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X (2022)
This Makes Ed Wood Look Like Scorsese
Somewhere in director heaven or hell, Ed Wood is LHAO at this "movie".
What in the generic heck was this!
Let's forget everything that would have worked for this "movie"; decent cast, decent acting, decent location, decent cinematography, decent soundtrack, and cliche stupid characters doing stupid unrealistic actions that no sane person would in reality because it all goes out the window & down the garbage chute due to the 6th grade idiotic plot.
The story makes ZERO sense!
A 90-95 year old woman starts killing young people because she's horny af due to her 90-100 year old husband having ED & a possible bad heart so he can't "give it to her" anymore like she wants.
Really!
This movie falls apart with a simple prescription of Viagra or Cialis.
It's billed as a horror but the most horrifying thing about it was having to see & hear decrepit and wrinkly 95 year old people getting it off; complete with the gross bump & grind missionary and the nauseating dirty talk. She literally yells for him to "FMP FMP"! 🤢
This "movie" looks as if there had been 5 stories submitted but the execs couldn't decide which to make so they combined all 5 scripts into 1 to make this flustercuck.
I could go on about the other cast members and how their characters were just the most clicheish stupid they could be but I'm tired.
If you're a fan of Brittany Snow or Jenna Ortega, you'll probably watch this; otherwise, I'd skip it & you wouldn't have missed a single thing.
Prospect (2018)
There are no spoilers because it's already spoiled
I hated this so-called ' movie ' because there was nothing to like about it.
1. Pace: This was beyond the thresholds of what one human could tolerate of a slow burn movie. Nothing happened throughout the entire movie that was of any interest. You were left with bloody eyes & ragged fingernails from clawing at your own skin just waiting for something interesting to happen.
2. Plot: It made no sense whatsoever. The bad-guy-complete-stranger kills your father but for the rest of the movie you two are best buddies & even ride off into the sunset together. WTeverlivingH! Then the so-called alien planet looked more like the forest behind my house. And then they're all digging for Jurassic Park Amber that's found inside meatballs that are wrapped inside gooeyduck clams that grow in tree roots! Yeah, ok buddy. Then instead of sticking to your alien story, you throw in some Harry Carey Waco Texas cult who are for no apparent reason living on this alien planet in Bass Pro Shop tents & whose only desire is to kidnap the girl so she can bare children for them. I thought this was a sci-fi feature, not a Hallmark movie of the week. & WhereTFlank were the dang aliens on this alien planet! Notta1 was anywhere to be found! Come On People, Do Better!
3. Character Development: Nah, there was none. You gave less than one shake of a rat's a!# what happened to any of these people.
4. Acting: Unh unhh, there was none. I got 'high school students not rehearsing but are reading through the play on day one' vibes from this. No one in the cast had any emotions not even seasoned actor Pedro Pascal. He was stiff as a board! You just saw your dad killed by strangers but you shed not one single tear, never freak out about it, never get shocked & then are 100% AOk hanging with, chilling with, & helping the bad guy who killed him. They were all performing as if someone was standing off camera with a gun pointed at their heads daring them to show any emotion.
5. Production: This was Cloverfield In Space. The tight, claustrophobic camera angles made you nauseous & clammy. You longed for wide shots of this so-called alien planet but all you got were too close shots of the cast & maybe 2-3 feet wide surroundings throughout. Why not explore the strange alien planet that read more like it was being shot during a walk through Yellowstone park.
6. Location: This was supposed to be happening on an alien planet, hence the Jurassic Park amber meatballs, yet it looked like a camping trip in Yellowstone Park. There was nothing foreign or alien about any part of this ' planet '. I was actually longing for green screen & CGI.
And just why was it that everyone else had to wear spacesuits on the surface of this alien planet but the Harry Carey Waco Texas cult were able to walk around bare faced inside a cheap Bass Pro Shop tent & breathe oxygen freely. WhereTFlank did this oxygen come from & how did it stay inside a tent with a zipper door!
Overall: skipping this will leave you missing nothing at all but instead will gain you more restful nights, more productive days, & more happiness from not having wasted your life watching this clusterduck.
Day of the Dead: Bloodline (2017)
Hard Pass
I could only get to 10 minutes of this crap before I turned it off and I didn't watch the full 10 minutes because it was too boring.
I was majorly distracted & that says all you need to know about this mess. I was honestly trying to watch it because I'm a fan of the original & had actually just watched the original the night before but it was too boring & was dragging with nothing happening or going on in these first 10 minutes that could have held my attention.
