byor Reviews

Under the Skin (I) (2013)

"You Just Don't Get It, Maaaan!"

[2 May 2024]

Do you like to watch a patch of fog on a Scottish shoreline gradually clear away, in real time, for like five minutes?

Do you like watching a woman drive a van, and park a van, and sit in a van, and then repeat all those things, for seemingly hours on end?

Do you like watching the film's main character look at herself in mirrors for way, way, way too long, multiple times?

Do you like movies that throw a bunch of loosely connected "cool tidbits" at the wall and just see what sticks, forcing the audience to find meaning - and even the story - on their own? Do you also like iw when the filmmaker then acts like: "Yeah, dude, I'm not coming right out and SAYING what my movie's all about cuz I'd rather just put the pieces there and let YOU interpret them, cuz I'm very much like Stanley Kubrick! And making ART!", which somehow effectively leads to critical acclaim for a film that actually brings next to nothing to the table when you step back and really take a look at it?

There's seriously so many pointless (though often nice looking) and much, much too long shots of the Scottish highlands, and shots of Johansson driving around/sitting in a van, and shots of motorcyclists driving around, and shots of people walking around, and Johansson LITERALLY JUST STARING INTO A MIRROR or examining her own body... it's as though qualifying for their government film assistance funding had a runtime stipulation and they had to include everything they shot to get to that 1:45:00 mark.

Under the Skin is a pretentious pile of unnecessary time-consuming shots and people-looking-at-stuff scenes, posing as a sci-fi masterpiece with depth.

Being different and slow and unclear and just throwing a few "cool ideas" at us and leaving us to sort out why it's an awesome work of art doesn't cut it. I don't care if it took the filmmaker 10 years to make this, they haven't actually delivered anything other than boredom and frustration at how arrogant and pretentious they are.

3/10 because Johansson's performance is very good, though she has almost literally nothing to work with, and because there are some really pretty shots of Scottish scenery.

Interesting premise. Some decent ideas and computer effects. Could have been something, but sadly, not so.

Monster (2022–2024)

Decent & Difficult

[6 March 2024]

This is overall a decent show. The best thing about it is without a doubt the acting. There's a stellar lineup of great actors in this and all of them deliver, including the lead but also the main supporting cast of characters. I'm pretty confident to say that this is probably the best thing Molly Ringwald has done in years.

The writing is decent, and the directing, but the tone feels a little odd to me. It's never funny but sometimes feels like it maybe is supposed to be. It's just so dark and sad and difficult to watch because of the subject matter, which they really do lean into here.

I know it's based on real and well known news events but I don't want to spoil anything about the story. It's a difficult watch and not a fantastic show, but decent. The acting is great and the show is worth watching for that alone, if you can stomach the gory premise.

Konga TNT (2020)

Stop Pretending To Make Films And Go Away!

[2 March 2024]

We get it Brett Kelly, you can photoshop really fun looking movie posters on your computer that can actually trick people into watching your (ahem) "movies" and pay you their hard earned money to rent them, which obviously will never be returned no matter much a refund is deserved after sitting through even one minute of your garbage.

These are not movies. Something somebody can shoot (probably even better) on their phone and post online in a day or two is not automatically a movie just because the picture looks like it's moving.

Just because you take advantage of something well known being within the public domain to try to give your desperate attempts at fake filmmaking some semblance of legitimacy does not make your drivel real movies or you a real director.

You are lying to yourself and worse to your viewers who you trick into paying you money expecting something you promise to deliver but don't even come close.

Look at your poster Brett and then rewatch your own movie then look in the mirror and be honest with yourself, is this a movie? Is it anything remotely like what your poster promises? Is it even remotely watchable? Is it "so bad it's good" or enjoyable on any level whatsoever? Are you a filmmaker? Really? No, really Brett?

Do us and yourself a favour and stop taking making posters that lie just to trick people into watching something you know they would never pay a nickel to see otherwise. Horrible sound and picture quality with a cheap a** camera pointed at literally a stuffed monkey does not a movie make, unless you can write a funny script (you can't) or have super talented stars (you don't) or decent effects (not remotely). Do you even pay any of the actors in your "movies"? I doubt it but you really should, because I bet they expect to get credited in a real movie but then you deliver this.

Do you really make enough money doing this to make it worthwhile? All the poster lies and the obvivous humiliation you must feel every time someone actually watches one of your fake films and you get found out as a total poser?

I like bad movies when they are still enjoyable, but what is not and has never been enjoyable is when someone deliberately makes a piece of garbage like this without even really trying just to con innocent movie lovers out of a quick buck.

Shame on you for the awful videos you have foisted upon us. We all deserve so much better. Full refunds at the very least. But even then how can we ever get our precious time back Brett!?

Sliders (1995–2000)

Once Awesome Show, Went Downhill In The End

[2 March 2024]

Sliders was an awesome show at first, one of my faves that I remember being really eager to see every week when new episodes premiered. Yes way, way back in the day when people used to actually have to schedule in their TV watching instead of just getting to stream everything on demand, whenever they want! So I am aging myself here!

