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Reviews
The UFO Conspiracy (2004)
Informative with a strange, religious agenda
The first three quarters of this UFO documentary runs fairly straight forward, giving a broad overview of the UFO phenomena with various well documented cases. The last quarter of this film, however, turns the issues toward the Judeo-Christian realm, making scriptural arguments for extraterrestrials and the UFO phenomena as demonic events and entities. I'm not really sure who the intended target audience was for this film. There are much better UFO docs to watch that don't contain a Christian bias. That being said, this isn't a poorly produced film by any means, but be aware that the primary message of this film seems to be that aliens and related phenomena should be treated as Biblically evil. Probably not the best mentality to have when greeting foreign visitors. It has a painfully narrow, archaic Inquisition feel. I found it curious, and a bit sad, that these people felt a desperate need to squish the UFO phenomena into their religious belief system. Perhaps it could best be summed up as a case study in the small mindedness of man.
Van Helsing (2016)
Mostly Grunting and Sobbing
If you enjoy your series loaded with endless grunting and sobbing, then this is the show for you! The show itself is fairly low-budget, in a bad way, and it feels, looks and behaves really cheap. Overall, it's a very mediocre show, with the low end of mediocre everything. The only thing in abundance is the grunting and sobbing (which must have been free!) so everyone got their boots filled with grunts and sobs! I haven't tried watching this with the sound turned off, but that might help it. To be honest, this show isn't terrible, but it's not good either. Recommended only for those who dream of stuffing their brains with an extremely economical tasting, All-U-Can-Eat Grunt Buffet! Fill yer boots, lads! Git yer hog on and grunt up!
It Comes at Night (2017)
Needs a Completely Different Title, Like: "THE SICKNESS"
"It Comes at Night" should really be renamed to something like, "The Sickness".
I was hoping for some kind of creature feature, which this movie is not. A huge failing of the title is the massive misdirection. Just to be clear, this is not a monster movie and nothing comes at night.
For the most part, I enjoyed this movie, although a large part of me kept wondering when the spooky monsters would appear. The film does a great job of building, and sustaining, tension. Atmosphere and setting are good. Acting is competent. Cinematography, lighting, etc. are all nicely done. Even the pacing is good.
The story revolves around a mysterious "sickness" that has presumably crippled civilization and we are introduced to a small cast of characters struggling to survive the epidemic. That's about it. This could have been a great film, but it's just ok, slightly better than average. Most of that blame can fall squarely on the marketing department for trying to sell something that is not what it claims.
Is "The Sickness" worth watching? I think so. Especially if you go into it thinking that the title of the film is "The Sickness".
The Beyond (2017)
Unwatchable
Truly unwatchable. This is a terrible piece of film making. It comes across as so utterly unconvincing that you feel like you're standing in a corner of the film set watching the actors rehearse endlessly, hoping for that one good take that never comes. My eyeballs gave up after 20 minutes, right about the same time my ears refused to send any more horrible dialogue to my brain. It'a not interesting, not funny, not clever, and not competent, You're better off spending 10 minutes reading reviews of this movie than trying to watch this mess of a movie.
Synchronicity (2015)
Great Atmosphere
This is a very watchable time-travel movie, with strong atmosphere and a small, competent cast. The cast and crew have done a marvelous job stretching a small budget into a very good looking and compelling tale. While not as good as "Primer", Synchronicity carries itself well. With the help of a remarkably good retro-synth score, and generous amounts of haze, "Synchronicty" feels quite immersive. It keeps things relatively uncomplicated and lets the viewer enjoy the experience. The story moves at a slow, but steady pace. If you're looking to time-travel 101 minutes into the future, watching Synchronicity is a good way to get yourself there.
Fallout: Revelation (2016)
Impressive Effort
Whether you're a fan of Bethesda's Fallout or new to the post-apocalyptic wasteland of the Fallout universe, FALLOUT: REVELATIONS is an entertaining jaunt into the fractured ruins of a future America long after the bombs have dropped. The plot centers around a mysterious artifact, the remaining residents of Vault 15, and the nefarious Enclave. Good performances all around from the cast, and the crew did an excellent job of fleshing out the Fallout world with believable sets, props, and costumes. It would be great to see this picked up as a legitimate series, if Bethesda could reach an agreement with Netflix, Hulu, Amazon or any of the networks. With a built in fan-base from the Fallout franchise, a dedicated TV series would be a welcome addition to the world of Fallout. Hopefully the team from Mechanical Cake Productions will get the recognition and resources they deserve.
Definitely worth watching.
Twin Peaks: The Return (2017)
Experimental Art House Film Toffee That Sticks to Your Tooth
This show will give you cavities.
