secrective Reviews

Godzilla Minus One (2023)

movie sympathizes with suicide kamikaze pilots of ww2 and steals ending from independence day film

[3/10 · 5 January 2024]

Sure it may be better than the awful american godzilla films. But it doesnt hold a candle to SHIN GODZILLA or many of the older TOHO godzilla films, even godzilla 2000 is better than this.

Major issues with this film including:

1. Sympathizing with kamikaze pilots. Meaning this is a pro-imperial japan film. What the !@#$ ?

2. dialog feels like a modern american soap opera not typical japanese cultural/period dialog. A woman berating a man for not doing his suicide pilot mission? What?

3. godzilla now has nothing to do with japan thinking that they can tame nature or nuclear power. Now godzilla is just 100% american's fault for nuclear bomb testing. The entire anti-nuclear-power message is gone and the movie loses its message and power. No doubt this is the japan govt and tepco censoring godzilla after the disaster that is the 2011 fukushima nuclear power meltdown.

4. godzilla is not tied to japan and is just a sea lizard that can go anywhere.

5. feels like a remake of godzilla 1998. If godzilla has no attachment to japan, why does it attack japan? Godzilla in this film loses its soul and motive.

In addition, the film's pacing is slow, slower than the pacing for a regular godzilla film. The runtime is long , and the screentime of godzilla is short.

On the plus side, what little action there is in the picture is fine. Godzilla looks ok , and there are some good cgi destruction sequences involved.

As for the ending, wheres randy quaid shouting "i'm back" as he flies into the alien mothership laser beam? Hah.

The Creator (2023)

absolute garbage except for the sfx which looked nice.

[2/10 · 27 October 2023]

Maybe this film could have been saved with a better editor? The soundtrack is really not engaging either. There are so many scenes with characters just staring at each other waiting for the plot to happen.

30 minutes of unneeded flashbacks.

40 minutes of the similar scenes over and over again. We get it. Main character runs from town to town as the bad guys bomb each town and main character gets away. But why repeat this 4-6 times? I think its due to Gareth's writing. He doesnt know how to advance the plot unless people are moving from point a to point b. This is the same problem he had with his "monsters" film. "monsters" 2010 was more of a demo reel than an actual film with plot.

Speaking of bad guys, why did they bother looking for nimata the ai creator guy if they were just going to bomb all of the ai cities anyway? What was the point of the first 1hr 45 minutes if they were just going to attack everything anyway ?

Whats the significance of destroying the nomad ship if they can just send smaller ships (and huge ass tanks) any time they want anyways?

2/10 because the film looked nice.

Why Me? (1990)

a fun film with lloyd and lambert.

[7/10 · 15 September 2023]

Ok its stupid. We know its stupid. But its not stupid stupid but funny stupid. Very similar to Into the Night (1985)! Someone stole some diamonds and now everyone is chasing around.

Sure theres some plot holes and nonsensical stuff but wow. All the actors give it their all. Bananas. Bonkers. Ok its a bit silly. But it works if you are in the mood for a dumb movie. Turn your brain off kind of deal.

Film kind of reminds me of hudson hawk. Its just so completely confusing and you wonder how it got made. Racism? Stereotyping? You bet! But what does it all mean?

Lloyd is great, lambert is great. Give it a watch but know what you are getting into before hand!

The Machine (I) (2023)

burt is the worst part of this film

[1/10 · 4 September 2023]

Actors, budget, sets, cinematography is all good. But burt is awful. His character whines, cries, whines some more, cries some more, is weak and pathetic. Oh no i'm only 10 minutes into this film and it feels like an hour already.

Ok so the human soap opera drama isnt funny. Maybe burt will be funny doing one liners or jokes. Oh he cant slap challenge because he has a crown on his tooth. Ok. Just more burt being pathetic. And yelling doesnt equal comedy, burt.

Then we get to the flashbacks because you cant write a 10 minute standup routine into a TWO HOUR FILM.

