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Reviews
Morbius (2022)
So bad it's good
If you like mystery science theatre 3000, then this is your chance to create your very own episode as this film is so predictable and so cliched it's a riotous laugh a minute if you're in the right mood to provide a narrative.
There's not much more I can say about the movie and it is impossible to write a spoiler for a film that is so predictable - you've already figured it out so you won't need me to tell you.
Like I said it's so bad it's almost good, we need people to make bad B movies for the next generation to laugh about and this is one for the vaults.
So grab a box of popcorn and a few beers and sit in with your wittiest mates and have a laugh at the expense of this rotten tomato of a film.
Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023)
Sci-fi cliche bingo anyone ?
Surely there have to be some more original story lines for a sci-fi opera?
Others have already commented how derivative of other sci-fi franchises this movie is, to the point of being comical.
In fact funniest thing of all was the outfit of the English (of course) baddie general who dressed like inspector Blakey from "on the buses".
So let's do a checklist:
- English baddie
- Personality robot with a c3po sort of name
- Overpowered female character
- Nazi style overlords called the Imperium (really?)
- Bad senator Balisarius seizes power (seriously?)
- Character who fights with laser swords (yawn)
- Rebel alliance (of course)
- a coliseum with a disgraced general (really?)
- a village that needs protection (yep 7 samurai)
I could go on.....but I just can't be bothered. It's watchable ....just ....if no other reason than to spot all the cliches.
Extraction 2 (2023)
You're going in that hole mate
I'm always looking at how sets are dressed as I'm thinking the production team always has to make a trade off between the cost/effort of building/dressing something versus the value to the plot and production quality.
So I'm watching one of the early scenes in this movie where a Georgian politician turns up with his BMW motorcade at the some countryside pad of who I assume will be the villain.
Now what do I see: BMWs, ok that's sponsorship so easy to do. Run down countryside pad, probably as they found it. Helicopter, well that's probably going to play some part in the story later on as choppers aren't cheap. And then, huge muddy hole being dug in the ground......that's far too much effort to got to for set dressing, so clearly matey boy politician is going in this in pretty short order....and yep he does. Most of the movie is like this.
Mad Maxine: Frisky Road (2018)
So bad it's brilliant
This is something to treasure because with the advent of ChatGPT it is now impossible to write a screenplay this bad. Savour this ultimate tribute to the mediocrity of the human mind, we shan't see its like again.
The plot apes the mad max movies with some soft porn thrown in completely inexplicably and I mean totally without any reference to the plot or characters. It's almost like you leaned on the remote accidentally and switched channel. The cuts back to the main action are equally random and inexplicable.
Just imagine the poor acting, pointless dialogue and comical exposition of a soft porn movie, but without any actual porn. Ok well, theres a bit of porn, but it's all appetisers and no main course. A few bras removed and a variety of nipples exposed which is educational I suppose if nothing else.
It makes you wonder what was going through the fevered minds that made this. The answer I suspect, is gloriously little.
The Son (2022)
Overly melancholic rubbish
The problem with this film is the portrayal of the son just is not sympathetic. Sure I feel terrible for people who have mental illness, but there was just nothing redeeming about this kid.
Most of the time he had a face like a smacked arse, moping around, with no good reason. He was ungrateful to his mother, and ungrateful to his father and generally unappreciative of his situation in life, which compared me to most folks was not half bad.
I know mental illness doesn't have a logical cause in all cases, but it really doesn't help to have no root cause and such an unsympathetic character in a movie.
I got bored and just fast forwarded the movie to the bit where he blew his brains out and thought "good riddance".
The Mandalorian: Chapter 24: The Return (2023)
Disappointing but not surprising really
This is the third review I'm writing of this season 3 of the Mandalorian, this time with respect to the season finale.
Yeah 4/10 is low and as a standalone episode it deserves more than that. But it's not. This is Star Wars and this is the Mandalorian AND this needs to follow seasons 2's incredible fan pleasing finale.
But let's face it, the build up and story arc of season 3 was lazy and disjointed and uninspiring. Did anybody really expect a great finale? Nope, because it had to build on what came before, and what came before was the gradual erosion of the highpoint of the season 2 finale, first by the mediocre Book of Boba Fett, then by this season 3.
