Bynovekka1 Reviews

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004)

Final some real snap to the series.

[8/10 · 21 December 2004]

In the snowy wilderness of 1815 western Canada, two teenage girls claiming to be lost from an exploring expedition seek shelter. They stumble upon an Indian village and discover its inhabitants torn to shreds as if by wild animals. Shortly after the girls find themselves stalked by mysterious beasts that lurk in the woodland shadows. As the creatures draw close, the girls are saved by a surviving Indian brave and taken to an isolated trading post that is also under siege by the incredibly vicious beast....creatures that are actually the victims of an ancient European disease brought over by white settlers to the new world.

This is the rather interesting concept of the most recent of the Ginger snaps films....Ginger snaps back.

Allow me to begin by saying I am not a big fan of the the first two Ginger Snaps movies. While many speak highly of both installments I found little to recommend them. The whole suicidal Gothic girl bit went out with the 80s dark comedy, Heathers. That combined with low production values, little or no atmosphere and shabby special effects....the films were severely hindered. In fact, the only thing that was entertaining about the earlier series efforts was the impressive on screen rapport of the films two attractive young stars: Emily Perkins and Katherine Isabelle.

In the films third installment, however, most that was bad in the first two movies was removed. But all that was good remained. Perkins and Isabelle for example are back. The close knit ties between the sisters....which is the main running theme of the films....remains intact. "Together forever" is the girls motto, no matter what the cost. They prove that and more in this installment. The setting of the film...as mentioned above....changes to a refreshingly more atmospheric location and time setting. The movie obviously had more of a budget to work with as the production values and special effects are much better this time around. And best of all the director seemed to know how to make film of this type. He goes for story and characterization over gore.

The only downsides are with some portions of the script. Katherine Isabelle's character slips into modern day speak on a few occasions. And one or two minor characters and subplots seem a bit cliché'. But otherwise this film hits mostly quality high notes and is pleasure to watch if you enjoy a well made horror movie experience.

House of Dark Shadows (1970)

House of the unholy

[24 May 2004]

The shining glory of Producer/Director Dan Curtis's career came in 1983 when he transformed Herman Wouk's acclaimed World war 2 novel "The Winds of War" into an epic television miniseries. But it was during the late 60s and 70s that Curtis originally became a known and respected commodity in hollywood. During that time, Curtis was responsible for the creation of several suprisingly effective "B" horror films.

Minor classics like "The Night Stalker"...."The Night Strangler"....."Scream of wolf" are must see nostalgia pieces for true fans of the Genre. His 1971 semi-gothic effort "House of Dark shadows" also ranks high on the list of Curtis's early cinematic achievements.

The film is based on the unquestioned most popular segment of the old daytime TV series, "Dark Shadows". For those that don't know..."Dark Shadows" was a struggling 60s daytime soap opera concerning the dulling exploits of a boorish super rich New England family....the Collin's. After a season of well worn plots about family infighting and powerstruggles the show was on verge of being canceled. That's when series creator....Curtis....came up with a radical idea. Introduce supernatural elements into the show.

Soon the shows focus drifted from standard issue soap opera melodrama into a detailed examination of Collins family's haunted past. Over the next five years, Dan Curtis brought to light virtually every family Skeleton.....often literally. The seemingly eternally cursed clan's estate....Collinwood...was to play host to various unwanted preternatural ghouls who in one way or another were connected to the family. Among the collection of these occult charactors were: Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Wizards, Demons, Artifically created men and women, Ghosts, Headless entities.....just to name a few.

When Dark Shadows faded from the afternoon scene in 1971....its ever loyal fans cried for more. Curtis responded with with pair of post series movies....and some 20 years later....a prime time sequel series. The first of these films efforts being the aforementioned 'House of Darkshadows'. In the recreation process the noted director quite capably revived and enhanced many of numberous supernatural elements that made the old serial popular....while offering up far superior production values.

In house of Dark Shadows the audience is privy to the scheme of a wily caretaker who happens upon a map he believes leads to an ancient treasure buried on the grounds of Collinwood. The map brings him to the Collins family crypt where rather than treasure, the caretaker accidentally releases something dark from its eternal bondage.

That same night a young woman is attacked at the main gate of the estate. Left comatose from loss of blood caused by mysterious twin puncture wounds on her neck.....the girl can provide no clue to the nature of her attacker. But soon other victims start to pop up...similarly wounded and minus a few pints of plasma.

