eleventophats Reviews

Black Dog (1998)

Mock gravitas and laughable dialogue

[1/10 · 31 March 2003]

HAHAHAHAHA

Oh, that amused me!

I'm not quite sure which bit was the funniest: Being chased through a house and trying to hold up the pursuit by throwing a plastic laundry basket, the 'urban myth' style story of the eponymous Black Dog told with an attempt at gravitas, or Meat Loaf's bizarre performance quoting random sections of bible-speak not even relevant to his situation.

Oh, the fight between the two figures of authority was risible too. Ooh get me, I'll snatch that piece of paper from your hands. How butch.

Dreadful dialogue and endless shots of gear changes do not a good movie make. The action is laughable and predictable with villains' vehicles exploding on contact and the good guy's rig indestructible.

Don't quite know what made me watch it till the end, but I did.

Very poor and not quite funny enough to make it watchable (again)

An Awfully Big Adventure (1995)

Not big, not an adventure, but most certainly awful

[1/10 · 17 August 2001]

I have sat through several bad movies, most of which to be fair had awful performances and dire plot, however this film contrives to be one of the most ghastly experiences of my life.

Picture the scene - one goes to the cinema to watch some harmless piece of British costume drama and one is confronted by an eternity watching awful people perform awful acts on themselves and each other.

I appreciate that the performances were actually good. I like Alan Rickman as much as the next person and even Hugh Grant is good in the film (and against type too; well done Hugh!), but still nothing - no review - no warning can prepare you for the horror of sitting through this

I once, near the end of the film (and thinking 'Well, maybe I just don't get it') turned to see the audience reaction - they appeared to be having as much fun as I was - both of them!

Even dear old Prunella puts in an appearance (then again, there are always the supermarket ads, but the less said the better I feel) and is excellent.

As a warning, I cannot recommend that you see this film - I aged 10 years in the first hour alone (how many hours did it take? I know not, but many by my physical reaction) Your time will be better spent digging that heavy clay in the north bed of your garden, or cutting your toenails, or cutting someone else's toenails or indeed watching the proverbial grass grow and paint dry.

Oh, did I mention it was depressing too?

Since writing this, a friend bought me, knowing how much I enjoyed the film, the Beryl Bainbridge novel. The book is fantastic and almost...almost makes me want to see the film again to see how they managed to turn a great piece of writing into an utter dirge.