Story bad, flashbacks bad, burt bad, comedy bad. Hey look its mark hamill. Iva babic is also great.

I hope the studio enjoyed losing money on this floater. Never make a movie out of an snl skit or a viral video. 1/10 because rest of cast is fine.

Bird Box: Barcelona (2023)

dumb characters kill survival film enjoyment

[1/10 · 4 September 2023]

I dont understand. When you write a bad main character that the audience cant relate or understand or sympathize with , it makes the audience dislike the film.

Why would you do this? Big budget, good acting, good sets, good cinematography, good actors. And then... piss it all away with a bad script ?

Its not fun as a zombie/alien invasion film. Its not fun as a survival film. Its not fun to watch the characters. The film doesnt show the creatures so theres no fun in that either. Then the entire film is whispering so theres no witty dialog or fun soundtrack.

This is one of those films that kids watch while they are playing on their phones and then look up at for two seconds when a loud noise happens. Worthless 0/10.

Cell (I) (2016)

one of the best zombie films in the last 10 years

[7/10 · 4 September 2023]

Cusack and sam jackson are top of their game in this fun zombie romp. A nice cameo by stacy keach. Some new inventive cell phone zombie rules spice up a fairly standard zombie survival film. Band together, get out, stay safe ! I didnt read the book but i've seen other S. King films like MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (also a buttload of fun).

I rather liked the ending to this film. Or should i say two endings. If you like one of the endings then just end the movie there. If you want it to end the other way, well its got both!

Make this a double feature with the great PONTYPOOL zombie movie, sit back and enjoy!

The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck (1988)

looking for a jungle adventure film

[7/10 · 28 July 2023]

I stumbled upon this strange film and bit. David keith doing a good anti-hero. Kathy shower's husband in the film is the most annoying thing. Everyone is painted brown. Sure its just an indiana jones / crocodile dundee / romancing the stone ripoff with a playboy bunny.

But! It keeps you guessing. That ending! It may seem to be a stupid ending (it is) but wow it surprised me. And no happy ending? It just ends there?

Witch doctors, cannibals, rampaging elephants, spear chucking, spear catching! Poison arrows. Sucking out the poison haha. Said another way, this film has some fun.

But even after all of that, we're left with an incomplete picture. To truly enjoy this we need the uncut version to be released.

Invincible: Atom Eve (2023 TV Movie)

Same quality everything... but the writing.

[6/10 · 23 July 2023]

Interesting seeing the backstory of Eve. Although it annoys me that she can manipulate objects down to the atomic scale and yet her usefulness in fights seems so weak.

Compare her fights and her abilities in this prequel special and then watch invincible again. Eve could've ended multiple fights in the tv show in a split second by changing the atoms in whatever bad guy's weapons. Instead she shoots weak force fields. What happened to her changing cloth ski masks into metal? She throws a pink force spear? Wat?

Also kind of annoying that the only nemesis for a superhero is the exact same but evil reverse of the superhero. Aka the bizzaro superman phenomenon. Eve has to defeat people who have the power to transform the atoms within themselves! Dun dun dun!

15 Minutes of Shame (2021)

"People are still mean to me because I alone wasted multi millions of tax payer dollars in the 90s" The Movie

[1/10 · 12 October 2021]

Theres an important issue with online hatred and harassment but this isnt the documentary to explore that issue. Monica selling herself over and over and over again. And over and over and over again. How many books? How many films now? Playing the victim while cashing the check.

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

why would you give a robot slave an apartment and a girlfriend?

[1/10 · 17 November 2017]

i'm reviewing this film on its own merits, not comparing to the first film at all.

