Change Your Image
Yokam
Reviews
Knowing (2009)
A stench of a movie
Here's the bottom line. Though the same people who made this reactionary garbage would deny the rest of the world their own beliefs, we do still live in a country where everyone is entitled to their opinions. So they do have a right to spew this projectile vomit from the screen. However, sometimes I think there needs to be at least a warning label when scum movie making like this is jammed down our throats. At least if you go to see something as insidious as the "Left Behind" movies, you know what you're in for. They are made by fanatics who believe in the rapture, and actually can't wait for the end of the world, where only those who "believe" will get on their little spaceship and be transported to a world where Glen Beck and Bill O'Riley and reruns of Lawrence Welk play 24/7. But this propaganda of a movie purports to be a thriller. Maybe a little "Di Vinci Code", perhaps a dab of "The Omen"
whatever
what you don't expect is that this is yet another attempt to make people stop thinking, stop living, stop trying to "improve" the world with such "socialist" ideas as education, heath care, a clean environment, alternative fuels
you know, things that will improve our life. In their minds, it's all going to end anyway, so just give all your money away to the con-men evangelicals, live in fear and wait for ET to phone home and take you away.
Oh, and if you don't believe in their fairy tale, then you will have to stay behind and burn. God (pun intended) forbid you believe in the satiety of living things, the glory of thought, the magnificence of science, and the freedom of forming your own ideas.
Why Nick Cage is in this is anyone's guess. Money, I assume. But you can see he's not happy. Throughout he has the pain expression of someone getting a colostomy without any medication. The movie is ugly to look at. It permeates with that smell you get in the summer, when some field rat has died under your bedroom window. It's dirty. Cluttered. Suffocating. Joyless. One has to wonder who said okay to this? Why would anyone want to pay money to see this? Seriously, I've had more enjoyment hosing out my garbage can after I found a decaying raccoon in it.
No one else of any note is in this embarrassment. The film tanked at the box office. And now, let's all hope that those that made it, will indeed be transported by some CGI spaceship and away from the rest of us. Can you imagine if this is true, and all these freaks really are taken away? And we were rid of them once and for all? As good 'ol Louie said: "What a wonderful world it would be".
Outlander (2008)
The Movie that Crashed to Earth
If ever there was an example of just what a traffic accident Hollywood is becoming it's this turkey. It horrifically shows that from this point forward there seems to be not the slightest desire to actually create anything fresh, new or creative. In this debacle, a spaceman crash lands on Earth, with a bunch of bodies of his family
all killed by a monster, that yes, oh by the way, he was also carrying on the ship! Yes, it not only stinks of the movie "Alien", but that monster seems to be getting lots of work these days. Since it's the same damn monster. Sure it glows in the dark and at some points has a "stingray" type tail, but when you finally see it in the light, yep, it's the same monster. You'd think he'd give the work to some of his buddies.
This spaceman is from the future, and another planet, where supposedly things have evolved, you'd think that after all those years, he would have evolved. You'd say: just think of what he could bring to these people now, with what he knows. You'd think that. But "thinking" is not something these "film makers" have obviously ever done. They are amebas that just keep going foreword without thought, feeling or soul.
Oh, see
I forgot to mention
see this staggeringly unoriginal claptrap takes place in the days of the Vikings! So, you see
it's different. Alien monster is not a few years in the future
but he's gone back to the past. See, that makes it all different now! Except now you have this spaceman from the future from another planet, dealing with the "primitive" Spam loving folk of two thousand years ago. Gee, you'd think there would be something interesting here. Did anyone see "Starman"
a beautiful little movie that actually used that premise? No
it was just another way of combining all the Sword and Sorcery movies with the ton of "Alien" rip-offs. I mean, you'd think this spaceman's advance abilities would help these "primitive" mead drinking warriors? Actually no. Nothing. In fact, he seems to know just how to parry-thrust with a sword like any good warrior of the iron age. There's a quick second where there's some kind of mention that he can't ride a horse, but that's given up quickly, and he jumps on (even with his hands tied!) and rides like the wind.
