zaur-2 Reviews

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (2005 TV Movie)

One of the funniest things I've ever seen.....

[10/10 · 24 July 2008]

Not just a movie mind you, but one of the funnest "things" I've ever seen... And the other user comments and the discussion board only make it all the more gut busting funny... Guy is addicted to Internet Porn... and he lusts after his mother, his religious girlfriend, and a Senior Slut named Monica who has a sexy web site... ya ya ya voom.... And she even meets him at the soda shop and lets him touch her boobie, even though she has a bad ass boyfriend who kicks our hero's ass in the end after she bangs her head and blames it on him after he can't seal the deal with her. Then when the boyfriend goes to kick his ass she's all "no no baby..." Anybody else notice that Monica the slut was played by Nicole "Dicker"? I mean if there is such a thing, and what computer guy hasn't spent the long nights in front of the Internet, most Internet porn you're looking at stuff a long long way away, probably in another country, and this guy is lucky and actually has a willing slut not only in the same town, but the same HIGH SCHOOL!!! It would have been a much better movie if it would have been about Monica's Internet sex addiction, after all she's the one with a naughty website and not just looking at porn like our boy. I was actually hoping when she hit her head and that long line of blood spilled out that she'd die and that he'd get convicted for murdering her after becoming obsessed by her naughty website; would have made a much better movie than the self-baptism that occurs instead.

And Kelly Lynch wasn't so self-righteous when she was getting it from Patrick Swazi in Road House and showing her naked "porn" body. And she goes ape over our boy's porn when his brother is playing GTA and she says nothing. Anyhow, this movie is still a great laugh if you're a slacker like me with nothing better to do.

Halloween II (1981)

Most amazing scene

[10/10 · 28 October 2005]

This was an excellent film and the creepy hospital gave in an air of even more creepyness. The only thing I would have added was some creepy zombie like patients moving around as well. The Mr. Sandman at the end was totally freaky as well. Myres and Loomis of course come back again later despite being blown up. The William Shatner mask always gets me. It's so creepy and the lack of expression is always there. I keep waiting for him to say, "Hey... Spock.. I... am...here.. to... murder you" The best scene of all though would have to be the Pamela Susan Shoop in the hot tub. She has one of the most amazing racks that I've ever seen, and even before she dies we get a huge and dramatic view of them. A 10 for that scene alone.

The Fire Next Time (1993)

yeah.... it's back

[10/10 · 12 May 2005]

10 only because of Bonnie Bedila's assets on display. I caught this on the lifetime movie network earlier this week and it's 2005 and nothing has come to pass like predicted in this film. However, this movie does have 2 or should I say 4 redeeming qualities, mainly in the form of the mother and daughter. Bonnie Bedelia who plays the mom shows off her boobs in almost every scene and in a surprise in one scene you can see right into her nightshirt when she bends down and see full boobage. A real surprise for a TV. And it's a most impressive pair. The daughter is really hot too, although I'm sad to see her career has gone the daytime TV route and not the mainstream movie Ashley Judd nude scene or the playboy made cable TV route. Anyhow, watch this for the two hot women and just ignore the dumb story about how bad America is because of crap.

The Ninth Gate (1999)

What happened????

[10/10 · 24 January 2005]

OK... for the guy who didn't understand the three books... 3 illustrations from each book with the initials LCF, 3X3=9, the Nine gates. The ninth gate was the one he finds in the end. Which it goes from the bookstore to him going into a bright light... to see the devil?? I also wondered was the girl the devil the whole time and simply musing for it's entertainment with foolish mortals who wished to worship him/her. My theory is that she was the ninth gate... if you recall the ninth drawing is a woman and a beast. The significance of the end is he's going to be with her. She was totally hot.. btw. A perfect devil.

