adrongardner Reviews

The Matrix Resurrections (I) (2021)

Neo's Christmas Special

[6/10 · 23 December 2021]

The 90s were a mashup decade for movies. The Matrix was basically Pulp Fiction for Anime and Manga. The original movie was exciting but a lot thinner than people want to admit. The real strength was in the full execution, editing and full commitment to areas we've all been before with layers of pseudo-philosophy, slo-mo and sex-appeal.

The Reloaded and Revolutions sequels were trash. As far as I'm concerned Resurrections is a sequel only to the original and maybe not a sequel at all. There's a few ways to look at this movie.

As a Matrix Sequel? It's bad. I'd say D.

As a Sci-Fi Movie? It's better. Let's say C+.

As a Journey? Maybe best. B-.

There's not so much going on in this thing other than a 'Reunion show' but for all the thin metaverse aspirations, there really could be a movie in here someplace if we handed it off to a better editor. That said, Jessica. Henwicks Bugs is the ultimate Blue Pill. She really does anchor this one in a way the other movies lacked a charismatic rabbit. Despite all Resurrection's missteps, lost causes and wastes of time, I'm glad Bugs is here.

Resurrections isn't much more than a date movie set in the Matrix. It's all the bad parts of every Matrix movie; too much exposition, phony philosophy and hand waving action, but it doesn't seem to be trying as hard as the last two.

Cowboy Bebop (1998–1999)

Spike has an edge, but Bebop is not my jam.

[6/10 · 13 December 2021]

After 30 years of watching Anime both here and in Japan, I'm long since over deciding whether something is 'good Anime' or not. I'm kind of just looking if this is something that's just good. Why are (most) Miyazaki movies good? Because they're not just Miyazaki movies, they're just well made and well told stories. Good is good, regardless of the medium.

Cowboy Bebop came out of nowhere for a lot of western audiences, but it shouldn't have. Bebop was always built from the ground up as a riff on western themes chewed up and recooked Japanese style. It's not much different than the cycle of Jidaigeki Samurai movies from the 50s and on. Kurosawa and his contemporaries told their own 'westerns' and then the west just took those and remade them again. That's what Bebop is. It's not sci-fi, it's not action, it's not Blade Runner, it's not a western. But yeah it sort of is.

It's also not that good. I know people worship this thing like Amon Ra, but there's just not much going on in most of the episodes. I ran through all this back in college when it hit stateside and there's a handful of mood pieces here worth note, but the series at large is really just a statement about futility. And I never really felt it earned it, plus it's pretty boring. Spike is cool as heck - I love this guy - but just about everything else here save some beats, is definitely 'Anime standard'. The storytelling quality is pretty sophomoric. The ideas are there, but Bebop doesn't really take them anywhere.

Spike's malaise certainly connects with so many people, I get that, but best 'Anime' ever? Hardly. Even if it was, that's small potatoes - the best 'Anime' transcends the genre to be good for good. The Netflix remake wasn't any better, but that's the point really. The only good part of the show was John Cho because really, the only good part of the OG was Spike. This one is just not that good either.

The Godfather Part II (1974)

Macbeth the Havana years

[6/10 · 29 November 2021]

The Godfather Part II has been called the greatest sequel of all time. I'm pretty sure The Empire Strikes Back may have a thing or two to say on the topic, though, both films could probably have shared the same title.

Over the last 40 years, I have returned to watch Godfather II many times. There are cases where you get on in age and find new meaning in old art. Sometimes you decide you were wrong about a book, movie or what have you. Some things get better with age, some fond memories turn sour. I never liked Godfather II and nearly 50 years after it's release, I still don't like it. It's true to form really, because the biggest problem with Godfather II is nothing changes from the beginning to the end: Michael is a crook at the start and he's the same crook at the end. The movie has nowhere to go and instead recycles themes better played in the original because there was money to be made from rehashing a better film - one with a story and one with a much, much deeper cast of characters.

The 'plot' has some leftovers Puzo and Coppola mined from chapters in the original novel with DeNiro that aren't bad but my god the rest with Havana and Vegas is just drivel covering old territory. Fredo screwing around in Vegas is just the Johnny Fontaine story all over again. And the whole 'kiss of death' still feels silly. I think The Freshman with Broderick shows others got the joke too.