I was trying to watch to determine if it was following the same plotline as the original but I don't "think" it was & was too disinterested in finding out anything further with it. Why'd they even bother!
Pass this one, you'll thank me later.
Mid-Century (2022)
Senseless Dribble
Who TF signed off on this bullshi! Don't bother with this one! It's slow beyond tolerance, boring, unfocused, ridiculous, senseless dribble. No build up or insight into why the villain was the way he was. Why? Why? Why is what I kept asking throughout this ordeal & how? How did he come back to life, how did he do that if he was dead, how did she do that if she was dead, why did she come back & no one else. Why & How!
The plot has more holes than swiss cheese. No back story, no character buildup, no origin story, no nothing! Then they want to throw in a frigging occult at the end to try to wrap up multiple killings! Really, no buildup throughout this flustercuck regarding the occult.
I'm done with this shi! So I'm ending this review. It's not even worth it!y.
Vice Academy (1989)
Hey, Nobody Was Expecting Shakespeare Here!
Ok so you shouldn't be expecting Shakespeare when you see Ginger Lynn and Linnea Quigley as the leads but for what this was, it worked!
Yes, it's major 80s cheesetastic and overloaded camp-a-palooza but it has its moments. The best part of this was Linnea Quigley. She really carried this movie. She was super funny, had great comedic timing, and of course delivered on her sexpot persona. I'm pretty much a Linnea fan since her infamous role as Trash in Return of the Living Dead. She was hilarious in that too.
Not sure if this was Ginger Lynn's 1st or 2nd mainstream role after leaving adult movies but it felt like it was her 1st. Her acting was horrible and stiff. She felt spaced out or something. She was much better in Vice Academy Part 2 though and even made me laugh lots of times watching it.
This was a very very low budget production and there are many instances where that is evident but it made me laugh and cringe at the same time. I'm a B movie fan and it's Bs like this one that keep me coming back for more. However, I don't think I watched any other sequels after this beyond Part 2 & Part 3. After 3, I'd had enough because they screwed the pooch big time in not bringing Linnea Quigley back.
I remember watching this for the first time in the early to mid 1990s and I think I saw it on USA Network's Up All Night series. I ended up hunting down Vice Academy 2 back then to see if it was as funny and it delivered in spots as well. 2 was way more cheesy & dumbed down but it was watchable to a point. Whenever I see Vice Academy showing somewhere, I make a point to re-watch it and it never disappoints in giving me a hardy guffaw.
There are two scenes that always have me rolling on the floor. First was Linnea's character's first attempt at infiltrating the porno ring and immediately breaking character and forgetting all about her undercover role. Second was the police academy graduation where apparently no one involved in the production of this film took the time to actually research a police academy graduation but instead put the actors in plain high school graduation gowns complete with cap & tassels. Nowhere on planet Earth do police academy graduates wear graduation gowns & caps! I always wet myself when that scene comes up!
You get comedy but you also get ridiculous dialogue, incomprehensible plot riddled with plot holes, elementary school play quality acting, amateurish camera work and editing, no knowledge of what the word continuity even means, 1st grade level sets & set designs, lines delivered the same way they'd read it straight off the page, bad overacting, T&A (for those so inclined), and so much worse. Normally these are things that would make me hate a movie but for this level of cheese & camp, I'm content with a final grade of -D (I liked it).
It didn't try to be anything more than what it was - pure cheesy, campy, brain dead, trashy goodness and on that point - it delivered.
Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch (1985)
Thanks For The Mammaries
In the pale pale light
Pale pale light of the moon glow
I got a hunger that's emotional
Hunger that I can't control
I'm alone now
In my room again
On the prowl now
Through your dreams again
HOWLING! (HOW!)
(HOW! HOW! HOW!)
SINCE THE WORLD BEGAN!
This is one of my favorite movies! It is pure cheesy campy B-movie goodness done 100% right! The soundtrack alone makes it a 5-star feast!
It picks up after part 1 The Howling (1981) at the funeral of Karen White, the news anchorwoman who was turned into a werewolf and killed on live tv. Her brother is in attendance and is mourning her. He teams up with another female news reporter and an occult investigator played by the ever commanding Christopher Lee. Together, they travel to Transylvania to hunt down the woman responsible for this werewolf plague, head werewolf queen Stirba played by the eye appealing bombshell Sybil Danning.
This movie has everything in it that makes a bad B-movie.
A. Atrocious "first week in film school" acting by the leads Reb Brown as Ben/the brother and homely Annie McEnroe as Jenny/the news reporter. They were both horrific but Annie McEnroe wins top honor. And I wouldn't change a thing about their casting.