Battlestar Galactica (2003)

Holy Frak-this is excellent

[12 December 2003]

This was great, I loved every minute. It's like the old show remade with all the junk left out. The old Starbuck was idiotic and goofy.(badly portrayed by that guy from the A-Team) The new Starbuck is awesome baby! The last scene with Starbuck with the cigar on the bed.. ouch woop woop de doo. And the the Asian girl as Boomer, wow, me likey likey. The new Cylons are awesome, wow, that woman is so much hotter than that Terminator woman. That was an awesome scene when they broke in to rescue Baltar. The old Baltar was goofy. Edward James Almos as Adama, awesome! Loren Green (Pa for Bonnaza) was never convencing as a space commander. And the President Mary McDonald, wow, I'm glad the other 43 ahead of her got iced by the cylons and she became the president. That leggy scene with her on the shuttle had me saying, Holy Frak! Richard Hatch and Randolf Mantooth can kiss my fulbalgraf, they're just jealous because that old series was so corny and bad.(half the sfx were used in that even cornier Buck Rodgers Series) Also, do some comparisons of photos to the women from this new Galactica and women form the old, the old gals look like total plain janes compared to the new women.

This is Scifi's Star Trek TNG.

The Cape (1996–1997)

Adios bad TV

[12 December 2003]

Corbin Bernsen made a comment himself digised as "The Cape" from KSC. This show is gone, it was a bad show that made a 90210 joke out of the US Space Program. Especially after the Columbia Tragedy, this show was more of an insult. Hey Corbin, stick to playing schister lawyers and dentists, you look like you belong in space about as much as Loren Green did in the old Battlestar Galatica. There's a reason why NASA doesn't recognize this show at all (even though they do recognize "I dream of geine" on their tour) that's because this show was bad. Really bad. William Shatner playing an astronaut would have been better. Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey "The Cape" goodbye...

Sins of the Night (1993)

Deborah Shelton is awesome

[26 May 2003]

I caught this on late night on Showtime or one of the Movie channels and low and behold to my shock and surprise there was totally hot Deborah Shelton, 1970 Miss USA, who used to be on Dallas, and Meline Griffith played her body double in the movie Body Double. Well, in this flick Deborah goes all the way. Her body is a perfect as I always imagined it would be, those many times fantisizing about her from Dallas and Body double. This flick is worth it for her scenes alone.

Laguna Heat (1987 TV Movie)

Mrs. Camdem---well I never

[9 May 2003]

Catherine Hicks-- I don't even remember much what this film was about, but Catherine Hicks steamy scenes are worth the watch anyday. She's a total hotty, and you'll understand why her and preacher are always getting down and having more kids on 7th Heaven, and why Kirk had a bone for her (and her whales) in ST-The Voyage Home.

Wonder Woman (1975–1979)

I Wonder what happened to the 50s and 60s Woman

[11 April 2003]

This was a cool show. Not only was Lynda Carter hot(she can lasso me anytime) but there were always all these hot babes around on this show. The way they dressed, the sexual inuendos.. the real Wonder of this show was how they got it passed the censors back in the G rated TV world of the 70s. But one thing always got me though.. what happened to the 50s and 60s, one season they're fighting the Nazi's and it's 1940 something, then all of a sudden they're fighting space aliens (these really cool Shalock things) in the 70s. I understand why Wonder Woman hasn't aged any, because she's a wonder.. but what about Steve??, did he get a little of that wonder juice and stay young too??

The Man in the Moon (1991)

**Spoiler Warning** Man in the bushes

[8 April 2003]

I liked this movie in the beginning, Emily Warfield and Reese Witherspoon and the new guy had a cute innocent teen love triangle. Then all of a sudden out of the blue, there's an explicit sex scene between tractor guy and Emily in the bushes while on break from plowing. Nothing wrong with that Emily Warfield is really hot, and I'd like to see her in more stuff. However, after the loving, back to plowing, uh-oh, I left my hat on the bush, plow boy reaches for it, falls off the tractor, oh no the disk blades, chop chop. It's supposed to be tragic but it had me rolling. This ending is just about as bad as the Robbie Benson's come uppance in Ice Castles. Why they have to have these things, out of the blue, or out of the bushes in this case I have yet to see.

Ghost Story (1981)

What's up with that?

