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Reviews
Master Gardener (2022)
"Is this a satire?" he asked.
"Is this a satire?" the person next to me asked about 3/4 of the way through this movie. His question landed during yet another unintentionally funny scene. And we laughed (we were most definitely NOT supposed to be laughing, for this was CINÉMA! Art!).
The last quarter became even more parodic; what a tremendous cinematic feat! Nominate Schrader again, immediately!!!
All jests aside: if you're skeptical of this movie, having already heard about or watched "First Reformed" (as I unfortunately did), please heed the following warning.
This movie is almost as bad in its comically over-earnest approach and pandering messaging. And it contains yet another unnecessary CGI fantasy sequence that detracts from whatever dead-serious tone it was already failing at trying to set. What a waste of a great cast.
One could imagine that this will entertain and enrapture its target audience, confirming all of their priors as it goes, delivering emotional payouts at just the right time, et cetera. But that says more about their safe and generic (yet supposedly erudite) tastes and beliefs than it does the quality of the movie.
If you're the opposite of the target audience I just described do yourself a favor and save precious hours of your life. Watch something else. Thank goodness you're aware enough to realize that this movie wasn't fabricated for the likes of us. Cheers, anon.
Hypnotic (2023)
Watch Affleck's soul leak out through his eyes
Some people say Christopher Nolan's (recent) films are a foolish person's idea of smart movies. But I'd wager that even this film is a foolish person's idea of a foolish movie. It's competently made so it doesn't dip below a five, for me, but Rodriguez is capable of better filmmaking (at least he was at one point).
Affleck knows he's better than this. And it shows. Even he can't suspend his disbelief in the subject material. At least people on the crew got paid. It's clear they did their best. But the screenplay just doesn't cut it. I still wonder why I attempted to finish it. Maybe just so I could write this review and warn others to steer clear.
The Sandman: The Doll's House (2022)
Quality dialogue, and the delivery of, are lacking
Either I was ignorant of particularly shoddy line delivery, or the written dialogue itself, in previous episodes or something is particularly off about this installment. Sometimes poor exposition can be covered up by amazing actors. That didn't happen here.
One would hope this is just a temporary dip in the series and future episodes improve.
Note: I hope no one who worked on the show reads this, as I assume they all tried their hardest. Or maybe they were dealt unfair hands by upper management and forced to compromise on quality in this particular episode for some reason.
The Outfit (2022)
How boring could just one film location be...
NOT boring, is the answer. If you like Rylance you'll love this. He's perfect. And it's currently free on Peacock. Understated yet deep enough. Sure to give any fan of Chicago mob movies a different experience than the norm of these sorts of films.
The Wheel of Time: The Eye of the World (2021)
I read the books as they came out and...
...and I thought this was a good season finale.
To those other brave and hardy few who did time, waiting alongside us in the trenches for each book to finally be printed, a message:
Haters (who can't appreciate that at least this series was finally made*) should check themselves before they wreck themselves-or someone else.
The series was always going to be unfilmable. And some may say it still is and this series proof of that. But for what it's worth I'm fine with this series finale. It's fine. A big bowl of fine.
*if only a handful of extra readers pick up the books from watching the show that is more than we had before reading the books. And they will tell more people and then ever more readers will be exposed to one of the better epic fantasy series of all time. So slow your roll and stop drinking your haterade, fam. Some of you übernerdy diehard fans would have hated anything anyone made (no matter what). "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" (or in the case of this series the "alright/fine/acceptable").
So if you really love the books rate the show higher and cut it some slack. You really want to horde the books all to yourselves? Keep demonizing/nitpicking a cast and crew saddled with an impossible and that's what you'll be doing. Every punitive, low rating of an episode or season means less people watch the show which means less potential readers.
Bad news diehards: no series of books or comic books will ever be perfectly filmmable masterpieces (and this one is FAR from perfect-and will remain so unless something drastically changes). But at least it's there to spark the interest of a young kid and point them toward Jordan's/Sanderson's work.