In fact at one point, he's the one who devises the trap to try and get this monster, as if he's been out on the range his whole life barnstorming and digging wells. Shouldn't that be the other way around? Shouldn't they show him a thing or two of how to live off the land? Shouldn't both of the cultures either clash, or teach each other something? Nope. That would mean some kind of creative thought. No, this one has the benevolent old king with the braids in his hair (oh, and are you ready
played by "Alien" actor John Hurt), the dashing king-to-be, the king's daughter, who doesn't like the king-to-be, the battling leader of the other tribe, and
yes, the little orphan boy. And the boy learns to
no
that would again be too much. The boy doesn't learn a thing except how to cut his hair.
There's a great bit of Déjà vu in the scenes of the alien creature in his lair gathering bodies like squirrels to nuts (it gets cold in the winter up there in Norway, you have to be prepared)
along with guys not with guns and flashlights, but swords and torches running around dripping tunnels (why do they all have to drip
just because Ridley Scott did it once, does EVERYONE have turn around in drips!!!) and being eaten.
Yes, one does think again and again of "Monty Python's Holy Grail", except, in this case it's the audience who needs to be shouting: "Run away
run away!" I watched this with a crowd of Sci-Fi people, who really tried to like this movie for the first half
but even they began to hiss and boo, as one overused scene after another vomited its way onto the screen. At one point when you have the proverbial girl dangling off a cliff, being held by two fingers by the hero screams: "swing me!" it was over. The crowd burst into gales of laughter. Yes, they were laughing AT the movie. Then, started the mass exodus through the dark (they "film makers" put all their money on bad CGI effects, and didn't have enough for lights, so it was always dark in the theater), without the slightest interest in seeing what they knew was the obvious ending.
However the few that stayed, were rewarded in that they got to see one of the most unintentionally hilarious send offs of the end of "North By Northwest" ever filmed. But I'm telling you
this monster is no Eva Marie Saint.
I've purposely not mentioned the names of those responsible for this junk food called a movie. Check it out above you in the credits. And do whatever you can to keep them from doing this again. These are not individuals who should ever be given money and shout "action", or "cut", or "less light", or "we can't do that, it's never been done before!" No, there needs to be "stalker laws" for non talents like this. They need to have an injunction to keep them at least fifty feet away from any studio, sound stage, CGI shop, or DVD Player. The last so they can't continue to make movies solely by imitation.
Woman Times Seven (1967)
Woman MINUS Six
It's always a bit sad when you remember a movie for so long, with such joy, and then finally when it comes out on DVD and you rush to view it, well, as Mr. Wolfe likes to say: "You can't go home again". I first saw this movie as a little boy, sneaking into the neighborhood theater. "Woman's Times Seven" was, after all one of those "foreign films" (though not really), and I was told that no self respecting all American boy should see it. So I was there the first day it opened. For a little boy, seeing Shirley Maclaine reading TS Elliot in the nude, or running around with heart-of-gold prostitutes was enough to proclaim this a masterpiece. For some strange reason this was a movie that didn't find its way onto regular TV, or even cable (or perhaps I just missed it), and only recently came out on DVD. So it remained as a great film in my mind all these years.
But then I just saw it again.
The problem is that six of the seven stories, watching them now as an "old man", just don't work. They are, more "shaggy puppy stories", than anything. Simple ideas (grieving widow being seduced in "eye shot" of her dead husband, scorned wife seeking revenge, pampered rich bitch, crazy UN translator, suicidal mistress, plain housewife trying to bring life back into her marriage, etc.) just fall apart after the first scene.
Sure, I remember Lex Barker as the ultimate writer cliché
two massive dogs at his side, ever lit pipe, writing sexy novels in his study wearing a smoking jacket, (and from then on wanted nothing more than to write novels myself!)
but basically so much of this film is forgettable, and the endings just sort of fizzle out. The first story, with Peter Sellers, the "family friend" escorting the beautiful grieving widow, walking right behind a horse-drawn Hearst along with a party of mourners, trying to seduce her while her dead husband's body is still warm, could have been wonderful
especially if they had allowed Sellers to do his own thing. But director De Sica (who plays a cameo in this story as one of the mourners) keeps it cold, and by the numbers. There is no motivation for what Maclaine decides to do at the end of this story. This seems to be a problem with the next five stories, their pay-offs are basically bankrupt.