A pair of learned locals conclude a vampire is responsible for the attacks. The authorities and Collin's family....quite naturally scoff at the notion. They prefer to believe an unknown type of animal or a madman is behind the attacks. However, the doubters soon change their tune when a Collins family member on the intruders menu is killed and eventually returns from the grave as one of the living dead.

The supernatural nature of the killer revealed....the police are soon scurrying about the area with crosses and stakes....while almost the entire Collins family are armed with cross bows and stringing up enough garlic to corner the market.

While terror reigns supreme at Collinwood, the family has no way of knowing the perpetrator of this unspeakable villainy is dwelling unsuspected within their midst.

By todays standard "House of Dark Shadows" might seem somewhat hokey with its max factor fangs and cherry syrup blood. But for its time, it was quality achievement and even now it provides something rarely seen.....a well written horror film with some into classic gothic overtones added into the mix.

Willard (2003)

Muskrat love

[19 May 2004]

33 years ago it was decided to make a movie about lonely guy falling in love with a rat. *Blinks*....Okaaaaaaaay....guess it was a 70s thing. Regardless.....this movie was given a modest budget....enough to pay for a couple of capable actors, a 35mm camera and a bunch of trained rats.....and allowed go.

Amazingly this seemingly off the wall, nowhere flick not only became quite a sleeper hit of 1971.....but it also spawned a equally weird sequel two years later.....and in 2003....a remake. It is this more current film upon which I shall focus.

In the 2003 update we have resident weirdo Willard Styles who looks like a refuge from the Addam's family....living a drab, lonely exsitance. Then comes that magic day when catching rats in the basement he stumbles upon Sorcrates.....The handsome white mouse of his dreams. He spares Sorcrates, earning him the undying affection of albino beauty and the loyalty of the local rodent society.

Willard soon decides to train his new pals to do his bidding....in various....often illegal ways. As the training sessions intensify....so does the affection between Willard and Sorcrates. Soon this ain't just a friendly owner pet thing......it's full blown love!!!

Unfortunately for our cross species lovers....several stumbling blocks arise that threaten their budding affair.

Willard's aged...addled....mother who clings to her son like saran wrap. Kat: Willard's pretty, sympathetic co-worker who for seems to be taking a romantic interest in Willard. Willard's ogre of a boss....who for undisclosed reasons wants to buy Willard's house out from under him....a move that would force Willard away from his sewer dwelling pals. And finally....Ben. The hulking former king rat whose position as the big cheese of the rodent set has been usurped by Willard.

Willard has some interesting aspects and performances. Crispen Glover in the title is appropriately offbeat. And R. Lee Ermey plays the nasty boss role to the hilt. But the overall concept of the film is so weird and implausable its hard to become overly interested in the proceedings.

Project: Metalbeast (1995)

Grade A for this Grade B film.

[10 May 2004]

Ever wonder what a werewolf would be like if it had superhard metal skin???? Neither have I. But the writers of this film did. And their version of what would occur makes for a surprisingly watchable lowend horror/sci-fi outing.

Without straying to far into spoilerville, the movie concerns the efforts of a pair of government covert types taken with the notion making a super solider with the aid of werewolf blood.

They succeed in getting their blood but one of the men gets exposed to the sample and himself becomes a werewolf. He chomps a person or two at the research center he works out of before being eventually killed with the old silver bullet bit. From there his body gets crongenically frozen. His former partner thaws him out twenty years later and uses his 'corpse' as a guinea pig for a new proceedure that grafts metal skin onto the human body....."Don't ask".

Of course the silver bullets are removed during the process.....and.....well...you can guess what happens next.

Beyond the terminator meets the wolfman concept, the film offers up a surprisingly lively script with some truly good lines. There's also some good performances to be had, particularly Barry Bostwick who plays a villain willing to do anything to protect "his" project.

Movie can be seen often in its cut form on Sci-Fi channel. Check it out.

Van Helsing (2004)

Hugh does the monster mash.

[9 May 2004]

Hugh Jackman is rapidly becoming this decades Harrison Ford. He seems to get tagged for the all the big budget action parts that require someone who has rugged good looks and appears between the age of 30-40. Much the way Ford was typecast in the late 70s and 80s.