The three and a half hour running time is Coppola's ego at play from start to finish. The original Godfather was a tough film on Coppola, but sometimes that's how high art is made. The behind the scenes struggle on a median budget produced something that rose far above the source novel and even the producers aspirations. It cannot be over-sold how important Marlon Brando was to that film and film history at large. Brando was at the height of his art, running point guard with a bunch of hungry kids in the championship game. The sequel feels like a foul-line finish with high school bench-warmers in comparison. And even with De Niro on board, to repeat it, not much happens in Godfather II. Every time I have had this conversation over the decades - people have always said the same thing to me "but Michael kills his brother!". Look, I love John Cazale, but if you even saw the end of the first film, you watch as Michael calmly escorts his brother-in-law to be murdered. The man is carted away kicking his last breath through a windshield - and so Fredo's death is no surprise. We've been here already. Less is more and we know by the end Michael Corleone will do literally anything . It's all right there in Kay's face in the final frame of the original - and that's how less is more and indeed filmmaking work best: Show, don't tell. There's sooooo much talking and grandiose Pacino pronouncements in Godfather II by comparison, scenes carry no weight and I never cared who lived or died in the beginning or the end.

Godfather II is also a case-in-point for the career-long problems with Francis Ford Coppola not as a 'filmmaker' but more as a poor storyteller. As grand and highfalutin his films may reach in vision, the story is often nowhere to be found. He has occasionally rejected the common dramatic structures, but I've yet to see him do better. In recent years it seems that Coppola came to this same realization and has pulled the George Lucas Special Edition job on both Apocalypse Now and Godfather III. Even if improvements could be made, I'm in the camp of "What's done cannot be undone." let the films be a product of their time and place. Make new stories, don't rehash old loves. Coppola has said that Godfather III was about regret. I would argue that covers a number of the films he has made. For me, Godfather II is the most specific example.

Just as Macbeth says, "Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing."

No Time to Die (2021)

Escape from maLAise

[5/10 · 11 November 2021]

"If you're important, people will wait." - Chili Palmer

We've been here before. There and back again. But how many more laps can we do in the silver Aston and Snake Plisken viruses?

Pushing 20 years as Bond, Daniel Craig really only made two Bond films. Casino Royale and Skyfall. And only one of those was genuinely good. Brosnan was dismissed too early after a string Moonrakers and Craig got a free pass for so many Never Say Never Agains. Casino Royale struck nearly the best balance of the absurd and awesome and from there it was downhill. Skyfall never really worked without Connery in Scotland at the end, but it could have been worse as we subsequently saw. While Quantum of Solace was basically nothing, Sam Mendes was wrong from the get-go and thankfully fired after the abominable Spectre. A movie so awful and wasteful, but perhaps the right title for his entire turn as Bond. The specter of the Craig bond was Bourne from an Identity crisis.

Daniel Craig was - to say it out loud - hired as reaction to Jason Bourne and the Bourne Identity. That first Bourne movie scratched the itch we had been looking for all these years. And Casino Royale was effectively James Borne or Jason Bond, going both back to the source Ian Flemming material and giving us a top-notch modern boom romp. But the series never really got off the ground after that. Vesper Lind has been a curse for the Craig years because she ensured it was the peak for Bond as a character in Royale - something not seen since On Her Majesty's Secret Service. In the end, the curse of having to produce a movie every two or three years backfires again. Not only could this movie have used another year in the script oven - it turns out it could have happened anyway thanks to being delayed a year because of COVID-19.

Make new memories. People will wait for something good and that's how we got Casino Royale. The rush to produce sequels has killed many franchises. Recently The Rise of Skywalker and now this 'final' turn for the post-modern Bond prove yet again there's no reason to rush to the end because for something this grand, to make something good, you have all the time in the world.

Zack Snyder's Justice League (2021)

It's actually sort of four hours of ok

[6/10 · 20 March 2021]

I was tired of of the super hero loop 15 years ago. Marvel movies have done just as much to kill movie theaters as COVID-19 because unless you were making a Avengers tie-in, your move likely would never be made. DC took the bait too. The OG Justice League movie was a real pile of you-now-what. I hated it. DC has been gifted so many rich characters and they were all trashed.

Marvel can't tell a story to save their lives. It's all mime. Thor is Superman. Quicksilver is The Flash. Iron Man is Batman. Tony Stark is Bruce Wayne.Thanos is Darkseid. It goes on and on. But DC didn't respect the history and power of their own characters and chased the money of mystery box of the week marvel scams to a absolute dumpster fire of Justice League with Whedon's reboot.

I was a skeptic of all skeptics because I think the only good movie Zack Snyder has made was Man of Steel. A lot of that was in the tone set by Christopher Nolan. But after four hours, even thou this isn't really a 'good; movie, I have to say there are 'good' things in this movie.

