huggybear-2 Reviews

Van Helsing (2004)

Believe the reviews - it *is* that bad

[3/10 · 15 May 2005]

Whenever you buy a video for £2.50 from a supermarket bargain bin, you have to manage your expectations. The poor reviews of this wannabe blockbuster and franchise had already done that to a certain extent, but Hugh Jackman is usually good value as a leading man and Kate Beckinsale is one of the most attractive leading ladies of the current box office.

The first few lines of dialogue confirm that this film is a stinker. Clichéd without being amusing, this is an homage to nothing but bad film-making. Where The Mummy series romped, Sommers' offering stumbles like a newborn deer. With a silver stake through its torso.

So, let's look for another source of entertainment - focus on the visuals that all that money must have gone into. Sorry. Boooring CGI fill every scene. Never has so much mood lighting produced so little mood. Any chance of a consistent, believable (given the subject matter) plot? Nope. Van Helsing ranks alongside Troy as the most infamous butcher of source material in the history of cinema.

The final nail in the coffin? Kate Beckinsale wears a top for most of the film that makes it look like her breasts are bleeding. It must have been an ironic in-joke.

For £2.50 I could have bought some watercress and watched it grow. I'll know better for next time.

Desert Heat (1999)

Van no longer the Man

[2/10 · 10 August 2004]

I've given this 2/10 but am currently struggling to decide why it was worth such high praise. The plot, such as it is, is thinner than paper and most of the script and 'acting' is of the lowest possible quality. Most disappointingly, the action quotient was also remarkably low.

However, there are some humourous moments, which saves this from being the worst film ever made. Given Channel 5's (UK tv station for any Americans reading) typical evening film output, it is no great surprise to find out this was a straight-to-video event.

Okay, so you need 10 lines for a comment. Hmm. You get to see Van Damme's butt, which may interest some of you. And the old guy out of The Karate Kid.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Magical third outing for Harry and friends

[8/10 · 31 May 2004]

After the disappointing second HP film I found this to be a welcome return to form. Prisoner features a strong plot, neat dialogue and the usual powerful supporting cast to back up the child stars. I have not read any of the books, so am unable to comment as to whether the rather long time it takes to get to any action is due to the screenplay or source material. However, this more adult and darker episode (allowing Oldman, Thewlis and Rickman to up the dramatic ante) should please fans of the books and casual observers alike - plus, having well established Hogwarts in the first two films, little backfill is necessary.

8/10

Troy (2004)

Overblown and undercooked attempt at an epic

[3/10 · 16 May 2004]

Never in the field of human conflict has so little been achieved in so long a film with such a large budget. You might think, what harm can Hollywood do to a story that has withstood the passing of centuries? Well, they can bastardize the plot, turning an epic struggle that lasted over a decade into a two-week blitzkrieg; produce only three characters and performances of any worth at all (O'Toole as Priam, Bana's Hector and Sean Bean as Odysseus); and generate dialogue of such banality and stupidity that it produces unintentional laughs and an ironic round of applause at the close of the film.

Possibly the most disappointing film I can remember seeing. Avoid.

Something's Gotta Give (2003)

Overlong, over-sentimental and overdone

[4/10 · 23 February 2004]

There are some entertaining moments in this film. It is however an unfortunate indictment of the director's storytelling skills that they are virtually all packed into the first 30 minutes of what feels like a four-hour film. The rest is schmaltzy, over-sentimental drivel, broken up only by intermittent rays of light provided by Jack Nicholson and, to a lesser extent, Keanu Reeves.

Diane Keaton is hideously miscast, although she is not helped by her character being wafer thin - are we supposed to believe Erica is a top playwright when she displays such little understanding of life and love? Frances McDormand is criminally underused, although by the end you have the feeling that her main scene could have been in a different film.

The plot is turned several times too many (if you thought Return of the King had too many false endings, try this on for size) but always to the inevitable conclusion.

4/10, with all points being scored in the first quarter by Jack Nicholson.

