Wazzathekiller Reviews

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)

Unspeakable trash

[1/10 · 20 July 2017]

What is there to say about this movie? Can it even be called a movie? It's more like some poorly made music video or computer game where there's no need for a strong script or acting, just a need for mindless visuals and CGI battles that look like they've been created by some college students that have had a week long bender on various illicit substances.

This film has virtually no redeeming qualities. It doesn't matter whether it's a King Arthur movie, whether it sticks to the tradition or not. This movie could be about anything and it would still be rubbish. It might as well be about anything or nothing as that's all your left with. The story line is garbage, the characters and acting are woeful (except maybe Jude Law as others have mentioned), the action is poorly shot and the CGI is some of the worst ever committed to film. I mean it's worse than bad. Whoever came up with those sequences should be barred from the film business for life. The music is at least interesting, some of it works well but other tracks are jarring and seem totally unfitting for the subject matter on the screen.

No wonder this film was a box office flop and had the studio cowering in shame. Guy Ritchie has had some decent efforts in the past but this is a travesty. I believe it was supposed to be the first in a long line of King Arthur movies the studio planned to churn out. Let's hope another one never sees the light of day. This is a blight on the movie business and humanity.

Julia X (2011)

Brilliant Black Comedy with a touch of Sorbo

[7/10 · 11 November 2014]

This was a great surprise. I rented it as a last option with some friends basically because it had Kevin Sorbo in it and looked vaguely interesting.

What I got was a fantastic and funny game of cat and mouse where the tables are turned many times. To mention any of the plot would be to give too much away nut luckily the action escalates quickly and there's rarely a boring moment.

Sorbo's performance is one of the best I've seen from him in a long time. Most of the humour and success of the film comes from him and his indestructible character known as 'The Stranger'. No one can defeat the mighty Hercules. This bloke can take some serious punishment and laugh it off with style.

For those of you who like plenty of violence and blood (like me) there's plenty to be had here. Most of the film has a fun tone except for when it switches to the girls back story which then jolts the viewer into much more serious territory for several minutes before being taken back to the party. It's like being at a beach party with mates only to look down and realise a shark has taken your leg off at the knee, but then to look around and realise that acid your friend gave you at the party is kicking in but your still having a great time.

Anyway I heartily recommend this film for a good time with mates or to impress your girlfriend with Sorboism (the new word for orgasm). Watch it just for the Ving Rhames seen at the end. This needs to happen more often to Ving.

Quicksilver Highway (1997 TV Movie)

Tales of terror on the highway to hell

[6/10 · 13 December 2010]

Back in 1997 Garris tried to get a horror anthology of the ground and as it didn't kick off turned the pilot episodes into a TV movie working with two authors (Barker and King) he's worked with before and since. A few years later he found the right combination with the infinitely better Masters of Horror series.

Quicksilver Highway involves Doc Emmett Brown (Lloyd) as Aaron Quicksilver, (a guy dressed in fetish gear that hasn't seen the sun in years) traveling America and digging up stories from its dark heart. The first story he tells is King's 'Chattering Teeth' which is woeful in the extreme. The second is Barker's 'The Body Politic' which is a far greater story but still not done particularly well here.

Chattering Teeth has virtually no element of horror to it whatsoever. A guy picks up a vaguely menacing hitchhiker but he sure ain't no Rutger Hauer. They crash the van and the toy teeth the guy was given at a road-stop start mauling the hitcher and then cut the guy free of his seat-belt. Short but pointless. But as Lloyd himself says, his stories have no moral and no point, 'they're just stories'.

Now while I haven't read 'Chattering teeth' (and have no desire to after this) I have read 'The Body Politic' and its an amazing story as are pretty much all those contained in Barker's 'Books of Blood' anthology. A classic tale of revolution where body parts rebel against the governing body. Not so good here. The voices of the hands are a bit too cute. They should be mean muthas ready to take on the world. The hand effects are pretty ordinary as well. The hands were much better on Frewer who turns in a great performance which saves this. There's also a lot of people running around clutching bloody stumps which straight away makes it better than the previous story.

Overall not great but it would have been hampered by the low budget and the fact that as it was made for a prime-time TV slot the gore was left back on the highway. The acting is good (Lloyd, Frewer) but Mick doesn't really get it right here. I was gonna give it 5/10 but the fact Clive Barker is it in when they're pumping fat from a bloated carcass raised it up a notch.

Masters of Horror: Homecoming (2005) Season 1, Episode 6

Not horror, but Joe got his message out

[6/10 · 12 December 2010]

Obviously old Mr Dante didn't like the Bush administration. He was offered a spot on the 'Masters of Horror' bandwagon and thought that a good place to vent his spleen. Probably not the best idea as there's virtually no horror to be found here.

However, not being a fan of Bush's foreign policy myself (or the imbecilic Howard that followed him to war licking his boots) I quite enjoyed this slap in the face to his politics. The line about the president actually being smart because he 'pretends to be stupid so the stupid people can understand him' brought a smile.

This is a film you'll either enjoy or loath. Its a statement of Dante's point of view and you'll either agree or disagree. Its not designed to be subtle. It was not a time for subtlety. This was made at the height of the war and statements needed to be made. If you can't make a statement using the creative medium of film then all hope is lost. I admire him for putting it out there.

As a political statement I enjoyed it, as a horror piece not so much. There wasn't enough death or chills for my liking. I kept waiting for the zombies to give up on voting and just start tearing out some entrails. They're trained soldiers after all. They could have spent some more coin on the zombie appliances as well. These guys are supposed to have been killed in battle probably shredded by road side bombs etc. I didn't see many melted faces, removed limbs or internal organs missing.

On the plus side there were some nice images, (the dessicated corpses rising from the flags), some humorous moments, solid acting by Tenney and a decent script.

The highlight came at the end. I saw another review where the removal of the woman's brains from the shot to the back of the head was questioned. This is the best bit of the film. She had to die, simply for the fact she was an annoying harlot that needed to be punished.

If your looking for horror stay away from this one. If you hate the war, check it out.

Masters of Horror: The Washingtonians (2007) Season 2, Episode 12

Decent way to kill an hour

[6/10 · 9 December 2010]

I fail to see why so many other reviewers have given this a low mark for being ridiculous. I quite like a good bit of ludicrous horror sometimes and this was a good way to spend an hour.

I can agree that the acting is woeful, the jokes poor (the ending especially) but apart from that the story is decent for a 'Masters of Horror' episode and there's some reasonable gore. One of the most frightening things is the ancient mummies that inhabit the town at the start. These old people are scary. If I was the little kid I would have run away screaming.

The plot involves some sap inheriting his Grandma's house and finding a letter in the basement that reveals Washington to be the lover of virgin meat and fairly adept at carving utensils from bone. Above mentioned mummies then try to retrieve the letter from him and eat his family for kicks.

The one disappointment I had with this film was the ending. The part where the prof shows up with the feds and they gun down the whole army of Washingtonians like the dogs they are. When I saw them open fire I was hoping for a mighty pay off. Close up shots of bodies being riddled with hot lead. No such luck. The one hope of success a film like this has is excessive gore. The scene with Jefferson getting eviscerated was good though.

Overall some nice foggy scenes, good story, reasonable direction by Mendak (although he should have taken a leaf out of Stallone's work for the final scene), a guilty way to spend an hour.

A final question...What the hell is the beheading at the start about?

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The Ultimate

[30 September 1999]

The best movie ever made.What more can I say?