The Snyder cut has a torrent of good scenes and ideas of a half dozen other movies that didn't get made. This isn't really about a two hour movie expanded to four hours. Snyder's cut is more about 5 movies cut DOWN to four hours.

Batman and Superman are basically on cameo status, which is fine as they dominated the previous dour entry. And despite the fact that Chris Terrio's wiring still isn't any good, there's real gains here. Wonder Woman actually instills wonder. The Flash tugs at the heart strings. Most of all Cyborg takes on dimensions of a character we wish we knew more of. Ray Fisher's character is so much more here and could be EVEN MORE if DC got their act together with real writers.

So there's some great stuff. There's some real surprises. There's dimensions. But the movie still suffers from it's entire premise of chasing the Avengers.

Note to anybody building DC properties into films: Never chase Marvel. The real gold is in front of you. Let your characters breathe because they have the richest stories of all. There's a hint of that here.

The Big Chill (1983)

A cruise to nowhere

[7/10 · 23 January 2021]

The Big Chill is a Woody Allen movie with real people and better music.

Larry Kasdan's boomer epic would have no teeth at all without the Motown backbeat, but we hang on to the end even though there's no destination at all.

It always felt like The Big Chill was a peek into Harrison Ford's college reunion and it still feels that way in 2020. We're just hanging out on the Falcon adrift of purpose but with the coffee talk of a jail cell in Rio Bravo. Without the soundtrack the movie would be dead in the water, but the Stones and the Band are just as much a character here as they are in a Scorsese piece, placing us into a time and place not only in history but in the mid-life malaise of the entire crowd.

Are the best days behind or ahead? Nobody here has come to terms with either yet, but it feels in the end as if even though a friend has died, there's a lot of life left to live. Even if Kevin Costner's part was dead in the water, save the cufflinks, the movie may have no purpose, no compass and no plot - it still has a pulse and that's just enough to make it survive.

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

No gray little cells were used in the making of this story

[4/10 · 14 October 2018]

Kenneth Branagh somehow got away with murder here because as both star and director, he drains the life from the vibrant Belgian Hercule Poirot and an infamous case that can't seem to have enough remakes. This one is enough.

I have no idea what Branagh was thinking. The movie is poorly made, full of ridiculously phony CGI backgrounds, terrible acting - this cannot be understood - and an ever-present blanket of boredom. No tension, no intrigue and no depth to character. If you want to watch this instead of properly read the original story, there are no less than four or five choices ranging from superb to passable. This is one to pass, to forget and ultimately to avoid at all costs.

David Suchet and Branagh were both Shakespearian trained and I always thought Branagh got a free pass in most of the Shakespeare productions he gained notoriety for. Suchet, in contrast, has always disappeared into his parts unlike Branagh who seems to only talk louder and only worked to amplified himself. This movie proves that point. Branagh plays Poirot, indeed the whole thing for a joke - and that is a great disservice to rich material such as this.

Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)

The Force does not belong to you

[9/10 · 28 December 2017]

Return of the Jedi was the very first movie I saw in a theater and while starting at the (at that time) end may have not been the best start, what is really? Every Star Wars movie can be somebody's first Star Wars movie. Since very little was accomplished in The Force Awakens other than introducing a few new characters, The Last Jedi proves itself in numerous ways to be the actual sequel to Return of the Jedi.

Since release, I have seen The Last Jedi five times. It gets better with every viewing. Characters feel better fleshed out, ideas are significantly bigger and deeper than anything in The Force Awakens or the Prequels and there's a far bigger personal stamp on the film from the director than anything since Empire for me. It wasn't a big surprise to see the "blow back" from some people who didn't like the film as it wouldn't be a true Star Wars film without fan reprisals against a Star Wars film.

If you think the Last Jedi, the Prequels or Return of the Jedi ruined your childhood - because in 40 years I've heard all of that, go make your own movie. That's exactly how Star Wars came about in the first place. Star Wars may live in your imagination, but it doesn't belong to you. And if you can't cope with the reality on film after 34 years of waiting I have nothing for you. Nothing made me happier than Rian Johnson trashing J.J. Abrams hollow mysteries, copy-cat characters and dead end narratives he made a career doing since Alias, Lost, Star Trek and Super 8 all the way into the Force Awakens (which is a dead in the water remake), in favor of something more original and nuanced. If you don't like it, you should just go make your own movies. That's exactly what George Lucas did when he realized HIS Flash Gordon couldn't be made - he went off and made Star Wars instead.

