notmicro Reviews

The Last Straight Man (2014)

Talk talk talk talk talk talk

[5/10 · 14 January 2021]

This movie is 90% two guys alone in the same hotel room, and boy do they talk - before sex, during sex, after sex, and when alone. And not infrequently, the talk abruptly stops a hot sexual encounter dead "mid-lay". And wow do they drink a lot of alcohol, its kind of horrifying. Some things that I learned are: 1) turn off the ringer on your mobile phone; 2) lock the damn door so that Housekeeping doesn't barge in!! and 3) Viagra works in less than 2 minutes. There is even an introductory primer included on how to prepare yourself for penetrative sex. They think of everything!

The problem with what's called a "tw0-hander" in showbiz is that it requires very deft writing and expert acting to pull off successfully. This entry has very uneven writing and acting, its kind of all over the place.

As best I can tell - and I could be wrong - the lead actor Mark Cirillo is an extremely experienced straight actor, while his counterpart Scott Sell is an extremely inexperienced gay guy. This seems kind of an odd combination, and I wonder how the film maker made this choice.

Gone, But Not Forgotten (2003)

As low-budget as it gets

[8/10 · 12 January 2021]

When hunky forest ranger Drew first walks amnesiac house-guest Mark into his home's living room, my reaction was YIKES, NO gay man would live with a room as plain as that, no matter how rural the setting.

Despite everything - the awkward script and gaping plot-holes, amateur acting, cheesy grainy camera-work, clumsy direction - I love this movie's deeply-felt compassion and heart, longing for connection and commitment - and steamy intimate love-making scenes. Towards the end of the story, there are several amusing and light twists revealing what's actually been going on with Mark, and something ironic that only Drew knew about him.

I like that both actors are actually gay here, it makes for an interesting energy. Personally I think that actor Aaron Orr is one of the naturally better-looking guys that I've seen on the screen, especially when he keeps whipping his shirt off. However this is the only feature that he ever made; after this he completely disappears. Both he and busy Matthew Montgomery have some presence on various social media.

I've been thinking that finding out how a potential boyfriend / partner reacts to both this film, and the gay masterpiece "Shelter" (2007), would be a very interesting way to test for compatibility.

Hawaii (I) (2013)

Slow, quiet, heartfelt, tender, and haunting

[9/10 · 12 January 2021]

Film maker Marco Berger has woven a magical near-perfect experience that works it's way under your skin. It's very unusual, and it took a couple of days for the subtle, hypnotic impact to sink in; I've returned to it again and again. It develops slowly and deliberately, with lots of silence, lots of looks, glances, stares. For the last 17 minutes, there is no dialog at all.

I love how their often non-verbal interaction gradually becomes increasingly physical over the summer as time goes on, touching each other's body casually for various reasons, which gets progressively erotic. When Martín smiles, he lights up the whole screen. But poor Martin becomes increasingly confused and frustrated, badly wanting to take the relationship to the next level; while cerebral Eugenio for some strange inexplicable reason isn't ready to go there - until he is confronted with what he is missing, has to deal with how he's actually feeling, and is finally prodded to act.

I get a chuckle from the brief scene where Eugenio's older brother makes a flying visit, and teases him mercilessly about a possible future scenario where he takes Martin back to Buenos Aires to live with him, gets him a construction job, and is ready with dinner when he comes home in the evening. And I think to myself "yeah actually that sounds pretty great".

My only issue with this film is that the two actors are straight. In my personal experience this gives a COMPLETELY different atmosphere than if they were gay or bi. The actors are unaffected, it kicks up the testosterone level, and amps up the level of fantasy wish-fulfillment for gay male viewers. I'm not objecting to this exactly, I think its hot; it's just that it isn't quite true to life. My prime example of this would be the legendary U.S. masterpiece "Shelter" (2007). Compare this to the recent very fun erotically-charged 17-minute short "It's Still Your Bed" (2019), where the 2 hot young gay actors deftly portray the subtle jockeying that goes on when two not-quite-openly-gay guys are thrown together, and try to figure out if a hook up is possible. I'm not saying that it's better or worse; just different.

