jaiken007 Reviews

The Young Poisoner's Handbook (1995)

One of the Best Sleepers

[10/10 · 27 December 2002]

I truly love this film. The look on young Graham's face when he got his first chemistry set was probably like the one on my own when I got mine. Because I loved my family, I chose other areas of research and never experimented on them. That said, I found the humor in this black comedy right on target and I actually felt sorry for the young poisoner. If he had worked for Q branch he most likely would have received a knighthood rather than a prison sentence. I have no idea how close to the truth this movie is but it is on my top 20 films of all time.

Caligula (1979)

A Stunning Mess

[3 November 2002]

First of all, I believe that anyone who says that this is an accurate depiction of ancient Rome has done little reading about the period. Costuming errors abound and the use of glass is hysterically incorrect. The second problem is that, I, Claudius not withstanding (Robert Graves made a lot of stuff up), we have very little information about this era. Taking the word of Suetonius, who had an axe to grind, would be like using the National Enquirer to understand the life of Diana Spencer. We do not even know for sure whether thumbs up or down meant life or death.

Okay on to the film. Without a doubt this movie has the biggest budget of any porno film I've ever seen. Peter O'Toole and Sir John are lucky in dying in the first 20 minutes. Malcolm McDowell is excellent as always and Helen Mirren puts in her usual stellar performance. The sets are beautiful, if inaccurate (Romans painted their statues in life-like colors for one instance), likewise the costuming (Roman matrons were dressed with far more modesty). I also was amused at the bad ADR. It looks almost like dubbed Godzilla movie and the music, in a word, sucks. Someday someone will make a film that combines the wonderful writing and acting of the British mini-series, I, Claudius, and the budget of this horrible movie. I hope it's soon.

Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (2000 Video)

Why Can't the Live Action Movies Be This Good?

[10/10 · 25 October 2002]

I am a die-hard Batman fan. I started by reading the comics as a kid and stuck with Bats even during the "Bat-usi"-Adam West days, as bad as they were. I was once of the first fans of "The Dark Knight" and waited in line two hours to be in the preview audience for the first Tim Burton feature. I didn't watch "Batman Beyond" until syndication and was so impressed by the series I bought "Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker" and was blown away by it. This is superior to any film version of my favorite psychotic in tights. The plot is chilling and Mark Hamill brings an edge to the Joker that even Jack Nicholson could not match. Will Friedle and Kevin Conroy seem to bring out nuances of character with their voices that are lacking in the live portrayals of Batman. I also love the way the two Batmen differ in their strengths and weaknesses to make an unbeatable team. I missed Stockard Channing, but Angie Harmon was a good substitute. I hope this team makes many more Batman movies but I cannot imagine being able to top this.

10 stars out of 10 for this masterpiece. Congratulations, they've done Bob Kane proud. (Now if the script writers for the live movies could hire Paul Dini and company)

The Twilight Zone (2002–2003)

Yawn

[20 September 2002]

Warning Spoilers Ahead

Oh my god, The little sister is a rat and ARCADIA IS A FOREST!!! Death goes back to work and THE DOCTOR IS HIS FIRST VICTIM!!! I've seen more suspense and better surprise endings in a cook book. The original series was innovative and (usually) well-written and directed. Some of the finest actors on the planet were cast. Who can forget the bravura performance of Agnes Moorehead as she was chased by spacemen? What a great ending. Who would not have released The Howling Man and accidently started WWII? I thought the monk was crazy too. Oh sure, some of them were lame. "His name was Adam, Hers was Eve." or "It's a beautiful planet. Third one from the sun. Let's call it Earth." But it did set a standard and if the first two stories are any indication, Mr Whitaker should fire his agent.

The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)

Makes Baywatch Look Like Hamlet

[1/10 · 20 September 2002]

I cannot imagine watching the dailies for this mess. How could anything with a brain stem allow their image to be so badly debased. The luckiest actor, no, performer, no, person-in-costume-wandering-about-in-front-of-camera-mouthing-banality in this dreck was Katherine Victor, who at least got to wear a mask for the entire 104 minutes of agony. I would love to see the footage that wasn't good enough to make the final cut. The music sounds like that record played on Eb Dawson's transistor radio on Green Acres. The intercut stock footage was jarring and almost as incomprehensible as the plot, and that is the loosest use of the word "plot" in the history of the English language. Several of my friends and I did an experiment involving video cameras and LSD in college. I had thought that our resultant opus was the strangest, stupidest, and most self-indulgent work to ever disgrace a camera. Jerry Warren topped us.