Previously, he hit the nail on the head with his protrayal of wolverine of X-men fame. And in Van Helsing he does a credible job despite being surrounded with basic ineptitude.

In Van Helsing Jackman is basically playing vampire hunter D....look and all....tracking down a monster mash of classic movie creatures circa universal 1930. This time around the beasts are given the modern day CGI treatment. Most come across as cartoonish or rubbery.

The acting....minus Jackman is mostly a miss. His wasp waisted co star Kate Beckensale is as fetching an actress as hollywood has to offer. And her gypsy warrior look is to die for. But brother.....her performance here is for nothing. Her alleged central european accent is a source of constant annoyance. She spends most of the film performing impossible aerial and gymnastic feats or being being slapped around by one of Dracula's albino brides.

The plot itself concerns Dracula.....who is far from frightening or seductive here.....trying to bring the fruits of 400 years of passion to life....while Van Helsing and company seek stop him. In the process various scenes from old horror movies are paid dubious homage.

Vampires appearing when the sun dips behind a cloud as seen in "Kiss of the Vampire". The classic ballroom dance of the living dead from "The fearless Vampire Killers" is shown here as well. We even have the Frankenstien 'It's alive' comments and the famed windmill final from the original frankenstien.

But Van Helsing does have a some moments. The village attack early on by Dracula brides is impressive. And the werewolves represented in the film are top notch of the film. But for the most part Van Helsing fails to live up to the hype. At times only Jackman stands between it and total failure. Showing that even in a overhyped large budget film....Jackman can stand out.

Bad Moon (1996)

Dog eat dog world.

[12 January 2002]

The normally stoic Michael Pare' gives a surprisingly effective performance as uncle Ted. A photo journalist who while on assignment in the orient is bitten by a white werewolf.

After months of attempted self cures for his newfound affliction fail he foolishly reasons the purifying effects of family love will help drive his beastial otherhalf into remission.

What Teddy boy does not realize is that his wolf side is driving him home. For as all good werewolf fans know the inner beast lives to destroy those it loves best.

Arriving home, Ted's wolfish alterego discovers his path of destruction is barred by a surprisingly resourceful and highly protective family pet. A 102 lbs german shepard named Thor.

The second half of the 90 minute film is a nifty fang vs fang battle. Will the werewolf enjoy a family feast????? Or will Thor drop the hammer on the wolfish uncle Ted????

The effects of the film have gotten grilled by many critics because of the limited use of computerized meshing. But the costume of the beast is pretty convincing.

And I defy anyone not to cheer for the valiant Thor as he battles both the human cunning of Ted as well a inhuman strength of the werewolf.

Lake Placid (1999)

What a crock!!!!

[11 January 2002]

Just when you thought all those Jaws ripoffs died out, here comes Lake placid.

It's just a sleepy body of water in rural Maine. Until a forest service worker is torn to pieces while tagging beaver in its crystal depths. Was it a bear or some natural creature of the woods????? A loch Ness type beastie????? Or something even worse?????

Enter an overweight Sheriff. A rugged forest ranger. A big city scientist. And a wealthy, slighty daffy thrill seeker to discover the truth behind the killing.

The story is silly. The science used to describe the the presence of the mysterious lake killer is shaky at best. But it's all played to semi-laughs so the audience isn't suppose to take it to seriously. And in the end, we don't.

The Horrible Dr. Bones (2000)

No bones about it. It's horrible.

[12 October 2001]

Horrible! Awful! Vile! Ghastly! Terrible! And that's the movie, not the title charactor.

The good doctor it seems is a voodoo priest with a private collection of undead zombies. But he has grown tired of just being able to control the dead. Now he plans to enslave the living as well. And he's got a plan to just that!

With the aid of two technical experts, a hip hip band and his own mystical chanting, Doc Bones hopes to turn the worlds population into mind controlled living zombies.

He need not have bothered. By the time his evil scheme is put into motion, the audience has had their collective brains fried by the intense boredom the film generates.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Russell and Carpenter strike for laughs.

[30 September 2001]

Rumor has it that John Carpenter yearned for years to do a truly scary movie based on one of his favorte subjects; ancient Chinese magic and myths. After establishing himself as a high level master of fright he searched the proper script to make his dream come true. Unfortunatley, after years of looking through scripts and trying out ideas he couldn't find anything frightening enough to suit him.

