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The Predator (2018)
Makes Scfi Channel stuff look good
I think this movie was made by the Asylum for Scifi Channel and it did cost 3 million dollars max. The marketing cost 67 million and the rest was used to by coke and hookers. This movie completes the line: Birdemic, The Room, Predator 2018...
Nemesis 5: The New Model (2017)
Why?
Just imagine as a bunch of kids you watched Nemesis 1 or 2 and think that you want to be like that and as a 8 year old you pretend to be in such a movie. As props you use plastic toy laser guns and such. And you just play around.
Well, that is this movie! No effort was put in this and to sell this they named it Nemesis 5 to pretend it has something to do with the original movie.
This is just slightly better then Birdemic but only just. Avoid at all cost!
Robot Jox (1989)
Power Rangers meet the 80's
Let's start off the the only good thing about this movie: some of the stop-motion mech parts are really good. The starting fight is a a big let down, the last duel is really good. The way the robot climbs out of the pit and moves it's body parts is great!
The story is that after WW3 the 2 superpowers now fight for the right to use states by gladiators driving huge robots. The winning side can use the resources of for instance Alaska for a while. The Russians have a bad ass robot and pilot and the USA has well, a much lesser bad-ass pilot. The Russians also have a spy that informs the Russians about new weapons that the USA develops. During a duel the Russian pilot lauches a fist and the USA robot shield the public from this fist but it falls down crushing a lot of people. Now the pilot wants to quit.
Now for all the bad stuff. It's a low budget movie and it shows! Just check out the room our hero lives in or the looks of the hovercar. The acting is bad and some parts of the story are atrocious. Some of the other bad parts:
- the Jox in training rather look lie a bunch of background dancers who are going to do a video for Jermaine Jackson and Pia Zadora...
I understand people like the idea of giant mechs duelling and that this movie is one of the few offering that, I cannot understand the 8/9/10 point ratings looking at the to a point comical bad fights and a bunch of pantsies piloting the robots. Or the bad, bad acting and while this is a 1990 movie, it looks like a 1980 version of the Power Rangers. So unless you like mech moves, avoid this one.
Terminator II (1989)
Schockingly bad
This movie starts with the same scene as in Aliens when the Marines awake and dress themselves. The movie follows the same storyline as Aliens with some changes until half of the movie. We got copies of the evil company, Marines, Ripley and even the surviving girl is there. Only the andriod that in Aliens was friendly, is replaced by the version in Alien but he does the same stuff as the guy the company sends along who locks Ripley and the girl in a room with an alien. Ow, this also happens in this movie. Only it's not set out in space but in Venice where the water was so polluted it became toxic and people started to mutate.
The monsters are really laughable, moving around like senior citizens yet being able to sneak up unto people. It's like they just walk up to the soldiers of the Megaforce and manage to kill them off.
Then all of the sudden the andriod starts to act like the T-800 from Terminator 2 and the movie changes to Terminator 2 entirely and they finish the movie in an epicly bad way. That part I will not spoil so watch this turd in screen and be amazed!
Russian Terminator (1989)
No idea what was going on
So this movie starts with a Kenny Rodgers impersonator who is forced to take a job to rescue the daughter of some rich guy. At his home he and his wife are attacked by a ninja who is out to get info on the job. The ninja lets them live and escapes. Now there is another plot involving a kidnapped guy and some spies. At least I think they are spies because the female spy is dressed as a spy from Spy vs. Spy with a black had and all. The ninja is all over the place attacking everyone and stuff happens. Not sure what because the story was so bad, just like the acting. But there were people shooting and a Russian ninja that is all you need!
Evil Dead (2013)
Bigger budget, smaller effort
This week I rewatched the original Evil Dead. I like it but I am not the biggest fan of that movie. Last night I came home late and turned on the TV to see the 2013 version. It's a total mess.
Acting is bad, CGI is bad for a 2013 movie. The CGI seemed to be pulled out of a PS4 or something. It was no real horror story, just a reshoot of the original with lots of gare, a few minor scares and a whole load of stupidity. Yeah the story is one pile up of stupid actions take by the characters. And the movie was almost unwatchable because everything was filmed so darkly. It was like they tried to hide the cheapness of it all. It's clear that the supposed 14 million budget is not used for filming but for a marketing campaign with trailers and positive reviews on film sites.
This movie takes itself too seriously and the gore is overdone. It's like they just tried to shock people with gore and more gore. If you like that, this movies is for you. If you want to see horror, this movie is to be avoided. It uses much of the original movie as a template but they changed some things to make it more serious like the rehab part of why they went to the cabin in the first place. The original was not that serious and that worked much better.
Astro-Zombies (1968)
Filler the movie
The movie is about scientists trying to use radiowaves to control a brain of some one located in space with some one else his brain located on earth. This to make possible long travels in space. Why not go for a robot? Well, because that would be the simple way of course! We follow 3 groups of people, 1. the scientists and FBI/CIA, 2. a mad scientist and his hunchback help, 3. a group of foreign spies.
