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Barbarian (2003)
Wooby
The best movie to ever feature Wooby. Only one word can sum what the awesomeness of this movie. I don't know what that word is, but rest assured I will find it. The only character you need to watch in this movie is Wooby, and all the others. Wooby is the greatest actor this side of Martin Kove. Wooby may also be the richest character to emerge from the world of film since...ever. I propose a sequel entitled Wooby: Barbarian II. It's a buddy cop movie starring either Gary Busey or Danny Glover and Wooby. They battle time-traveling terrorists in present-day New York City. There's the usual back and forth between the reluctant new partners and the requisite moment where Glover/Busey sees the true tortured soul of Wooby, as he writhes on a bed in a cheap motel in pain from a full belly moaning "ooh I hope you didn't want any cake 'cause I ate it all."
The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (1988)
Odin, Odin, Odin.
This is possibly the most entertaining sequel in film history. The first "Decline" film presented the punk rock scene of the late seventies/early eighties and captured the rebellion and dissatisfaction found in that movement. This film focuses on the much more entertaining glam-metal scene of the late eighties. We witness such awesome sights as W.A.S.P.'s Chris Holmes getting loaded in his pool while his mom sits pool-side contemplating a very late abortion. Our old pal Ozzy's juice-pouring methods are something to behold and my new favorite band Odin sits in a hot tub with a bunch of metal-sluts and tells us how they want to be bigger than Zepplin and the Stones. This is intercut with their live performance where the lead singer expresses less range than Mark Slaughter and has no ass in his pants! We hear about struggling metal-heads who use women for their money and their food (they of course plan to pay them back with furs and cars when they get big.) And the always entertaining Poison treats us to a healthy dose of rock n' roll stupidity. This film contains some of the stupidest people I have ever witnessed. Why it won no Oscars is beyond me. I think it is one of the truly great films of the decade.
Hell Squad (1985)
The socio-political struggle for gender equality in the midst of the arms race.
Hell Squad is the story of a group of Las Vegas showgirls come commandos sent to rescue a diplomat's son in what is truly the world's first "art" film. This beautifully made film has a stellar cast portraying multi-dimensional characters of such depth as the suspicious tiger-owning arab, the conflicted millionaire, and the large-breasted commandos.
The story itself deals with such important socio-political issues as the arms race, gender equality, water conservation, and animal cruelty. For example; a tiger's tail is stamped on by the villain's angry foot; these busty dancers prove that they can infiltrate the enemy with the best of em', while being socially responsible by bathing together because of a water shortage; and our damsel, the diplomat's son, is bound by shackles no one can see, representing the invisible threat of the neutron bomb (where did that elephant go?).
Finally, as the startling ending asserts, nothing is as it seems. The final scene is a shocker unlike anything you've witnessed since the glory days of Scooby Doo. For fast-paced, stimulating film-making at its finest, do yourself a favor and find Hell Squad!
The Killer Eye (1999)
Complete Poop, complete joy!!!
The killer eye comes from the 8th dimension with only one thing on his mind; poonany. If ever there was a ridiculous excuse to see naked women, and I don't believe there is, this is it. Thank God we have that comic relief from the Beetlejuice-esque Crazy Bill to lighten the tension what with that scary killer eye about. A scientist trying to gain access to the 8th dimension unwittingly unleashes a giant fake-looking eye that molests his wife while she sleeps in between the two hunky stoners that live downstairs. They are obviously lovers, by the way. Absolutely genius film gives the answer to that eternal question; "What do we do if a killer eye from the 8th dimension comes here to molest our women?" The Answer: "Get him to sign a multi-sequel contract."
No Place to Hide (1973)
If you think it's "a bomb" you're sorely mistaken.
Sly plays a sixties radical who must choose between his love for a beautiful country girl and his loyalties to a terrorist group planning to bomb a Manhattan skyscraper. Stallone's performance is to be admired as he delivers lines such as "a bohhmb." Also you can just let the tears fly as Sly or shall I say Jerry Savage takes that final liberating run through a field of green. This could be the greatest movie ever made. Definitely misunderstood.
Happiness (1998)
The best film of 1998.
Todd Solondz has created the most uncomfortable and funny movie of the year, perhaps the decade. The story follows three sisters and their search for what ultimately remains out of reach;happiness. Also looking for that sole purpose for being are an obscene phone-caller, and a seemingly normal father who drugs his son's friend during a sleep-over in order to sodomize him. The gut-wrenching situations are portrayed humorously, but not lightly. Solondz is not justifying this behaviour, but rather understanding that these are sick individuals that are ultimately trying for the same thing we all are, just to be happy. By making this film, he has presented the audience with one of the most challenging viewing experiences ever. Definitely the best film of 98.
Rhinestone (1984)
Suffers from "Rhinestone" sydrome.
This film suffers from what we in the reviewing business call "Rhinestone syndrome." This disorder refers to any movie that baffles you so that you can't figure out if you're laughing at it or with it. It is my belief that this is Stallone's most entertaining film, while it seems to be his most critically despised. Seeing the Italian Stallion attempt such unsingable classics as "Old MacDonald Had A Farm," and the immortal "Drinkenstein," is only the tip of the iceberg with this gem. Is it terribly written, or the most ingenius piece of cinematic art ever to be created? Perhaps that's just another eternal question we have to ponder, right up there with Rudy Ray Moore's "How, and Why?"