Ginostra (2002)

Slow-witted, slow-paced slow-called thriller

[4/10 · 1 February 2003]

Dramas over two hours in length generally fall into two camps - they either have an epic story to tell, full of deep characterisations, complex plots and stunning backdrops, or they stink. Ginostra falls with aplomb into the latter category.

Never has so little happened of such little note in such a long time. If this were not bad enough, never have actors of the calibre of Harvey Keitel and Andie MacDowell delivered such clunky dialogue with such haste and apparent lack of skillful direction or editing.

The likes of Osment and Radcliffe have little to worry about from Mattia De Martino, who plays the son of a chef to the mob who is his immediate family's sole survivor following a car bombing. Keitel is the FBI agent on the case and he and his wife MacDowell base themselves near the island of Ginostra, the site of the bombing, while he tries to pump the child for information.

There is some innuendo between Keitel and Francesca Neri, who plays the wife of the local officer chasing the mob, who in turn appears to fancy MacDowell. Nothing actually materialises, which is the film's major problem - it's quite miserable and very dull. Misery is not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but with nothing else to grab hold of, it's all a bit much.

The Badge (2002)

Monster's Ball - The TV Movie Version

[6/10 · 7 September 2002]

Much has been made of how this film suffered a variety of setbacks - some were financial, some related to its release - but the most striking of all is how this almost pales into insignificance besides Thornton's Oscar-deserving performance in 'Monster's Ball'.

The films address similar issues - hyprocrisy and bigotry and how these can be overcome - but 'The Badge' leaves these issues scratched and bruised rather than mortally wounded and suffers from a predictable, pedestrian direction and plotting.

Thornton is watchable as always, Patricia Arquette inobtrustive and the rest of the cast play their by-the-numbers roles, well, by the numbers.

It's enjoyable enough due to Thornton's charisma, but the pat ending and sluggishly cliched execution make one glad this did not make it to theaters.

6/10

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Breathtaking visuals

[8/10 · 19 May 2002]

If they gave Oscars for eye-candy then George Lucas would already be getting a space ready on his mantelpiece. Episode 2 provides a series of backgrounds, landscapes and scenes that serve up a rich, deep tapestry of colour and vivid imagery.

Lucas has both a problem and a boon with the plot - we already know largely what has to happen to the principal characters, so the fun is in how we get there. Episode 2 definitely serves to make one strongly anticipate the third installment, with the scene set as it is for Anakin's final descent to the dark side.

This leads to the inevitable question - if this series had not been going strong for 25 years, would this film be so popular? Well, the acting is not as bad as has been made out - Anakin's character is well played (although not overly likeable or sympathetic) and the other performances are solid. The dialogue is not award winning but serves its purpose.

The major problem with the story is why Anakin and Amadilah fall in love - there is no chemistry there at all and for the most part Anakin is quite unpleasant.

At the end of the day however, one can simply sit back, soak up the visuals and enjoy two of the finest moments of the series that allow C3-PO (humourously) and Yoda (violently) respectively to take centre stage.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

A mess, but a great watch all the same

[7/10 · 16 August 2001]

I viewed The Spirits Within having read numerous reviews saying 'great effects, shame about the plot'. Cleverly linked to The Final Fantasy franchise in name, I didn't see much similarity between the films and the games (although I've only played FF VII), aside from the involvement of Square.

My view of the effects was that they were excellent throughout, aside from some glitches with mouth movements - at times it was like watching a dubbed Brazilian soap opera. In the same way that you felt like you were on a ship watching Titanic, I didn't have a problem believing in the characters as people.

The much-maligned plot I found to be quite interesting - there isn't a lot of explanation up front, so you feel your way into the history and present along with the characters. It's fair to say the characterisation is not particularly strong - even with the main characters, we don't know much about them, but I believe this is fine, as the overriding thing in their lives is the battle against the phantoms.