Then he came upon a quirky notion. If horror didn't work, why not play it up for laughs. A script by a couple little known screenplay writers came along that seemed to fit the bill. It was a little goofy. Rather offbeat. But if handled properly, it was just nuts enough to work.

The script revolved around a klutzy, loudmouth, all American, longhaul truckdriver named Jack Burton. Poor Jack came to San Francisco's Chinatown to deliver a load and see old friend, Wang Chi. Instead Burton finds himself caught up in strange web of Chinese sorcery and martial arts craziness.

With the aid of a good natured Chinese mage, Burton and ragtag group of martial arts extras battle their way through, warring tongs, mythological creatures, Chinese gods and the ultimate evil spirit!!!

Big trouble works much better than it should. The story is goofy. But the script is tight. Some of comedic acting performances are just plain brillant. Combined with Carpenter's seasoned hand that keeps everything moving along at a fast and funny pace, Big Trouble in Little China is one of best spoofs of all time. Well worth 1:40 mintues of your time.

Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)

Best of the series.

[25 September 2001]

One of my guilty pleasures is watching action films that have good honest rotten to the core villains who are so smart that I can actually start pulling from them. Such films are rare. The reason for this is simple. So much time is spent working in tough guy cliches' and wild stunts that the creators of such films don't pay much attention to charactor development. In "Die hard with a vengence" The writers give us stunts galore. They give us the standard macho commentary to the hilt. But they also came up with bad guy who is clever you just gotta like him.

Said villain, One Simon Peter Gruber, played with relish by Jeremy Irons is the brother of Hans Gruber the villan from the original Die Hard movie. SPG has come to NYC to get revenge on police Detective John McClain....Bruce Willis; the man responsible for his brothers death.

But SPG's motives are two fold. While pounding away on McClain, Gruber also plans the greatest heist in world history. With the aid of a small army of international thugs and some brillant scheming he just might pull it off. Unless of course McClain and his unwanted civilian partner....Zeus Carver...Samuel Jackson, can figure out his plans and bring them to a screeching halt.

Gruber's primary plot is sheer evil genius. Worthy of the efforts of Professor Moriarty. McClain and Carver are no Holmes and Watson. But what they lack for in deductive reasoning they more than make up for in guts and tenacity.

Ghosts of Mars (2001)

Surprisingly mundane effort by Carpenter.

[24 September 2001]

Most people seem to be linking this film with an earlier John Carpenter film, "Attack on Precinct 13". Granted there are superficial resemblances. But the real comparison should be with Hammer films classic 1966 Sci-fi epic. "5 million years to earth".

Just change the location of '5 million' from London to Mars. Then change the witty intellectualism of the older film to wanton brutality and the films are pretty similar.

The main point of villiany is approximately the same. An ancient Martian lifeforce is brought back into being after eons of dormancy to plague the humans in the form of spiritual possession. Caught in the middle are a ragtag group of Martian colonist, some crooks and a small band security officers.

Plenty of good charactor actors appear in 'Ghosts of Mars'. Pam Grier, Joanna Cassidy, Robert Carridine. But all are sadly misused. Ex-Rapper turned Psuedo-actor Ice Cube does his increasingly annoying street wise punk routine. Underated actress Natasha Henstrige continues to prove she's more than just high quality eye candy. Unfortnately, she's given little to do but look good and talk tough.

Fact is 'Ghost of Mars' is little more than a 'check your brain at the door splatter fest'. It's great for those days when you want to escape pressures of life while not utilizing your brain.

Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger (1977)

Harryhausen creations carry the day.

[19 September 2001]

Tip your hat to Ray Harryhausen. His stop motion animation monsters constantly distract viewers from the worst plots and the most awful acting performances within his films. In his third and final Sinbad outing, we again find bad acting personified in the form of Patrick Wayne in the title role. He's stiff as the perverbial board. But unlike John Philip Law in 'Golden voyage of Sinbad' he at least tries hard. And if nothing else, he looks the part.

The rest of the cast is somewhat better. A drop dead gorgeous princess. A aged greek scientist. His attractive daughter. An evil sorceress Queen and her just as evil son.

"Possible Spoilers!!!"

The plot....such as it is.....consists of the following; The aforementioned evil queen makes a monkey out of a soon to be crowded prince.....literally!!! In fact the poor guys been transformed into a baboon to prevent him from taking the throne as king. Hence the evil queen will be the big cheese in the kingdom.