It's difficult to rate this television experience. I was not expecting tooth decay, but there it was, right at the end of each episode.
Twin Peaks feels like extra sticky toffee made from beef jerky. Makes my jaw sore after 30 minutes of chewing. Sometimes all that chewin' gives me the headaches.
Much like an avant-garde art gallery exhibition, or some experimental art house film festival, Twin Peaks leaves you with questions.
If you enjoy slow, weird, visually interesting, small town/small brain dense, general strangeness, give it a try.
If this review makes no sense to you, skip Twin Peaks season 3 entirely.
Alien: Covenant (2017)
The Man-Bride of the Space Island of Dr. Moreau
Instead of having Danny McBride I wish they had Danny Glover, running around with his service revolver saying directly to the camera, "I'm too old for this sh*t."
I enjoyed this movie. It was better than Etheus-Prom Stars. It felt like it was assembled by a team of janitors sent to mop up the mess Prometheus made.
Fassbender was brilliant. The art department gets an A+. The script was... meh. The characters were paper puppets who only became interesting while dying. At least fans of the Aliens franchise have prequel films to rival Jar-jar's trilogy! So that's good. Hopefully Giger's aliens will get sent to Naboo to space rape the Gungans in an epic Star Wars / Alien crossover. Then fans of both franchises can rejoice.
Covenant came across as 3 or 4 separate movies aptly Frankenstein-ed together. Clunky and sloppy but able to shuffle along at a decent pace for 2 hours.
I realized that Papa Ridley's films need a strong, smart, tight script in order to be great films, otherwise they turn into visually interesting (but boring) non-sense. There's enough good stuff in Covenant to make it worth watching, and I think that might be the saddest thing about this movie, that it was so close to being a great film. So close. Finished in 56th place.
Since there are now 8 films in the franchise, I guess technically they're all in the top ten.
Final verdict 56/100
The Counselor (2013)
Meat Puppet Thunderbirds in Cyborg Crime Drama Assimilation Experiment
Know what this film reminded me of? Remember that crazy marionette TV show Thunderbirds? This film was meat puppet Thunderbirds. Every time any actor in this film opened their wooden mouths, the writer would force Stephen Hawking's robot voice to babble out some first year philosophical observation and/or quandary. Don't bother trying to tell any of the characters apart, because they're all woodenly identical. The Borg successfully assimilated every actor in this high production value, stylish movie with such totality that you won't care what happens to any of the wooden robots that clunk their way through this tired story. It's like the writer hooked up two chat-bots to his typewriter to generate all the dialogue.
Top marks here for cinematography, lighting, production design and editing. Mediocre story. Characters? Well, there's just one character in this movie and it's all Borg (and if you listen really hard you'll hear them droning on and on about how resistance is futile and you will be assimilated.)
The best scenes in this movie are the ones without dialogue because they actually say the most ;)
How to Sell a Banksy (2012)
Christopher Thompson's Extra Crappy Home Movie
"How to Sell a Banksy" should be re-titled: "Christopher Thompson's Extra Crappy Home Movie Featuring Film School Rejects and a Destroyed Banksy Painting".
I'm a huge fan of Banksy and I love his work, but this home-made shaky cam extravaganza is, well, to quote the idiots who made this, "It's rubbish."
You know what this film is like? It's like trying to drink a barrel full of vinegar. Maybe you really like vinegar, but there's no way you're going to be able to swallow down a barrel full before making yourself sick.
If you're a fan of Banksy, you'll HATE this movie. If you've never heard of Banksy, go watch: Exit Through The Gift Shop.
88 (2015)
If Guy Ricthie directed Memento with a screenplay by Luc Besson
If you like Guy Ritchie films and you're fan of Luc Besson, you'll enjoy this saucy little revenge filled rampage.
It's terrific fun to watch Katharine Isabelle's brilliant performance as both a clueless and terrified victim, and a cold blooded killer sociopath, as you follow her around on her violently hilarious adventures.
The film has very fresh and lively quality. Christopher Lloyd as a villain and Michael Ironside as a sheriff, with commendable direction by April Mullen, it feels like you're watching yourself being punched in the face with a candy-apple: it's all crunchy and sticky and shiny with squishy bits. And you can laugh at the playful delight and violent absurdity of just having watched yourself take a candy-apple to the face.
88 is a special treat.
Godkiller: Walk Among Us (2010)
almost
"Godkiller" has a number of interesting elements and a great list of voice talent. The post-apocalyptic setting is dark, perverse, erotic, and violent. The character's have personalities as bent as their surroundings. Muckcracker's artistic style suits the story.