The French Dispatch of the Liberty, Kansas Evening Sun (2021)
Forced to watch
My sister forced me to buy this onerous exercise of Anderson's onanism over Christmas break. I told her we could watch whatever she wanted before remembering that A) Andersons's latest was swirling in the drain B) my sister is a basic B.
Now I have the worst decision of my life sitting in my digital cloud drive as a constant reminder that sometimes one shouldn't compromise on taste. Like most big directors there isn't anyone left to tell Anderson "no" (except dumb nobodies like me shaking our fists upward toward uncaring clouds). Anderson's tawdry excesses, once fun twee bits of gossamer, now burden all his pictures as he sacrifices style for even a sou of sentimental substance. I gave my sister a bunch of gifts this year but I hope she appreciates the one that scarred my soul the most. And I hope one day to have the courage to confront my past and delete the digital stain that burns like Christmas coal in my chest; admitting to myself that I made a terrible mistake in letting her choose a film might finally bring clarity and healing.
PS Mr. Anderson: when you make your incredibly talented cast deliver your monotonous monologues you commit a crime against cinema, paying customers, and perhaps art itself. The four star rating is for your cast having to listen to your direction (and then ignore their instinct to imbue their characters with life).
Warlock (1989)
Wrong and yet...
There are several things "wrong" with this film but it's a cheesy 80s classic, what could one expect? Overacting, bad acting, and also the best acting in the world really create a fine tapestry that is greater than its individual parts alone might indicate. Come for the cheese stay and for the world class special effects (and Richard E. Grant's fur coat).
Midnight Mass (2021)
Monologue Mass
Supernatural/occult/creature feature horror is not "realistic", and the fans of the genre(s) don't demand traditional believability.
But to get audience buy-in (about the more fanciful aspects of these genres) the humans in these stories need to be believable. Their humanity sells the inhumanity of their foes all the better. I don't believe that any humans ever go on the lengthy sort of uninterrupted diatribes that Flanagan's characters do here. I've enjoyed his previous work but I don't think even those have such long speeches from any characters.
I've read elsewhere that Stephen King's longer books could use a heavier hand in the editing/paring down of word count (and that Flanagan is similar to King in several aspects). Perhaps the screenwriters of Midnight Mass can find the same brevity one day that Stephen King's shorter stories employ.
This was a great concept that got lost in its own navel. It was competent in other aspects that Flanagan excels at. He's a truly gifted creator. But all creators need constraints to be their best. No filmmaker is an all powerful god, as no human is either. That seemed to be one of the main themes of this show.
Some sort of lesson for screenwriters in that, I'd think.
Review: Road Rage; Orgy (2014)
Zoooooouks!
Jason is in this. A+ for this fact alone, of course.
Review: Pancakes; Divorce; Pancakes (2014)
One of the best...
One of the best episodes of the series, and perhaps all of history (not to be hyperbolic or anything).
Penny Dreadful (2014)
A feat of storytelling
From the costuming to the writing to the direction and sets this series is one of the best fantasy shows of all time. It you like the macabre and a bit of fun you'll love this show.
Nathan for You: Dumb Starbucks (2014)
One of the better eps of one of the best CC shows
Nathan is a gift to this world. This was a great episode, not surprising considering how great Nathan's grade were in school. Prodigies usually excel later in life, as Nathan did in this programme.
Ghosts: The Thomas Thorne Affair (2020)
A fantastic Rashomon-esque piece
A credit to the comedy genre and only possible within the paranormal setting. Too much explaining might spoil the plot so I won't. It's really really good, though. If you're this far into the series you know that already.
Ghosts (2019)
Paranormal + Fun
Really fun. And there are ghosts. Two of my favorite things! Interesting that USA broadcaster CBS has placed an order for a season to debut in 2021. That's usually a mark of quality for a show (if you're on the fence about watching it).
Meet the Richardsons (2020)
Delightful little show
I say "little" not to demean the show but in reference to its scope; it takes place in a village, after all. Yet it boasts big UK talent. Excited to see it was renewed for a third series. If you're a fan of Jon Richardson you will a) appreciate his acting chops b) love the show, and c) appreciate his long-suffering wife who keeps him alive so we can enjoy more of him for years to come. So grateful to have found this programme.