Happiness Adjacent (2018)

Rewarding after a ROCKY start

[6/10 · 6 January 2021]

A VERY rocky start. The lead actor's role seems to have been written as a tiny gay Woody Allen clone, complete with endless, grating neurotic ramblings that normally only a paid shrink would listen to. As a viewer, you have to quickly get used to Hank's quirky delivery, the iPhone camera-work, and the endless wandering around the cruise ship. When he encounters (married closeted bi-sexual) hunky ginger Kurt, gears shift, and things start to heat up, including several surprisingly steamy sex-scenes. Then some pretty heavy drama ensues, involving compassion, heart, and emotions coming into play. In the end they've returned to port in L.A., a lot has happened in a week, and their lives are never going to be quite the same.

The Third One (2014)

My favorite kind of sandwich

[7/10 · 6 January 2021]

This is literally like watching an extended video documentary about an online hookup, from start to finish; there is no "story" or "drama" outside the personal revelations made during a lengthy conversation around the dinner-table. At the end, I was left wondering if they'd actually hook up again (in real life this usually doesn't end up happening in this type of situation) and if so, would a repeat be as successful? Might they even go on to become a happy triad?

In my experience it's very easy for a 3-way to go off-kilter as 2 of the 3 become totally absorbed in just each other, leaving the 3rd hanging. This was very carefully choreographed to avoid any suggestion of that happening; and was very much shown as considerate and intense "love-making", not just raunchy sex.

Dashing in December (2020 TV Movie)

Disappointing

[4/10 · 4 January 2021]

I was expecting to enjoy this, but sadly nothing really clicks, it never quite gets off the ground. The editing is really annoying; just when a scene starts to build up some energy, the screen abruptly goes blank for a moment, and then it's off to a new unrelated scene. The lead actors are both gay in real life (Porte is married to a guy) but they don't really set off many sparks here. 41-year-old Actor Juan Pablo Di Pace is actually quite good-looking when he's groomed and styled, but here his looks seem kinda smothered and wasted. The whole thing just feels like its going through the motions, pushing for something that isn't quite happening.

It's Still Your Bed (2019)

Yow! Raunchy fun for gay guys

[8/10 · 4 January 2021]

I personally would not recommend this to anyone but gay men; there's some pretty fun explicit raunchy stuff going on that isn't going to make much sense outside of the "community". At the same, time there is no nudity below the waist.

The testosterone level in that bedroom would be through the roof! I've been in situations vaguely like that a couple of times, and its pretty crazy. Both actors are hot young gay-guys in real life, which I think brings an interesting energy. Their subtle chemistry as they check each other out, wondering if they can negotiate a hookup, is great. One little finger covertly caressing another's can work wonders!

It would be fun if this short was expanded to feature length, as some previous gay shorts have been.

He Loves Me (2018)

Idiotic

[3/10 · 3 January 2021]

What's worse than watching paint dry? Watching 2 moderately hot young trendy gay guys endlessly wandering around deserted arid beaches, frequently naked and having pretty explicit but surprisingly un-erotic sex (including an unexpected "solo" performance), while the incredibly immature, insecure, and seriously neurotic half of the couple drones on and on endlessly about all the ways he's been trying to sabotage the relationship. With the sound off, it would be like watching a sterile nature documentary coolly observing the random sex lives of two human males. The incredibly inept film-making leaves the entire experience cold and distant - there is no attempt to involve the viewer and make them care about the characters and the outcome. It was so boring that I spent most of the time wondering where in the heck their necessary copious amounts of fresh water and food was coming from, and how on earth they were magically managing to keep a mobile phone charged in the absolute middle of nowhere! And I wonder how quickly the uber-trendy hair-styles sported by the guys are going to seriously date the look of the picture in years to come.