In his own words:

"I realized that Flash Gordon is like anything you do that is established," he says. "That is, you start out being faithful to the original material, but eventually it gets in the way of the creativity. I realized that Flash Gordon wasn't the movie I wanted to do; if I had done it, I would've had to have Ming the Merciless in it-and I didn't want to have Ming the Merciless. I decided at that point to do something more original. I knew I could do something totally new. I wanted to take ancient mythological motifs and update them-I wanted to have something totally free and fun, the way I remembered space fantasy." "

Excerpt From: J.W. Rinzler & Peter Jackson. "The Making of Star Wars (Enhanced Edition)."

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

If Christopher Nolan decided to make a bad film on purpose this is it

[6/10 · 15 October 2017]

Blade Runner 2049 is the slowest, most beautiful train wreck I've seen in years. The sound design and cinematography are just masterful with a story so pompous and boring it might have fallen out of missing pieces of Battlefield Earth.

Dennis Villeneuve's movie certainly looks and sounds the part, but it's trying to play someone else's music that was mostly an accident to begin with. This is a deliberate, austere film where nearly every single scene goes on for about 10 minutes longer than it needs to. People walk slowly ALL THE TIME for no reason. And yet at nearly three hours running length, Blade Runner 2049 manages to tell us nothing at all.

Despite the narrative lapses - and the original had similar story problems itself - this aural and visual odyssey absolutely immerses you in a world. Yet interiors are over-lit and the production design is occasionally lifeless. When the credits roll and you walk out of the theater, there's an odd feeling when you don't see giant fluorescent Kana signs and endless streams of rain. At some subconscious level, Roger Deakins and all those Katkana signs own you lock stock and barrel. The film is so visually correct and so audibly satisfying, you'd swear Christopher Nolan had a hand in it all and decided to make a terrible and goofy mystery almost as dare or a joke.

Know what you are getting yourself into when you buy a ticket to Blade Runner 2049. The movie goes from stunning feast to laughable drivel in a moments notice, time and time again - for three hours. It's best seen - perhaps ONLY seen - on IMAX and I'll probably never watch it again, but should you pay the price and take the ride? I'd say: yes.

Aliens (1986)

"Why don't you put her in charge?!"

[10/10 · 4 January 2017]

Aliens is James Cameron's best movie. At least the theatrical cut.

While I have soft spots for Terminator and T2, I like the Abyss more than most, Aliens is the best movie he will ever make. The Extended edition isn't really worse per say, but there is a distinct lack of suspense and mystery by the time we arrive at Hadleys Hope.

Not only is this James Cameron's best movie, this could be one of the greatest, if not top tier, of all action science fiction movies ever done. Sigourney Weaver, Carrie Henn, the cast of Marines and even Lance Henrikson have so much personality to carry the story which actually doesn't amount to much. You don't care and you don't have to because the people, not necessarily the Aliens, really do carry this one.

Even with some kind of low budget and an apparently antagonistic film crew could stop this from being awesome. I know there's some admirable things for the first movie. Stylistically, Alien still holds up. While it may not be a cucumber sand which, Alien still does not hold a candle to its sequel. Aliens is suspenseful, supremely constructed kinetic entertainment that never leaves you bored. There really isn't an Alien franchise. There's just Aliens and the other movies. Game over man.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

Clone Wars

[6/10 · 16 December 2016]

This is the biggest fan fiction job ever pulled off.

And sometimes it works. I mean, if you're OK for constant self-aware fan jokes and CG people, then this is your movie. Rogue One is wish fulfillment that will carry it for a few weekends at the box office, but will fade more or less as quickly as any of the prequel movies. And let's just say it, if you're going to do a cheezo prequel for Star Wars, this is all you need really. But does it work as it's own movie? Not really. It might as well have been a two hour episode of the Clone Wars TV show.

Aside from the non-stop call outs, the trove of interesting characters and fantastic actors portraying them, are mostly forgotten very quickly in the second half of the movie. We get the perfunctory space and land battle but little else. Wen Jiang and Donnie Yen as the Star Wars Zatoichi were crying for more screen time and I hope someday they get their own deserved movie. While the computer generated actors feel really bad to me, and I cringed every single time they came up on screen, KS the Droid really works. In fact, his physical performance and effervescent humor carry large portions of the film when the actors are going through the motions.

I'm glad if you enjoyed what amounted to two hours of wish fulfillment and curtain calls. But Rogue One was also a missed opportunity for a true Star Wars Gaiden, a side story of it's own.

Arrival (II) (2016)

All Good Things...

[6/10 · 7 December 2016]

Very well made overall and I went in completely unspoiled. The language stuff was highly fascinating because it felt really new and like a genuine exploration of some powerful questions.