Annie's acting was like a robot throughout the entire movie, flat delivery & no emotions or expressions whatsoever except when she was breaking character and laughing at her own performance when doing a ridiculous, unrealistic, hot as ice soup love scene with Ben. She knew we'd all be laughing so she joined in on it too. Even the bad acting of these two didn't make me hate this fun fest. In fact, it was because of the level of how bad the acting was that made me love it.
B. The mind numbing dialogue & its delivery by the actors is appalling and side-splitting rip-roaring hilarious.
(Jenny is relaxing in bathtub when Ben enters & stands at the door)
Ben: BOO!
(3 second pause)
Hi honey.
Jenny: Hi Ben.
(switches to next scene)
C. The execution of most of the horror/action sequences is laugh out loud funny. Watch the scene where the sexy werewolf princess Mariana, played by the beautiful Marsha A. Hunt, seduces the two bonehead guys in the bar and lures them back to her werewolf den in an abandoned warehouse - for dinner.
You'll be spitting out your beer and doing a guffaw spittake at the makeup effects, action/stunts, facial expressions, & comedic execution of the entire scene. I ALWAYS spit out whatever I'm drinking or choke on my popcorn whenever the 2x4s and wooden crates hit the bonehead guys in the head out of nowhere even though I know those scenes are coming. I'm picturing the actors standing there take after take getting hit in the head over and over until the director had just the right shot of the wooden objects connecting with their heads.
D. The makeup & costuming was abysmal on any other movie level but was absolutely perfect for this movie. From the werewolf fur covered menage-a-trois, the full on werewolf orgy, the zombie dwarf, to the queen werewolf's plastic bat monster-on-a-stick. You'll be enchanted at just how good-awful it all is and looks.
E. The cheap low budget SFX will give you many a hardy and gleeful chuckle. The exploding zombie dwarf, the werewolf transformations & de-transformations (see the old man in the graveyard), the plastic bat monster-on-a-stick attacking the priest, the Corel Draw 1.0 animations & flashes, the MS PowerPoint pre-CGI fire balls & explosions.
It all makes for an amazingly fun cinematic ride that shouldn't be missed.
It's a low budget B-movie without a doubt but its overall execution and commitment to itself elevates it to a 5-star movie for me. They did it the badly best they could. It should stand as THE blueprint for all other writers, directors, producers, filmmakers, actors, costumers, and SFX artists on how to make a great bad B-movie. It should be taught in film school.
It is and will remain a delicious cult classic and rightfully so. It is a 100% perfectly executed bad B-movie that hits right on every aspect.
The editing alone should have won multiple nominations and awards (see the end credits scenes recaps as I'm sure the male viewers will highly appreciate that bit of editing)!
Yes, it's the epitome T&A movie for those so inclined. To Sybil Danning; As always, thanks for the mammaries!
No, it's not horror. It is pure cheesy comedic camp.
It's bad, it's cheesy, it's campy, it's ridiculous, it's laughable, it's low budget, it's cringe-worthy but it's THE perfectly executed guilty pleasure. Indulge yourself.
Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988)
The 2nd of the Worst
This kicked off the 2nd in the series of worst sequels to Howling & Howling 2. After Howling 2, the series went downhill fast. Howling 2 was bad but it was good bad in that everything that was bad about it was also hilariously funny/good & entertaining. This movie was not that. It flat out stunk!
A woman & her sleazy husband or boyfriend move to a small town for I don't know why because it was too boring to pay attention to. Nothing happens for the first 1 hour 29 minutes of the film. This is a werewolf movie but you don't see any werewolves for the first 1 hour 29 minutes of the film. You're only aware that a werewolf is present or had attacked by the "actors" telling you so. This drags on relentlessly with boring, idiotic, incoherent, ridiculous dialogue; appalling camera work; cardboard stiff acting that makes you cringe; laughable scattered plots; and utter nothingness.
Then in the last 5 minutes of the movie the husband/boyfriend starts to melt! He starts turning into a liquid pile of goo. Nowhere in the previous 1 hour 29 minutes of the film has anyone else ever melted. He melts & wiggles around in a puddle of gray goo for about 3 minutes, the camera cuts away to show some old woman in a pathetic "old wrinkly man" Halloween mask holding out her arms in a Frankenstein stance chanting "satan calls you, satan calls you".
The camera pans around & you see several other townspeople wearing similar plastic Halloween masks also chanting "satan calls you, satan calls you". The camera cuts back to the melting husband and you see the first in the movie of a werewolf head. Apparently he melted then rose out of the puddle of goo as a werewolf.