I do not get it. If you are building robots to do jobs that humans do not want to do, or like Wallace says, expanding civilization on the backs of slaves... why would you give them the ability to drink alcohol and have girlfriends? it makes about as much sense as a welding robot that drinks and lives in the suburbs and commutes to work. what ? i'm supposed to connect to a robot protagonist. but why ? K is a bad character. K kills off innocent robots who are not doing anything wrong except existing. K is the bad guy, doing bad guy work.

explain to me how you can walk into a police department , kill the coroner, steal robot bones, leave, come back and kill the police captain, and get away with all of this? as Wallace's hench girl does.

i was not impressed by the cinematography. instead of a real world it just feels like a few foggy sets. too many closeups of detective K.

Hans zimmer just needs to stop. whoever is mixing films with his music turned to loud volumes while all of the characters whisper, it is getting annoying and tedious.

riveting dialog. extremely quotable lines that one will remember for a generation. such as "what is that smell?" "garlic, you want some" "no". or "where is he?".

acting i thought was passable. gosling was fine, robot girlfriend good, hench girl had a bit of bite, leto was cut again from the film and only had one scene? even ford does better in this film than his last decade of work, although probably because he only has a few minutes of screen time.

plot / pacing? no plot to speak of. a detective is sent on a job, and an old man is reunited with his daughter. i felt like there was no urgency or tension at all. the blackout they constantly talk about sounded more interesting than this whole film. plot problems are possibly due to the filmmakers splitting up the film and putting clips out as marketing instead of part of the film???? pacing didn't bother me although i understand the frustration some people have with the lingering shots. there are a lot of lingering meandering shots.

characters? none to speak of with no emotions at all. all characters are robots except deckard and the police captain and Wallace, who get about 20 minutes screen time combined. WALL-E had more emotion! and that was a kids film! the only emotional part of this film came when they played a clip from the 1982 blade runner. which made ford's character cry. if your only emotional scene is playing a clip from a previous film i think its time to quit.

as a sequel its 0/10 for me. about as worthless as the "happy ending" ending to the first film. maybe it will be saved by editing later with a final cut? one can only hope. there are many unanswered questions in the film , the unanswered questions do not affect my rating. if they ever make a sequel to this, i hope they do not answer the questions because i'm afraid ridley Scott would just make up terrible answers as he did with Prometheus and alien covenant.

one interesting thing this movie made me think about is if deckard is a replicant then i will stop liking blade runner 1982. because those scenes of him eating and drinking would annoy me to no end. robots do not need to eat food.

Save the Green Planet! (2003)

the first torture porn film?

[1/10 · 11 May 2012]

why are people saying this is a good film? its not a film at all.

its just torture porn with a threadbare plot.

please please don't waste your money on this crap.

steal a copy if you really want to see it.

then when you are done watching it, break the DVD so it cant be watched again.

there are so many other better korean films.

memories of murder, the host, thirst, the host etc etc.

if you want to see gritty gory stuff, check out i saw the devil or the chaser.

wayyyyyyyyyy better in every respect.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2012)

Boring, dull, dull, dull, lacking humor. Not like Wallace and Gromit at all!

[6/10 · 1 May 2012]

The Pirate Captain is a pirate. But he never actually kills, steals or plunders.

Despite how many times they mention sea shanties in the film, they never actually sing one! It feels like they cut out a lot from this, but at an hour and 30 minutes it already drags quite a bit. The third act you see coming a mile away and i just wished it had ended when he first wins the pirate award.

Unfortunately the film was made for 3d. Which means gone are the amazing camera and visuals we've seen in 'the wrong trousers' and 'close shave'. Replaced instead with ... pies to the face and swords pointed to the camera, and even some googley eyes for good measure. The henchmonkey chase is pretty great however.

The pop soundtrack is so uninspired , yes they are going to London, no, you don't need to play 'london calling'. Why do movies feel the need to use songs as exposition.

The other captains looked more interesting. None of the secondary characters had much to do. Cookie-cutter by the numbers plot. Absolutely zero danger or suspense in the whole film until the ending. Some of the dialog was just exposition, very strange, for example "i'm being smashed by barrels of vinegar!".