The mad scientist already has a working astro zombie and the zombie goes on a killing spree. This is because the donor is an evil killer who is hard to control. Not only he managed to get an astro zombie, but also created a liquid that makes the zombie invurnerable. The spies figure an army of them would make their country unbeatable so they set out to find the lab. The FBI/CIA in the meanwhile is trying to stop the spies and the killing astro zombie.
Sounds fine for a B-movie does it, but this one just isn't. This movie is beyond boring and almost half of it is filler/padding to get the running time up to 91 minutes. In those days a movie has to be 91 minutes to get air time so what do you do when after 50 minutes you end up with ideas? You fill up the movie! The Feds go into a bar where an exotic dancer is dancing so we are treated with 5 minutes of her dancing. The spies driving thru the city to locate the lab: we are treated with side shots of the car and a shot of the car driving thru a pool of mud and the camera sticks with the mid for a while. The lab assistant of the mad scientist walks around the lab with a flask, puts it down, pics it up again. But the worst part is the mad scientist explaining and experimenting half this movie doing pointless, boring stuff we are forced to sit through. The police arrive and we are treated with minutes of them driving and parking, then after being parked driving and parking again.
Some B-movie stuff is the girls in their underwear and the astro zombie sneaking up on people in the most stupid ways. The title is also misleading as there is only one zombie and only at the end there is another one who get 1 minute of screen time. Mrs. Satana is looking really attractive so I give her 2 stars, the exact number of her 2 redeeming qualities.
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)
Uninteresting pile of garbage
So after the previous Transformer movies we could expect the worst here but for some reason we got sucked in again. This time because of the promise of Dinobots, and be honest, who doesn't think the Dinobots are cool?! What a disappointment this whole movie became! The story is very unbelievable and although there are metallic robotic dino's, they were just dino's and not saying "Me Grimlock". It becomes very obvious this is all product placement and pandering up to audiences in China. And worse, a large portion of the movie us a discussion about underage sex and trying to normalize it. Why? We want to see an action movie with dinorobot's and not some sexual fantasies from the director. Also the end is completely unbelievable: the evil robot owns Optimus and the other Autobots but then 3 humans step in and kick the robot's ass. I mean come on, I understand they need to shoehorn humans in but like this? No way! This is one of the few movies I played with my smartphone for a long time because I was bored out of my mind so avoid this one!
Without Warning (1980)
Predator 0.5 beta
I re-watched this movie recently because it made a great impression on me back in the days. It predates Predator but is very similar in story: an alien hunter comes to earth to bag him some humans. The movie starts off with the alien going to work quickly bagging him two hunters and a boy scout leader. The boy scouts also see the alien and run away screaming. Here the low budget and B status show, the kids clearly are not screaming but they dubbed the screams and errrr, overdoing it somewhat. Also 4 young adults want to go swim in a lake in the mountains. On their way they need to gas up the van and they meet Sarge, a veteran who does not need character development: he is clearly psyched. In the toilet the youths see a line written on the wall, check the movie because it will be revealed later on what it means. Also the gas station owner is a hunter and the youths are looking at the dead animals hanging on the walls. This is also a link to what the alien is doing because it does not take long for 2 of the kids being bagged and the other 2 go look for them, finding a shed in the woods. Then the alien tries to bag them too but they manage to escape in the van after the obligatory "it does not start" scenes. They flee to a bar were Sarge and some other people hang out and they inform the police. Here some more standard B movie stuff happens, like the electricity falling out at the same time the sheriff walks in while the Sarge is wielding a gun to go hunt for the alien. Also the standard stuff happens when the 2 youths find a vacation house to hide in and the alien comes to visit there too. The final scene also shows the B part, the acting is a little cheesy and the situation is not too believable since the alien seems to be like a scarecrow just standing around. But there is a lot of suspense in this movie and the concept of an alien hunting people using the flying meat discs from Star Trek is also cool. So go watch this movie as it's one of the better B SF horror movies from around that time.
Mother! (2017)
After Earth part II
Hmmm thinks Darren Aronofsky, what do I do to promote my girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence since she is not getting big roles anymore??? Eureka! I just throw together some vague script (after snorting a few lines of coke) and have Jennifer stick her face in the camera for half a movie (take that literally). To cover for being lazy I just throw in all the standard dogma's of modern day liberalism about Christianity that were left on the cutting from Noah and about us destroying the earth and I have some people say that if you cannot understand all this tripe you are stupid. Also we try to lure people in by saying it's horror, thriller and whatever. Then we circle-jerk and to help save the earth we lavish ourselves in all the luxury items in our big mansions. And we end up with an art-school film costing 40 mil... Like After Earth this is just a shameless promotion like Will Smith tried to pull off, with the same result and they also pretended that movie was about us destroying the earth come to think of it. So in effect: After Earth part II.