The Christmas Setup (2020 TV Movie)

It actually works

[8/10 · 1 January 2021]

It's improbable, but this slick, fast-paced, and very "Christmas on steroids" feature gets off the ground and ends up being a lot of very light fun. It's super-charged by the amazing chemistry of the two leads. Who knows where their LTR is by now in real life; here they are having fun working together to create a predictable "G-rated" gay romance. And actor Blake Lee's loose curly hair and beard really butch him up. Complete with a drag queen leading a holiday show, and a few chaste kisses between the guys. I found Fran Drescher's role as like the "Chairwoman of Christmas" amusing, as I've always thought of her as kind of like the world's Jewish Mother. And the role of the ubiquitous gay-guy's female BFF works very well here; so often this stock character ends up being intrusive and whiny, but here she's someone that you'd be lucky to have as a friend. Fun fact: the actor who plays the brother is also gay in real life.

Stargate Universe (2009–2011)

Just dire - sooo deserved its early death

[1/10 · 1 October 2017]

Went back to watch a borrowed DVD Set 1 for the first time recently; I made it through the 1st 3 episodes, gagging most of the way, and finally gave up. It was a good concept to start with and it could have been brilliant; then they totally wasted the opportunity. The scripts are mediocre to awful. As another reviewer states, its like a mashup of the worst parts of Battlestar Galactica and Days Of Our Lives - endlessly boring personal dramas. I CANNOT figure out who this was aimed at - young teen girl Taylor Swift fans and young teen boys addicted to video games perhaps? In retrospect I wonder why they didn't just go ahead and also work in a character that's a busty pop superstar, who could do the occasional music video in between manufactured emergencies - it wouldn't make any less sense that anything else going on.

Walk With Me (I) (2017)

Film makers too close to their subject?

[7/10 · 22 September 2017]

This is being touted sometimes as a documentary, which it absolutely is not. Its mainly just a series of fragmentary and unexplained glimpses of life in Plum Village (located in rural SW France), involving both monastic residents and temporary visitors, plus some scenes of monks and nuns traveling abroad. There isn't much dialog, and virtually no "teaching".

I kind of enjoyed it; but this was possibly ONLY because I've experienced silent Buddhist meditation retreats and thus have some idea of what's going on, and I already know who Thich Nhat Hanh is and what Plum Village is about. Viewers without any basic foreknowledge are going to be totally lost from the get-go.

Thich Nhat Hanh is of course legendary, and in the past I have enjoyed listening to recordings of a few of his Dharma talks which I find rewarding. This presentation does not provide anything remotely like that.

I think that the main thing I came away with was a reconfirmation that I'm not a likely candidate for strict monkhood!

The Brokenwood Mysteries: Over Her Dead Body (2016) Season 3, Episode 2

Liked this episode a lot

[8/10 · 11 December 2016]

Thought that the writing on this episode was way better than usual, and even the somewhat ridiculous plot-line of the suspects playing out a live game of Clue/Cluedo didn't get in the way.

I ended up watching it a couple of times, and found it just as enjoyable even when I already knew the outcome; there's a lot going on. Although I never did figure out quite what was happening during the Clue game, with people moving the weapons around etc; luckily it doesn't really matter.

Its a clever episode, and fits the quirks of the lead characters well. I get a chuckle out of how well actress Fern Sutherland plays the bemused reactions of Kristin Sims to all the nonsense swirling around her.

Ex Machina (2014)

When Real Dolls go bad...

[1/10 · 9 May 2015]

Umm, say something nice... ahhh... well... Domhnall Gleeson's American accent wasn't bad. A bunch of extremely pretentious, implausible hogwash, beautifully crafted to mainline straight into the gonads of horny young geeks without girlfriends. Its yet another litmus-test for your friends and acquaintances; you can tell a lot about a person by their reaction to this film; if they rave about it, or just find it dumb and annoying. Its getting a whole lot of positive reviews from people who really should know better, which speaks volumes about the state of film and film criticism today. I was left with one question; right at the beginning the helicopter pilot mentions something about having been flying over a private estate for 2 hours already; so is it possible for a chopper that size to carry enough fuel for a round-trip over 4 hours?? I doubt it. Such a long way for a pizza delivery! Out of curiosity, I checked out the website for the hotel in Norway where some of it was filmed, but its not very easy to navigate.

