGING TOWN turns into zombies at exactly the same time!

And people that looked pretty much normal mere seconds ago now look like they have been rotting in the ground for weeks.... man that's some virus!

Oh yeah... as insult to injury they threw vegetarian zombies into the mix! AVOID THIS MOVIE!

Double Jeopardy (1999)

So very bad

[1/10 · 17 August 2008]

Dear Lord in heaven do I hate this film! There I said it! To misquote Mystery Science Theater 3000 "I want to hurt this film, but I don't think I can hurt it as much as it has hurt me".

There is not a second of this film I cared about Ashley Judd's character, even when she was accused of her husbands murder... of course she didn't actually do it but I still would have loved to see her sent to the chair, does that make me a bad person? Anyway, when it all looks like it could be going south in her murder case she asks her BFF to look after her son.

Sure her parents are still around but apparently they are such hideous creatures we don't even need to be told why the very idea of leaving him with them is unthinkable.

Ashley is found guilty and goes to jail and after a few months both her friend and her son disappear. After tracking down a phone number Ashely calls her (former) gal pal and demands to talk to her son... only to have her son shout "Daddy" when Ashley's supposedly dead hubby wanders through the door.

Ashley then turns to the worlds worst lawyer (who is also doing time... most would consider this as a big clue as to how bad this woman's legal advice would be) who tells her that, because of the legal principle of double jeopardy she is now free to kill her husband, as she has already been found guilty and served time for the crime. I cannot even begin to explain all that is wrong with that statement... just look it up for yourself.

Armed with this new and INCREDIBLY incorrect knowledge Ashley get paroled and sets off to find her hubby, her slut former friend and her unattractive child. First stop of course is her parents for money.

Hang on! Is this the same parents that she appeared to have cut out of her life and refused to let have custody of her son earlier? Apparently yes... and despite living what appears to be a small and slightly run down farm Ashley's mom comes through big time, handing over her life savings without so much as an I-told-you-so! According to this film people who work hard and will give you the shirt off their back are to be avoided...

Anyway, Ashley tracks her husband down (on the way finding out that he may have killed her former friend in an insurance scam), takes a few photos, sends them to the authorities and clear her name. She sells her story for millions and goes on Oprah to promote her autobiographer.... just kidding.

Of course what you would really do in this situation is confront your two timing, probably murderous spouse and promise to leave him alone as long as you get your kid... even though it means both you and your child will be on the run for the rest of your lives for breaching your parole.... Oh and did I mention that you agree to meet up to discuss the details of the arrangement in a graveyard? For God's sake, hubby should have gone for broke and demanded she meet him in a fireworks factory, covered in petrol and holding a lighted match!

The film drags on to it's conclusion, with the only real entertainment being the discussions you have with your friends as to whether Tommy Lee Jones was actually ever on set, or if they just edited in scenes from his performance in The Fugitive directly into this piece of crap

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Stop me if this sounds nuts

[14 April 2008]

There has been a lot mentioned about several issues continuity wise with the end of the film, I think I have finally figured it out. There are three issues that people seem to have:

1) What happened to Paul?

2) Why does Jason's appearance differ so much from the other films?

3) How did the dog (Muffin) manage to turn up at the end if two characters find what appears to be its body (right down to the purple bow) earlier in the film.

Treat everything from the moment you see Ginny strike Jason with the machete (which is in slow motion) as a dream.

Paul is dead after his encounter with Jason in the shack (I mean, how can someone survive TWO encounters with Jason without a scratch?) but Ginny needs to have a happy ending, so her mind creates a memory of Paul helping her back to the cabin, when in reality she dragged herself there. She also creates the memory of Muffin (who represents innocence) surviving.

Then the memories of Jason's attacks come crashing in. She imagines her own version of Jason (as she described at the bar) as she had never really seen his face (her taking off the sack he was wearing on his head was part of the dream sequence).

Any comments?

The Power of One (1992)

They took a novel that was basically un-filmable and made a movie that was totally unwatchable

[9 December 2003]

I LOVED the book, but even as I was reading it I knew that there was no real was to make it into a good film. It dealt too much with one mans experiences and how they shape him. It was such a personal story that the only way to have kept it true to the book would be to have a narrator talking about every plot point... and that would get tired very fast.

So when they did make the movie I did not hold out much hope for it, but when I saw it I have to admit that I never in my wildest dreams thought that they could screw it up so badly!

Major plot points (including how he gets his name) have been dropped in favour of a half hearted attempt at a love story between Peekay and some whiney schoolgirl (where the hell did this charcter come from anyway?)

If you told me that the scriptwriter and director had a grudge against the man who wrote the novel I would believe you... cause they sure did a number on the source material.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

My brain hurts!!!!

[12 October 2003]

This film was made on a bet between the ‘director' and a friend, it can safely be said that neither side really came out ahead in the deal…. It's somewhat akin to betting someone that you can cut your own hand off with a butter knife…. only the end result has proved to be far more painful.