The prince's ultra hot sister seeks a way to save him. To this end she enlists the aid of her soon to be hubby, the square jawed sea captain......Sinbad.

Sinbad informs his intended that the only one capable of helping her is the aformentioned aged greek scientist. The catch is he lives on a far off island and the prince must take the throne by a certain time or the evil queen's son.......who like any good son does everything mama tells him.......will become the new king.

Sinbad and crew set sail to the aged greeks isle. The evil queen pursues. Along the way both party's meet up with a number of impressively constructed Harryhausen visual whammys. Including: Bug-eyed sword wielding ghouls. A metal minator. A giant wasp. A giant stone aged primative. A monstrously large walrus. And a deadly sabertoothed tiger.

It is these non-living charactors that steal the show. But with Harryhausen pulling the strings we the audience would expect nothing less.

Jason and the Argonauts (1963)

Harryhausen does it again!

[15 September 2001]

Five years after his classic arabian fantasy 7th voyage of Sinbad, Ray Harryhausen tried his hand at greek mythology with similarly impressive results.

The story is interesting enough. Concerning Jason's voyage to claim the mystical golden fleece from the far side of the world and use its power to free his homeland from an evil ruler and his cruel offspring.

With the aid of his heavenly benefactor, the queen of the olympian gods, Hera, Jason assembles the greatest warriors of ancient greek society to capture the prize.

The downside of 'Jason' is the fact that the human stars of the film are far less engaging than those dipicted in Sinbad. In fact, the main actors are rather stilted. Todd Armstrong as Jason for example is as wooden as a sagging birch tree. But who cares. Harryhausen's stop motion wizardy is even more stunning than in Sinbad.

Among the more intridging visual whammys are a seven headed hydra. A small army of skeleton warriors. A two hundred foot tall titan warrior made of bronze. And a pair of winged demon harpies.

Like 'Sinbad', 'Jason' somehow failed to be noticed at oscar time. Its astounding special effects weren't even nominated. Meanwhile the effects oscar that year went to the rather pedestrian Cleopatra. Apparently, Ray Harryhausen's monsters are no match match for the shapely charms of Elizabeth Taylor. As the a great man once said......"It was beauty that killed the beast."

The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)

Swashbuckling Masterpiece!

[14 September 2001]

A simply marvelous mythology flick that features all the proper ingredients for fine a swashbuckling affair.

Kerwin Matthews is solid as the iron chinned sea captain. Kathy Grant holds up well as the resident damsel in distress. Torin Thatcher is a absolute treat as the evil wizard.

But as is always the case with Ray Harryhausen films his creatures steal the show. The cyclops, The two headed Roc. The fire breathing dragon. The serpent woman. The sword wielding skeleton. All are frightening realistic.

Somehow, Harryhausen did not get so much as a nomination the special effects oscar for this effort. Amazing! A few hundred years ago Harryhausen would have been burned as a warlock for creating such visions. In 1958 he doesn't even merit a best effects nomination.

The Sting (1973)

Redford & Newman do it again.

[13 September 2001]

Somethings just go great together. Hamburgers and French Fries. Peanut butter and Chocolate. Newman and Redford.

This great acting duo were excellent together in Butch Cassidy & the sundance kid. But somehow they managed to top that awesome effort with 1973's Oscar winning film the Sting.

The story concerns the efforts of a young grifter, 'Redford' to gain revenge on the heartless gangster, 'Robert Shaw' who murdered his mentor. He enlists the aid of a bigtime conartist, 'Newman' to help.

The duo organize a virtual army of conmen and women to run a horse race scam that will hopefully swindle the gangster and ruin his sterling public reputation.

As stated above the film won the Oscar for best picture. The only mystery is how Paul Newman who was never better did not win best actor.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

High level horror

[3 September 2001]

This movie has all the seemingly standard horror movie cliches'. A young college age couple riding down an isolated stretch of highway. The female is the shapely belly shirt wearing type. The male is handsome, wears a tight tee shirt and has rose belly tatoo firmly in place.

Thankfully they aren't on road trip. Or eloping behind the backs of misunderstanding parents. Instead they are brother and sister heading home for college break. This spares us the all to common sex scene with a Dawsons creek type tune humming away in the background.

As the two ride along we discover them to the classic brother and sister act. The older know it all sister. The disorganized pain in the butt little brother.

