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Bobo-43
Reviews
Battlefield Earth (2000)
I want that two hours of my life back!
Okay, everyone has seen review after review pointing out the utter idiocy that is Battlefield Earth. I must reiterate, however, to drive home the point: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. Or, if you must, buy a ticket for an actually worthy movie and theater hop, don't reward the people who put out this wretched abomination with your money. I was a fortunate one, one of my friends paid for the ticket, not me. And if he thinks he's ever getting his money from me, he's got another thing coming. However, I will never get back the precious, wasted hours of my life. Save yourselves! At many points, I must wonder whether the script was in fact the fault of Hubbard or a five-year old child. One or the other thought that it would be really cool to have a bunch of stone-using tribesmen zoom around in Harriers. But wait, not only are the tribesmen able to restore thousand-year-old fighters, fuel and arm them in a magical military base that still has power after those thousand years, they can also talk to each other without any headsets or other radio equipment while flying around! Psychic tribesmen! Who, after that thousand years, know phrases like, "Piece of cake" and, "I'm on his tail".
But even if the screenplay was written by this hypothetical child, Hubbard is still responsible for the "hero", Johnny Goodboy. Who the hell names a character Johnny Goodboy? And why does he have no personality at all? I mean, none! He strives to emulate Braveheart with little, failed attempts at rousing speeches, but they come across as flat and pathetic as the rest of the acting. The Psyclos aren't nearly as intimidating as they should be, just how much can the audience fear an ultimate enemy that you could defeat with an egg in a jar with an opening too small to fit their fist through? On top of that, they still manage to trust the Terl guy despite the fact that he goes out of his way to screw over everyone he passes by. You could easily cause a Psyclo to have a seizure just by asking, "No means yes and yes means no, do you want me to hit you?"
In any event, if you think that a galvanic skin tester can cure your spiritual ills and that giving $400,000 to become an Operant Theta VIII is a good idea, then run to see this movie! If you are not yet in the clutches of Hubbard's happy family, then avoid it at all costs. I'm convinced it's a Scientology plot to numb the brains of the viewers so much that their warped technobabble makes sense in comparison.
Swingers (1996)
Cinema at its worst.
If there is a more vile, boring, wretched movie that has ever sprung from a festering cesspool of a writer's imagination, I have yet to see it. There is no plot to speak of, a bunch of painfully two-dimensional drunkards float from party to party and call each other "money". The writer, after apparently waking up in his own vomit and blearily looking at his typewriter and realizing this attempted to force a plot by having one of the character wave a gun at some straight-edgers. While in reality this would have resulted in said character being riddled with bullets (as myself and everyone in the room was eagerly hoping for), the straight-edgers just leave. End of conflict, end of plot. This movie took away precious minutes of my life that I can never have back. Save yourselves, avoid this like the plague!
Funny Man (1994)
Run, don't walk, away from this one!
A little prelude, some friends and I were wandering around the video store, spotted this movie, and picked it up, thinking it would be one of the "so bad it's funny" sort of movies that the horror genre is famous for. It's not. The plot is so flimsy that it's evident that it was added as an afterthought to justify all of the killing. That's fine, pretty common, in fact. However, they don't get away with it because, as a british film, all of the actors have very thick british accents. It's made worse by the fact that the actors are also mumbling about half their lines, making the whole thing utterly incomprehensible to non-UK viewers. All in all, this one really qualifies in the "I can't believe I threw away irreplacable hours of my life for this" category.