This freak show of big kneed servants, underwear wrestling, annoying child actors, bad dubbing and ENDLESS establishing shots of the Texas countryside is without a doubt, the worst film you will ever see (other than Star Wars; Episode One).

The Avengers (1998)

What the hell happened?!?!?!?!?!

[23 November 2000]

Dear God in Heaven what the hell happened with this film?

I got to see this movie for free and I still felt short changed... considering that they had a great cast to work with and a whole lot of cash to throw around SOMETHING WENT TERRIBLY WRONG HERE!!!!!

This film playesd like a Simpsons version of the Avengers... I mean Big Ben being hit by lightning ands EXPLODING?!?!?! WHAT EXPLODED HERE PEOPLE?????? Big Ben has been hit by lightning thousands of times over the years (as have most of the worlds taller buidings) and seems to have survived quite well thank you.... did Sean Connery find out a way to blow up iron?

I hear that the two and a half hour version of the film made more sense(it sure could not make any less)... but I don't want to watch it to find out.

Mame (1974)

What were they thinking???

[27 August 2000]

I saw Mame a few days ago and I am still recovering.

The mere fact that they had to shoot the leading lady throgh what appears to be a screen door covered in vasaline to get her to pass for middle age should have tipped off the makers of this film that something was very wrong.

Is it just me or was the scene where Lucy puts the Santa Claus mask on during the song "we need a little christmas" and chase a small child around the room just the scariest thing you had ever seen? I had flashbacks to Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw Massacre... the only difference was that was SUPPOSED to be scary, this was supposed to be cute!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)

Did they even WATCH the first film... or any film for that matter?

[6 August 2000]

All I can say about this film is WOW!!!!! It is not often that you see a film with such obvious disdain for not just the audience, but also for the creators of the original film.

The first nightmare film was great, basically because it established the hard and fast rule that Freddy could only exist in the dream world. It then went and played with the audiences minds by never letting them know exactly when characters were dreaming or when they were awake. This piece of crap has Freddy doing a lame slice-and-dice job at a pool party for Gods sake!!!(and what was with the scene where Freddy causes the toaster to break... OH NO! Not only will he kill your kids but you will have to spend a fortune on replacing your small appliances!)

And was it just me but did this film seem to have all the worst stereotypical trait of horror movie women being played out by the male characters! First there is Jesse and his high pitched screaming every time someone looks at him sideways... and then there is Jesse's "friend" Grady.

We have seen that scene where the bimbo character (clad only in the skimpy underwear they are sleeping in for some reason) sees the killer/monster and just stands there motionless screaming for help because they are too scared/stupid to run, fight or do anything any normal human would at least try to don in an effort to survive.... but to the best of my knowledge this is the bimbo is a GUY!!!!

That said they did try some inventive new ideas with this film... would Wes Craven have had the guts to film an entire scene where one of the characters carries on a conversation with his mouth crammed full of food for no apparent reason? I think not! But then again Wes Craven HAS worked since this film came out.

Of course the less said about the gay subtext (and at time just plain text) the better. So I will not talk about the S&M loving gym coach having his butt spanked with towels. Nor will I mention the scene where Jesse leaves his girlfriend on the floor of a cabana to ask his male friend if he can sleep with him. I DO want to ask this though... am I the only one who noticed a box with PROBE written on the side on the top shelf of jesse's closet (please tell me it is a game of some description!)

Psycho (1998)

A good ideas spoilt by some poor casting choices

[12 March 2000]

Let's get this straight, this movie was not made for the die hard fans of the original film... it was done as an excercise to see if they could get some of the millions of people who have not seen the original because they don't like 'old films' (which is a group I have to admit I belonged to) to get a taste for the classics. If it wasn't for the remake I probably would never have watched the original.

One of the main problems with the remake, apart from the slow pace when compared to modern films, was the poor choice of Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates.

Please understand that this is not an attack on Vince Vaughn as an actor, but he is just too big and imposing a figure to appear harmless.

If you compare the scene in the back of the office where Norman and Marion have their meal you will see what I mean. When Anthony Perkins played that scene he appeared as a harmless little man complaining about how bad his life is.... uncomfortable but not life threatening. Vaughn seems like he's going to launch himself across the room at Marion at any second. After a few minutes in the same room with this fizzing, hissing loon I would be getting in my car, not the shower!

Once again no offence to Vince Vaughn, but Norman is a killer in the form of a nobody... not a hard body.

Cupid (1998–1999)

One of the best shows around

[13 August 1999]

I love the show... the writing is sharp and funny, the lead characters are perfectly cast and it's not afraid to have an ending other than "Boy gets girl... they all live happily ever after".

Just when I began to think that the big American networks are able to occasionally find the perfect mix I hear that the show looks like its going to be cancelled!!!!

WHY GOD WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

How can those people at the networks sleep at nights when they let quality entertainment get cancelled while shows like Baywatch are still running after years where the closest thing to a storyline that they have ever had is whether or not David Hasselhoff will be able to hold his gut in long enough for them to shoot him running down the beach in slow motion (at least I think it's slow motion) for the thousandth time.

Where is the justice in this world???