However.

This thing has gotta be looked at for being one of the all-time rip offs. By the middle when it became obvious what narrative convention they were using, I actually shouted out "She's Desomond!" in the theater. If you have seen Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "All Good Things..." or its sister episode of Lost "The Constant," you've already seen this movie.

Great performances and pretty solid if you haven't watched science fiction television the past 20 years, but my god, it's a rip off.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Bitchy Resting Face: The Movie

[1/10 · 26 March 2016]

Everybody is Grumpy Cat in this movie. Except without the ensuing laughs. If Lego Movie was about how Everything is Awesome, Dawn of Justice was about how in life, Everything is Awful.

Nothing in the $250 Million and two and a half hours of "movie" moves anything. It's a preposterous act of stasis and inconsequence. The movie was not so much directed as flushed directly to theaters from a mulch of half digested junk food. You can imagine every scene was stitched together with Metallica's Nothing Else Matters playing on loop for the editor's iPod.

The acting is terrible, the writing was terrible and most of all the movie was just boring. There's a lot of people talking about how awesome Wonder Woman was, but that's simply not true. Everybody is bad in this. Gal Gadot did just as bad with her few terrible lines. She was just much more interesting to watch do a bad job than everybody else doing a bad job or maybe because for three seconds, she sort of smiles and we all bask in that small ray of joy.

I mean, nothing works in this thing. The whole concept is flawed. Lex Luthor and Bruce Wayne are the exact same archetype of rich orphans but instead of drawing contrasts, Zach Snyder just lays on the redundancy thick. I'm not even mad really, just sad. By the end, I too had caught the bitchy resting face infecting every other character in the movie.

There are probably other things I could say but it's hard to write something more insightful when nothing in the movie mattered at all.

Spectre (I) (2015)

Bond 24 alternate title: Contractual Obligations

[5/10 · 23 January 2016]

The villain in Spectre will be played by Sam Mendes a director I have sort of despised from anything he's ever done. Sure Skyfall was boring, but by the end, you realize Spectre might as well be porridge.

Spectre is the most lifeless action film I have ever seen and it also manages to be a bad Bond film too. If you can find me a sleepier car chase or shoot out, I'll buy you a coke. And that opening song? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!

Somewhere in this movie there is a genuinely worthwhile story of loss and revenge on the part of Bond connecting to casino Royale, but all is wasted. Spectre cares not about entertainment or character development. Spectre doesn't even care about product placement or Aston Martins. To be honest, I don't even know why Spectre exists. From start to finish, the movie is a song continually out of tune and contemptuous of its audience.

Daniel Craig has some mileage left in him and even after all these movies, I really believe Bond has something to say about the world and the current time he exists in. Hopefully the next go-around is more thoughtful. I'm beside myself how omniscient and invisible everything turned out.

Sam Mendes, perhaps apply as a director for an episode of Grey's Anatomy where your "talents" are of more use.

The Hateful Eight (2015)

65mm can also amplify mediocrity

[5/10 · 9 January 2016]

Spoiler Alert: Size of the film negative does not adversely result in better movies!! Plenty of trash was made on 65mm over the years and Hateful Eight is now one of those.

I got the joke pretty quickly. We are watching one of Tarantino-world's western shows. But instead of twenty minutes of tight plotting, it goes on for three hours. Hey look it's bad TV! But we used HUGE cameras this time!!!!

And the "twist" ain't there. There isn't one folks. You sort of figuratively lean in for three hours waiting for the final denouement but there isn't one.

Forget "racial" context or social commentary. There isn't any. Don't give QT that much credit. Saying Hateful Eight is a commentary on the Civil War is like saying Transformers is a comment on the Civil War. This thing is a complete mess in many ways and if it was merely 90 minutes, there COULD be a movie to almost laugh off. But no, there's nothing here. All they do is beat the living sh** out of Jennifer Jason Leigh for three hours and then the credits roll.

The real twist is, QT got you to pay for it. Not falling for that one again...

The Revenant (I) (2015)

"it's real but it's not interesting"

[6/10 · 8 January 2016]

You will hear a lot about how difficult the filmmaking process (though it was not shot on film, but digital) was in The Revenant. You will hear a lot about the length the actors, director and crew went to make things real. But to quote Jack Nicholson quote Stanley Kubrick:

"Jack, it's real but it's not interesting."