His wife & some other woman, whose presence & reason for being there was never explained (or maybe I zoned out), start running around. The unknown/useless woman goes to a barn, starts ringing a bell, a pack of German Shepherd dogs with red eyes start running to the barn & jump through the window. The wife stuffs a rope or cloth into a car gas tank & lights it with a kerosene lamp & the barn blows up & catches fire. No, don't even begin to ask me how that caused an entire barn to blow up.
The German Shepherds have now turned into people in a semi state of changing into goo monsters & 1 albino white werewolf. They are burned along with the other woman who rang the bell. The husband falls out of the fire burnt to a crisp & the wife stands there calling his name over & over like she's expecting a burnt 10th degree burns dead man to answer her & get up. Then a man in another "old wrinkly man" Halloween mask growls through the fire & the wife screams. The credits roll.
That's all the action this movie had & it only occurred during the last 5 minutes of the movie. However, this movie contained absolutely zero horror.
This movie was a mess from start to finish. It was unorganized, incoherent, suffered from bad script & no plot, lacked character development, riddled with horrifically bad acting, had shoddy camera work, zero production quality, laughable SFX & makeup, brain dead actors who clearly had no idea what was going on or what was happening next, SAG card revoking directing or lack thereof, & just plain boring hot mess.
I was bored stiff trying to get through this & knew after 20 minutes that there would be no payoff in the end & boy was I right.
Grade: -Z.
Within the Rock (1996)
Defies All Logic!
When the opening credits show outer space by using the Windows 95 starfield screensaver, you know you're not about to see DreamWorks level production quality or effects.
But ignoring the bad production quality, amateurish special effects, blatant disregard for the established laws of science, relativity, space, & gravity, and one of the most idiotic illogical endings ever, you can get a somewhat watchable 30 minutes or so from this. You just have to turn off your brain and throw out all reason & sensibility.
In the year 2019, a rogue moon is on a fatal collision course with Earth and Dr. Dana Shaw is leading the effort to stop it. She's already convinced the President that the best solution is to land on this space moon, drill tunnels, plant explosives, & force it to change its trajectory. She's met with opposition by a hard-nosed top military General who just wants to blow it up with nukes & missiles. During a brief meeting with him and Micheal Isaacs who is an ally, Dr. Shaw reminds the General that using nukes & missiles on it will cause it to rain Kansas size asteroid fragments upon the Earth thus destroying Earth and all life on it.
The General and Mr. Isaacs are never seen again in the rest of the movie.
Dr. Shaw joins a rag tag crew of space miners/drillers who have landed on this rogue moon that looks just like a giant meatball, have set up a special atmosphere generating barrier that produces oxygen, & who have already begun drilling the 3 tunnels that will have explosives put into them.
Because of this atmosphere barrier technology they are using, they are able to walk around in freezing cold space on this space moon without any spacesuits or helmets & breathe just like they would on Earth. They only use a face mask when drilling to block the flying dust. Big stretch but okay.
They are out drilling one day & drill/blast into a cavern that contains alien skeletons & artifacts scattered about the floor, has alien writing encased in platinum lining the walls, & has a fossilized alien creature embedded into the wall. The captain, who is a major sexist A-Hole horn dog, decides he'll take the platinum that's covering the walls as a bonus payment for him & his crew.
The next day while out repairing the atmosphere barrier generator, 2 of the crew are killed by a remarkably unscary generic alien monster. The generator is down so they now have to start wearing spacesuits outside in order to work & breathe. Hmmm who woulda thought!
However, they still don't wear full spacesuits that cover their entire head as the back is compeletly open & exposed to the space atmosphere. They should have been killed the second they stepped outside day one by getting instantly pressurized but okay.
The crew keeps going outside even after the first 2 get killed so one by one they get killed by the alien. Best kill goes to the explosive expert lady who gets attacked by the alien & while it's on top of her fighting her, she tries to shoot it with her explosive drillbit gun but ends up shooting herself in the head with it & drilling her brain. Talk about butter fingers.
The captain fights with the alien too & also ends up shooting himself with his own gun when his bullets ricochet off the hard alien armor skin & hit him right above his heart. In all other movies I've ever seen, that's an instant kill but ignoring the laws of relativity & science, the writer/director decides this doesn't kill the captain but instead he will resurface at the most inopportune time. Alrighty then!