Season 2 finale made me fall back in love with star wars and I'm sure many others felt the same. But by the end of this season, I'm sure I'm not alone in saying I don't care anymore.
The Mandalorian (2019)
Oh Shamdelorian
Loved the first two seasons, great characters, mystery and a nostalgic treat from the original trilogy woven into each episode, culminating in of course the ultimate cameo at the end of season 2 - I have watched that final 10 minutes over and over, it's everything a diehard original trilogy fan could ever want.
And I suppose that's the problem, where do you go from there? The book of Boba Fett was a great opportunity ruined by the terrible acting and overly white teeth of Temuera. The fact it turned into a story thread of the Mandalorian was an even worse idea, driven no doubt by falling ratings.
The appearance of Luke in this "Mandalorian season 2.5" was a huge mistake, removing the mystery and gravity around the character.
And being Disney they just couldn't resist a marketing opportunity could they! Had to bring Grogu back. So his original story arc now has no point whatsoever. All the trials and tribulations of delivering him to his Jedi master, pointless . And what does he add now to season 3? Nothing. His character story arc is stalled, he's just there for merchandising. Grrrrr Disney!
And so to season 3. There is just no story to this rambling mess. Yeah good idea to bring back IG8, but not as Grogu's wheelchair. Should have grown some balls and brought Gina Carano back too, but no. Instead we do get the wonderful Giancarlo Esposito, but his character's story arc is finished, move on Disney!
And then we've the whole "resurrect Mandalore" plot. Don't know about you but this is just boring. We've seen the mandalorians flying about in the first two seasons with their gadgets, done with that, not interested anymore thank you very much.
They should have reunited Mando with Cara Dune and IG8 and served up a new (or old) enemy like a resurrected Darth Maul trying to corrupt/recruit a new force sensitive apprentice via some evil stepmother sort of character, so they have to rescue the apprentice along with just single a cameo from Grogu and some big finale maybe with a CGI Han Solo and Luke reunion. But no.......
The Mandalorian: Chapter 20: The Foundling (2023)
Overly Optimistic Rescue Mission
Is this really the best storyline they could come up with? Ok spoiler alert but this episode is so daft I'm not spoiling anything for you.
A mandalorian teenager is taken off by a giant flying dinosaur thing, right in front of the rest of the community as they're practicing their fighting on a beach.
Three mandalorians fly after it with their jet packs until their fuel runs out. Luckily Bo Katan is following in her spaceship and tracks the beast to its lair. So does she rescue it? No, that would be far too simple. Instead they figure they've got to sneak up on this thing, so no jet packs, they're gonna climb the mountain it lives on to surprise it!
And they're gonna park the spaceship a ways away too so it can't hear them coming. Don't know about you, but I'm thinking this kid was dead meat the moment he was first taken by this giant flying thing, time is something they don't have.
This climb preceded by their long trek in silence would take hours, so what's this monster doing with the kid all this time, playing hopscotch? It's going to be picking over the his bones by the time this bunch of idiots have even reached the foot of the mountain.
Of course the kid's not dead and I can't even be bothered to explain why because there is no reason why, it's just a load of nonsense.
San ti (2023)
Faithful to the book but overlong
The remarkable thing about movies is that they manage to condense an entire book into around two hours of screen time in a cohesive and entertaining fashion, or at least the good ones do.
This is why my teenage son, whenever he gets an English literature assignment, immediately goes looking for the movie. It saves time. It's the original "blinkist". Why spend 10 hours reading a book when you can watch the movie in two? Well lots of reasons, but I get the appeal.
This series is the opposite. Thirty 35 minute episodes (if you adjust for intro and credits) so well over 16 hour of story telling. I've read the book too and trust me it's a lot quicker. Him there are of course three books and this is only the first adaptation in the trilogy and all three books need to be read to get the full experience of this dramatic space opera, so it's a shame there's not more pace to this first outing.
At the heart of this series is a faithful retelling of the book, in fact remarkably so and serves very well as a second reading, albeit a much longer one as already mentioned. For me this was ok as it is a drawn out plot with a lot of characters and it was nice to revisit it for greater understanding, but it could easily have been done in half the time.
