theophilegaultie Reviews

The Descent (2005)

spend your money on something enjoyable like toilet paper

[1/10 · 4 August 2006]

this film is really tedious most of it is this boring ass exposition about these grrrrl types who . . . after lots of grrrl bonding and interminable crawling around in this dark cave where you can hardly see a thing finally encounter these creepy crawlies they then fight in totally chaotic overly fast speed-ed up sequences that offer very little to the eye or brain to process....

the biggest thrill in the film is when the sort of punky lesbiana style grrrl (of course she's not a lesbian, she just looks very much like one) gets a compound fracture. fun.

plot hinges on Asian dragon grrrl whose hubris and licentiousness is everyone else's and her own undoing, respectively. it also makes little sense when she accidentally smites one of the bitches that that one in her death rattle warns the main grrrl "don't trust her! she did this to me!" and then reveals this corny piece of jewelry that goes to show something much worse, that was so obvious from the beginning of the film: dragon grrrl had been schtupfing main character's man!!!! g i v e m e a b r e a k

predictably the ending involves oriental grrrrl making a reappearance a la Carrie and all the shitty movies that have imitated the ending of Carrie since the post Carrie era

absolute crap and the grrls are so indistinguishable from one another. how were these grrrls supposed to know each other anyway, a pretty motley crew of identical women with a smattering of accents did they go to school together? did they meet at an "outward bound" thingie? we are never told how this international cast of clones ever got together.

it's just such a bore. . . I just kept thinking " I wish it were over, wish there were not ushers at the entrance to every door in this particular multiplex" total piece of garbage.

********

ALSO, yes the poster is cool, and a total ripoff of a famous piece of art, and it made me really curious to see the movie. What really bites is that the image had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FILM. I was expecting something much more interesting indeed lured by false advertising of a ripoff design. If only the film had ripped off the idea instead of only the poster!

btw It appears that the film had a different ending at some point from reading these reviews which seem to suggest that the woman never made it out of the cave. The original ending couldn't have been worse than the current one, in which abruptly the film seems to say "ok, you get to leave now, the film's over" I was more thrilled to escape the film than the character could have been to suddenly find the exit that after descending what seems like 5 miles is accessible by a little scramble of about 35 seconds. they decided to go for the "happy plus carrie" ending. as if anybody could care what happens either way. . .

And for all of you slagging British film it's not all bad. Wait till Andrea Arnold's movie comes out!!!!

The Masseur (2005)

inspired film

[10/10 · 13 July 2006]

this movie really impressed me, there's a lot going on here. the structure is extremely cunning, the manipulation of time is not pointless as with so many contemporary art films, there is a real payoff, in fact the disruption of temporal unity is here a very subtle instrument with very definite and easily understood and appreciated reasons for the film playing out this way. there are a number of unforgettable scenes and sequences, very touching ones, very clever ones, very meaningful. the basic idea of the movie is so ... daring and deep . . . the filmmakers almost revel in the poverty of budget the image quality is tenuous at times to great effect. this is not just another lurid Filipino/gay melodrama, it's not terribly titillating for that matter. it's in a higher class than the wonderful lino brocka movies, and like him the essence here is . .. a sort of dark tenderness, a sad love. fantastic film.

Meet Marlon Brando (1966)

mayles brothers gem!! Marlon is adorable if high as a kite

[26 April 2006]

the most vivid memory I have of this film is when one interviewer turns out to be this just absurdly beautiful woman, imagine like Faye dunaway in "the Thomas crown affair" she is also impeccably done up, stylishly dressed and coiffed, a real vision, and Marlon Brando can barely keep a straight face at the absurdity of this total boner giving lady trying to ask him questions it really is adorable. also I remember a funny part in which he plays very straight saying that audiences should go see the picture to make up their own minds about it, with a glint of humor so that you get the idea he's not about to express his perhaps less than ravished feelings about the film itself. he is totally brilliant and I also I believe he was very likely flying high on amphetamines given the film's vintage and the symptoms displayed! hopefully this will come as a DVD extra or something . . . cause it's very short, would be perfect as one. . .

Paranoia (1969)

fun for awhile then one looks at one's watch a lot Carroll is nude nude nude though!

[23 April 2006]

I'm surprised to read in another post that this film is mentioned in CB's autobiography. When she doesn't mention "andy Warhol's "bad"" and at least she didn't have to flash her boobs and buns in that one.

very early 70s late 60s story of psychopathic "youngsters" who turn on then torment then terminate Carroll baker. it really gets tedious but the scene in which she says she makes herself want to vomit and reads the ither two for being even more nauseating (rightly) is a kind of mini classic.

so you wait and wait for the thing to turn out and. . . at one point it looks as though there is hope for Carroll but. . . you get a little 70s skin and fashions and a nice house to look at but after 45 minutes it's all redundant and not funny enough not so bad its good enough or anything enough. CB is beautiful though, the bad girl Eva is beautiful. The other guy, well at least he's not Michael Caine, but he's only really attractive cause he's pure evil and proud. still can't get over CB doing an "Art film" (nudies! that's all they are!!!)