The Jazz Singer (1927)

Bizzare Melange

[8 August 2002]

So many strange elements are in this film. The Jewish stereotypes are as offensive as the blackface, which had no plot value that I could see. The fact that the Warner Brothers studio produced this movie is like Bill Cosby producing "Amos an' Andy in the 60's" starring Spike Lee as Amos. (You'll truly believe a man can SHUFFLE!) From a historical viewpoint it is important, as are other exercises in racism, such as "Intolerance", and it does show the tremendous talent of Al Jolson. It also is nice to see a female chorus that is shapely and natural as opposed to the man-made beauties of today. (Pardon that last comment but I just returned from Las Vegas and saw more silicon than there is in San Jose, attached to women who have a cigarette and some air for lunch.) Jewish history is so vibrant and there are so many incidents that have far greater dramatic potential than this schmaltz.

The Wonderful World of the Brothers Grimm (1962)

A Film You Must Take Your Children To See...

[27 April 2002]

if they've been very bad. I know the threat of having to watch this dreck again would have halted any thought of misbehaving when I was a child. Although the locations are charming and, as noted above, George Pal's "Puppetoons" are a hoot to see in this digital age, I could barely stay awake through the banal plot. I also kept wondering if Laurence Harvey was popping Seconals during production. I would love to see the original Charles Beaumont script. I hope that he was never desperate enough to have to play script doctor for this catalog of yawns. I think they should show movies like this one in prison. It is sure to make recidivism vanish in a couple of years. Spoiler Alert Buddy Hackett's restoration from a piece of his femur is the best thing in this film.

The Brotherhood (2001 Video)

Okay, I'm a Sucker for Vampires

[16 February 2002]

Okay, I bit on this one. I ordered it through gay.com and although I feel that I spent about $20 more than the movie was worth, I had a great time watching the DVD Letterbox Special Edition of "The Brotherhood". The best part is, of course, the director's commentary, which tries to explain why he made this exercise in style over substance. He also explains that the lack of special effects was an artistic rather than budgetary decision. As to the reason why the male cast spends a majority of the finale in their designer underwear, he says, "I wanted to make a 'date' horror movie so that guys could bring their girlfriends." Another problem is the audio transfer, which like far too many other home video releases has booming, majestic music and sound effects while the dialogue is barely comprehensible. Then again for this movie, maybe it's a good thing that the cast is inaudible. Rent the DVD, select the second audio track and have a "God, I'm glad I didn't make this film" party and serve plenty of cheese.

7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964)

Stand Up Well After 30 Years

[30 December 2001]

The Circus of Dr. Lao was one of my favorite books as a child. This enigmatic book was the first one I read that left much to the imagination. The movie, retitled "The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao', lost the enigma but still managed to delight and charm me. This was due, in large part, to Tony Randall's virtuoso performance in 8 roles, my favorite being Pan. TIVO was wise enough to record this movie for me (Yes, I'm a little scared by how well my digital recorder knows me but that's another tale.) and I enjoyed it even more as an adult. As a previous poster stated there is more than a passing resemblance to "Something Wicked This Way Comes" but I preferred Dr. Lao to Mr. Dark. Peter Sellers was originally cast as Dr. Lao but the studio did not want him. I wonder how this movie would have turned out had his performance been filmed.

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

An Interesting Hodgepodge

[2 July 2001]

There are two good movies and one bad one wrapped up on A.I. My prejudices tend to make the Kubrick bits stand out above the Spielberg ones and the Spielberg zeitgeist above the "ain't this too cute" parts. I also had trouble with the sheer evil of making an entity that had the imperative hard wired in that it must "love" another being without such strictures. It is impossible to deny that this is the most beautiful speculative fiction film ever made and that it will be a milestone in cinematic art but I was very confused emotionally throughout A.I. and felt removed from the film partially because this was yet another view of the future where all blacks and other minorities have been killed off before the movie starts and also because I had no clear picture of anyone's motives besides, of course, David's. Some other points that bothered me were: What do these robots run on? We were told that they consume no other resources beyond those needed for manufacture. This is not science but magic. I also wondered why in one case a small amount of foreign substance causes malfunction but total immersion in water does not. At first the ferns and other tropical foliage in New Jersey bothered me but then I remembered that we had been told that the ice caps had melted which would create all kinds of odd climatic effects, but wouldn't New Jersey be underwater? It may be hard to read beyond my nit picking but I enjoyed A.I. if only on a cerebral level. This, however, may be a fault of mine and not the film. Having just read the original Carlos Collodi tale of "Pinocchio", I enjoyed the allusions to this great fable. Pinocchio, who, like David and all the rest of us, longs for the comfort of being loved for himself. The sadness of these tales, as in the macrocosm, is that we often believe that if we are good or "real" or if we lose five pounds, learn French, start smoking, stop smoking, go to the gym, get a face lift, drink this, take that, or wear whatever we will be deserving of the love we were deserving of in the first place. This is a delightfully intriguing film that still reverberates in my mind the day after seeing it.

