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Reviews
Steal Big Steal Little (1995)
Stole 2hrs of my life
This film was terrible. Andy Garcia plays two twin brothers who are polar opposites - one of them a generous, Bohemian, harmonica-playing, salsa-dancing, illegal-refugee-harbouring saint-like figure; the other a dastardly "businessman"-like scoundrel. They battle throughout over an inheritance neither of them really seems to deserve, and {spoiler alert!!!} at the end there is an epiphany of biblical proportions as Brother Bad realises just in time the error of his ways. Precipitated by what? A crazed rant from Brother Good whilst in a hot-air balloon about the importance of love, the rivers, the land, the family.... The humanity!
Logan's Run (1976)
Awful awful awful!!!
This film was outstandingly terrible. The acting was heinous, the editing (and I almost never notice bad editing) was jerky, the plot was idiotic and the tempo was leaden and boring. I hated it from start to finish, and I hated myself for renting it and for putting myself and my girlfriend through it's awfulness. I'm very lucky we're still an item after my making such a violent and unprovoked assault on her sense of good taste.
Reading the other reviews here makes me wonder if I was even watching the right movie! Their's sounds reasonably good. Mine was totally inane and dull; even the random and inexplicable scenes of acid porno couldn't rescue this wretched turkey.
X-Men (2000)
X-crementitious
Well, not really, but a disappointment nevertheless. The film's dialog was absolutely pitiful ("You know what happens when lightning strikes a toad...? Same as anything else!") and the undignified promotion of it's own sequel during the last 10 minutes was embarrassing. Great cast, but Stewart and McKellan were criminally misused. Janssen was pretty good, as per usual, Berry sucked, Paquin was excellent. The ending was silly and pretty unexciting. When Magneto put that hulking dumba** solely in charge of keeping him safe from the X-Men, I felt as if the last vestiges of excitement had evaporated.
So, in summary, style without substance (a la Mummy) and a shameless sequel plug (a la Back to the Future II) annoyed me, but damn it I like SciFi even when it's irritating. 6 ex 10.
Event Horizon (1997)
Scared the s*** out of me
I first saw this movie on a crowded flight with one of those tiny little four-inch LCD screens. Even under those reassuring circumstances I was completely sucked in and freaked out. I've rented this gem twice since and I've managed to scare friends who claim never to be phased by horror movies. I reckon the commentators who call this movie boring are just acting tough. I bet when you go to bed at night you can still see that image of the demonic Dr. Weir in your head, intoning that where you're going, you won't need eyes to see, and you wake up whimpering in a pool of your own urine. By the way, I see the IMDB recommendations engine advises people who enjoy this movie to go see Contact. Ha ha! What next, a link to Bambi from the Exorcist?!
Dallas Doll (1994)
The next Mel Gibson???
Solid acting from the studly Blundell elevates this confused feature from turkey to flawed classic. During the steamy love scene, who wouldn't like to swap places with the lucky, lucky Bernhard (or to be one of those weird voyeuristic ravens at the very minimum)? Aussie high-jinks at its most quirky and incomprehensible - what a rush! I'm just glad I came along for the ride.
Jacob's Ladder (1990)
Fantastic film - why the mediocre IMDB rating?
OK, I've only just watched this film, and I haven't had time to really mull over it to the extent a lot of the other IMDB web-site surfers seem to have, but already I'm confused.... I've never seen such uniformly gushing plaudits for any movie (all richly deserved) so why isn't this in the top 200? Or top 50, for that matter?
One part I thought was cinematically brilliant - in the party after Jacob starts wailing on the floor, the stroboscopic images of people standing "concernedly" over him, and the subsequent transition back to 'Nam. This is a really fantastic flick actually; Aeillo's spiel about Devils really being angels - who would have thought of it? But watch the film and it makes total sense! A true gem. One that I'll certainly be watching again soon (I've a four day rental on it - woo hoo!).
The Mummy (1999)
Unconscionable tripe
This film sucked the fat one and I'm absolutely stunned that so many people think otherwise. It was so cringesome and unfunny and crap that I'm straining to avoid sinking into a litany of expletives just thinking about it. I'm aghast at how willing so many people are to accept ho-hum special F/X as a substitute for acting / plot / dialogue etc. I'm thoroughly ashamed that my admission money will in some way serve to perpetuate the prevalence of this kind of brain-downsizing excrement.
I really wanted the bad guy to win - to rescue his damsel and kill Fraser and his spastic mates, and then proceed to brutally torture the cast and crew and the rest of the idiot world who paid and pay for such wretched flicks.
Brendan Fraser should be much more careful about so tarnishing his potentially great career with dreadful fare time and again. As for John Hannah, I know he's a great actor but if I met him on the road I'd have to avert my eyes for shame. One can only hope the other set of loser-nobodies have nailed the lids on their coffins of their silver-screen careers with this turkey. Gobble gobble!
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
FUNNY!!!
What a funny movie! Carrey's a comedic legend and in Ace he found the ideal showcase for his talent (which, sadly, he beat to death in the lackluster sequel). Ace is on a totally different planet and he couldn't care less for social conventions or politeness. He just likes his animals and bonking Monica from friends (fair enough, says you).
I don't understand people who don't get it. COME ON, it's FUNNY! Anyway, your loss because this one kicks butt.
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Best film ever?!
I too was dazzled by this movie when I first saw it; Robbins and Freeman were both fabulous and the story was an intensely happy marriage of the nostalgic and edifying to the tense and disturbing. The theme of success against the odds is rarely so emotive, and the desperate hope and yearning are truly palpable.
But it's simply NOT the best film of all time! Parts of it are cliched, most of it is downright implausible. The symbolism is trite and way too in-your-face, particularly with Freeman explicitly spelling out (albeit touchingly) what should have been the movie's duty to portray.
The ending was a shameless exercise in trying to make the world feel better than it's ever felt before. Films have every right to be manipulative, but when it's this blatant the magic collapses. Or did for me anyway.
Mind you, still a smashing flick. I'm only nit-picking because everybody else seems to be in such a weird frenzy of Shawshank worship.
What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)
Excellent flick
I notice that at least 75 people gave this movie 1 out of 10 in their ratings. Give me a break! I can only assume you're trying to artificially drag down the average down to where you'd like it to be by voting ludicrously low. Not only is that undemocratic, but it undermines the integrity of the voting system and makes you look like losers. I gave the movie a perfect 10, not to screw up averages but because it's deadly.