Mr Selfridge (2013–2016)

Post-moderne garbage

[2/10 · 13 December 2013]

Just awful. I forced myself though the first episode, and half-way though the second I could not take it any more. From the first moment he opens his mouth, Piven is so horribly, unrelentingly, stunningly, and embarrassingly terrible that it was like watching a never-ending massive train wreck. I would LOVE to know what the experienced British actors were saying about him behind his back, it must have been good. The direction is equally bad. Villains twirl virtual mustaches. Nothing works. The viewing public will be blithely unaware of how relentless the CGI backgrounds are in this production; the entire thing is mostly computer-generated, and looks machine-made. Very much in keeping with most future productions of this ilk, I expect.

A Woman Commands (1932)

"Paradise" cabaret number

[7/10 · 1 November 2012]

Just a comment that the segment of this film where Pola sings "Paradise" in a cabaret is available to view online, and I found it quite, quite remarkable. The image quality is very poor, and the performance is dated and stylized, but compelling none the less. Also its noticeably similar to - "inspired by"? - Marlene Dietrich's number in "Morocco" from 2 years earlier. Unfortunately at this time there is no source I am aware of for a quality version of this film, and its original elements may be too far gone for restoration.

Recommend that Pola's fans consider viewing the 2006 documentary "Pola Negri: Life is a Dream in Cinema" which was released on DVD in 2012.

Marilyn (1963)

Obscure interesting curiosity

[7/10 · 7 December 2010]

Fox released this tribute to one of the studio's greatest stars a year after her death. Its virtually unknown today; I once added a reference to it to her Wikipedia page; typically it was soon deleted by some clod, much to my amusement. I saw it several times many years ago; it used to be shown on TV on rare occasion. It contains clips from many of her films, along with some newsreel footage etc. It was interesting particularly because for many decades this was the ONLY way to see clips from the unfinished "Something's Got To Give", but even more fascinating were the costume and makeup tests she did prior to beginning filming, where she exhibits this amazing uncanny ethereal radiant beauty. She had been dieting to prepare for the film, allegedly on champagne and oysters, and it really shows. Unfortunately behind the scenes she was continuing to wreck herself on drugs and alcohol; today she would be seen as a major candidate for an "intervention" and a stint in rehab. Hopefully someday the rights-holder will at least make it available for streaming. Unfortunately the existing film elements may be badly deteriorated by now.

Poirot: Murder on the Orient Express (2010) Season 12, Episode 3

Yet another blown opportunity; wasted actors and wasted money

[3/10 · 11 September 2010]

Ghastly, incompetent screenplay by a writer who has previously butchered a number of the recent so-called "Marples"; followed by completely wretched direction by some greenhorn who makes "ham-fisted" seem like a compliment - much of the acting goes completely over the top. And the editing is pretty bad also, but that may be due to the choppy direction they were given to clean up after. Its yet another in a series of productions controlled by people who seem to really loathe Christie; possibly they get assigned to these productions against their will, and take their frustration out on it? Some of the CGI of the train running through snow-covered mountains was passable, but I was constantly distracted towards the end by all the fake snow machine-blown all over the trees and the exterior of the train.

Its yet another in a series of British "period" productions done in recent years by young production crews who have absolutely NO interest in or feel for the material; like they're just shooting another music video or commercial for McDonalds. I doubt that they can tell the difference.