[8 April 2003]

Alice Krige is hot in this film, no doubt, and the only real reason to watch it. The story about the ghost taking revenge is fine, but what is up with the fact that she dates the sons she's looking to take revenge on. It's almost like two stories going on. It might have been better if she was a possesed by the ghost. It's just to far out there and makes the film(which I believe the novel was the same way) that this ghost comes back and has acrobatic sex. Anyone who's seen the film knows the scene, I mean, they're all over the apartment. He's that intimate and she doesn't realize she's a ghost?? And if she's physical enough of the acrobatic sex, why on earth wouldn't she just kill the son?? Why the sex?

Fatal Instinct (1993)

Halarious

[3 April 2003]

This film was great, much better than those naked gun pictures. All from the pop up panties to that halarious schene with the power tools, and what about that Kamikazi Kama Sutra. That buffer scene gets me every time.

Great, great film.

Club Wild Side (1998)

Lauren Hays looks like Celine Dion

[14 March 2003]

Really cheesy story about a farm girl going to LA and working at well.. the title says it all. Except for the "you know what" parts of this film it's pretty bad. The best thing and what makes it worth watching though is how much the producer's wife, played by Lauren Hays, looks like Celine Dion. Even in her mannerisms. So this flick is good for a Celine Dion fantasy if nothing else.

Porn 'n Chicken (2002 TV Movie)

Really lame........

[14 October 2002]

This was a really lame attempt by Comedy Central to make an American Pie like movie. It just doesn't work on TV. South Park or the Man Show seem really ranchy compared to this bore of a small screen film. Ok, it's based on a true story??? What on Earth would that chick be hanging out with those losers for??? Don't even bother on this stinker...

The Substitute: Failure Is Not an Option (2001 Video)

Angie Everhart topless

[10 May 2002]

Angie Everhart's topless scenes are the only thing good about this turkey. They'll leave you longing for more. She's such a beautiful woman in this picture. She plays a female officer who's ready to get down and she does.

Miss Julie (1999)

Miss Julie, Miss Julie take me away from this mess.

[28 March 2001]

Goofy flick about a Count's daughter and a footman. I guess it you knew of the class system of the leadge it might make more since. But this film is boooring, and it take's forever for the footman and daughter to get it on. And then it's just a quick shag up against the wall in a pantry, I mean come on, you've got this hotty like Saffron, the least they could do was a full frontal nude of them exposing themselves to each other and a roll in the hay scene.

One high note and the best thing about this film is the song the other servants sing while bunny and the footman hide out in the pantry. If you've seen this you'll remember that.. "stick a carrot up your...", and the footman is holding her ears so she doesn't hear the mockery, which is funny because it's right after this that he pokes her.

Enemy at the Gates (2001)

Enough with the comments about English accents

[21 March 2001]

As a Russian American, and relative of Stalingrad Vet(see my Uncle's comments in another comment) I believe it's good that they used their own English accents instead of making stupid sounding English/Russian accents. I guess these people who critize have no real mind and wanted the Russian's to speak like Bullwinkle Natasha and Boris. "we kill nazi's then go get moose and squirle" I'm glad they used English accents and made good film. People who say wanted Ivan fake russian accents are people who stereotype russians and others. It insult like telling Tiger Woods to eat collard greens.

Enemy at the Gates (2001)

Ignore reviews-- Excellent film says Stalingrad Vet

[19 March 2001]

Here is message I forward from Great Uncle visiting US from Stalengrad:

I would like to say I am disappointed with many reviews of this fine film about my motherland. As cousin of Vassily I fought with resistance to Nazi barbarian invaders so I know what I talk about. What the hell does LA guy know about Battle of Stalingrad? This film was more realistic than Titanic. So what if Russian's speak with English accent it is an English film, not Russian. I glad that filmmakers don't stoop to hockey Russian goose step accents. Music was excellent better than Titanic and at right moments. Communism is also big part of symbolism at time as well and fit excellently into picture. Also, love scene in tunnel very realistic. Me and wife Irina who also fought in army make love in bunker with hundred others many times. In war, you make best with what you have and like in film make love when you have chance. Chance may not be after next day. So, this is good and historical film about Battle of Stalingrad from one who was there. This film is getting bad rap like Mel Gibson classic Braveheart.

Vassily would be proud of film the way it was done.