Sliders was about this kid and his professor who end up sliding with a girl who likes him, and also a has-been soul singer who gets sucked along for a ride, through a new portal device that they have invented.

It takes them to other dimensions a.k.a. "new worlds" which are other, different versions of our earth, with the same people but lots of problems that our heroes have to try to fix (and survive) before "sliding" again at the end of every episode to a new world, always hoping it will be their trip back home to "earth prime"... much like Quantaum Leap.

Unfortunately the show went downhill a lot after Professor Arturo (John Rhys-Davies) left, and it was also a big mistake to replace Sabrina Lloyd who was great. Even Jerry O'Connell left the show! That left it as a shadow of what it was in the beginning, but it was still decent and watchable.

Could have ended a lot better and is very, very ready for a reboot or comeback of some sort. Just make sure Arturo comes along for the ride (slide)!

Zombie Beach Party (2003 Video)

The Horrifying Part Is The Dullness!

[2 March 2024]

I can't believe that a movie that is supposed to be about both luchadore wrestlers and zombies is somehow boring, but somehow this braindead, zero budget doo-doo-fest came along and proved me wrong.

Apparently I have to write more lines so I guess I will give more info and details... uh... so this boring movie is very dull. I wouldn't have believed it could be this sleep inducing but it proved me completely, totally, unfortunately wrong, wrong, wrong. So very wrong indeed that I had to write about it using as many words as possible.

Still more? Okay then. The acting stinks, the filmmaker is completely devoid of any talent either as a writer or cinematographer or even editing, because even that stood out as crappy. I guess the sound was okay and even some of the music, although I can't really remember any specifics about that. Talk about bad acting, particularly the small parts in this were basically played by people who are not just pulled randomly off the street, it seems like they don't even want to be there or care at all about what they are making.

Do yourself a big fave and skip this terribly boring, pointless mess of a movie. Even as a huge zombie fan who watches every zombie film I can get my hands on, I wish I had skipped this one and just re-watched one of the Living Dead movies or a couple episodes of TWD instead.

Bad Hair (2020)

Not Bad!

[20 January 2024]

This is kind of a fun slasher comedy.

With Williams and Usher there are actual celebrities in this and the acting talent is above average for such a film as this one. Usually slasher comedies have nobody to speak of.

This movie even has a James Van Der Beek sighting! He was all the rage during Dawson's Creek but then kind of disappeared on us. He does a good job in this. Even without Joey, Paisley (was that even his name? I can't remember), Michelle Williams, or all of their teen drama.

It's kind of predictable and the writing is not great. Also you can see all of the kills and most of the jokes coming. But it''s not a bad movie and a fine way to waste 90 minutes of your time.

Chernobyl (2019)

Near Perfect

[30 November 2023]

This is an amazing series with wonderful acting. Jared Harris really is an incredible talent. The sets an locations and effects are all top notch, not that there are a ton of effects, it really is just a great drama story based on the characters and situations they are in. I don't have much else to say and don't want to spoil anything that happens in the show, but I really highly recommend checking this limited series out if you haven't already. It's not too over the top with the radiation sickness etc, or the language, but it's not appropriate for kids to watch as it might be a bit too scary and bloody for them.

Unhitched (2008)

This Show is Pathetic!

[9 March 2008]

This show is pathetic.

It's the worst show I've ever seen.

I hate this show.

Avoid watching it at all costs unless you are blind and deaf and have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Whoever is responsible for making this show and putting it on TV should be beaten to death in the town square so that everyone can get a few kicks and punches in.

Unhitched is unparalleled when it comes to being PATHETIC.

I need another line? Okay.... Unhitched sucks hairy mangoes.

Rembrandt (1969 TV Movie)

This is an excellent film with great acting!

[27 April 2001]

This is some of the best acting I've ever seen. There are obviously some script problems here but that's understandable with a TV movie. The actor playing Rembrandt was great and the Canadian Cory Mistyshyn is absolutely unforgettable as John-Pierre. I would recommend this film to everybody, it seems very realistic and true-to-facts regarding Rembrandt's fascinating (and eventful!) life. It's great and you can find it on video.

Il n'y a pas d'oubli (1975)

One of Mystyshyn's finest roles of all time ...

[9 April 2001]

He only has a bit part as the American, but even though he's only on screen for about five or six minutes HE MAKES THIS MOVIE. Corey Mystyshyn is great, he does a great job of supporting the other actors in this film who are also very good. I give this movie a 10. It's the best movie I've seen that's come out of Quebec other than Arcand's Jesus of Montreal.

Vengeance Unlimited (1998–1999)

how could they cancel this show?

[5 April 2001]

It is super great awesome fantasticorama! I mean that. Super and awesome and fantastic. Michael Madsen is great and all the episodes of the TV show were almost as good as the movie!