Caine-2 Reviews

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

Does a mall eatery constitute as part of the food court?

[5/10 · 24 August 2001]

Hmmm, being a huge Kevin Smith fan, I was (for once) disappointed with this dull and lifeless entry. Sure, Smith is a great mugger (gotta love those facial expressions), but this turned into a live action cartoon, and not a very funny one at that. The film derives most of its humor from the stars poking fun at themselves. There are barbs at Phantoms, Legend of Bagger Vance, and Armageddon, but none this really hits the bullseye. It's all very scattershot.

The humor is much like that of Mallrats' (which, slap me, I liked a LOT more), but most of the time it is too self referential. There are some clever barbs at Hollywood and Mirimax, but c'mon, was the View Askewniverse ever about satirizing celebrities? Put it like this, Jay and Bob doesn't do to Hollywood what Dogma did to the Catholic church.

On the bright side, there are many funny cameos, but they are the plot's only driving force.

I give this a 5.

The Gift (2000)

Sam Raimi. The man. The myth.

[24 January 2001]

*WARNING* some spoilers :)

Sam Raimi. The man. The myth. I've enjoyed all of his films (yes, even For Love of the Game and The Quick and the Dead) over his 18 year career. Unfortunately, I can't say anything positive about this one. I drove 50 miles to sit through a cliched, under developed, easy-to-guess "whodunit".

Billy Bob Thorton teams back up with Raimi after "A Simple Plan", which was, undoubtebly, one of 1999's best films. What we get here, though, is a character study without any depth or CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Numerous questions ran through my mind during the film's duration. Why was the Blanchett character such a soft-spoken push-over? Was she in a bad marriage? Previously beaten? Had a depressing childhood? I figured since she was a single, struggling mom, that she'd have a bit of character. None of these questions are answered, yet we are later forced to sit and watch her withhold important information from the police with no explanation.

Thorton seems to be in his usual screenwriting territory, as he makes Keanu Reeves' character a wife beater. How charming.

Those aren't the film's only problems (though, believe me, I wish they were).

There is a long, tedious courtroom sequence, involving Blanchett, that is completely irrelevant to the proceedings going on. She is questioned on what motives she used to find a body. What does that have to do with the killer's innocence? I was screaming, "Objection, your honor! Irrelevance!".

The killer couldn't be easier to guess, as fingers are obviously pointed in their direction. The ending is unsatisfying. I kept thinking to myself; "Psychic Woman Discovers Body and Tracks Down Killer", would be a perfect headline for a tabloid. Oh well, the movie never goes that deep.

Bottom Line: When a movie's two hour duration is used mainly for character development, yet the character's motivations are never understood or explained, you know the film has failed. Disastrously. Rent "A Simple Plan" instead.

2 out of 10

Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

Enjoyable, despite reservations

[9 December 2000]

Finally. Ten years in the waiting. The D + D movie has premiered. And I actually enjoyed it.

There are many negatives. For one thing, Thora Birch, as the Empress, seems to be lost in a performance inspired by Natalie Portman in Episode 1, only hers is more boring. Justin Whalin proves he has less acting talent than he did in Child's Play 3. Jeremy Irons, an Oscar winner, is hammy and over the top. The special effects aren't that special and the plot is almost incomprehensible.

Despite the negative comments above, D + D is a lot of fun. This is a fantasy movie so expect some flaws. Highlander isn't perfect, in fact the acting was terrible, but it has become a cult classic. And, I must say, this film is more than a cut above Highlander parts 2 + 3. Speaking of Highlander, that's Endgame's Bruce Payne as the evil Profion's main henchman. He overacts tastelessly, but also chews a lot of scenery. Another enjoyable cornball performance.

The action is, for the most part, well filmed. Also, unlike the game, not much here is left to your imagination. Many cheesy computer effects create low-budget Indiana Jones-like mazes and obstacles.

The Bottom line: Check your brain at the door. You will enjoy it. Also, there is a little creativity concerning which character dies. It may not be the obligatory choice you would expect.

6/10

Hellroller (1992 Video)

Hell is where this belongs...

[1/10 · 2 July 1999]

Finally, the first film I would recommend to Adolf Hitler, or for that matter, anyone guilty of committing heinous crimes.

Forget death sentences. We should make convicts watch this film over and over again. Maybe that way, the crime rate in this country would lower.

This makes my list of the five worst films ever made. Love that two-headed redneck.

Dirty Cop No Donut (1999 Video)

Tim Ritter's best since the first "Truth or Dare?"