My girlfriend is Chinese and so we watch a lot of Chinese series and this one is very "western" in its style and, I think, well acted by the Chinese cast. The only thing that lets it down are the non Chinese characters - Americans and other "westerners" who are portrayed in an almost comically stereotypical way and badly acted.
The concept behind the story is a great one and worthy of a 7/10 in itself. I won't offer any spoilers here, except to say if you can't be bothered to watch the series then you should definitely read the books. Non fact you could likely read all three books in the time it takes to watch this single series.
Wyrmwood: Apocalypse (2021)
Max Max style Aussie zombies
This low budget film really captures the apocalyptic feel of the original Mad Max films. It doesn't feel derivative but instead is an exemplar of the Aussie post apocalyptic movie genre: You're not quite sure what's going on or why, and most of the characters are a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
The movie thankfully spends little time trying to explain anything and leaves the viewer to work out what's going on and this just adds to the fun. From the weird gas the zombies expel that powers things (how?) to the various pills and blood extract that seems to magically restore sanity (again how?) it's just a great gory zombie romp. There's nitro powered vehicles and strange weapons, I mean, what more do you want. Tom Hardy eat your heart out - literally in the case of this movie.
It left me wanting to watch the prequel to find out more about this universe, so I'm off to do that right now.
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
Like a camp 80s TV series
But not in a good way. Terrible script, terrible plot, almost comical fight scenes. 1980s Wonder Woman with Linda Carter was better than this nonsense. Poor Gal Gadot, she has producer credits on this movie too, so the blame for this steaming pile of manure of is one bullet she can't deflect.
The scenes where she discovers she can fly "superman" style, even throwing in a bit of backstroke, is just bizarre. Next thing she's lassoing lightning bolts and swinging between them like Spider-Man. Then by the time she lands she's wearing a golden wing suit, no explanation where that came from, although comically reminiscent of Flash Gordon.
Then we have Pedro Pascal as the main baddie with an Asian son (wtf?) who predictably becomes his redemption. Actually easy mistake to make, turns out the kid actor's surname is Perez, so he's Mexican right? Who cares what he looks like then!
The moral of this movie is be careful what you wish for, especially if it's a Wonder Woman sequel.
Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)
Avatar 1 - Just Add Water
That's pretty much it, so if you've seen the first movie there's little more I can tell you.
I am only writing this review because I cannot believe this movie is averaging an 8.1 rating on IMDB and I have to do something about that.
So let's recap: Tall jungle people are at one with nature. Nasty humans come from space and kill all the beautiful animals. (Ooh we hate those nasty humans!) Nasty humans threaten our hero and his loved ones. Looks like our hero is going to meet his end at the hands of the horrible humans. Nature comes to the rescue at the last minute and kills all the nasty humans.
Sound familiar? Just add water.
I'm sure this is a cinematic spectacle, but so was the first one and it's just too long, predictable and hackneyed and woke to warrant praise. I'm just glad I saw it on a Chinese head cam rip-off on the internet at a friends house.
Goodness knows how he's going to stretch this "story" out to any more sequels. I certainly won't even bother with the head cam version next time.
The Shape of Water (2017)
What's with all the salt?
I don't have a lot to say about this movie. It's beautifully shot, well acted and a bit weird. So standard Del Toro. This is a film about misfits. The mute girl. The gay best friend. Oh, and the creature of course.
What I don't get is the salt. Yeah the salt. Now I'm not expecting scientific accuracy, but is consistency too much to ask for? I'll accept the US government found an amphibious humanoid, and just the one rather inexplicably, in the Amazon river. But what I don't get is why he needs salt in his water, 5-8% according to the film.
Seawater is only 3.5% salt, and the Amazon is freshwater - no salt. So what is this all about? It doesn't seem to add to the plot except to give our mute protagonist reason to meet up again with a friendly Russian scientist to get more salt, which the creature doesn't need if he is from the Amazon.
Now you'd think a movie director would know the difference between a river and the sea? Not this one. If he must have salt in the plot, then make it so he is discovered in the sea, not a river, would that be so bad?
I just hope Me Del Toro doesn't buy an aquarium as he's likely to kill everything in it.
Nope (2022)
Contemporary take on a hackneyed theme
I think this film is going to be very divisive between audiences who have a preconceived idea what a UFO should be and those that are open to new ideas in the genre.