Along their trip they encounter some seemingly grade B terror concerning what appears to be the sanguinary antics of a texas chainsaw type serial killer. But as with the young couple he's far more than appears on the surface. In fact, the creeper as he is called is down right out of this world.

The makers of the jeepers creeper borrow liberally from other great horror minds. There's a definate Tobe Hooper influence over the first three quaters of the movie. The climax has John Carpenter written all over it. The ravens who dwell outside the creeper's lair is a nearly direct lift from Robert E. Howard's classic horror story 'Pigeon's from hell'.

That said the film also has plenty original ideas going for it. The battle axe scene on the highway absolutely rules. The Psychic attempting to help the young would be victims is nice touch. And the scenes where the creepers true nature is revealed is down right eye opening!

Jeepers Creepers does have its downside. It tends to be uneven and the ending rather predictable once we discover the creeper's true motivation. Still, the film stands out as one of the better horror films of last 10 years or so. It's certainly more engrossing than 'Scream', 'I know what you did last summer' and most of the other teenybopper horror that has smeared the big screen in recent years.

Mulholland Falls (1996)

Nice Nostalgia piece

[11 May 2001]

Nick Nolte must have thought he died and went to heaven when he was offered the part of Max Hoover in Mulholland Falls. Consider, in the film Hoover is married to the lovely Melanie Griffith while simultaneously involved in a torrid affair with ultra sexy Jennifer Connelly. Now I ask you, what sane man could turn down such a part? To Nolte's credit he kept his mind on business and turned in a excellent performance.

As Hoover, Nolte is head of a post world war 2 Los Angeles police division assigned the task of keeping organized crime out of the city of Angels. Given cart blanch by their superiors Hoover's crew often resort to brutal even murderous means in carrying out their duty. Their favorite disposal site for human garbage is Mulholland Falls; a rocky cliff nestled in the hollywood hills.

One day the squad investigates the death of a young woman found in the nearby desert. To Hoover's horror he discovers the body to be that of Allison Pond, (Connelly), a pretty prostitute who was his former mistress.

Finding no clues on the murder site Hoover checks out Allison's apartment. While there Hoover realizes the apartment is the site of sex film anonymously sent to him days before. Hoover quickly discovers the films origin point in a neighboring apartment. He then just as quickly makes contact with the individual who took the films. Said person was secertly taking the movies to blackmail some of Allison's more influential clients including Hoover himself. Unfortunately, for Hoover the films are stolen before he can take them into custody.

Later, when Hoover begins zeroing in on one of Allison's especially influential clients as a possible suspect in her killing he is pressured by everyone from the FBI to his superiors to backoff. He refuses but soon has second thoughts when a mysterious source threatens to use the missing film to reveal his affair to his wife.

As previously stated Nolte's protrayal is top notch but he is not alone. Several solid supporting performances including Griffith, Connelly, Bruce Dern and Chazz Palmeterri lend quality to the proceedings.

The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)

A fabulous farce.

[11 May 2001]

By rights this should have been just another moderately amusing pink panther film. Instead "The Pink Panther Strikes again" is an uproariously funny film that is not only the best in the series but one of the funniest comedies of all time.

As usual the main charactor is Klutzy French inspector Jacquez Clouseau. In this outing Clouseau has been promoted to chief inspector thanks mostly due to that fact his sheer idioicy has driven his former boss Charles Dreyfus insane.

After spending three years in an asylum, Dreyfus seemingly has overcome his Clouseau complex. However on the day the former chief inspector is to be released his old 'friend' Clouseau pays him a pratfall laden visit. Within minutes Clouseau's bumbling antics undo three years of intense psycho therapy and Dreyfus flies into a murderous rage.

His release revoked, Dreyfus is committed for life but refuses to except his fate. He escapses with one objective in mind, kill Clouseau. But the insideous plotting of a determined madman is nothng compared to blind luck and Clouseau none to gracefully eludes every attempt on his life.

Undaunted, the lunatic Dreyfus embarks on his most sinister scheme to date. A plot designed to force the governments of the world to use their top assassins to destroy Clouseau once and for all.

Peter Sellars is priceless as Clouseau. Herbert Lom is nearly as good as straightman supreme Charles Dreyfus. Still much of the success for the film belong to producer Blake Edwards who oversaw nearly every aspect of this brillant farce.