The remaining crew including Dr. Dana Shaw decide to trap the alien using fire extinguishers (obviously) because they contain CO2 that the alien can't breathe & then will plant explosives & blow up the space moon (but isn't that what the General recommended from the beginning).
They were able to easily deduce that the alien was in hibernation but when they drilled into the cavern, it didn't come alive right away because they had introduced oxygen into the cavern from their atmosphere barrier generator. When the generator failed, the open cavern was filled with the regular atmosphere of the space moon & the alien was able to breathe it & come alive. Easy peasy explanation.
So after a few more deaths, they plant the explosives, fight the alien, fire extinguish it enough to get it caught in front of the large drill & just as they're ready to drill it to death, SURPRISE, the A-Hole should be dead captain pops up, attacks them but not the alien & gets killed. Remarkably, his fatal self-inflicted gunshot wound to the heart has disappeared & there's no sign of blood on him. He should have bled out 2 days ago! How tf is he still even alive!
The rest of the crew finally drill the alien to death, board the escape ship, & detonate the explosives blowing the space moon up. They watch a simulated computer scene that shows the fragments successfully changing course & missing Earth.
In the end, it wasn't a moon after all. The aliens who trapped the monster alien shot it out into space in a metal box & over time, rocks & debris attached to the box & formed the moon/asteroid/planet that the crew landed on. The giant meatball.
"Wait, What!" Moments:
1. They're in freezing cold crushing outer space on a space moon but they can walk around with no suits, no full head-covering space helmets, in short sleeves, & only a covid N95 face mask on their face to only block drilling dust!
2. The alien was fossilized & stuck in cave walls but it fully re-hydrated, grew thick armor skin, & came to life with just a gush of atmospheric wind!
3. In the end they decide to blow up the space moon but not to kill the alien because they had already killed it. Why didn't they just plant the explosives, leave & blow it up within the first 48 hours of arriving!
4. They were on a critical mission to save Earth from fatal collision but they only sent 7 people on such a vital mission!
5. The stupid captain shoots himself in the heart, lays outside on the ground for close to 30 minutes minimum but the alien doesn't finish him off! & the rest of the crew don't even go back to check on him or look for him on the security cameras (well that's understandable because they hated him)
6. The fatally shot captain comes back at the end to try to kill the remaining crew! Just why! Why was that a rational ending! That's not even a twist because it makes no sense, is quite irrelevant, & adds nothing to the plot or ending!
7. Why didn't they communicate with mission control EVER & especially once the schnitz started hitting the fan! It's like NASA cut them off & didn't even expect them to make it back. Not once did the crew try to contact NASA to let them know they were being killed off, that they had awakened & encountered a hostile alien, & that they no longer had a working atmosphere barrier generator! They weren't even communicating with NASA/home base to give them updated status reports on their drilling progress. That's definitely something you'd think NASA/Earth would want & need to know!
Summary:
There's nothing to take from this movie. You won't root for the characters. Your imagination won't be transported through space. You'll find it darn near impossible to suspend belief on nearly every aspect of this. You'll side with the alien because you'll relish in the knocking off of the 2nd most idiotic space crew in cinema history (#1 idiotic space crew EVER - Life (2017)). You'll scratch your head profusely wondering why the writer/director even chose to set this in space but shoot it as if it were taking place on Earth in a cavern/mine. There was nothing indicating they were in space other than them telling you it was.
Few Similar Movies That Copied Aspects:
Deep Impact (1998) - better
Armageddon (1998) - worse, flat out stunk
Mission to Mars (2000) - better
Red Planet (2000) - better
Space Cowboys (2000) - better
Ghosts of Mars (2001) - better
Life (2017) - about same level (but worse since it's much newer/recent)
Brian Krause from Sleepwalkers (1992) is in it. This is only 4 years after his hot lead role in Sleepwalkers but he's utilized like an extra in this.
Watch if you just like this type/plot of movie. Otherwise, you can avoid it & still live a fully productive & happy life without having missed anything.
Watch if you just like this type/plot of movie. Otherwise, you can avoid it & still live a fully productive & happy life without having missed anything.
The Dark Side of the Moon (1990)
Comedic Gold!
A 2022 six person space crew experience some malfunctions aboard their spaceship while on a space mission to fix satellites (or something) . Their ship is running out of air so of course they come across an abandoned lifeless spaceship that looks like the old spaceships from 1980. They board the ghost spaceship & someone remarks that it smells like sulfur & is very hot for a ship with no power. That was my clue one that the ghost ship would have some link to hell as the cause of its demise (ripoff Event Horizon much).