The film cleverly references very recent events in the UFO, or UAP as it's now called, field such as the navy Nimitz footage of UFO encounters. The film doesn't suggest that these real encounters are the same UAP as portrayed in the film, but this is nonetheless likely to upset diehard UFO fans.
I really like the way this inverted the genre, and I am in many ways a diehard UFO fan too, but I'm also open minded to new ways of looking at things, I don't think this necessarily reflects on what might be really happening in the world today, apart from the fact we need to consider there is a hell of a lot out there we don't understand.
It's also nice to see unlikely protagonists such as the black family portrayed in this film. While many times I feel that diversity is put into films unnecessarily I really liked the fact that this was a film about black cowboys and I found the characters very sympathetic and well acted.
Burn Notice (2007)
Cor Blimey Guv Strike a Light!
I'm enjoying this series as I'm a big fan of sidekick Bruce Campbell who plays....well Bruce Campbell of course and he's great!
But what inspired me to write this review is leading actor Jeffrey Donovan, or more specifically the "cockney" accent he affects in S2 E1.
There's plenty of Brits acting in Hollywood with American accents (eg Henry Cavill) and maybe their American accents sound just as hilarious to proper Americans as this faux cockney accent does to me, so touché if that's true.
What's so funny in this case is how close Jeffrey gets only then, like a moth in a gale, to be blow off course with the next few syllables sounding like a Brummie (that's a person from Birmingham in England) and then the next few like an Australian, before he circles back to his tumbling approximation of cockney.
Who can forget Billy Butcher's iconic "London" accent in The Boys, but weird though that is, it is at least consistent sounding and doesn't induce in the listener an attack of side-splitting laughter - or at least in me it does.
Now maybe you're an American and this seems to you a stunning rendition of a cockney accent, but if you're from London, as I am, this is about as funny as it gets. I've been rewinding and watching the funniest dialogue numerous times since I discover this gem of an episode, till I'm aching with laughter.
This is well worth a watch even if you can't be bothered with all of Season 1 to get there. Go on.... treat yerself geezer!
Mammals (2022)
Focus on leading characters
When you read this review you need to think about the leading characters.
James always makes entertaining screen characters, often revealing diverse escalating new interesting story arcs. Fundamentally unstable characters know it never gets better, except low life eccentric neurotic dreamers fulfilling and teasing conclusions unpredictable nonetheless theatrical. Tying all loose ends nearly terminates lame endings severley, so would any newly knowledgeable erudite reviewer observe. Very exceptional rare announcements, competent treatise of regular and non demanding general roles on silver screen leads you on very exciting roads revealing announcements triumphantly ending doubt preventing redundancy in comedic karma.
Man of Tai Chi (2013)
Doesn't meet western expectations
There's a lot of reviewers here saying this movie has wooden acting and is full of cliches and has a predictable plot. I'm not going to disagree.
But I'm willing to bet most if not all of these reviewers are westerners and not native chinese. I have a chinese girlfriend and we watch A LOT of king fu movies as she loves them (and hey so do I) all made in China or HK, and I'm telling you this is exactly like one of those movies, in fact it IS one of those movies.
It just happens this movie has some English dialogue and casts Keanu Reeves as the token "nasty westerner" - again another typical Chinese movie cliche - I'm guessing before his return to fame in John Wick.
So yeah this movie is cliched and predictable and the acting and dialogue are wooden.....but that's what Chinese action movies are like., in fact I'd say this is top notch as far as this genre is concerned. We just have different standards/expectations in the west.
Night Sky (2022)
Everything Outer Range Should Have Been
A slow burn sci-fi with superb acting. I lost patience with Outer Range but this keeps you on the edge of your seat, feeds it to you slowly but just enough to keep you going. Really helps too that the entire first season is available to binge watch on Amazon Prime. Wonderful ideas of other worlds and alien technology mixed with human emotions of loss and reconciliation plus a dose of religious zeal. Worth a watch for sure, was so pleased to find this gem.
Burnt (2015)
Not nearly nasty enough
Bradley cooper is just not believable as a flawed and arrogant narcissistic chef. We want a Ramsay, a Marco Pierre White, but Cooper just doesn't cut it. He is no chef, his onscreen persona just isn't big enough to fill a kitchen. And what chef wouldn't know what a sous vide is...really c'mon!
