abbygird Reviews

Troll (1986)

Best of the Gremlins Knock-offs

[7/10 · 8 July 2001]

Of all the Gremlins knock-offs to emerge during the 80's (Critters, Ghoulies, Munchies etc), Troll is the most original and fun. Starring Noah Hathaway, one of the least annoying child actors from the time, the plot is made up of classic "magic kingdom returning to rule the earth" fantasy fodder. Hey, at least there IS a plot! There are some painfully cheeky moments (like the father's Risky Business dance), but nothing unwatchable. The FX are certainly no worse than any other Gremlins knock-off, and in many places, the FX are far superior to Troll's contemporaries.

Long before Troll 2 earned its reputation as one of the worst films ever made, Troll was subject to harsher-than-necessary criticism. It's not the 'dog' some people would have you think it is.

Dancing Outlaw II: Jesco Goes to Hollywood (1999)

Short But Bittersweet

[9/10 · 30 May 2001]

This follow-up to "Dancing Outlaw" feels far more unnatural than the original, but it's just as fascinating. The short documentary follows West Virginia dance whiz Jesco to Hollywood, where he's booked to perform on the TV show "Roseanne."

Most of the scenes depicting Jesco in his native Boone County are blatantly staged. This seems a bit tacky at first considering that the strength of the first "Dancing Outlaw" was the fact it approached Jesco on his own terms.

But the 'sanitized' depiction of Jesco ends abruptly once Jesco arrives on the sets of "Roseanne." Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold had been charmed by the first documentary and thought Jesco would be perfect for a 'white trash/hick' show segment. At the time the episode filmed, her relationship with Tom Arnold was disintegrating. The venom exchanged between Roseanne and Tom on the sets is often excruciating to watch.

Roseanne, already in a heated spat with Arnold, flies into a rage when she sees Jesco's prison-styled swastika tattoo. The couple takes public swipes at each other, now using Jesco as a scapegoat for what were obviously pre-existing problems. Oddly, the only person who carries himself with dignity is Jesco.

In the end, Hollywood can adore The Dancing Outlaw as a cult hero from afar, but they can't accept Jesco on his own terms -- which was the whole point of the first documentary. In a land of glitter and not gold, Jesco is just too real even for those who embrace controversy.

33 1/3 Revolutions Per Monkee (1969 TV Movie)

Dated Disaster

[1/10 · 14 March 2001]

While 'Head' deconstructed the manufactured mania of The Monkees perfectly, '33 1/3' just wallows in its own self-awareness like a spoiled brat who didn't get a Playstation 2 for Christmas.

'Head' is dated, but '33 1/3' showcases the worst commercial excesses of the decade. The "story" involves a Darwinistic plot to take over the world by way of pop music. The Monkees are created test-tube style and are expected to lull the human race into submission. The members of The Monkees try to regain their individuality during thinly-produced solo spots. Padded with VERY LONG solarized, split-screen psychedelic dance numbers, it's no wonder that the entire Hippie phenomenon would be over within a year of 33 1/3. The mass media had swallowed up the original 'message' of the movement, and 33 1/3 was what was it spit out.

The worst crime perpetrated by '33 1/3' is a retro 50's number where rock legends Fats Domino, Little Richard, and Jerry Lee Lewis play second fiddle TO The Monkees. It's weird to think that when this aired, The Monkees themselves were complete has-beens.

'33 1/3 Revolutions Per Monkee' ranks with 'The Star Wars Holiday Special' as one of the worst variety efforts ever aired. If you need a reason to hate The Monkees, pick this up.

The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow (1973)

Essential Lee Jones

[10/10 · 25 February 2001]

If you want to understand the work of Lee Jones, "Invasion of the Girl Snatchers" is widely considered the best place to start your studies. Jones, with a little help from his friend Don Davison, also brought us "Shanty Town Honeymoon," "Moonshiner's Woman," and "Supervan."