[10/10 · 14 May 1999]

As far as satires go, this take-off of "Cops" works extremely well...as long as you get past the opening scene including amateur actors and a newspaper machine. The catch: The officer being videotaped is crazier than the criminals he terrorizes.

Joel D. Wynkoop, of "Creep" and "Lost Faith" fame, gives an intense performance as Officer Friendly, or as the original title called his character, the "Low down dirty cop". Gore fanatics will appreciate Ritter's sense of humor...especially one scene including a sex offender and his most prized possession. There are other standout performances as well; the domestic dispute is quite believable and the cocaine dealer gives a great Clint Eastwood tough-guy routine (complete with a cigarette clinched between his teeth).

OVERALL: Tim Ritter's best since his first major production, "Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness". If you like horror, smut and "shockumentaries", then this is for you. See it for Wynkoop's grizzled performance and the closing credits. They're a hoot. 10 out of 10 - Great "no budget" fair.

Screaming for Sanity: Truth or Dare 3 (1998 Video)

Better than Wicked Games...

[5/10 · 31 March 1999]

While Screaming For Sanity, the third entry in Tim Ritter's successful Truth Or Dare? series, is better than Wicked Games, it still pales in quality when compared to the original. Joel D. Wynkoop is entertaining in a campy quality, but the gory effects are what makes this worth seeing...especially the teeth chipping scene and Drano death. An entertaining low-budget camp fest that makes for an entertaining experience. You may feel like you want to yell at the screen in many spots...and that's why it's so much fun.

Overall: 5 out of 10 - A Gory, unintentionally funny camp-fest which is thoroughly entertaining due to Wynkoop's grizzled performance.

The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)

Surprisingly good

[8/10 · 13 March 1999]

Here, we witness the acts of Carrie White's half sister Rachael, an unpopular teenager with telekenitic powers. True, this film's formula is almost identical to the first's...but that's all right. The first Carrie is a classic and possibly Brian DePalma's best film. Carrie 2 succeeds mainly because of its energy and efforts to live up to the first film. I really felt as if the filmmakers tried for quality instead of just duplication. Although this is a retread of the same story, I still found it to be quite engrossing. Sue Snell is the only original character back, now working at Rachael's school as her guidance councelor. If you are a fan of gore, then this film definitely succeeds. The interaction between the teenagers is pretty realistic as well, with good dialogue I actually believe high school students might say. The gore quotent is high, and by the ending, heads are covering the floors. Just what I like.

Bottom Line: Solid performances in a surprisingly well-directed sequel to the horror classic. Although pointless, it provides entertainment for horror and slasher fans. 8 out of 10.

Baby Geniuses (1999)

An interesting failure

[7/10 · 13 March 1999]

Christopher Lloyd, as usual, is in top form. The rest of the cast is good as well, but that's not where Baby Geniuses fails. It's main problem is that the script just isn't funny enough. The film has moments of zany humor and a few laughs, but nothing here is that memorable...except the interaction between babies. These kiddies really appear to be communicating with one another. There are elements in this film that may help it achieve cult status in the near future. As it stands now, Baby Geniuses is an interesting failure. It entertained me until the end, but I just didn't laugh enough. See it for the novel plot and Lloyd's over the top performance. If you don't expect too much, this may be a guilty pleasure.

A 7 or 6 out of 10 (depending on my mood)

The Clown at Midnight (1998)

Excellent for true horror fans

[8/10 · 24 February 1999]

This is a sophisticated slasher film. Christopher Plummer is fantastic! If your idea of horror is teenagers being chopped up while reciting urban legends, then this may not be for you. But, if you are a fan of "The Phantom of the Opera" or "Theater of Blood", then you will enjoy this slight but entertaining thriller. All the performances are exceptional for a made for video film and the directing is just plain creepy; especially on the dream sequences. Although some may find this slow, I liked it for what it was. Yes, there are plot holes. Yes, there is excessive gore. Yes, most of the characters are cliched. This is what horror film buffs like. Not innovation, not recreating the genre, not satirizing popular films. Just good old fashioned scares, gore, and campy performances.

For Fangoria readers, a 10.

The Faculty (1998)

Gory fun...