There's a lot of good work from every member of the cast and crew of the show here. I commend them all on their fine work. But I did not identify with anybody except Arthur Redcloud's Hikuc, and even then, his appearance is all too brief. This movie would be easier to review if there was more wrong with it, but I cannot offer some academic or faux intellectual retort. My personal criticism is just that, personal. And my personal opinion was I simply did not feel invested in any of the characters in the movie or what they went through.

Instead of a journey, surviving to the predictable end feels like a slog. And when it was all over. I really didn't feel anything for anybody. Maybe it's just me. I'll accept that.

Iñnaritu is a master of despair, but he isn't a dramatist and Revenant hasn't advanced his craft.

If you are interested in films about the trials of survival or snowy mindscapes, try "Touching the Void." The tonally similar, and far more contrived, "The Gray" is another one I would rather watch. I just found myself far more invested in watching Liam Neeson face off with a wolf than Leo sleep in a horse carcass.

Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai (2011)

Unnecessary, but comes with a few slices of power

[7/10 · 27 December 2015]

Let's get this out of the way.

Kobayashi's hard hitting "Harakiri" is a masterpiece. It's one of the great pieces of not only Japanese cinema, but also one of the best movies of the 20th century. While I'm disappointed the film was remade at all, and surprised it came from Miike, there are still good things to be found here. To my surprise, for the most part, this is a good movie and in very small quantities, there are some true moments of greatness. Even if they are very short.

A good deal of the original film's grit is lost for most of this go around. The cinematography is over-lit and the pacing falls into lulls. But survive to the end and you will be rewarded as the final irony is quite powerful. I mean, no spoilers from me, but even with the cheesy fake snow, I have to say, Ebizô Ichikawa's powerful presence won me over and he truly wins the day when the time calls for it.

I was never too crazy about all the Kurosawa remakes of the 60s and 70s. Fistful of Dollars always felt like a cheap knock-off, because it is. The Magnificent Seven was sort of a tolerable chuckle. Kurosawa's films were so human, almost populist, because of their themes, his work was ripe for remake, reboot or even plagiarism. Only Star Wars seemed to get the joke and succeed in being something different than a pure Hidden Fortress copy. Kobayashi's Harakiri seemed to escape the trend for so long because of the subject matter - even the title! But here we are. There is still something not right about this "remake," but MIike gets it right in the end, even if never needed to be done in the first place.

Gone Girl (2014)

Presumed Fatal Bound Innocent Attraction.

[3/10 · 25 December 2015]

The book was terrible and the movie is just as bad.

How such a blatant and amateurish rip from Scott Turow's Presumed Innocent and even a dash of Agatha Christie's Endless Night ever found an audience, is beyond me.

Look even if the story is drivel and the plot is a giant gaping hole of "no F****ng way!" the real problem with this heap is the actors. I never believed for one second Pike and Affleck. Not only do they lack any chemistry dramatically, I'm wondering if Fincher ever bothered to do second takes. Every freaking scene in this "thriller" plays so flat. The movie looks flat, it is acted flat and even when you're laughing at how plot holes make the Death Star look like Science Fact, you're falling asleep.

So yes, it's trash. It's a massive rip off of a genuinely good mystery/legal boiler novel. But yeah, I just didn't believe any of it. Fincher was on auto pilot. Pike was annoying and Affleck looks like a CGI puppet for two and a half hours.

Even if you're fascinated by what drives infidelity, this movie has nothing real to say on the subject other than women are plotting, bloodletting liars and men are philandering victims. There's far better trash out there to eat two hours and some popcorn than this steamer. Gone girl should stay gone.

Fincher gave up years ago. After four consecutive duds, I'm not touching anything with his name on it again.

Inherent Vice (2014)

Promise of Vice. Inherent boredom.

[6/10 · 24 November 2015]

Watching people do drugs is never interesting.

Paul Thomas Anderson is in love with words, but while the man may have an ear, he has no timing at all. Much like The Master, a better film is in here somewhere, but this isn't quite it. Paul Thomas Anderson's stab at a Cohen Brother and David Lynch movie doesn't pay off, the laughs don't come and only Josh Brolin looks like he's having any fun.

As much as the twisted, and ultimately disposable "plot," zigs and zags I wished I had taken a nap half way through. By the end, I wouldn't have missed a thing. In fact, once you've passed the brothel and we wake up in the desert, there's not much left to see. Except maybe Martin Short.

Juaquin Phoenix inhabits what seems to be of Hunter Thompson's lost Doppelgängers in the form of PI "Doc," in search of all sorts of stuff. There's Owen Wilson eating pizza and Brolin eating weed and boy does this movie want to be funny, but most of the time it isn't.