On the pro side, the animation is fantastic. Some sight gags to chuckle at. Actors and actresses are all great, including the female pirate dressed up as a man. The non-speaking chimp stole the show as soon as he was introduced.

I love pirate films and Aardman Animation, but this just bored me. Maybe it works for young kids?

The Trail (1983)

Easily a Top 10 Chinese Horror Film.

[10/10 · 22 April 2012]

A busy bustling town shuts down instantly. Vendors and shoppers run back to their houses. Children are carried back home in a rush. The main street is empty. Is this a Western? Has the villain just walked into town? No! It is a group of corpses.

A big genre mix of a movie. It has something for everyone! Chinese vampire/zombie, revenge, road movie, horror-comedy, Think of it as the PREDATOR movie. Instead of army dudes, you have Chinese taoist priest and his crew of fake Chinese vampires. Instead of a secret mission to kill bad guys in the jungle, you have a secret mission to smuggle opium. Instead of the PREDATOR hunting our heroes, you have a REAL Chinese zombie/vampire.

This movie heads straight into the action, no exposition at all. If you don't know about Chinese vampires or taoist priests and the like, you will be confused.

Ranks up there with Close Encounters of the Spooky Kind, Spooky Spooky, Ultimate Vampire, Mr Vampire, amongst others.

Be sure to enjoy THE THING soundtrack tacked onto this. Ennio Morricone scores work with any film wonderfully.

Paradise Murdered (2007)

korean mystery keeps you guessing til the end!

[8/10 · 14 December 2011]

wow. well, where to start? i'm not going to explain the plot or movie because it might ruin the twists and turns this movie takes you on.

Paradise Murdered starts off on a small island community of people and workers in south Korea. someone turns up murdered and some detectives have been sent in to figure out just what the hell happened.

a very claustrophobic thriller, is it a north korean spy? a curse placed on the island? a ghost coming for revenge or a simple fight over some gambling debt? korean cinema has really knocked out some great films like 'memories of murder' and 'the good the bad and the weird' and 'the chaser' and 'i saw the devil' and 'the host' and this is no exception.

Vicious Lips (1986)

do you like space rock operas? yes? this movie is for you!

[9/10 · 12 May 2011]

Well Well Well. what a juicy 80s movie. kickin soundtrack, actings alright.

ITS AN ALL GIRL BAND MOVIE, going to a gig, in outer space.

The songs are pretty damn catchy. they are frequent within the soundtrack.

What more do you want from a movie? Why isn't this (and all Albert pyun movies) on the syfy channel? seriously underrated and under watched.

i recommend other pyun movies too.

a space Alice in wonderland. if Alice was in a band.

sfx are good. some cool looking monsters and puppetry.

hair is 80s. some neon showing here and there.

if you like this sort of thing, 'bad channels' and 'critters' make great 80s music/space movies.

Slacker Uprising (2007)

moore's "new" movie is repetitive, moore's "new" movie is repetitive

[1/10 · 26 September 2008]

i heard that michael moore had a new movie out, and that it was available on the internet. so i downloaded and watched it for free.

i am a fan of his movies and love his other documentaries including his tour documentary "The Big One". "The Big One" was very well produced and included interviews with people who had lost their jobs. radio show interviews, moore talking with corporations and lots of footage of moore running around signing books.

sorry to say, but this movie is just poorly edited. there is at least 20 minutes of applause footage. short clips of moore giving speeches, a few celebrity interviews. some footage of moore traveling and going to call centers. opposite of his other films, there is very little outside footage.

most of the movie turned out to be: short speech - applause - short speech - applause - speech - etc.

don't waste your time with this movie. watch 'the big one' or 'canadian bacon' instead. or 'roger and me' if you want to see moore in action, and not just giving speeches.

Mosaic (2007 Video)

Stan Lee rips' off Mighty Max?