[9/10 · 27 December 1998]

After Scream 2 and I Know What You Did Last Summer, I was worried that slasher/horror films where going down-hill once again. Don't get me wrong, I liked both films; I just feel they aren't even remotely comparable with Scream. And, after seeing The Faculty advertised, I figured my intuition was correct. I'm tired of the Disturbing Behavior, Urban Legend smart-ass college/high school kids who save the day. Maybe the teenage set get their kicks from watching this sort of thing, but I certainly don't. I remember the old Michael Meyers (excluding the boring, trite H20 which had no murders after the opening scene until the climax), Freddy, Jason days where the kids got killed, and the adults saved the day. I long for them again...but wait. I'm beginning to see a light at the end of this dark tunnel...because The Faculty actually entertained me! Maybe it was the entertainingly goofy script; but I believe I enjoyed this so much because it spoofs what Scream intended to startle us with. As long as high school kids are going to save the day, adults should be the vilain. Granted, there are exceptions, like I Know What You Did Last Summer; but even I Know Part 2 had a teenager behind the murders. (Sorry if it seems like I'm giving away part of it's twist, so if you haven't seen it, don't worry; it stinks!) Anyway, getting back to my point, I've always enjoyed films where kids outsmart the authority figure, Ferris Bueler, even the first Home Alone, and this one is no exception. Adults will like this because it's a reworking of Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Puppet Masters (the latter being the more inferior film of the 3, remember there are 2 Invasion's). The kids will enjoy its rich sense of humor and gore quotient; which isn't extreme, but enough to satisfy. Overall, the film contains Kevin Williamson's usual plot twists and maintains his sardonic sense of humor, (remember the ending of Scream? "Are you going to tell my mom?") but also includes a less grim version of the goins on. It may not be as clever or original, but its more satisfying. It's 1:40 minute running time helps as well, it's almost 25 minutes shorter and never drags. The acting is adequate. Surprisingly, I liked Elijah Wood...but I hate that Josh (Harnett, or something like that) from H20; he's a boring mess of an actor. Robert Patrick adds some fine supporting work as a football coach, he's worth the price of a ticket. The Faculty delievers good time slasher fun. It should give this now dying genre a jump start. Just a word to the screen writers and studio execs., no more "witty" films with kids the star. I'd like to see some adults in these things again. Blade and Vampires are good examples. Both were succesful (Vampires, despite a $21 million gross opened at number one, and only cost $12 million) and I think the public would like to see more of these...except, of course, Scream 3. I can't wait to see Neve finally get it!.

Overall, The Faculty proves to be more fun than Scream, but with a more ludicrous script. It's highly entertaining and I recommend seeing it...I know I will again.

Psycho (1998)

Weaker acting, better camera work

[8/10 · 5 December 1998]

Good news. The new version of "Psycho" barely changed a thing.

The bad news is that Vince Vaughn acts like too much of a nut-case, so those of you who haven't seen the original will guess the ending. That aside, this is an astonoshingly well directed film. I know it is a shot for shot remake, but that's not as easy as one might expect. For most of the film, he recreates each scene so vividly, that if this was in black and white you may confuse it with the original. Overall, this stands as a tribute to Hitchcock's original work, showing no one could do it better than the master. Van Sant's camera work is better, obviously due to today's superior equipment, and one scene has been deleted that dragged. The color film adds texture to scenes in Norman Bates' parlor that had been lost in the drabness of the black and white. One other note, William H. Macy gives the film's best performance, while Heche and Vaughn seem a little forced. Robert Forester is also good in his role. Not a complete success, but believe me, no one could remake it better. A nice surprise.

Ringmaster (1998)

I can't believe I paid for this...

[1/10 · 26 November 1998]

Ok, let me say that I didn't expect a film starring Jerry Springer to be cinematic gold, all I asked for was it to be cinematic...and it wasn't even that. It looked like someone's bad home movies. Poorly acted, scripted, and filled to the brim with nudity of the most unnattractive people I've ever seen.

The film's "plot" focuses on a low-class family who decide to go on the "Jerry Farrelly Show" to discuss multiple affairs between a mother, daughter, stepfather and the daughter's fiancee. From there, the movie fizzles and develops into a unique experience: white-trash pornography. There's redneck sex, interacial sex, even sex between Jerry and his wife? (Yuk!) This film encouraged me to want to run out of the theater and get a second circumcision. At least it was mercifully short. Disgusting and degrading. African-Americans and working class America should be offended. (Howard Stern should be pleased however, he didn't squander his attempt for film stardom. His was smart, funny and entertaining)

MY GRADE: F+ (the daughter was hot)

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

Worst sequel ever made?

[1/10 · 14 November 1998]

This, by far, is the worst sequel ever in the horror genre that went to theatres. ("Crazy Fat Ethel II" doesn't count) Plotwise, this garbage doesn't make any sense. For me to believe that the culprit behind this was able to afford such an expensive plan for revenge when they could have knocked on the protagonist's door and slaughter her there is excruciatingly ridiculous.