Renaissance Man (1994)

Excellent Film

[10 March 2001]

This is a great film about how Danny DeVito, an out of work ad man, finds himself and introduces Shakesphere to a group of misfit soldiers. Some racist reviewers of this film tired to put it down, but it's great. Many people in Advertising have English degrees and would know literature like DeVito's character does. This is a great movie and shouldn't be put down.

NASCAR Racers (1999–2001)

Not NASCAR!!!

[22 February 2001]

This show is so awful, and it's a shame to share the name NASCAR with this show and real NASCAR teams and fans. NASCAR (as the creator of this show must not know) stands for National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing. I don't know what the hell it's supposed to stand for in this show. Except for maybe that they drive cars, if you can call those flying machines cars, it has nothing in common at all with NASCAR. It's an insult to NASCAR and an example of the greed in sports today that this show ever saw the light of day. It's like a really bad episode of the old Speed Racer, transformers, and the power rangers. I hope no kids watching this think that NASCAR racing is anything like this stupid show.

Under Lock and Key (1995)

Showers, Showers, and more showers

[1 February 2001]

awesome women in prison movie. You had it all, dresses getting ripped off during fights, strip searches, conjugal visits(where the FBI undercover agent had to pretend to be doing it), and many many shower scenes. It was a shame though because the really cute gard who became the FBI agent's buddy towards the end said she was going to take a shower, but it didn't show it! All this TNA was built around this really lame plot about a drug dealer, named Rico of all things, who fronted as a fashion designer?? give me a break, he was supposed to be this big macho guy, but ... No wonder his hot girlfriend tried to rip off his code book. This guy couldn't satisfy a woman if his life depended on it. The acting was really bad, but as long as the women kept up the showers who really cares.

Daybreak (1993 TV Movie)

Cuba and Moira shine

[18 January 2001]

This is a very excellent and overlooked HBO movie. Set in the future where HIV positive people are sent to live in concentration camps and probably exterminated in the near future. Cuba and Moria Kelly are excellent as the lead characters. There's also a really hot love scene between Cuba and Moria, which is interrupted by a kid. This is a very excellent movie of what might happen in an intolerent Texas future.

The Mother and the Whore (1973)

Longest and boring Film ever???

[12 December 2000]

I need help, I need help bad with this one. **warning spoilers maybe????** I caught this film late one night on Sundance. The description sounded cool, hot French Love, and it was called Mother and the Whore, so you have to give it something for that title alone. So I watched, and watched, and watched, and it went on and on and on. Ok, there's a Frenchman, he lives with one lover and he meets several during the film. The story seems to revolve around a nurse he meets. Long scenes of him sitting by the phone and dialog back and forth. The nurse mentions time and time again about having to remove her tampax to have sex, really wierd, I don't know what's up with that. Then when she forgets with the guy, he has to retrieve it.

It wasn't long after this that I feel asleep. Was there ever a Whore and Mother? or was the Nurse the whore and the lover at home the mother. It never really did explain it. Somebody email me please and let me know what this mess is all about. Z

Noctropolis (1994 Video Game)

Cool old Dos game

[17 November 2000]

This is a cool old Dos game from 94. The story is about a comic book store owner being transported to the comic book world of the comic hero Darksheer. The real Darksheer is missing and you must assume his role with the help of his trusted leather clad buxom assistant Stiletto, played sharply by Playboy playmate Hope Marie Carlton, (WOW!!!), yeah you get to see them. There's also this Succubus character who seduces you from the beginning whose outfit is nothing more than a teddy garters and high heels. Check this out if you can find a copy.

Phantasmagoria 2: A Puzzle of Flesh (1996 Video Game)

Wild Monique Parent Tale of Flesh at the Office

[17 November 2000]

Cool game **may contain spoilers** What horror fan couldn't resist being place in the role of our hero an average Joe(or is he???), a creepy office, a hot girlfriend, a talking Rat, kinky office worker who's into S&M, creepy murders, ghouls, horrific childhood images, secret labs, mysterious experiments, and creatures from dimension X. Also, Monique Parent of late night ShowTime T&A fame plays a hot role, this is no game for the kiddies. The scene where are hero discusses what's going on with his rat and the rat says, "that's because you're a psycho killer" gets me every time.