[6/10 · 20 January 2007]

The story seems good enough. Daughter of an Interpol agent gets tangled up with mysterious ancient relic, which then gives her comic book hero powers. The characters are well developed and likable. The pacing is good and really does feel similar to an episode of 'Mighty Max'.

The writing is clichéd. There aren't any big twists, save for one minor one near the end. The ending is abrupt, and predictable.

Animation is decent enough. A bit like the current warner brothers cartoons, except with a higher budget and more detailed animation.

Its kid friendly with no swearing and only has some violence (neck snap of one security guard).

If you are lacking good Saturday Morning Cartoons and need a fix, this will do. Otherwise skip it.

No Mercy for the Rude (2006)

No Mercy for the Rude

[7/10 · 28 October 2006]

No Mercy for the Rude is a smart jog into the hired killer genre. About a man who wants to pay for an operation to fix his inability to talk. He makes a rule that he will only kill the rude, only the scumbags, until he makes $100,000.

Narrated from the perspective of a mute, we follow him as he deals with his work and non-work life. This movie can be enjoyed in any language, as the violence is universal. The main character is mute almost all of the entire movie, but his inter-monologue is better than everyone else's dialog. 'Ballet' and the other killers are very likable and work well within the story.

Overall it was well directed, good editing, some great bits of comedy and a nice touch of drama. Other reviewers have said its like a Quentin Tarantino movie, and i would agree that it is of similar style and substance.

7.5/10

The Crazy Family (1984)

wow. edge of my seat.

[10/10 · 10 August 2006]

imagine if you will, a normal family with 2 kids that moves into a new house. now imagine the stress of this new house has driven one or more of them insane. after watching this movie i still do not know how many of them were actually crazy.

a black comedy from japan circa 1984, A Crazy Family is one heck of a good movie to catch. the pacing, camera work, plot, characters, location, and soundtrack are all top notch.

a real mind f#$% of a movie. showing the audience just how close anyone can come to going crazy. each character is well written and has a great personality. one scene with grandpa and the daughter was great, i cant believe the director said such things about world war 2. frightening and exciting at the same time.

after watching this and sogo ishii's other movie 'electric dragon 80000v', i really must watch the rest of his films.

To kako (2005)

Greek zombie movie plays by the rules!

[7/10 · 9 August 2006]

Opening scene is a few guys exploring a cave, someone hears something then blam! back to present time... split shots between the previous people in the cave as they are seen in a dance club, at a football/soccer game , and eating dinner with family.

then the fun starts, each one turns into a zombie and starts eating people. the scene on TV of the football/soccer game felt VERY realistic. each person the original guys bite, turns into a zombie, and so on and so forth. our first character is eating dinner with her dad (one of the guys in the cave). at the table, out of nowhere he starts coughing and soon hes biting his wife! the daughter runs to the neighbors apartment and asks for help. now we meet the second character. both girls then start to run for their lives! VERY good gore in the zombie kills and human eating. some funny parts in the movie too. Evil (to kako) does not add anything to the zombie mythos, but offers instead a well done romp against the undead in athens. the zombies in this movie are fast and slow at the same time... some can jump, some are slow. not super-fast like 28 days , but not slow and lumbering like night of the living dead.

good soundtrack and tight camera work makes this genre feel new again and creates a fast paced zombie thriller.

Day Watch (2006)

Scifi Lives Again!

[8/10 · 16 March 2006]

finally a good scifi movie! its been so long since the last (unless you count serenity). day watch is the very good sequel to night watch and continues the battle of light and dark. the special effects and stunts in this one are amazing! hopefully the third movie will be as good as the first two and finish the plot and get anton back with yegor on the light side.

anyways, you will enjoy this movie if you like scifi action and drama. i wouldn't compare this to the matrix at all. maybe a comparison to the constantine movie or 'good vs evil' TV show makes more sense. also don't be afraid of the 'vampire' part of the movie, not a lot of time is spent on this and its not horrible like the last bunch of bad vampire movies.

remember to watch night watch before this as it has some good character development, and is a good movie on its own.

plot - 7/10, characters - 8/10, sfx - 9/10, dialog - 7/10, direction - 9/10.