The ending is a little head-scratching and if you're not prepared to take on board the beliefs featured in the film then you might struggle, but I enjoyed the film a great deal and look forward to further developments of CGI.

The Parole Officer (2001)

Amusing but ultimately disappointing Coogan debut

[6/10 · 13 August 2001]

Steve Coogan has arguably been the funniest man on British television in recent years. His rise from Spitting Image voice and impressionist to the inventor of classic character comedies involving Alan Partridge, Paul and Pauline Calf and the like has been unrivalled, taking in tv shows like The Day Today and long runs in West End theatre.

Surely transposing this impressive track record to the big screen would prove no difficulty at all? Well, it does. Perhaps it is judging this film in light of Coogan's previous output, but I was expecting more frequent laughs and more outright comedy, rather than falling into the typical English track of delivering a gentle, amusing tale that is charming but ultimately forgettable.

The plot, involving Coogan's failed parole officer who witnesses a murder and is subsequently framed by a corrupt police officer, is all well and good. There are several comic moments, including the now infamous rollercoaster scene.

Somehow however the characters are not strong enough (Coogan himself is most guilty here) and the laughs insufficiently hearty. I expect the appeal of the film will be limited outside of the UK.

Cats & Dogs (2001)

Amusing and original twist on spy films

[8/10 · 8 August 2001]

It is a rarity indeed for anything approaching originality to come out of the mainstream, but this amusing new take on espionage and intrigue is one such film. The cast is headed by Jeff Goldblum and Elizabeth Perkins, but their by-the-numbers dysfunctional parents play second fiddle to the furry stars, the eponymous cats and dogs.

An untrained puppy is mistakenly placed with Professor Brody (Goldblum) to help protect his dog allergy serum from the feline threat - for without us humans knowing, dogs and cats are locked in an eternal struggle for supremacy in a hi-tech, no-holds barred clash.

The plot is largely irrelevant (fortunately), as the series of set pieces unfolds as the cats try to steal the serum and the puppy with his secret agent team try to fend them off.

Highly recommended for children, but also for adults looking for something new, if undemanding.

Swordfish (2001)

Slick but meaningless techno caper

[6/10 · 31 July 2001]

Films involving hacking or other technology can be dangerous - too realistic and viewers would fall asleep - too inaccurate and they become meaningless. Swordfish falls squarely in the latter category.

There are plenty of nice ingredients - the normal conspiracy / who's working for who character set, Halle Berry going topless, John Travolta looking moody, Hugh Jackman going from strength from strength as a leading man of the future and Don Cheadle doing his normal good cop routine.

However, the basis of the film, Jackman hacking into $9billion for Travolta's campaign against terrorism, is a total mess. The script is meaningless, the sequences laughable and the outcome predictable.

There are holes in the plot large enough to fly a bus through (fortunate, as it turns out) and these caused me serious problems in enjoying the experience. Vinnie Jones is utterly superfluous as only crony with dialogue and the ending is too pat.

It could have been so good too, but too much money spent on pretty visuals and not enough on plot and script...you would never guess it was produced by Joel Silver.

Disappointing.

High Heels and Low Lifes (2001)

The latest in a long line of cute but imperfect British comedies

[6/10 · 27 July 2001]

I went to see this film with low expectations and I wasn't disappointed. I had hoped that Minnie Driver's presence might have meant a sharp, incisive script and some inventive plotting. No such luck. For some reason, the vast majority of British comedies end up as periodically slightly amusing in a light, gentle way. Why this is I have no idea as we can boast some of the world's brightest comic talents.

Ms Driver is fine and Mary McCormack as her partner in crime is adequate, if slightly annoying. Mark Williams is the best on show here as the put-upon detective.

The director Mel Smith said this was the film of his he was happiest with - I suggest he go back to The Tall Guy, which is far superior. Ending a film like this with the Eurythmic's 'Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves' was also a cliche too far.

A good effort, but could have been so much better.

