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Manus Hand
Reviews
Get a Life (1990)
Roll on the floor laughs
The wide-eyed innocence of (an overextended) youth, in the person of Chris Elliott, refuses -- episode after episode -- to submit to the reality of an adult world, no matter the patent absurdity of his childishness. Even with his bitingly sarcastic father constantly trying to slap him in the face with reality, Chris's character maintains his hilarious naiveté, to such an extent that he often convinces the world to join him in it and bend to his will.
Anyone who remembers their childhood and what it was like dreaming mail-order dreams that fail when the postman finally arrives cannot help but admire and envy Chris's tenacity in holding onto those dreams forever. Even now, more than a decade later, just the thought of Chris the infantile adult ordering a submarine kit through the mail then building and using it in his bathtub/shower has me laughing to the point of tears.
My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)
I was generous and rated it a 2
I only wish I hadn't already seen what must be every single movie worse than this one, and already rated them all a "1" here at the IMDB. Because since this movie actually had one palatable characteristic (Jon Lovitz), I had to give it a "2". But it hurt me to give it a "2" and you should know that. This truly is one of the worst movies made for a major studio. (And that's saying quite a bit.)
Bye Bye Birdie (1963)
Dick Van Dyke hates it
Dick Van Dyke is said to absolutely hate the movie version of "Bye Bye Birdie." When it came out, he told his co-stars on The Dick Van Dyke Show not to see it and that he was sure that he would never make a worse movie. Having made his name in the Broadway play, Van Dyke was not at all happy with the changes made to the story when it was brought to Hollywood. He felt that the essence of "Bye Bye Birdie" was lost and that the movie would have been more honest to itself if it had just been retitled "The Ann-Margret Show."
Never Been Kissed (1999)
Never Been More Bored
I had to think for a while before reluctantly deciding to rate this movie a "2" rather than a "1." I reserve "1" ratings for movies that absolutely no one could possibly like, and I suppose that there might be some poor someone out there who could perhaps find something they liked about "Never Been Kissed." Happily, though, I am not such a person.
Henry V (1989)
English history must be rewritten....
...and all tales of the Hundred Years' War must be retold in the light of new evidence, because it is now abundantly clear that the true reason that the battle of Agincourt was fought was to allow Kenneth Branagh to play and direct Shakespeare's Henry V. I struggle to find any word to describe this movie other than "perfect," and that doesn't do it the justice it truly deserves.
The Castle of Fu Manchu (1969)
If Hoover and Eureka did brain surgery....
...it would be by making movies like this. There are bad movies and then there are BAD movies. And then -- only THEN -- there's The Castle of Fu Manchu. Any attempt to find a plot will leave you exhausted after only the first few camera shots. But strangely, you find yourself thinking, "well, I must have missed something" or "well, I'm sure I'll catch on here in a minute" or "well, I'm sure this all comes clear in the end somehow." By the time you have sat through the whole thing, you could clean carpets by dragging your head across the floor. Some films are hilariously bad. Some are disturbingly bad. This one is just vacuously bad. This mass of completely wasted celluloid has got to be the worst movie from the third category of bad that you could ever find. My hope, for those of you who haven't yet seen it, is that you never never find yourself face to screen with it. You don't know how lucky you are and how very much I envy you.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
If you see the MST3K version....
...you have a stronger stomach than I. I'm one of the biggest MST3K fans I know, but even Joel and the Bots have been unable to convince me to leave the remote alone during this one. To all those who say this is the worst movie ever made, I happily add my voice. I think the reason that Comedy Central made the shocking career move to ditch MST3K must have been because the president of that network caught "Manos" once, judged MST3K from that experience, and may even have assumed that Best Brains was wasting his money putting together fake films at which they could poke fun. If we assume that he didn't have access to the IMDB to check up on things, I can definitely see him thinking that nothing -- nothing -- could possibly be this bad. Sadly, that is not true. "Manos" lacks everything that is redeeming in any film experience. You name an aspect of filmmaking, and this movie shows perfectly how to do it wrong. But not wrong in a funny way. Just badly. Very badly. Unspeakably badly. I've seen "Manos" all the way through only by catching different parts during different airings of the MST3K episode. So I probably am a bit better off than most people posting here, because I can imagine at least halfway decent editing between the many fragments of absolute, unadulterated, complete, utter garbage that have burned their way into all the minds that have been forever scarred by this so-called movie. My first name is "Manus" and my last name is "Hand" (honest) and fellow MSTies blame my 1964 birth announcement in a L.A. newspaper for somehow giving Hal Warren the idea for this piece of truly unspeakable tripe. I can only pray that it isn't true, or I will never forgive my father for not naming me "David" or something. If there's any movie in the IMDB database that is a perfect 1, it is this one. I urge everyone to drag its rating as low as it can possibly go, because this, truly, is the epitome of bad. To those fortunate enough to have yet been spared the experience of seeing this pile of crap, I know how tempting it must be to read these juicily ugly reviews and to want to know for yourself if "Manos" can truly be as bad as everyone says. Take my advice, though, and save yourself from a fate that I swear you do not -- cannot -- understand. Do yourself the biggest favor of your life: do NOT see "Manos." And tell the world that "Manus" saved you from it. Help rehabilitate my reputation. It's not my fault!
Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)
Would Make Roddenberry Proud
As a fan of Star Trek since the days of Kirk and Spock, I was very pleased with Insurrection. Having read all the criticisms made by other fans on these pages, I still must say that this was one of the better Star Trek movies. Yes, some of the plot points were predictable (the use of the holoship in the end, and there was absolutely no suspense to Picard's hair's breadth escape) but I found that when the movie dragged, I spent all my brain-power wondering whether the Son'a represented the Palestinians or the Israelis. It is a tribute to the filmmakers that they never made it clear which. Thus, the audience is free to think. Just what Gene Roddenberry would have wanted. It is by transporting 20th century problems into science fiction that Star Trek fulfills its charter and it is then that it is at its best. It is sad that so many of the motion pictures don't seem to have this in mind. Insurrection does.