Sure, even as a boy I got the joke that the photo of her lover in the story where she was a UN Translator having a "night" with two horny bureaucrats, was actually Marlon Brando, but when that one gag (which, by the way, they play into the ground) becomes the highlight of what should have been a "shocking" celebration of a possible "ménage a trios", then you have problems.
And when have you ever seen Alan Arkin complete wasted before?
So many of the endings have this kind of self-satisfied "shrug" to them. A sort of "oh well" sensibility that seems more cop-out than pseudo existentialism.
However, the reason I call this review "woman minus six", is that the movie is completely redeemed by the seventh and final story, called "Snow". A simple story, the most beautifully photographed in the streets of Paris, shows two best friends, Maclaine and Anita Ekberg on a shopping day, being pursued by what they believe to be a young smitten wannabe lover. In sweet simple scenes you follow the "suitor", (played with elegant grace by Michael Caine
and without one word of dialogue!) as he seems to pursue these two women. When they decide to split up after lunch to see which one he truly is after (although Ekberg does say: "Maybe he wants us both, he could be one of those moderns) Maclaine. to her joy, finds that he continues to follower her.
I won't spoil the ending, but this truly was a pure, finely crafted story, which says more about women, their needs, hopes, desires, fears and fantasy's, in fifteen minutes, than most movies do in two hours.
And finally Ortolani's theme which has been repeated through every story, also finally makes sense. Everything comes together in this last story. I'm sure there is no coincidence that it was placed last. They must have know it was the best. If only they had realized that, and thrown the other six out and started over
using "Snow" as their bar to try and rise above.
Thunder in Paradise (1994)
Surprisingly good action-adventure series!
I first saw this not as a series, but as a movie in Italy. I was surprised because everything in Italy was dubbed, and this was not. Not even subtitles. But the audience didn't seem to mind. They loved it. Carol Alt (one of the regulars), was a huge star in Italy, and this was all about her. She gets kidnapped, and ends up in a "Morocco" type country, and has to be rescued. You get the picture. But I was surprised by the quality of the writing, directing, and especially the production values. Beautifully photographed, and just a delight. Clever. Yes, Hulk Hogan was even clever (well, the writer made him clever, and the director made him a good actor).
When I back home came to the States, I soon discovered that what I saw was once a two part episode, that had extra footage shot, and made into a feature for foreign distribution (though I think now you can get these on DVD). They did this for a few of the shows. The actual series was running on TV, and I watched them all with my kids. They got better and better. As I've read, they were all shot at Disney World, and Disney, (which was not the production company), opened up their doors. Literally. They even shot in Sleeping Beauty's Castle, and had their high-tech talking stealth boat in the moat! Jack Lemon's son, Chris was Hulk's sidekick, and showed both his father's humor, along with a new kind of intensity. Of course Carol Alt was wonderful, and my all time favorite, Patrick Macnee from the original "ADVENGERS" series gave it the foundation and roots you need. You know, like Leo G. Carroll in "The Man From "U.N.C.L.E.", or Edward Mulhare in "Knightrider". But Patrick is in a class all his own.
I'm sure TV budgets aren't that big, but every episode looked like a feature film. Lots of great guest stars, especially from the ranks of wrestling, when they had stars! Lots of original music too. This was produced, I've discovered by the same guys who brought you "Baywatch". This was so much better. Maybe because they were able to get off the hot sand! You can see a lot of the same formula, but this one actually had well written story's, good dialogue, and movie class action and special effects (the explosions were spellbinding!). In one episode I believe they blew up an entire school! And this is before CGI.
It's easy to put shows like this down. Especially when Hulk Hogan is in it. And this was long before his entire family went on TV, and then self-destructed. But really. It takes a special talent to pull something like this off
give you comedy, action, warmth, and even emotion and message! I wish they'd bring this back. I can't think of a show on TV these days that has such wonderful "escapism"! Ah, for the days of "Thunder In Paradise", and "Magnum PI"!
