cynic-7 Reviews

Showtime (2002)

pathetic piece of trash that ends up becoming what it parodies

[6 April 2002]

A spoof that is more cliched than what it's attempting to send up -

quite remarkable really. Painfully bad direction, writing and

performances from all involved. De Niro is particularly terrible.

'Midnight Run' showed that he could do comedy well, and

'Showtime' finally proves that it was a fluke.

What the hell is wrong ol' Bobby? A string of dire films seems to

have graced his name of late, 'Showtime' being the latest piece of

garbage to add to his resume. It will look great under such

spectacular failures as '15 Minutes', or the massively overrated

'Meet the Parents'. Get a gun or baseball bat back in your hand

Robert, and give Scorcese a call.

The Matrix (1999)

So many reasons to hate...

[6 December 1999]

I hate this movie for so many reasons. I hate it becasue of what it could have been, I hate it because the Wachowski brothers turned a good idea into a two hour rock video, I hate it because it has Keanu Reeves - the half wood, half ham glazed in cheese man.

I hate it because it is a typical piece of MTV gutter trash that is pumped out to a target audience of the slacker-generation who are devoid of free thought and unable to last 10 seconds without an edit. I hate it because it has some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard, and all the usual 'what is reality? who can say what is real and unreal?' garbage.

I hate it because it shamlessly rips off john woo and is called original, I hate it because the plot is a rip off of Heinlen, Fisk and asmimov and is called original. I hate it because Hugo Weaving, one of Australia's finest was forced to put on a ridiculous accent.

I hate it because people dare to compare it to Bladerunner, I hate it because people look at me funny when I say I hate it, but I just hate it for the festering diseased scab on the putrid backside of B grade filmaking that it is. I just hate it.

Blue Murder (1995)

The greatest Australian TV experience ever

[6 October 1999]

Blue Murder is nothing short of a masterpiece. It delves into the world of police corruption and criminal activity and leaves nothing to the imagination. Everything about it is made all the more incredible due to the fact it's all true.

The casting is nothing short of genius. Richard Roxburgh as the infamous detective/criminal/murderer Roger "the Dodger" Rogerson is so utterly convincing and accurate you'd swear it was the man Roger himself. Tony Martin is equally brilliant as the notorious Neddy Smith, the charming, brutal and cunning criminal mastermind. All of the supporting cast do equal justice to the show, in particular Peter Phelps as 'Abo' Henry.

Blue Murder will have you utterly engrossed for all of its 4 hour running time, and leave you amazed and shaking your head in disbelief at the end. This is the real stuff, as it happened, as remarkable, and unthinkable as it is to comprehend. Go out of your way to see this one.

Wing Commander (1999)

Succeeds in being an exercise in dullness and tedium

[1 October 1999]

This has to be one of the dullest, most boring, un-involving, un-exciting, anti-climactic science fiction films I've ever seen.

Absolutely nothing happens. There is no spectacular space combat. The fighters shoot down enemy bogies as if they were being guided by 90 year old grandpas out on a sunday drive. The capital ships lumber past one another, and shoot missiles which take enough time to plot a course to another universe to make impact. The enemy ships seem to be woefully under-armed, unable to defeat a cruiser even when its shields are off and it's at point blank range.

The aliens themselves are a bunch of stupid looking moggies, whose 'fur' actually shines in that way only plastic can. when they open their mouths it's an embarrassing display of how not to make a puppet, looking as they do like ventriloquist dummies.

Now there is some sort of plot. Apparently. It's made up in about the first five minutes, and never referred to again. Characters hint at every now and then, but every time they seem to get somewhere director Roberts make sure they keep quiet. Thusly, the 'tension' we are supposed to feel is just a banal experience of watching the village idiot who plays the lead role of Blair going 'Quadrant six eight two niner has impact sector dialisys E type! Am making a vector K one eight four zero manoeuvre to try and save ship' - as if it's supposed to be 'intelligent' dialogue.

While not as unwatchable as other video game to film movies such as Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, this once again reinforces the notion that this whole transfer genre is just a really bad idea that's doomed to failure.

The Abyss (1989)

2001 under water

[26 August 1999]

The Abyss remains James Cameron's most ambitious, creative and epic work in his current film-making career. He weaves a narrative that is both exciting and philosophical, a rare occurrence in modern day American cinema.

The special effects do not flounder even today, 10 years after its creation, the direction is up to Cameron's usual high standard, of fluid tracking shots, steadicam action shots, and all the touches he is famous for. The photography is stunning, and the music by Silvestri is brilliant.