The plot, makes no sense. In the opening scene, Jennifer (Love?) Hewitt states in confession that she killed Ben Willis and lied to the authorities...Wait? She didn't kill Ben Willis, her friend did, and for another thing, he wasn't dead!!! Next, as she walks out of a class, (yes, yet another slasher film that starts at some sort of school; "Halloween H20", "Disturbing Behavior", "Urban Legend", and next "The Faculty") we learn that it is the July 4th weekend. I've heard of summer terms at universities, but full-fleged schooling? Everyone was there. No summer break? After that, she pulls a knife on her best friend Brandy, (I won't even justify that one with a comment) who is rummaging through her closet for something to wear. When she asks her what she's doing there, Brandy replies, "Girl, I thought you were gone". Good character development. Where would she have gone? Why would she even think this? Brandy is her BEST friend.

Skipping ahead, the action becomes very trite and unshocking. From carrying stuffed bodies on hooks, (Yes, the effects are cheap and unrealistic) to locking her in a tanner...Wait, let me discuss that. She is locked in a tanner with a plastic garbage clip and can't get out. Her friends, instead of turning it off, smash it till it breaks open in a frenzy. Kind of a dangerous procedure, isn't it? Shouldn't they turn it off and take their time? The control for the heat is on the outside.

As for the acting, well, although he had tons of bad dialogue, "Re-Animator"'s Jeffrey Combs still is a hoot as a nasty desk clerk. As for everyone else, well, this is all I can say: Brandy, don't give up your day job of singing; Hewitt, stay on t.v. where a poor performance is acceptable and everyone else...Alan Smithee it before it comes to video.

This has undoubetdly the worst script ever written for a big-screen film. It makes me want to watch "Halloween 5" and "Friday the 13th 7" a few more times.

My grade...F-

The Odd Couple II (1998)

Better than expected...

[9 November 1998]

Despite poor reviews from critics, this follow-up to the "Odd Couple" delivers quite a few big laughs. Both stars are in top form, although it looks as if old age is begining to damper (just slightly) ol' Walter Matthau's style. I enjoyed many of the sight gags, especially one with Bernard Hughes as a man planning to live to "120" as he drives them cross-country. Howard Duetch, who also directed the hilarious "Grumpier Old Men", does a fine job switching between the dramatic and comedic moments. Not a great film, but an entertaining one with quite a few guffaws. It's biggest downfall: It reminded me more of the "Grumpy Old Men" films than the original "Odd Couple".

Truth or Dare? (1986)

Not bad, especially for the 80's

[10/10 · 5 November 1998]

Let me start by saying that this review is a little one sided. I'm good friends with the film's real director Tim Ritter, and appeared in "Truth or Dare 3:Screaming for Sanity". The film does fall prey to its cheap production values, but they're not that cheap. Tim told me he spent close to a million bucks before completing this one. Plus, as an added bonus, if you live in Florida this is your lucky day. It was shot on location in the Treasure Coast area. Getting back to the movie, well, it's really not that bad; especially for the 80's. The gore quotient is high, acting decent and the plot, well...I've still never figured it out. I realize none of it makes much sense, but at least you won't feel ripped-off. There's enough blood for five movies by the end. Low-budget film fans, especially those who love cheeze, will be entertained for an hour-and-a-half.

Vegas Vacation (1997)

"Vegas Vacation" is one trip I wish I had never taken

[2 November 1998]

Stephen Kessler of the "got milk" commercial fame does his best to try and ruin the usually funny "Vacation" series, and does so successfully. The Griswolds no longer have any of the wit that sparked the first film's fire, and for that matter, it's not even as witty as the two lesser sequels which followed it. (Just so you're not mad, I said lesser, which means they were both laugh out loud funny, but not as hysterical as the first) The plot is non-existent, so there's no point in displaying it. Just know this, Clark (Chase) takes his beautiful wife Ellen(Beverly D'Angelo) and children to Las Vegas (surprise!!) to renew their wedding vows. From there, things get messed up... I didn't laugh enough in this film, (if I laughed at all), but Randy Quaid did supply all of the chuckles. He's still a hoot as Clark's cousin Eddie. Fans of the first 3 films will feel they have to watch this entry, I understand. But just hear me out, the best material they could come up with was Clark scaling the Hoover Dam...And what's with the PG rating? The first one was R and sequels PG-13. At this rate, the fifth entry (yes, that's right, count on a fifth entry. This one made almost 45 million and I guarantee you they spent peanuts) will be rated G. My final synopsis? Rent a Jane Fonda fitness video instead.