They find one dead guy, bring him aboard their ship & put his body in the med bay. The doctor examines the body & they discover that his belly is ripped open exposing his guts (ripoff Alien much).
The captain is seeking answers about the ghost ship & goes to the onboard computer for answers. Oh yeah, the onboard computer is a full sized anatomically correct woman that sits in an office chair in a broom closet & never gets up once during the entire movie. She tells the captain about the ghost ship & how it's from 30 years ago & it crashed out of space into the ocean & was lost. Blah blah blah & 30 seconds later, the captain miraculously links the ghost spaceship to the Bermuda Triangle. That's right, you heard me correctly - the Bermuda Triangle.
Apparently there's a portal/black hole/stairway to heaven that goes directly from the ocean through the air to space & then to hell (which conveniently is located on the dark side of the moon). Any object that gets caught in this portal/path is transported to hell aka the dark side of the moon.
The dead guy comes alive & the crew begin getting bumped off by Satan himself who takes over the body of whomever he kills & then goes off to kill the next one. Seems a bit petty of Satan to have to collect souls 1 by 1 like this but I guess the bad economy caused him to cutback on the Armageddon type big showcase gloom & doom everyone at once.
Aboard the ghost ship once again, a crew member falls into a room filled with water. It's seawater with algae & stuff. They wanted to make sure you understood that the spaceship had been in the ocean so that's how it got caught up in the Bermuda Triangle & transported back into space to hell aka the dark side of the moon.
After 3 crew members are killed, the remaining 3 crew members detach from & then blow up the ghost spaceship. Two kills later & it's down to just the captain who decides that he'll just blow up himself & Satan who's now taken over the last other crew member.
Boom bam boom! The End.
As end credits roll, you're given a glimpse of all the spaceships, boats, pirate boats, rockets, planes, trains, & automobiles that have fallen into the Bermuda space portal beam zone & ended up in hell aka the dark side of the moon. I think I even saw an ice cream truck surrounded by dinosaurs up there too.
Production Quality is Horrific:
The spaceship's dining hall is literally the conference room of the film makers office. All the crew are sitting around what is clearly the table read table. The ship's bridge/control room is the size of the broom closet of the same building. The props & sets look exactly like painted styrofoam pieces.
I think they were going for an Alien, Event Horizon, Ghost Ship, Leviathan type movie but what they ended up with was comedic gold.
Push (2009)
Dismal, Boring Dribble
The story dragged on at such a slow pace it was unbearable. Very little "action" in this so-called action movie. I was easily distracted by an ant that was crawling nearby & found myself looking away from the movie many times. That's how much of my interest this movie held.
Chris Evans was wide-eyed, monotonous, & came off just like all of his other movie parts. He was pretty much expressionless & emotionless. I've never seen him in any part where he's been able to show expression or emotion really. He really plays his roles without any type of depth or insight to his characters. His "acting" really leaves a lot to be desired but let's be honest, he's eye candy & looks good on the poster.
Djimon Hounsou played his typical part well enough. He's so type-casted though that it gets tiring & quite predictable what his character will be but again, he's Major Eye Candy.
Dakota Fanning's performance was very flat but I've never seen her being anything else but flat in any of her roles. Her character & acting was boring, unbelievable, depressing, & felt totally unnecessary. Her scenes contributed to the slow paced agonizing parts. She once more had the "I'm a child star from some big movies when I was younger & you're lucky to have me in your movie" attitude it seemed, thus failing to deliver any resemblance to a caring performance.
Camilla Belle was horrendous in this. She was so stiff, flat, & boring. She 'acted' as if she had been kidnapped at gun point & was being forced to deliver her lines while 2 enforcers were pointing guns at her mom's head off camera. She seemed "surprised that the camera had panned to her" whenever she was on camera & had to deliver her lines. Very cold & flat delivery. I've only seen her in 1 or 2 other movies & she just seems to perform in this same way in all the roles I've seen. She's unable to deliver any emotions or expressions & you're only aware of her character's actions by pronounced indicating.
I think the movie failed not only because of the bad acting but also because it was too convoluted with unnecessary dialogue & scenes and it tried too hard to punch & cram everything in at once (& at the end). It could have done with better character development, better plot origin, & less useless dribble. This would have eliminated the slow paced parts & allowed for faster paced action in an action movie.
Seems they forgot to include any action for the first 100 minutes of the film & then someone pointed that out while reviewing the finished dailies on the last day of shooting so they panicked & hurriedly added in the ending action sequences for the last 10 minutes of the movie.