Jurassic Park III (2001)

A sequel of sorts

[7/10 · 23 July 2001]

I found Jurassic Park 3 to be surprisingly entertaining. It is by no means a real sequel - there is not the same characterisation or plot depth as the two originals - but it is an enjoyable experience in its own right.

Sam Neill returns as Dr Grant, promising never to return to the islands inhabited by dinosaurs, but lured back by William H. Macy and Tia Leone as a couple seeking a guide on a fly-over. All is not as it seems however, and, of course, things start to go wrong and people start to get eaten soon thereafter.

There are some genuine comic moments, including a few references back to the first two films, and some reasonably scary moments.

The problems - in typical mainstream style you know who's going to get gobbled and who's going to make it, and, although the effects are good, the 'magic' of the first film is gone in that we've seen it all before. Twice.

The film doesn't overstay its welcome at under 100 minutes. Good fun.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

The first action film without any action

[5/10 · 9 July 2001]

Fortunately this is a film that could not fail - no matter how bad the reviews, there would be enough people willing to pay to see Angelina Jolie bounce around as Lara Croft, the computer game heroine with the impossible figure and the agility of a panther.

Unfortunately, it deserves to fail. While the plot is quite sound and fits in with the history of the character very nicely, the action is missing and when it does arrive, it provides no excitement at all. There is no tension, no adrenaline, nothing.

The other major problem is the script. The dialogue in the games is of a higher quality than this dross. Plot development was poorly done, characters flimsily constructed and the major confrontations between the major characters had all the bite of a dead slug.

Given the material, Jolie is okay and Iain Glen makes an adequate baddie. Jolie's (real) father Jon Voight is wasted and Chris Barrie (a well-known UK TV comedy actor) is given lines with no humour at all as the butler.

Below average and a huge disappointment - but we knew it would be, right?

Shrek (2001)

Bridges the generation gap effortlessly

[9/10 · 9 July 2001]

There are many films indeed that promise to provide amusement for all the family - they usually end up totally boring the parents and failing to interest the children. As an (im)mature 30 year-old, I found Shrek to be both riotously funny and a great story too. Judging by the reaction of the children in the audience, they loved it too.

How was this achieved? Well, the gags are a mixture of cartoon slapstick, film references and the fine interplay with Eddie Murphy and Mike Myers (and, later, Cameron Diaz). Disney takes a (deserved) hammering throughout - but I wouldn't want to spoil any of the jokes by revealing them here. John Lithgow is also great as the prince who wants to create the perfect kingdom. The mixture of material means there is plenty to amuse everyone and, unlike the recent Disney output, the plot is very strong too - entertainment with a message, what more could anyone want?!

The one minor blemish is Myers' Scottish accent as the eponymous ogre - offputting for a British audience perhaps, more than in America. Overall though, a triumph.

Evolution (2001)

Evilution

[3/10 · 3 July 2001]

I would humbly suggest that anyone who found this film funny or entertaining take a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror - if their padded cell has a mirror.

The plot is wafer-thin, lurching from cliche to cliche in ways a school child would be embarrassed to draft. The character development is non-existent. Most of the actors don't appear to be acting - they've simply turned up, taken the money and unplugged their emotion chips.

None of this, of course, would matter, if the laughs were full and frequent. If only that were so. A couple of light guffaws is all that is on offer. It is hard even to see if certain segments are supposed to be funny or not, it's that bad.

One redeeming feature - the aliens/bugs are particularly icky and at times downright unpleasant.

Conclusion - if you want to see a sci-fi comedy, try Galaxy Quest.

Palmetto (1998)

In a plot this old, it's hard to be good

[7/10 · 2 July 2001]

Your enjoyment of this film is likely to be based on your expectations. Why? It's the odd combination of some Class A talent (Woody Harrelson as the sucker who gets involved in a fake kidnapping plot and Elizabeth Shue as the femme fatale), and the standard potboiler plot. From many happy hours spent in front of a television tuned to BBC2 in the afternoon I am fairly confident this film has been made at least 200 times before, usually in black and white.