I suppose it gets points for it's demoralizing ending until that is revoked in a coda that follows, bringing on the credits. Honesly though I would have liked to see CB vanquishing these two evil youngsters with their Patricia Clarkson smiles.

The Dying Gaul (I) (2005)

case for euthanasia

[5 April 2006]

the one thing I did enjoy about this film was how the tiresome victim queen Buddhist cub who is constantly spouting new age-isms finally makes what is typically the most heartfelt use of them, as new agers will, as tools of aggression, when confronted by the wife he's been cuckolding. unable to say "I'm sorry" or anything so retro, speechlessly shrugging helplessly at first, until wife's tone changes, becoming accusatory, at which point he zealously spits out that old saw "You are responsible for everything that happens to you!!" meaning that her übercreepy gay husband has been talking' dirty to him, hum-pin' his thigh when he's all weepy, etc etc (ad nauseous...). That's enlightenment, if not entertainment! Ah, but wait, there's more! when wife fesses up that it is she who has messed with his head by going on AOL and pretending to be that sacred being "the lover who died of AIDS" (let's all cross ourselves now), well the next thing you know, she's responsible for cub's poisoning her with his gardening savvy, causing the death of not only her but her two kids!!!!!!! Hey, you reap what you sow (in the garden, as Chauncey would say). What goes around comes around! It's all good bro!

The writer is so disinterested in what he is actually saying/meaning/how his film might in any way reflect the real world inhabited by humans/how it might make a mockery of his philosophy, I'm supposing, from what kinda crap makes up the rest of the film, that it's my guess that the irony here is lost on him. He probably himself is terribly "new age" and felt great about keep-in the faith in this film, but couldn't resist the, you know, "drama" to be had from taking all these loose in the incontinence sense plot threads and weaving together something as lurid as he possibly could, no matter whether any of it actually makes sense in any logical/emotional way.

The whole film reminds me of that silly house they live in. Yeah wouldn't it just be lovely to have to walk down this huge flight of stairs when you arrive home after a long day. or to trudge up them on the way to work, how cool!!! Just so stupid and senseless really and calling attention to it's compositional hand. blah.

The "Hollywood references" were another of the films biggest, well, howlers. The movie is clearly meant to be the wet dream of every screen writing queen so it's "who would you like to direct?" "Gus van Sandy" and the lovers of this film would no doubt agree "one of our finest gay directors!" "well, he's read it and he's interested!" as if homophobic Gus van Sandy would ever be interested in a film about a little cub and his "lover who died of aids"!!! well, maybe he would be if as the big bad studio wants, the film is made for str8s. Then his mile high misogynistic streak could really go to town killing this woman with KS and everything else for stealing away all the hot men! (in an interview he said once "I don't like to hang out with gay guys, I like to hang out with straight guys, sometimes I score." Yeah sometimes you are pack-in lots of coke and use your clout as a movie director, sing it bitch, loud and proud you fool. Gus van Sandy is an amazing filmmaker but a total ass who would probably grovel for the dick of the first Chelsea boy or we-ho queen to offer it to him and likely does frequently just like every other Hollywood monster out there).

either Gus van Sandy or truffaut? OK whatever.

and when the guy says he might kill his wife as in "crimes in misdemeanors" you'd think the producer had never seen the film. unless wife is in a position to blackmail him, but if she is we don't know anything about it.

and we do get a sense of the auteur's disdain for violent video games, while he comes out with this garbage.

well, it's all part of that old school queen Terrence Macaulay "lisbon traviata" self loathing killing each other queens kinda thing. . . . starts to make the pseudo tough guy Gus van Sandy Wm Burroughs kinda thing look almost appealing. blah.

what's so great about Patricia Carlson anyway? casting her reminds me of Liberace's raising his piano bench to play Chopin, to give the audience to understand that "this is a high class number". She's a ham and I hate that blissed out expression she always has she's tired!

And PS is cute but the way people on here are drooling about him since Kinsey (blah) you'd think he was James dean and Jeff striker rolled into one! he's just an OK looking gay guy actor.

it's pretty funny to check out the discussions on here, people bending over backwards to preserve Robert's status as a (blah) "sympathetic character" ("maybe she didn't eat the salad maybe she crashed the car so the two men could be to getter!")

the gay audience deserves this kind of insult, that' all,. that's the sad fact. no surprise this film is like closing night at half the gay festivals. blah