The camera lingers far too long just like most of those terrible Family Guy jokes. Phoenix is quite good most of the time - as is just about everybody - but despite the Inherent Zaniness, the movie just can't connect. Nothing really digs in to you. As far as seedy LA, subversive Valley yarns it's all here by name. The drugs, the violence, the sex. But you never feel it.

Vice has never been so boring

Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

Better than most, but could have been better

[7/10 · 4 August 2014]

Marvel is their own worst enemy. Any ideas in this movie that were good, and there were more than most of thee Marvel movies, they don't get any credit for them. All claps go to James Gunn, his actors and his Chewbacca/Han Solo destroying duo of Rocket and Groot. Yes I said it. Give those two their own movie already.

I've seriously lost count how many times we have seen this battle fortress ending in a movie, let alone Marvel movies. Yes yet another movie with a flying fortress air ship battle lifted from Return of the Jedi. Look Jedi was the first movie I ever saw. It is burned into my head when I saw it more than 30 years ago and it made this type of action finale what it is today and at this point, there is no reason to do it again. But Marvel keeps digging it up. I don't even give two clasps about Thanos this or Ronan that gobbledygook garbage. That stuff is clearly pushed into the script in heavy portions by the Marvel heads when Gunn was clearly onto something all by himself. There are many many other ways to end a movie without that freaking cliché, but I guess the CG for this stuff is prefab. Despite all these misgivings, the movie does succeed.

The ridiculous Ronan seems lifted directly from Animal House's Neidermeyer, the movie really lacks any sense of suspense but the exchanges of the Guardians anchor the movie with Mo- Town and 70s pop muzak. Somewhere in there is a better movie without air fortress battles and "there's to many of them" quotes lifted from Star Wars, but you'll laugh enough to pay for the ticket.

Edge of Tomorrow (2014)

All you need is Keiji

[8/10 · 8 June 2014]

Edge of Tomorrow is a terrible title.

But it is an awesome movie.

I'm one of those jaded moviegoers who has seen everything in nearly 40 years. I even read the original Sakurazaka novella and was expecting a horror show. I don't even like Tom Cruise, but darn it, I honest to goodness enjoyed the heck out of this movie.

Is it flawed? Of course it is! The opening premise is shaky. I just can't side with Hollywood replacing Japanese characters with bankable names like Cruise and Cage should be Keiji and played by a Japanese actor. But I'm going to let this stuff pass. Emily Blunt was tough as nails - and that's been a hard sell for Hollywood. Tough women - Linda Hamilton tough - haven't been handled well by the studios and that's not saying the women aren't out there. Blunt pulls off the famous red warrior with ease. I'll even say it - Cruise does a good job, however, I still cringe when proper story and characters are buried in favor of the same old faces.

And then there's that ending ripped right from Pacific Rim. We know it's coming. Even when i finished the novella, I knew it would never fly in Hollywood. That and it's quite a bit more complicated. Or maybe Liman filmed it all but the test audiences hated it. There's no telling. But I still enjoyed the ride.

Basically: Slaughterhouse Five + Groundhog Day + Pacific Rim + Elysium = Edge of Tomorrow. The movie is - literally - about ten movies you have already seen 1000 times. And it is awesome.

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Slaughterhouse X-Five: or How to save us all from Disney's trash

[9/10 · 23 May 2014]

Logan has come unstuck in time and he's out to set right what Brett Ratner put very, very wrong. I hope Disney never acquires all the Marvel properties, because if they do, good stories like this will never see the light of day. All Disney Marvel movies consist of pantomime passing as action and flying fortress defense contract builders posing as villains. There are no people in Disney Marvel movies, only rubber suits and cardboard cut-outs.

The Avengers was just Transformers. Thor was boring. I can't even recall Captain America and Iron Man 3 was probably the worst movie made in the last ten years. Sony isn't guiltless. Sure these new Spiderman movies are boring and soulless, but Disney is taking the Brett Ratner blow torch approach to everything they touch. The house of the Mouse cares only to serve up toy licensing on the cheap, employing shoddy stories, bad actors and TV directors. Days of Futures Past on the other hand is a pro job. It's made with a degree of dramatic vision, written well and acted impeccably from a true ensemble.

The first twenty minutes in Days of Future Past are a little clunky. There's so much story to put into motion, the script almost can't handle it. Soon enough, we meet Quicksliver and it's a lark from there on out. While everybody does pretty good, it's Michael Fassbender and the utterly peerless James McAvoy who anchor this film from start to finish. Sure it's a great story, but much like the last go-around, these two titans carry this film part and parcel to the very end. And boy is there an quadrilateral equine whopper at the end.