The Phantom (1996)

Williams is no treat.

[9 May 2001]

Lee Falk's purple tight wearing tarzan wannabe comes to the screen with mixed results. Billy Zane gives his all in the title role. And he ain't half bad in the part. Unfortunately, Treat Williams hammy performance as baddie Xander Drax virtually destroys any attempted credibility this movie trys to build up.

The plot concerns the efforts of Drax to acquire three mystical skulls which when combined with a mysterious fourth skull will grant the possessor ultimate power.

The film does have its moments but tends to sag whenever William's is on camera. Yet even during its down moments "The Phantom" maintained my interest thanks to the jaw dropping beauty of Catherine Zeta-Jones and her collection of skin tight apparel.

North Sea Hijack (1980)

Nice change of pace for Roger Moore

[6 May 2001]

Throughout his career critics have placed Roger Moore in a catagory with such alleged actors as George Hamilton and Pamela Anderson. Individuals whose celebrity status has been maintain by good looks rather than talent.

It is not hard to understand why. From the start Moore has been typecast in the same basic charactor mold; the ruggedly handsome high competant womanizer. James Bond, Maverick, The Saint, they are all virtually the same. Only on rare occations has Moore been able to overcome the stereotype and prove his versitility as an actor. The 1979 action yarn Ffolkes is one such occation.

In the title role Moore is anything but his typical ladies man. The product of a messy divorce, Rufus Excaliber Ffolkes resents women. He considers them inferior at best and a blight on society at worst. He now prefers the company of cats.

Ffolkes is also a gruff reclusive genius with little tolerance for lesser intellects. This is neatly demonstrated when a secondary charactor addressing Ffolkes's intellectual prowess flippantly states,

"You must be one of those people who finish the (London) times crossword puzzle in ten minutes."

"I assure you." Ffolkes angerily responses. "I have never taken ten minutes!"

But Fflokes is no braggart. His genius is quickly proven when a vital British oil drilling platform is taken over by a group of blackmailing terrorists led by Tony (Psycho) Perkins. Ffolkes, an expert in counter terrorism anticipated such an attack months in advance and has a well trained group of handpicked specialists standing by to lead an assult.

Despite the misgivings of the Royal navy command who consider him a loose cannon the prime minister commissions Ffolkes to liberate the platform. What follows is some of the best high action drama in movie history.

The Brides of Dracula (1960)

Bad boy baron replaces the count.

[6 May 2001]

Dracula is no where to be found in this second Hammer vampire outing. In his place is prettyboy bloodsucker Baron Meister.

Meister was the product of a spoiled up bringing that allowed his mischevious nature to blossom into full blown villany. As a young adult he falls in with a bad crowd one of whom turns out to be a vampire. Said vampire initiates him into the ranks of the undead.

His indulgent mother cannot bring herself to destroy her son so she binds him, (with a silver coated leg shackle no less), within the confines of their mansion. For years she manages to keep him alive with the blood of young girls culled from nearby villiages.

One night one such girl is tricked into setting him free. After he settles the score with mommy for imprisioning him, Meister makes up for lost time by putting the bite on several local ladies.

It is not long before Meister's nocturnal antics draw the attention of ace vampire hunter Professor Van Helsing. With Dracula defeated Van Helsing has been spoiling for a worthy vampric foe to rise up and challenge the forces of goodness. But even Van Helsing finds himself up against more than he bargained for in the crafty Meister.

Filmed in beautiful technicolor with lavish sets, fine acting and a clever script "Brides of Dracula is a typically above average hammer horror film.

City Hall (1996)

There's Al Pacino but little else.

[5 May 2001]

There are certain actors capable of elevating even the lamest films to high degrees of watchability simply on the basis of their talent alone. Al Pacino is one such actor. Time and again Pacino finds himself immersed in a quagmire of dreadful direction, dulling dialog and sodden secondary actors. Yet always Pacino's awesome screen presence manages to make the film worth viewing. Recent examples displaying this phenomenon include, "Devil's advocate", "Any given sunday" and the urban political drama, "City Hall".

In "City Hall" Pacino plays John Pappas the greatest mayor in New York City history according to his good ole' boy Deputy mayor played lamely by John Cusack.