The plot meanders rather than twists and Harrelson's character isn't interesting enough to make you feel sorry for him - but he is playing a sucker and he does that well enough. A film limited by the core material, rather than the execution.

Croupier (1998)

Quality low-budget low-life film comes up trumps

[7/10 · 29 June 2001]

Croupier centres around Clive Owen and his character, Jack, a frustrated author who takes a job at a casino arranged by his father. Jack slowly morphs into Jake, the central character in the book he is finally able to write based on his own experiences at the casino.

Owen is in virtually every scene and carries the film well, showing he can make the jump from small screen to big screen. His character is cold and detached, a perfect contrast to the players at the casino who show their emotions with every turn of the card and his romantic girlfriend Monica.

You are left guessing at Jack's past and the plot develops nicely, each new chapter presenting itself with ease. The pacing and script are efficient and the supporting roles, such as Alex Kingston's gambler with a motive (and yes, she does get her kit off), are fine.

However, the film simply lacks the killer punch that differentiates between the good and the great. The ending is pat and weak and does not deliver the crescendo the rest of the film demands.

Chocolat (2000)

Delightful, romantic and sweet

[8/10 · 26 June 2001]

This film is delightful in many ways and you can almost smell the chocolate delicacies concocted by the gorgeous Binnoche. The gentle and yet powerful storylines, beautiful landscapes and the charm of rural France all combine to make an intoxicating recipe that lingers in the mind long afterwards.

A good story well told.

The Tailor of Panama (2001)

Enjoyable spy intrigue the way they used to make it

[7/10 · 26 June 2001]

This film contains many standard elements of a spy thriller - the deceit, intrigue and lies, the twists and turns, the sex and money. It's a fairly typical story of a holiday in Panama, I'm sure.

What lifts this above the ordinary is the gentle pacing - the story doesn't pretend to be something it's not, but glides along, with the actors left to do their jobs. Pierce Brosnan is a lovable rogue, Geoffrey Rush convincing as the tailor, and Jamie Lee Curtis adds to the mix very nicely indeed.

Quirky, but good stuff.

Blow (2001)

Well-made but unexceptional biography of Mr Cocaine

[7/10 · 26 June 2001]

In common with several other commenters, I found Blow to be a well-made and enjoyable film. It has an interesting story and a fine central performance from Johnny Depp, with excellent support from Ray Liotta. Penelope Cruz's character is about as one-dimensional as someone of her stature can be, but the other performances matter little as Depp dominates from beginning to end.

The major issue with the film is that it doesn't say much apart from how drugs can give you everything you ever wanted, and take it all away again. That said, the fact that I felt genuine sympathy for someone who brought a drug to popularity that has led to more death and pain than the average war has to say something for the screenplay.

Recommended, but don't expect anything new.

Dracula 2000 (2000)

Another nail in the coffin of quality horror

[5/10 · 26 June 2001]

There is little to say about this film other than it's a waste of time - old cliches, no character development, a 'twist' as obvious as obvious gets and minimal excitement. Not even bad enough to be entertaining, or good enough to be memorable in any way.

The Contender (2000)

Gripping political drama

[10/10 · 26 June 2001]

This film deserves to become a classic of the genre, having as it does all the requisites of a first-rate political drama - an exceptionally strong cast who deliver great performances, a robust plot and genuine excitement without resorting to violence to get it.

One Night at McCool's (2001)

One wasted opportunity

[4/10 · 26 June 2001]

I'm sure we've all seen films where 'the trailer is the best bit'. This is the Oscar winner in that category. If you've seen the trailer, don't go and see this, you'd be wasting your time. If you've not seen the trailer, you'd still be wasting your time.

Given the talents involved, a wasted opportunity. There are a few laugh-out-loud moments, but they are few and far between. Plenty of mileage is extracted from Liv Tyler's cleavage - that should give you an idea of the level of mentality. Not even Michael Douglas' involvement can save this from the mediocrity it aspires to.

Don't bother.