Ultraviolet (2006)

wow, one of the worst milla movies yet!

[1/10 · 14 March 2006]

so this movie is a prequel to Equilibrium? so you thought milla was wooden in the messenger? or resident evil (i actually like re2 better)? you haven't seen anything yet! even Equilibrium was semi entertaining, being a fahrenheit 451 ripoff. but this movie is just utter crap! i love comics and to a lesser extent the crappy comic book movies, but this movie is worse than fantastic four! its worse than the Hulk movie! stay away from this movie unless you like the bad milla acting. i was hoping to see a fifth element sequel or continuation of the characters/universe, but i wouldn't dare wish for it now. with the quality of acting that ms jovovich is showing in the last few movies, i fear that she will never return to good movies.

Nick Chinlund was great in chronicles of riddick, but here he plays the generic evil comic bad guy. there are lots of plot holes and horrifying dialog. and don't even think about the stupid ass vampire teeth the actors have to wear. it looks like they are all wearing mouthguards! if you are looking for a better comic book vampire movie try blade or its sequels.

Surplus: Terrorized Into Being Consumers (2003)

good looking documentary with little substance!

[2/10 · 1 March 2006]

a movie about consumerism. not much irony. this movie plays pretty blandly with only one or two narrators, cut between multiple videos of seemingly random things about consumerism.

the main narrator even says that protesting gets no notice until it gets to be a violent protest. anyways this is boring and definitely looks more like a music video. if you liked the music video look, which is cut up audio and video, especially using those sound effects from the videos. i recommend the "Coldcut & Hexstatic - Timber" video, which is 100x better than this movie.

it is interesting how they show a small segment of Cuba wherein a lady shows us her ration card. and another girl who had visited London recounts her awe at seeing a supermarket. some of the movie is cut into car factories, computer exercise training, ship dismantling in India, and other random videos. but then there is no afterthought or commentary on it.

in short, if you are looking for a good anti-consumerism movie, avoid this.

The Ladykillers (2004)

this movie sucked.

[1/10 · 1 September 2004]

Don't dare give this one a try. It's nothing like the original, it is NOT a comedy, save for about 3 small laughs. The coen brothers really dropped this bomb... Hanks is crap and annoying. Stephen root has a small laugh and about 3 lines of dialogue. Shaun wayans gets a laugh or two. The homeowner is annoying and does nothing in this movie but take up film, i want 1hour 44mins of my life back. Do yourself a favor and take a look at http://imdb.com/title/tt0105573/ (There Goes the Neighborhood (1992)) instead, even as bad as that movie is, its better than this.

This is a bomb of epic scale. I cant believe it has such a high rating. Avoid at ALL COSTS!

Game Over (2004)

Game Over man, it's cancelled!

[9 April 2004]

damn. finally a cg series with great animation, great writing, and great voice acting (cant even tell its lucy liu!!). the last bunch of cg animation has been crap , things like Max Steel, Starship Troopers:Roughnecks, only Reboot had amazing cg. now its over, cancelled. 6 episodes made, 5 aired, good work upn. worse than the handling of THE TICK!

ah well, pack up and try again, the tick was great, (made by the same guys that did game over), i'm sure they can do it again! dont let all these neilson people get to you.

i dont understand why upn moved it from wednesdays to fridays. its not the way to keep viewers. thats how tv stations screwed the schedule on futurama, family guy, the tick, and countless other shows.

from neilsen's website "For our national ratings estimates, we use a sample of more than 5,000 households, containing over 13,000 people who have agreed to participate." so 13000 people decide what 220million people get to watch (and even more when you think how much us tv goes overseas). good work. according to neilsen, Game Over had 2 million viewers.