Man on Fire (2004)
It doesn't get worse than this. A truly ugly, hateful movie
I could say I'd keep this short and sweet, but this excrement of a waste of a movie is long and repugnant. I thought 3000 Miles from Vegas, or whatever that abortion was called was the ugliest most vile movie ever made... now its belt has been ripped from its syphilitic body by this pile of puss. Please, if you have never seen this movie, stay far, far away, because even renting it, and holding the jewel box in your hand will cause a rash and a horrific smell that will make Lady MacBeth's "spot" look like a smudge.
This truly boarders on a snuff movie. A bad one at that. Tony Scott has always been a hateful, vile man who makes movies that show his own self-loathing. As a "man" he is unable to feel for anyone or anything, nor have any normal relationships, so he defecates on the screen and hopes he can spread his unhappiness, and perversions onto the general public, feeling that if they all have his disease, he won't be alone anymore. But why would someone with such talent and soul as Denzel agree to be a part of this disgraceful waste?
I've heard that filmmakers with the lease talent and the biggest egos serf the web to read their reviews... no matter where they come from, so obviously Tony will be here. So let me tell you to your face, Tony-boy. You should be arrested. You should be put away. It should be a felony for you ever to make a movie again. There's a reason you hate yourself so much... because the world truly hates you for the projectile vomit that spews from your work. As with the director himself, this smut is tasteless, humorless, and devoid of an ounce of either tension, entertainment, creativity or purpose.
In this monstrosity, a young girl is brutally murdered by corrupt Mexican police, and in this movie, it seems anyone who is Latin is dirty. So we have to watch as Denzel, who was her bodyguard, and let her be captured and killed, methodically goes around the slums of Mexico systematically and with psychotic sadistic glee torture anyone who was involved then killing them with childish "creativity". So... you want to see this? Tell you what. My dog got into the Bacon-Bites today, and has left massive puddles of diarrhea on my concert porch. Come on over. And look at his handiwork. You'll find it much more pleasant. As for Tony and his "ilk"... we can only wish that there's a Denzel out there who wants to stop all you from your own evil deeds, and rid this world of your movies once and for all. Now that would make a great story!
Thunder in Paradise II (1994)
CLEVERLY WRITTEN/DIRECTED SUPREME ACTION ADVENTURE!
This beautifully produced action-adventure is the best of the series! I originally rented this at the video store since I'm a huge Carole Alt fan, and I could see she was well featured in this movie. Okay, so I was a bit embarrassed checking out a Hulk Hogan movie... but WOW... this one was a total delight! Move over "Rush Hour" and "Double Take", and all those action-adventure comedies... the duo of Hulk and Chris Lemmon, Carole Alt's charm and beauty (she's never looked more beautiful than in this movie), and the awesome production values makes this perfect summertime viewing. You can also watch it again and again, and if you have children... it's perfect for them. The action is more fun than bloody, and the use of Hulk's daughter (that is, the actress playing his daughter) in the film gives the movie a great "attitude" for kids to watch and feel apart of the adventure. In the movie Carole's character shares a "mutual" dream with a far-away prince, which brings them together, and makes her trust this "dreamboat" enough to take her back with him to "Kismet". Unfortunately his motives are not all fairy tale, and she is held prisoner, causing Hulk and Chris to come to the rescue. The expert `Speilberg-esk' direction by Doug Schwartz, is just plain wonderful! Special attention should also be taken to one of the most exciting, not to mention hysterically funny edge-of-your-seat chase sequences I've ever seen, again, beautifully directed, up and down the ancient buildings, scaffolding, and all kinds of poles, ropes and ladders, culminating in a delightful "back and forth" with Hulk and Chris, which rates right up there with the classic "cliff jumping scene" between Redford and Newman in "Butch Cassidy".
The story and dialogue (the script was written by Tom J. Greene), is amazingly clever, characters well drawn out (Hulk and Chris' "food tasting trick" on a prison guard is a down right classic, and their comic timing is up there with Laurel and Hardy!). Also, Ms. Alt shows a wonderful comic flair which I wish producers would allow her to show off in all her movies... especially the Italian ones. She is a gem! I'm sure there wasn't a very big budget for this movie, so I really was astonished at how "big" the movie looks. (Again a big nod to Schwartz's directing). It's more "Indiana Jones" than the usual low-rent Hulk Hogan movies. If you can't afford to buy this new, by all means rent it for the whole family. It's a joy. Especially with the dearth of good family adventure entertainment out there right now!