Where The Abyss really succeeds though is in three main elements of acting, plot and script. All of the performances are so natural, as the viewer you immediately connect with them, and that relationship becomes more and more powerful with each subsequent viewing. The dialogue is amazing as well, with no 'stunted' lines that would plague Cameron's later efforts of True Lies and Titanic. The characters challenge each other in what they say, the movie is like a two and a half hour tennis match of dialogue being constantly rocked back and forth between the actors, which makes The Abyss utterly engaging. We really believe these guys live and work on a rig 2000 feet below the sea.

The plot of The Abyss is on par with 2001 in several factors. It is no less epic for a start, both films ending with the beginning of a new chapter for humanity, and both films taking a cynical look at mankind which is ultimately redeemed. In The Abyss we are presented with the worst (the near outbreak of WWIII) and the best (Bud's disarming of the warhead, his love for Lindsay) of mankind.

Bud's journey down the abyss is the most metaphorical incident Cameron has ever filmed, literally as Conrad expressed, 'the journey to a heart of immense darkness'. The bleakness of humanity, the burden of our folly, completely encompasses Bud, but he ventures on regardless, and finds the shimmer of hope at the end of it. And then, through sheer willpower, and reliance on human instinct, he disarms the nuclear warhead, the symbol of the death of mankind. Bud's act redeems the human race.

And ultimately, The Abyss ends on a high. Mankind has reached the point where we can no longer look after our own destiny (again a re-occurring theme of Kubrick), and so the aliens, the NTI's will do it for us. They will lead us into Utopia, a better way.

The Abyss is an under-rated masterwork of cinema, and one that will stand the test of time, emerging as one of the greats. This is the film Cameron should be remembered for.

Flesh+Blood (1985)

I want to like this movie

[20 August 1999]

I absolutely love Verhoeven's films, from his dutch efforts through to his American stuff. I watch this film often, each time I hope I like it more than the last, and each time it doesn't happen. The photography is brilliant, the costumes and props top notch, and the acting is fine. The story has some serious flaws however, and the overall experience leaves one very cold. Coulda been a masterpiece...

Barry Lyndon (1975)

Sheer splendour

[20 August 1999]

Barry Lyndon is as close to perfect as a motion picture can come. From the opening scene of the dueling figures in the distance, offset by glorious Irish countryside, the viewer is utterly engrossed in the experience.

The film moves with a pace that is both gentle and swift. The rambling adventures of the rouge Redmond Barry are comic, sad, exciting and desperate. It's 3 hour running time is not tribute to a complex plot, rather a complex character, who our perception towards constantly changes. In one moment he is the hero, the next the villain. This is not forced upon us though in obvious acts of bravery or treachery, rather it is more subtly realised by the viewer.

Kubrick's films usually deal with the dehumanising of mankind. This is certainly an important plot element in Barry Lyndon, especially in the second half, where Barry resigns to his fate, and the viewer with him. The script of the epilogue however, is perhaps the greatest redeeming example of Kubrick's love for humanity as well, as he describes all people of the era, whether rich or poor, handsome or ugly, as 'all equal now'. Kubrick, hailed as a genius, has now joined them, but testaments like Barry Lyndon will live as long as the cinema itself.

Starship Troopers (1997)

Melrose Space

[13 August 1999]

Paul Verhoven is just dripping, oozing in style. This has to be one of his slickest to date. A great film, successfully parodying war films, fascism, society, and is also highly entertaining.

So it's not exactly like the book...but who cares, it's its own story. And it's great fun. Watch, laugh, and enjoy.

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Left his most enigmatic until last

[7 August 1999]

Okay, no-body reads the really long reviews, so I'll make this one short, even though it does deserve a lengthy essay. I have a few points to make. Firstly, this film is NOT a thriller. Anyone who claims it fails in this category is simply wrong, it is only claimed to be a thriller by confused tabloid idiots who got bored once their popcorn bucket was empty. Second, those that claim the film fails because it has no plot are wrong as well. Not every story has to have a narrative to have a plot. A plot can be a theme that is explored. In this film it is that of jealousy. Your average film goer has an attention span of a troubled child on cherry soda, so the claim of it being 'boring' are to be expected but can be easily ignored.

This film is very European in style and ideology. It's brilliant. Finally some art-house that the masses are flocking to.

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted? (1999)

Different to Warriors, but not inferior

[2 August 1999]

Anyone expecting this film to be Once Were Warriors 2: The Continuing Misadventures of Jake the Muss will be disappointed. It stands as a great drama in its own right, and as a follow up to Once Were Warriors.

I think the reason it has come under heavy critical fire is because people were expecting it to be more of a sequel than a follow up, and were also expecting a similar emotional experience to Warriors, which is entirely different in this movie.

While Warriors wrenched your emotions back and forth, Broken Hearted barely has a scene without tension and sadness. There is no room to breath in this film, not even at the final reel, when we are suddenly confronted with the credits. A great film, and a great experience.