You simply cannot, and I wager will not, ever see this caliber of acting from any Disney Marvel property ever. Comic books were never truly about monsters, flying fortresses, bulletstorms or magic. In fact the best were always allegory. Marvel never had the big names like Batman and Superman, but they had super heroes, mutants or titans struggling with the same basic things we all do: loss, responsibility, love and doubt. I'm glad to see the team behind Days of Future Past realized that underneath all the rubber suits, even a mutant can be human.

Watchmen (2009)

Large order of Snyder, hold the Apocaloctopus

[5/10 · 11 May 2014]

It walks and talks like Watchmen, but somehow this is not Watchmen

Look I'm no defender of Zack Snyder - I'm not sure if he's ever made a good movie at all. But as a distant fan of the original story, against all complaints and bias I really wanted this movie to succeed.

It doesn't.

There are a lot of arguments to be made, the biggest is naturally - Can Watchmen even translate to a movie? The question goes unanswered. If there is a good Watcmen movie to be made, this absolutely is NOT it.

A person could sit down with a checklist as Snyder's Watcmen unfolds and click off all the things from the original story that should be in this movie. Well low and behold, just about everything is in there, of course omitting the Apocalyptic Octopus. Believe it or not, I didn't even mind about the ending, but somehow, it's all pantomime and with the exception of two unquestionably fantastic performances, the end product is utterly soulless and thoroughly vapid.

It's hard to pinpoint what went wrong because the cast is almost there. I really have to applaud most of the players, particularly Haley as Rorschach and Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Unfortunately Malin Akerman and Patrick Wilson aren't up to snuff and I never bought into their characters. Top it off that they are saddled with a laughably terrible sex scene - sure it's "in the book" - but seemingly feels recycled from Snyder's 300 with crappier music.

If I was some great Captain Hindsight, I could point out everything Snyder did wrong. But I can't do it. Just like the graphic novel, this all reads great on paper, but what's on screen is just unbelievably boring and forgettable. Alan Moore created a real allegorical page turner with Watchmen, but on screen, this is just a snoozer.

Is it terrible? No, but there's really no downside to not watching it.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

Green Goblin is all hairspray

[5/10 · 1 May 2014]

Heavy handed, transparent, boring and redundant.

This is the state of every single super hero movie released in the last few years. Somehow, the Amazing Spiderman 2 manages to up the ante in every department. I don't even remember what I saw after two and a half hours.

This movie is more heavy handed, more transparent and more boring than just about any I can think of. A fan only of the first Raimi job, these Webb movies in particular, are utterly soulless. Garfield isn't bad, but he's not that interesting. It could be because he's not on screen doing a whole lot other than spilling his faux emotional state of mind all the time, or that he's just not a good actor. I can't decide.

Jamie Foxx is good but Green Goblin is just abominable, just awful.

I'm going to end it there, there's nothing left to tell.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Disposable and the decline of the movie theater

[3/10 · 6 April 2014]

This is in the running for best of the recent Marvel movies. That's not saying much. But give Disney credit. They finally figured out how to make money off all the Marvel properties - target the 7-year-old kid. I think If I was 7 years old, I would totally be into it. But the fact is, I'm not seven anymore. I've seen enough large machines falling out of skies and exploding. I've seen enough people firing redundant waves of machine gun bullets and not hitting anything. I've seen enough double cross plots explained in the first 5 minutes. I've seen enough of all of these things for good. All these movies are exactly the same. They are filmed quick and dirty just like sit-com TV shows with the perfunctory special effects we have all seen before. Low and behold, Winter Solider is actually directed by TV directors too.

Sure Winter Solider is sorta making money, but it's a far cry of what movies consistently made 10 and 15 years ago. On the whole, the movie industry is evaporating and movies like this are the reason, Cyborg bad guy? Evil white suit running the show? Car wrecks? Slow motion? This is all seemingly off topic, but stuff like this movie aren't even worth writing a review for. What do you talk about really? Acting, plot or cinematography? Come on. I've seen this movie at least 10 times a year for the past 30 years, there will always be youngsters out there to see it for the first time, and good for them but for the rest of us all the good stuff is now on HBO, FX and AMC. It's a sad decline of the cinema experience, but I have a better time in front of my 65 inch TV and blu ray player at home.

If you really need to get out of the house and turn off, well this movie will do it. But I don't remember anything in there I saw other than all the explosions and gunfire we've seen millions of times before -literally.

I guess you could do worse, but pay for McDonalds and don't expect real food.