Wildside (1985)
An American Classic!
Tom Greene's "Wildside" totally takes its place as not only one of the top ten best Westerns of all times... but as one of the all time classics... a top ten in ANY category! I've already talked about this in the "Amazon" website review, but I wanted to let loose here in IMDB for those who may not get there. I talk about Wildside as if it were a feature film, since when I first saw it on TV as a Mini-Series, I was totally taken by the depth of emotion, the smart dialogue, quirky, totally original characters, the humor, and best of all, the production values. I kept forgetting when talking to people about Wildside, that I didn't see it on the big screen... since everything about the six hours of delightful entertainment is larger than life... and so very cinematic. From the very first scene, all done without dialogue were "Hatchet's" gang blow up a safe at a bank... and show how totally mean they really are (you just have to watch what they do to the little boy's goldfish!), you know you're watching an intelligent, well-crafted piece of work that knows when to go for the laughs, when to go for the heart, and when to go for the throat! Many of the actors went on to superstardom... like Meg Ryan, and Howard Rollins and James Cromwell to name just a few that I remember, but honestly I don't think I've ever seen any of them do better work than right here. Especially Meg. There are also just great classic actors, like William Smith (playing a really wonderful good guy, which I don't think he's ever done then or since... and it's amazing how much he reminds me of "Hipshot Percussion" from the old "Rick O'Shay" western cartoon strip!) and Buck Taylor and Geoffrey Lewis, and that Indian from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"... and many great faces that you've seen now and then... all of them showing off the kinds of characterizations and acting ability that you just don't see in TV. I guess because they are all true hero's... with 3D backstories, and motivations that make everything they do totally understandable. One of the best of all the characters is played by actress Robin Hoff, who I haven't seen before or since, in one of the most brilliant parts I've ever seen on TV... playing the town's undertaker as if she was the head of the Varsity High School Cheerleading Squad! Total inspiration! And her love scenes in her funeral parlor with the sexy gaucho, played by John DiAquino, are pure genius! Anyone who has ideas of being an actor, a writer or a director should study Wildside... it doesn't get any better. Why this was only a Mini-Series is anyone's guess. I could see it on the air for as long as, let's say Gunsmoke or Bonanza. One other point... you don't have to be a western fan to love this show. Though in my opinion it's the most successful and faithful western every put on the small screen, it is more about people and situations than about guns and horses. There is one episode in which Howard Rollins is about to propose to the love-of-his-life, only to discover the next morning that she has died, and therefore so shocked with grief that he can not accept the fact that it was "natural causes", and instead goes off on an almost suicidal search for "the killer" (not realizing that the "killer" is simply life's fate). If ever there was a more magnificent tone-poem about love and grief and forgiveness and acceptance... I can't find it. The scene with Howard and Meg Ryan, where she tries to explain the realities of life to him is by far the most brilliant acted, directed and written moments of truth you will ever experience. And if you're not a babbling puddle of tears with a lump in your throat the size of Monument Valley at the end of that episode, where Howard says good-bye to his dead love, talking to the trees and stars... then you must be dead yourself! Am I going overboard with my praise? I don't think so. See for yourself. The test of a classic is one that once you start looking at it, you can't stop watching, and even if you have it on video, even if you've just seen it, if your "flipping around the TV, and it's on again, you sit and watch it, and can't STOP watching it (i.e.: "The Godfather I & 2). Wildside is such a piece. And once you've experienced it, you'll find that the characters all stay with you like great old friends (I espeically LOVE legendary wrestler Terry Funk as one of the "Wildside" five! Tell me if you've ever seen such a huggable teddy bear!)Special note should be paid also to the attention to detail and close-up work. And very special attention should be made to the art direction and to Ozzie Smith's camera work. Watch it and tell me when you've seen anything this good!