FTA (1972)

F*** The Army

[2/10 · 10 March 2001]

This film doesn't seem to be in the official filmographies for either Jane Fonda or Donald Sutherland. It is easy to cast stones at the youthful excesses of the cast of this awful movie but I am glad that some of the theatre I was responsible for in college was not filmed. The ensemble filmed a series of sketches performed outside of army bases in the Pacific Rim and although I agree with the leftie politics espoused, there is nothing of interest here. I would rather watch Congress perform "Oh, Calcutta" WITH the nude scenes than sit through this mess again.

Eerie, Indiana (1991–1992)

Fantastic Finale

[8 March 2001]

As sad as I was to see this excellent quirky show end, I was blown away by the final episode. In "Reality Takes a Holiday" Marshall (Omri Katz) suddenly finds himself on a t.v. sound stage and his family starts calling him Omri saying that they are all characters on a show called "Eerie, Indiana. He finds a script which has everything he does magically appear seconds after the fact. He then finds out that he is being written out of the series and will be killed. Many of the crew have cameos in this episode and it is a fitting finale to one of my favorite modern shows. I think that it was just too weird for most people to handle.

Fireball XL5 (1962–1963)

A Reason for Rushing Home from School

[8 March 2001]

My school bus got me home exactly at 4:00 and rather than dawdle and get involved in the snowball or dirt clod fight, I would head straight for the T.V. Back in those days it took about 4 minutes for the set to warm up so the only way I could catch the opening was to stay home sick from school, which I tried as often as I could. I loved this show, as did my best friends and we would re-create the episodes the next day on the school bus. My brother and sister would make it to the basement in time for the closing theme and we would all sing along. Then it was time for my other favorite, "Jonny Quest". This was my favorite hour of the day. On a recent trip to London, a friend surprised me with a video tape of two episodes. As clunky and silly as the show was it brought back so many "warm fuzzies" that I still smile to think about Captain Steve and the rest of the crew.

Iolanthe (1984 TV Movie)

The Best Gilbert & Sullivan

[10/10 · 4 January 2001]

The Canadian Stratford Company prove themselves to be the masters of operetta. This stylish and wonderfully updated production is everything a Savoyard could hope for and more. Not only is the singing marvelous, the use of dance and prestidigitation add a nice touch. The deceptively simple set is packed in a single crate and the a vista set changes are performed to the overture. There is not a single flaw in this this show, which happens to be my favorite G & S. One caution: I rented the tape and had to buy a copy for my home library. I wore the tape out and now, thankfully, it's been released on DVD so the fun continues.

The Poseidon Adventure (1972)

Film vs Novel

[7/10 · 1 January 2001]

What I found most interesting about The Poseidon Adventure was that the point of the movie and the point of the the book are diametrically opposed. **WARNING-SPOILERS AHEAD** In the movie everyone who stayed behind died. In the book they are all saved, in fact one of them is still drinking from his bottle of champagne and dressed in his evening clothes while the followers of the Reverend are in tatters and covered in oil and slime. The little boy, who is saved in the movie wanders off and just disappears half way into the book. The novelist, Paul Gallico, also wrote all of the Mrs. 'Arris goes wherever novels. I think that he and Irwin Allen had vastly disparate views on how the universe operates.

Parting Glances (1986)

A Refreshing Movie From the '80s

[9/10 · 28 December 2000]

Parting Glances is a wonderful film. Steve Buscemi plays a man who has AIDS but this is not an AIDS movie, it is a movie about love and friendship. John Bolger, who later played Gabe McNamara a police chief on the soap opera Another World, plays a man who is leaving his lover to take a job in Africa. His reasons for leaving are examined and challenged all to the tune of a delightful score by Brahms with Mozart in counterpoint. A visit from a character from Don Giovanni provides a delightful interlude. Fans of The Drew Carey show will enjoy the performance of Kathy Kinney in a role that is almost a mirror image of Mimi.