Siren of Atlantis (1949)

Strictly for ardent fans of the actors

[5/10 · 21 April 2010]

Its a somewhat interesting curiosity, strictly for fans of the actors. I assume that 90% of people these days will watch it because of Montez, and they will probably be a bit confused and disappointed; "Cobra Woman" this is not! Its very much kind of a version of "She" in the Sahara, with the odd low-budget feel of an old B&W Saturday Matinée serial; but this is very adult and not for the kiddies! Its intellectual and philosophical in some ways, and the Queen plays games of chess with her victims. Unfortunately for all sorts of reasons it ends up being a disjointed mess. My feeling was that its most fatal flaw among many is that it has several excellent actors struggling to give serious performances against the odds, and needs Montez to come up to their level; unfortunately she was absolutely not up to this task.

Up in the Air (I) (2009)

Wish that I'd walked out

[1/10 · 31 January 2010]

This is one of the grimmer, unpleasant, and dehumanizing films I've seen in some time. Basically, its also an extended product-placement ad for American Airlines and Hilton Hotels, whose corporate logos are smacked in your face about every 10 minutes. Also its vaguely like the film "Koyaanisqatsi" but with actors and a story-line. I think that if the friends that I saw it with had put our heads together half-way through and done a whispered conference, we would have happily agreed to cut our losses and walk out. We wouldn't have missed much, including one of the more predictable plot "twists" in recent years.

I've been speculating on how on earth it could possibly win awards, let alone get much attention or praise. I'm guessing that - - Industry-insiders (and some reviewers) know Clooney personally and like him a lot (and they probably also know and like others involved in this production) - Like the main character, industry-insiders also spend a tremendous amount of their lives jetting around dealing with airports, accumulating air-miles which they have no time to use up, and staying in airport hotels. They probably closely identify with that part of his life.

• Adults are so incredibly desperate for movies aimed at a mature adult audience that they're grabbing anything that comes along (for example "It's Complicated") and celebrating it just because it exists.

I'd say that the fact that this film was generating major Oscar-buzz is a telling indicator of just how twisted and desperate an age we're living in. Its like the world of "Idiocracy" keeps inching a few years closer...

Poirot: Cat Among the Pigeons (2008) Season 11, Episode 2

Comes off well despite tinkering

[7/10 · 8 January 2010]

Screen adaptations of Christie's books usually play fast and loose with the original story and plot, with varying degrees of success. I always marvel at the audacity and hubris of producers and adapters confident that THEY know how to tell a story better than Christie herself, what a laugh - where is THEIR record of sales topped only by the Bible? In recent years they've been going kind of wild with very ambitious, high-gloss productions of Poirot, the results of which have been uneven to say the least, from "Five Little Pigs" (sublime) to "Sad Cypress" (hmmm) to "Taken at the Flood" (a vile wretched grade-Z trainwreck, and criminal waste of talented actors).

This one manages to come off fairly well, although there is considerable tinkering with the original story. The camera-work makes heavy use of diffusion filters throughout, giving the effect of the entire story taking place in a kind of a dreamy beige fairy-tale haze.

The lead Harriet Walter is an actress whom I respect, and who in the past I have repeatedly tried and failed to warm up to. Here she is less guarded and unusually accessible, and does an excellent job, in spite of the bizarre "period" hair and makeup inflicted on her.

My French isn't very good, but it seemed to me that the script had Poirot (and Mlle Blanche) using expressions that would never come out of the mouth of a native speaker. Also I had the English subtitles on while I watched the DVD, and there were some hilarious mistakes in the French, for example "pas du tout" showed up as "pas do tout", "oui, bien sûr" as "oui, bien, sure", and "Je vous en prie" showed up as - I swear! - "je vous emprie"!! I was in stitches and wondering what next, were they going to render "oui" as "wee" or something? Maybe it was done by computer voice-recognition software? Good lord, hire somebody who has a clue, or have someone competent copy-edit it.