As the film opens, things are going well for the Pappas administration. His people oriented policies and disarming personality have his popularity ratings soaring. Even his political opponents admit he is doing a heck of job running the big apple. But then an early morning shootout between an off duty police officer and the nephew of a mafia kingpin threatens to unravel all Pappas has worked to build.

In addition to its two participants the shooting claims the life of a young boy on his way to school. Privately investigating the matter the deputy mayor and the slain policeman's widow's Lawyer played by Bridget Fonda, uncover evidence the mobsters nephew got a free ride on his last conviction.

As the duo digs deeper it becomes apparent that someone in the administration pulled some strings to lessen the nephew's sentence. But who is the mysterious someone? Is only person involved? How deeply into the mob bosses pocket are they? And how high up the administrative ladder does the corruption go?

City Hall wants us to be intrigued by these questions. But we are not. Cusack and Fonda are so out of their depth that it is hard to take them seriously.

Only when Pacino enters the fray does the movie become interesting. No matter if he is cutting deals with local party bosses, greasing national democratic party bigwigs, or comforting mourners of the slain boy; Pacino's performance is absolutely riveting.

Unfortunately, Mayor Pappas is merely a supporting character in "City Hall". Worse he disappears for much of the middle portion of the film. A pity to say the least. If Mayor Pappas had been the center of focus "City Hall" might have been a classic movie rather than an average, uneven one.

I, Desire (1982 TV Movie)

The American werewolf vs a sexy vampire.

[2 May 2001]

Superior made for television movie that bears a more than passing resemblence to the newer and triter "Def by Temptation". "I Desire" stars David Naughton fresh from his impressive performance in "American Werewolf in London", as David Balsiger, a Los Angeles morgue attendant who notices a series of bodies that cross his station appear to be victims of a vampire. He initially discounts this possibility but as more bodies come in he undertakes a personel investigation into the matter.

Eventually his snooping leads him into a near fatal confrontation with a decidedly female fiend.

Foolishly, he tells the authorities of his encounter and is promptly dismissed as a crank. His fellow morgue attendants get wind of the story and play some morbid but convincing hoaxes on him. Even his girlfriend doubts him, suggesting he seek professional help.

Balsiger is just starting to doubt his sanity when a priest shows up and confirms his suspicions. The priest, who has tracked the killer from its last murder spree in New Orleans tells the young man what they are dealing with is more than a mere vampire.

The beast is actually the demonic personification of lustful desire. Taking the form of a beautiful woman the creature poses as a prostitute and uses the art of seduction to corrupt the souls of men. Only a truly righteous man, the priest informs him, can hope to resist the demon's wiles and thus combat it.

Armed with this knowledge Balsiger sets forth to battle the beast in an all or nothing showdown of good versus evil.

Being a made for television film overt sexuality and gore are thankfully nonexistant. Instead the movie wisely concentrates on characterization and quality plot development.

The Beast Must Die (1974)

The most dangerous game meets the Wolfman

[2 May 2001]

British Werewolf flick that borrows liberally from the classic short story "The most Dangerous game."

Calvin Lockhart plays a self made millionare obsessed with hunting. Having successfully hunted all the worthy big game animals he sets his sets on the one prize that no hunter has claimed, a werewolf.

Through extensive research he mananges to locate several likely candidates for bearing the lycanthrope curse. He invites them to his isolated estate. Once there he takes them prisoner and proclaims any and all of them could be a werewolf. Those unjustly accused and manage to survive will be given a sizeable sum of cash for their trouble. While the werewolf among them will be added to his trophy collection.

Filmed in the days before computer generated effects the werewolf is protrayed rather unconvincingly by a large madeup dog! Still the movie is worthy of viewing thanks to solid performances by British horror movie vets Peter Cushing and Charles Gray.

From Hell It Came (1957)

And to hell it can go!

[1 May 2001]

Many films try to claim the title of the worst movie ever made. "Manos the hands of fate" "Little shop of Horrors" (The dopey original B & W version). "Ishtar". "Frankenstein Island". "The Brain from the planet Arous". And virtually anything by Ed Wood. But these films are mere pretenders to the throne. The true winner of the cinematic booby prize is......."From hell it came".

This is a simply awful movie about a wrongfully executed island native whose spirit enters an old tree. Uprooting itself the possessed poplar lumbers, (pun intended), about killing its wooden, (Again pun intended), fellow cast members. How the boys at MST3K this little slice of garbage is beyond me.