It wasn't an original story by any means as we've seen this plot many times before (see any X-Men) & most recently to this, Jumper (2008). Push jumped on the "kids with special powers being hunted" craze but in the end, they failed miserably.
Where Jumper was able to deliver a solid story & plot, believable performances, & fast paced, gripping, edge of your seat action throughout, Push could only push you to the edge of boredom & a lasting condemnation of one's self for having watched & sat through this dismal, boring dribble.
MacGruber (2021)
Hmmmm Fell Way Flat but...... it's MacGruber so...
Was funny as the Apocalypse & totally needed to be left on cutting room floor:
1. Maya Rudolph singing the most irritating 10 minute long opening credit song
2. Billy Zane's acting or lack thereof (I see why Mickey Rourke quit)
3. Ryan Phillippe's acting & his clear "I'm only here to pay my high a*$ mortgage" attitude about being there
4. End of story plot twist which felt rushed & half-as*&d plus was totally stupid & not good stupid
5. Lawrence Fishburne's part, character, & acting, tried way too hard or maybe that's the prob - he didn't try at all. He wasn't funny for even one second
6. Sam Elliott's part & character, had absolutely no need to even be in this but due to the absurd plot, he was
Was Funny:
1. Kristen Wiig, she delivered on her part & had the only funny parts you could find in all 8 episodes
Tolerable but left lots to be desired:
1. Will Forte, bless his heart he really tried
Made me hate watching it:
1. Ryan Phillippe's inclusion in this series. He clearly didn't want to be there, clearly could have given AF about delivering any resemblance of good/fair acting, had & delivered zero laughs in entire 8 episodes, seemed to actually loathe being there based on the look of disdain & disgust on his face. He made it quite evident to all that he "hated being there because he had to be there to pay his mortgage".
2. Was embarrassed for Lawrence Fishburne, Sam Elliott, & Billy Zane
I liked the movie & laughed at a couple of the SNL skits of the original that I saw on Hulu but this series fell way flat to me. Ryan Phillippe stunk in the movie too & wasn't funny AT ALL.
If they come back with a season 2, I'll probably watch it just because I'm a fan of Kristen Wiig but I'll only watch it as a binge watch at end of season like I did season 1.
Journey to the Center of the Earth (1993)
Jaw Dropping Flabbergasted-ness!
What the F did I just waste 92 minutes of my life watching? This was apparently a made for TV pilot that thankfully & rightfully didn't get picked up.
A professor decides he wants to explore inner earth, builds a ship, drops & dives it head first into an active erupting volcano & to the surprise of only him & the idiot who went along with him is killed upon impact with the exploding hot lava. His nephew then decides 10 years later to build another ship & follow in his uncle's footsteps to explore inner earth.
I was flabbergasted to see this was released in 1993 because based on the sets, costumes, creature effects, SFX, script, acting, props, plot, directing, production quality, & cinematography one would surely have thought it was made in 1962.
It's awful on all levels. It started out interesting with hopes of a good story being told but somewhere quickly into production, they obviously ran out of money FAST!
I'm left scratching my head on every level of this crapfest.
The best part that would have made this a good movie, made you want to watch it, & that they should have expanded upon came at the end of the movie when it's revealed that the underworld villain was actually the uncle who started the 1st expedition & was thought to have been killed. He falls into lava at the end & you see his hand rise up to reveal he's wearing the same ring his nephew (the new expedition leader) gave to him the day he/the villain/uncle left for his doomed expedition.
Stereotypical characters - stupid scared overzealous African American wanna be tough guy; hot chick rock climber with zero contribution to a science expedition other than to be the hot chick in the movie; ditzy Asian chick who contributed nothing to expedition, plot, or story; unconvincingly passing for straight & badly indicating machoness horn dog type guy; the
I'm sorry, I really can't even finish reviewing this! I refuse to waste any more time on this F-Fest!
The Dustwalker (2019)
This has got to be 1 of the 7 films you're forced to watch during one's descent into the 7 Rings of Hell!
I imagine this is 1 of the films a damned soul is forced to watch during their descent into hell. This is horrendously bad. No structure, no coherent plot, no consistency, no acting, & no comprehension whatsoever! It was impossible to try to follow the "story" (& I use the word story verrrrrrrryyyy loosely).
It's nearly halfway through this F-FEST that you're even given a hint of the "cause" but then that's not even explored properly or to fruition.
Then the "powers that be" (I refuse to call them film makers) decide to reinvent the wheel & include Usain Bolt level fast zombies. There were more holes in this crap than in a Swiss cheese covered Titanic!