But, this was almost a movie. Instead what we have is a narrated storyboard. It's an excellent storyboard, but...it's a storyboard. I can only guess that one of two things happened: budget restrictions prevented this from becoming an actual animated feature, or laziness. Or both. This can't be considered a finished work, by any means, which the film itself firmly reminds you of at the end with a "TO BE CONTINUED".
Now, I believe "Godkiller" would make an extraordinary animated feature, and the narrated storyboard test that was produced proves that.
I can really only recommend this film to producers, in the hopes that they'll see the amazing potential of what this film could become and start throwing money at a studio of animators to finish it.
If you're not familiar with Pizzolo or Muckcracker, this might be a good introduction to their world but you'll probably be a lot happier if you just go out and buy the graphic novels.
Innocence (2004)
Somewhere between "Bladerunner" and "The Matrix" lies this masterpiece
Somewhere between "Bladerunner" and "The Matrix", this film blurs the distinction between man and machine and delves into humanity's obsession with creating machines that idealize perfection, and the film itself a reflection of that quest for perfection.
This movie confronts a number of ethical and moral questions. Can a machine commit suicide? Or does it self-destruct? Can a machine transcend it's material and be considered human? Why build robots that not only look human but behave human? Can a human become a machine? Why would a human want to become a machine? This is an intelligent movie for an intelligent audience.
This film is gorgeous and profound, an absolute work of art, both visually and philosophically.
The action is fantastic, the art direction is flawless, the cinematography is superb, and the story demands your attention. And there's a touch of dark, hard-boiled humour throughout the film to keep you smirking.
A true masterpiece of cinema, art, and science fiction. You'll want to watch it more than once.
10 out of 10
The Killer Inside Me (2010)
hits you like a fist in the face
If you like noir, I think this is a good bedtime story for you, it'll give you real sweet dreams. Real sugar plum sweet. Don't let me catch you crying out for mommy or I'll punch you like I punched them pumpkins.
This movie does a decent job of staying faithful to Jim Thompson's novel of the same title, with one notable exception. All the main character's narrative in the book let us see that while Lou Ford acted like a simple small town yokel, his brain was smug, clever, cunning and dark. The movie just let's you see how other's see him, without the benefit of climbing into his brain. But for those of us that have read the book, we know Lou Ford real good, now don't we? Yessir, real good.
There are parts of this movie that I had to look away from, that I couldn't bare to watch, that made me squirm around in my chair, that are so violent and graphic that I had to watch the ceiling fan spin itself around in slow circles while I waited for the punching to stop. The only thought that tumbled around my head over the wet, smacking sounds of the blows was that it was just like listening to someone punching a pumpkin, all hard at first, then everything just caved in.
The only problem I had with the movie was Lou Ford's narrative, not that there's much of it in the movie, but it comes across as simple small town yokel. Lou Ford might be small town, but he's far from simple yokel. In a way the movie really lets you become the rest of the town, never getting the chance to truly peek inside the sharp and glinting, obsidian hallways of Lou Ford's mind, subjected only to his carnal desires and frightful violence.
It's worth watching, but you know you should read the book.
I'm gonna put my leather gloves on and give this here little movie 8 hard punches in the face out of 10.
Ink (2009)
A brilliant and beautiful reason to hope
"Ink" is a wonderfully crafted film, whose poignant story, smooth cinematography, and resonating musical score will pull you through a life of sacrifice, pain, vice, and consequence. It shows us a glimpse of the ethereal forces at work in our lives, how those forces manifest themselves in the choices each one of us makes and how we shape and see ourselves (and how those ethereal forces shape and see us.) The film itself is a triumph of independent cinema as it shows us a masterful work can be born impoverished and rise up to truly noble heights. The creation of the film is a lesson within itself, taking the things on hand and sculpting them into a remarkable vision of lasting, piercing beauty. Ultimately, "Ink" is a story about hope. It is my hope that you will see this film.
Bunraku (2010)
Dr. Frankenstein's Action/Art Film Project
This stylized action film can best be described as an orgy of the following films: part Sin City, part Batman (Adam West era), part Dick Tracy, part The Quick and the Dead, and part Enter the Dragon. Squirt some Cirque du Soleil in there and the resulting love child of all these films is "Bunraku". That's really all I can say. Watch it and tell me if I'm wrong. There are parts of this film that are extraordinary, namely the animation, while other segments (or appendages?) are atrocious. It all makes sense in a mad scientist kind of way, where this creature of a film was cooked up in Dr. Frankenstein's Laboratory School of Film, Dance, and Animation. It's ludicrous, but very entertaining. I give it 7 full test-tubes of film DNA out of 10!