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Reviews
The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)
Who's behind the helmet? Who's behind the murders? Who keeps switching the sheriff's badge?
This movie is great. It defies logic at every turn. For example, people are killed by having their hands nailed together. What? The person behind the motorcycle helmet sounds like they're talking through a synthesizer, but when the helmet is taken off, it's just a normal person. What? The sheriff's car is just a normal blue car with no markings. What? The sheriff's badge and shoulder holster magically jump sides the entire film! What? The sheriff and town coroner find a body in the middle of town and then desert it, saying "it's been here this long, it ain't goin' anywhere." What? A woman sits and blubbers simply because her friends have walked into the forest and have been gone for awhile. What? Oh, and my favorite scene, where a guy gets shot and falls over onto some garbage cans. He's draped over one of them, dead, and it starts tipping over, so he reaches out and pushes off on a wall to re-balance himself! What?? Look, obviously I could go on and on, but you just have to see this one for yourself to see how hilarious it is. My grade: A-
Invasion of the Blood Farmers (1972)
an in-betweener
One of those films that is just plain terrible. It sucks, but not bad enough to qualify as a classic cheesy film. In other words, it's unbearably boring. The director could have at least thrown in some gruesome death scenes to spice things up a bit, but no, instead all we have are some ultra-goth looking druid types hovering around and spouting overly long monologues (although some of their lines are amusing). The only thing that saves the movie at all are some cheesy lines and an ending that has to be seen to be believed. Otherwise, a real stinker. My grade: D
Elves (1989)
This plastic elf that scoots around and can't close its mouth means business. . .no really, he does
This is one of the greatest bad horror films I've ever seen, and I've seen plenty. Mr. Grizzly Adams chain smokes in every scene, and the elf creature can barely move (always a great way to achieve that "menacing" ambiance). I ask you, with lines like "Santa said oral," and "You're not a detective anymore, you're Santa," how can you go wrong. My brother-in-law and I laughed through this entire film, and they were belly laughs, believe me. At one point old Grizzly, looking around in the dark for the elf (who is literally right in front of him) is forced to actually look *over* the thing to make the scene believable. At another point, the little brother asks if everything is going to be alright. His big sister replies "No Billy. Gramps is a Nazi." I know you guys must think I'm spoiling the film, but trust me, there's plenty, plenty, plenty more where that came from. For example, the elf tries to dig in the dirt, but because it's basically just a lump of plastic, its hands just sort of brush around in the dirt helplessly. Aliens it ain't, but Elves rocks just the same, and rocks hard. My grade: A
Blood Shack (1971)
True terror lurks in rodeo stock footage
This film is 20 minutes lousy horror flick, 50 minutes rodeo stock footage with bad voice overs. I like it. My grade: B+
Raw Deal (1986)
Arnie is the cheeze master!
Okay, so this isn't the best of the 80's Arnie movies (that distinction goes to Commando, easily) but it's still not too bad. It has a bit of a slow start, but the cheesiness of the last half hour is worth the crummy buildup. This movie has my vote for one of the most hilarious endings ever in an action movie (Oh my god, he can walk!!). Wow, really great stuff. Check this one out if you're an Arnie fan. My grade: C+
Night of the Demons 2 (1994)
You Go Angela!
This movie is great. The cast is good, particularly the female roles (check out Marcia Brady from the Brady movies). Night of the Demons 2 has the perfect blend of comedy and gore, a la The Leprechaun series, The Return of the living Dead series, Evil Dead, et al, making for some extremely pleasurable viewing. I couldn't help but notice that a few of the ideas used in this movie (the super soakers with holy water) were used in From Dusk Till Dawn (not to take anything away from that movie). It's not often that a sequel surpasses the original, especially in the horror genre, but this one does by far. Make sure to check it out, or face the wrath of Angela. My grade: A-
Halloween II (1981)
Just before it all went terribly wrong
Is Halloween 2 as great as the original? No. Is it a worthy sequel, especially compared with the subsequent installments in the series? Yes. I mean, c'mon, there are some great scenes in here. The car hitting the kid and exploding? Classic cheeze. The scene in the hot tub? Ahh yeah baby. Mike Myers rocks people's worlds in this film. Halloween 2 admittedly moves at a pace that is as slow as a jug of cold molasses, and has an extremely blah ending, particularly since the suspense has carried over from the ending of the first, leaving us with larger expectations. The hospital as the main setting was a great idea, but have you ever been to a hospital that dark, and that under-staffed? It just wasn't believable. But, this is the horror genre, after all, and these minor points can be overlooked in the overall scheme of things. What's more important is that the movie exudes a sense of dread, of foreboding; when we see Mike looming in the background, our hairs still prickle (after this installment, you just never quite get that feeling again, especially in the grossly overrated H20). And of course, the death toll is staggering, and it's hard to argue with that logic. My grade: B-