You rooted for the most horrible & painful deaths of all of the "characters" because they were all BEYOND STUPID.
I made myself watch it in its entirety so I could form a thorough opinion of it! I won't do that s*it again!
The "powers that be" couldn't decide where they wanted to go with this crap or else they ran out of their allotted $185 budget. It's alien dust spores, it's zombies, it's a dust cloud with intelligence blocking anyone from leaving, it's Tremor type creatures who've been here underground the entire time, it's someone left the cap off an old bottle of Zima!
WTHell!
Avoid this F-Fest like the plague!
Lycan Colony (2006)
A Steaming Pile of Junk!
They used Party City rental tiger mascot costumes for werewolves!
This is surely a high school student's first semester film class assignment. No other explanation of how this hot mess got made. Horrendous steaming pile of 4 letter word.
No plot, horrendous acting (really can't even call it acting), amateurish camera work (and by camera I mean a cell phone camera) , non-existent consistency, zero direction as the participants (cannot legally call them actors) clearly were calling their own shots & making it up on the go, special effects were at the level you'd expect from humans in the year 3000 BC & that's not exaggerating, location/shot scale was lol horrible (one shot the participants would be shown standing next to a regular size tree, the next shot they'd be standing in front of the same tree that was 100 times zoomed larger by green screen, participants would step out of bar & it would be daytime & they'd walk into the woods where it suddenly would be night time & once they got to their location within the woods, it would be daytime again (this is over a period of 3 minutes), & this list could go on & on.
Anything that could be done badly, incorrectly, & wrong in a movie, you can just add here for this steaming pile of 4 letter word!
The Master of Disguise (2002)
To Be or Not To Be
When he wanted to disguise himself as someone else, he'd chant the mantra, "become another person, become another person, become another person...".
When he didn't want to be disguised as someone else, he'd chant the mantra, "don't be another person, don't be another person, don't be another person...".
Yep, that's about it folks. Take that as you will.
Witchouse (1999)
Complete Piece of #@!*
Horrible all around! I'm a fan of bad B movie horror that's so bad it's good but this is not even that. This is -D horror movie minus any horror. Plot is horrible & acting is horribly worse. One female character is so annoying you hope for her to go fast & horribly painfully. Turns out it was Brooke Mueller, ex-wife addict of Charlie Sheen. It's unbearable to watch but I made myself finish it to see if it had any redeeming moments - it doesn't. Just dumb characters who behaved in ways no real person would in that scenario. Just so dumb! A complete piece of sh@%. Skip it & save yourself headache & frustration.
The Day Time Ended (1979)
Forced to reevaluate but is it too late
What happens when a working man is forced to reevaluate his priorities?
A man, his wife, daughter, son, and his parents all living in a solar powered home isolated from others out in the desert are visited by multiple aliens; "tormented"/bothered by some, slightly aided by others. The man is away and not at home while all the strange things are happening to his family.
His young daughter has the first encounter with an odd green 6 foot pyramid that appears. The pyramid shrinks down to pocket size and she carries it around. It seems to grant her minuscule wishes such as making her lost horse appear, automatically turning on the bathroom lights and sink faucet for her, and flushing the toilet automatically for her.
Then the family is visited by various aliens of Christmas past, present, and future such as tiny green ballerina aliens who appear in green mist and dance the dance of the sugar plum fairies but never appear again. Other aliens include helpful green lights who annoy the alien dinosaurs, mischievous white lights that start their car without them, and hybrid alien dinosaurs that appear in the front yard, stumble around, knock on the front door, "play fight" with each other, get stabbed with pitchfork and vanish never to be seen again and a floating roomba/vacuum cleaner from hell that can float through glass at ease but takes several minutes to sodering iron burn through a flimsy plywood bedroom door but never manage to get through.
The aliens, white lights, and roomba from hell continue to "bother" the family and the little girl is lost as she pantomime runs through a swirling vortex of lights. The wife runs after her and is lost in the same vortex.
During this time, the man is attempting to reach them by phone but never gets through so after about 8 hours of not being able to reach them by phone, he decides to drive home (hmmph priorities, right). He runs out of gas & has to get gas siphoned at the gas station he drives to. He finally makes it to his home area, finds his family horse wondering in the desert & makes it to his home to see it encased in a Vegas light show where it then disappears.
He eventually reunites with his daughter and wife who have magically reappeared and they all stumble across his son, father and mother who are all riding on horses in the desert after the house vanished.
They all then continue down a desert road, cross a hill & discover a new alien dome city with flying electric trains and cars and it is then that the man realizes; he has died and gone to hell.