Incidentally, some of Jones' alternate titles are quite worthy of Drive-In Academy Awards, such as "Hillbilly Hookers," "Little Whorehouse On The Prairie," et al.

"Invasion" was made around the same time as William Girdler's "Three on a Meathook." In fact, "Invasion" borrows some of the "Meathook's" sets and locations. Many members of the Louisville-based crew on "Invasion" were Girdler alumni, including Hugh Smith and Bub Asman.

"Invasion of the Girl Snatchers" hasn't been available on video since the late 80's, which is a crime. Keep your fingers crossed for a re-release sometime in the future!

The Skateboard Kid (1993)

Makes The Krofft's "Lidsville" Look Like High Art

[1/10 · 2 February 2001]

One of the worst films ever made. The fact it was aimed at the pre-teen market doesn't lessen its staggering badness. Make no mistake: allowing a minor to sit through this garbage is a latent form of psychological child abuse.

Zack is a new boy in town who's getting picked on by a child-gang of skateboarders. Zack's dad is too busy to pay attention to his son (and Lord knows where mom is), so Bess Armstrong gives Zack a magic motorized skateboard. A bolt of lightning a la Short Circuit causes the board to become possessed by the spirit of Dom DeLuise. With his new annoying talking skateboard, Zack can fly away from his tormentors and perform rad board tricks, although the price he pays is the loss of his immortal soul (OK ... not really, but DeLuise's jokes are so utterly brain-draining, that's how it feels).

Zack's dad starts falling for Bess Armstrong, although a local used car dealer already has his eye on her. It just so happens that this car dealer sired the leader of the skate gang that hates Zack. A hidden treasure map is thrown into the mix so Zack can bring his father and Bess Armstrong together.

The acting is awful, the writing abysmal, the skateboarding mediocre at best, and the production values are nonexistent. In fact, this whole flick looks as if it was shot in the early 80's despite its 1993 release. The talking skateboard itself is horrendous; it looks like a BROKEN background prop from Far Out Space Nuts. The talking skateboard chit chats an awful lot, but his mouth only barely moves (and it's always out of synch when it does). The board itself seems too clunky to pull the rad stunts Zack achieves. In short, a sock puppet would have been just as effective in the role of the skateboard.

If you are a bad movie fiend, Skateboard Kid is certainly worth a look. You'll find yourself asking, "How did this film ever get made?" rather frequently. It exudes a certain Star Wars Holiday Special trial of endurance quality that some B-movie experts might find quite challenging.

For everyone else: STAY AWAY. YES, it's really THAT BAD!!

Canadian Bacon (1995)

Pets or Canadian Bacon?

[1/10 · 27 January 2001]

It's amazing how even an ultra-talented ensemble cast couldn't save this film. According to Moore's "Adventures in a TV Nation" book, many of the featured actors agreed to make Canadian Bacon because they were shown the TV Nation pilot. They likely didn't know what they were really getting into.

Canadian Bacon is less entertaining than colon-rectal surgery. It's tedious, unfunny, and meandering. And when it attempts to recreate Dr. Strangelove (which is frequently), it borders on being unwatchable. I smiled ONCE during the film ... during the graffiti scene. Cabin Boy is more fun to sit through than this dumbed-down "comedy."

I like Michael Moore a lot. I think he makes great reality-based satire. I also think he realized that was his calling after seeing this finished product. I really hope so.

The Get-Man (1974)

Combat Cops: A hard way to live, an easy way to die.

[9 December 2000]

There's a lot of misinformation regarding this film floating around. Zebra Killer (aka Panic City, Combat Cops) stars Austin Stoker and Hugh Smith as police officers on the trail of a serial killer in Louisville, KY. The murderer goes on to kidnap and rape Stoker's lady, which drives Austin to heavy drinking and chicken eating. James Pickett offers a truly stellar performance, and D'Urville Martin makes a guest appearance in his trademark pimpsuit.

Zebra Killer was originally rated PG but it received an R-rating upon release.

SOURCE: williamgirdler.com