Interceptor (2022)
My Chinese girlfriend loved it
I watch a lot of Chinese made action movies as my girlfriend who is from there loves them. They always make me chuckle because of the cliched dialogue and childish emotions shown by the characters, the implausible plots and set pieces, the overly dramatic soundtrack....and of course the obligatory evil white man, American of course.
This was pretty much like one of those movies, except in english not mandarin. So the verdict? Well, apart from the cameo by Chris Hemsworth, it is a moronic waste of time. So three stars for Chris' goofy TV salesman cameo. Zero stars for the rest.
Zhan lang II (2017)
Not for the discerning viewer
This would have been great in the 1980s but now this type of thing looks farcical, like an extended episode of the A-Team. So ludicrous are the stunts and so hammed up is the acting it actually had me laughing out loud at times.
Our hero is either crashing through walls and kicking butt or handing out food packages to grateful Africans, there's no in-between.
Frank Grillo plays the stereotypical American baddie and provides a big showdown where our hero duly hands him his ass as they say. Surprised? No, you won't be.
In case you have trouble decoding the carefully hidden messages in this movie, they are: China is big and powerful, but benevolent to poor Africa, while America is evil and unprincipled. Who would have guessed, eh?
The Good Liar (2019)
Worth watching
Dame Helen and Sir Ian, should be enough to warrant a watch and it is. Not a life changing movie but superlative acting and
an interesting storyline, even if it gets a bit predictable towards the end.
If I have one complaint it's the virtual signalling inclusion not just of the gay grandson, but an interracial one to.
Reacher (2022)
Full size reacher at last!
This gets an automatic 8 just for not being Tom Cruise. Jack Reacher has chunks of corn in his turds bigger than Tom Cruise. The physicality of Reacher has always been a key part of the characterisation in the books so great to see an actor who can bring this to the screen.
Interstellar (2014)
Based on real physics - no way!
The big exception I have with this movie is the nonsensical science in it. I'm not talking about the "behind a bookcase in a black hole" stuff, after all who knows what might be in a black hole, it might well be an alternative dimension to the wall in your daughters bedroom...but I doubt it.
No, what I take exception too are the liberties taken with the "mundane" and well understood science of rocketry. Liberties that actually undermine the whole plot. Let me explain.
The gist of this movie can be summed up as "humans must find a theory of controlling gravity so they don't need huge chemical rockets to get into space". So what's wrong with that?
Well nothing, except on his journey to discovering this theory, our hero clearly already has the ability to take off from two "earth like" planets, one with 130% earths gravity, in a spaceship no larger than a private jet!
So it begs the question why does he need to go on this ridiculous sojourn, if humankind already has the technology to send a plane sized craft to and fro to space with no dependence on Saturn 5 sized launch stages, something incidentally, and even more stupidly, we see our hero using on his initial departure from earth!
To make matters worse a huge fuss was made about this film and how realistic the physics was and how a "real astrophysicist" checked the science. Erm.
The Book of Boba Fett (2021)
The Good, the Bad and..... Temuera
There's a lot to like about this. Jon Favreau for a start, the saviour of Star Wars, need I say more? As a fan of the original trilogy (and what sane person isn't) this is another brilliantly executed, nostalgia filled trip to the Star Wars universe, uncovering more of a world we all longed to know more about since we were kids. And what better character to develop than the mysterious, and iconic Boba Fett?
Well here's the problem. He ain't that iconic, at least not as portrayed by Temuera. The character just lacks the gravitas and toughness I would have expected. His sidekick played brilliantly by Ming Na Wen comes across far tougher and more expert in combat. Surely Boba should be the ultimate tough guy, even perhaps more than our beloved mandalorian ?
My suspicions were first raised in the mandalorian when Boba failed to beat a young mandalorian woman in hand to hand combat. Sure it's PC they should be on equal footing, but c'mon this is Boba Fett! He should have knocked her on her a**.
Fast forward to this new series and we have what seems to be an even more emasculated Boba, farting about in the desert in his long-johns with those impossibly white teeth and accompanied by a series of inane expressions. I hate to say it, but this guy can't act! This is the problem with Book of Boba Fett and no amount of story telling or CGI can fix this.