BBC2 Play of the Week: She Fell Among Thieves (1978) Season 1, Episode 17

Harmless bit of period fluff

[6/10 · 3 May 2009]

Nothing serious here; this is strictly a harmless and amusing British period costume "romp" through castles and countryside of 1920s France. A very considerable amount of time is spent watching 3 classic Rolls-Royces zipping around on mountain roads. The story is extremely simple, the characters black-and-white; a handsome unattached young man and his manservant (in Rolls Royce #1), a white-gowned damsel in distress in a castle, and a totally evil villainess and her henchpersons (in Rolls Royce #2) up to no good creating an ever-rising body-count. The Foreign Office comes to the rescue (in Rolls Royce #3) and the outcome is never in doubt. The acting, such as it is, is pretty stiff and perfunctory, and the whole thing feels rather cartoon-like. The villainess (and a female accomplice) sport huge globs of black eye makeup which look quite literally like they were troweled on with black shoe polish. Her castle is actually kind of interesting, and the filming (its all done in color 16mm and the picture is decent if grainy) appears to be done on location, and I kept wondering where it was. The tall picturesque castle has a dry moat, a bridge, and a portcullis which comes into play several times, either keeping people in or out, and in one case it graphically kills a bad guy.

This will probably be of interest only to fans of the lead actors, particularly the formidable Eileen Atkins of course. And to fans of 1970's BBC TV mysteries, whose numbers are presumably dwindling.

Angels Fall (2007 TV Movie)

Hack job

[3/10 · 21 March 2009]

What a bunch of incompetent idiots. They hire Locklear, and photograph her so that she ends up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. They hire aging uber-hunk Schaech, show him ripping off his shirt in steamy scenes, and then don't show his chest. Who knows, maybe Locklear was having a bad-face day, and Schaech was having a bad-chest day.

I felt sorry for the actors having to grind their way through this stuff; I guess its an indication of how difficult it is for them to find decent roles. The story is unusually dumb, and does a disservice to people with serious mental problems who have been helped by some of the procedures depicted.

The Wives He Forgot (2006 TV Movie)

Harmless fun

[5/10 · 22 February 2009]

I'll second, third, or whatever the notion that this thing is amusing to watch just for Ringwald's performance; having a "real" movie actress in one of these formulaic vehicles kicks it up several notches. But in addition the whole thing is kind of a subversive self-parody of this genre that doesn't take itself too seriously, with some "knowing winks" thrown in by the writer. For example at one point when they are home for the evening, lawyer Ringwald's way-too-good-to-be-true "house boyfriend/client" says something improbable like "shall we see what's on Lifetime" and she comes back with something like "no I've got to work". There are a lot of courtroom scenes where Ringwald is an amusingly klutzy defense lawyer, including scenes with the "evil queen" prosecutor where the jury is comically sympathetic to over-emoting prosecution witnesses; its a bit like a low-rent "Legally Blonde" at times.

Midsomer Murders: Ghosts of Christmas Past (2004) Season 7, Episode 7

Christmas in the crumbling manor house

[6/10 · 23 December 2008]

I delayed watching this episode on DVD until just before Christmas, and was glad I did. Its amusing but fairly tepid, and the acting isn't bad. There is a particularly well-written part played quite cleverly by a young boy. Despite the usual red herrings, it was rather easy to guess early on whodunit, and generally why; however I was relieved that, for a change, at least it wasn't another psycho killer! Its a bit Agatha Christie-like, as relatives gather at the old family manse -- servant-less and crumbling away -- for a forced and increasingly tense attempt at celebrating the holiday, as things begin to go ominously wrong.

Bluebeard's Eighth Wife (1938)

Ham-fisted Lubitsch

[5/10 · 19 April 2008]

Very interesting failure. Everything is top-notch - writers, director, cast - and nothing works. What should have been a witty and sparkling adult comedy comes off like a mouthful of cardboard. Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert are like oil and water. The dialog feels arch and stage-bound, and the situations totally false and contrived, possibly because the adults seem to be behaving like 10-year-olds. Its a late 30's film, but feels oddly very early 30's and somehow dated, like a dusted-off version of "Trouble in Paradise". Compares unfavorably with Colbert's next film, the scintillating "Midnight", one of her more amazing roles.