Army of the Dead (2021)
Don't compare it to Dawn of the Dead
Who knows what happened here? Snider's first movie was a better zombie flick, probably because the characters were more believable (even if they were surviving through a zombie apocalypse). It has its moments it's just not DotD.
Assassins (2020)
One of the better Sundance Docs
I've seen several docs at Sundance over the years and this is one of the best. Hearing the producer answer questions at the Q&A reinforced what interesting and difficult experiences it took to bring this film to the screen. The behind the scenes work paid off and it's all up there on the screen. The team crafted a time, and location, spanning work of great value to those interested in geo and interpersonal politics.
Boys from County Hell (2020)
Unique twist on Vampire lore
This is a competently made vampire tale. I've seen a lot of vampire movies and I have to say the setting here (and blend of humor/action) add a fun twist to the corpus of the genre. If one enjoys Irish accents/locales all the more reason to enjoy this. Also, the last kill of the film is something I've never seen before, and that is saying something considering the myriad ways heroes usually resolve conflict in this genre. It is surprising and emblematic of the inventive/humorous/grisly tack the filmmakers chose throughout the film and is what elevates it above the usual fare.
Mayhem (2017)
"Mayhem" walks a knife's edge
Competent filmmaking can stumble in situations like these (mid-size budgets, adequate star power, and good-enough scripts). Fall to one side and one gets a hot mess of "what might have been" while on the other side lies a path to greatness. This film walks that edge and lands on the latter side: i.e. I liked it. Something for everyone here: revenge fans, rage-virus fans, and good ol' fashioned goreheads (like me). It's no masterpiece but it does very well in a difficult spot with what tools it has to hand, much like the film's protagonist.
Ready or Not (2019)
It's fun
I tend to be long-winded on these reviews but for once I won't be. If you like horror movies and films that play with genre expectations you'll enjoy this one. It's fun.
What We Do in the Shadows: The Curse (2020)
One of the better eps of this show
A perfect mixture of olde world superstition and modern tech. The mailer-daemon tag was particularly inspired. This installment is one of the more apt examples of why I love this show's particular blend of humour. WWDITS is definitely in my top ten favorite programmes of all time. Kudos to the writing staff, directors, and actors that bring it all to such vibrant life.
Battlestar Galactica: Rapture (2007)
Another stellar episode
Pretty good. Nice job balancing tension and release in two different ships and on the ground.
Eastern Promises (2007)
London Blues + Vor Tattoos
A dreary London and black tattoos collide in a perfectly dark symphony. Though this is more of a chamber piece than an orchestra like "The Godfather" the comparisons are apt re that seminal film. This is a modern classic playing with the same tones/pitch Coppola first synthesized.
It's too bad the studio didn't follow through with a sequel as this is one of the best gangster movies of all time. Cronenberg's deft touch with violence is lighter here than some of his more overt giallo-esque splatterings, and the lack of tremendous gore fits the theme well. People usually disgusted by his body horror works will actually be able to stomach this film.
And that is the tragedy in not letting the director and actors, who were willing to return, finish the story with a sequel: it is one of Cronenberg's most palatable works. Thank you for the first film, Focus Features, but gosh darn ya for not letting the second breathe.
Instead of watching the sequel all we can do is mash our keys in disgust. I have very little doubt that it was budgetary concerns, not artistic merit, that sunk the sequel to one of the most well-received crime films of its era
Fatman (2020)
No flying reindeer, but full of dark Santa fun
"You think I got this job because I'm fat and jolly?" By the time you reach the end of the movie (where this line is read by the titular Gibson) you already know what this film is about. The preceding film sets up this darkly comedic line perfectly after a procession of atypical Santa fair.
This is the sort of movie that was just waiting in the ether, ready to be picked up and executed, the concept is that good.
I'm not sure what people were expecting in a film bearing this premise. Perhaps they wanted more reindeer? It fully delivered on the theme and sports a great cast and for that I give it full marks. As usual, ignore the haters that expected something other than what this competent crew delivered (as these people are usually not the best sorts to take recommendations from).
Nacho Libre (2006)
Not Napoleon Dynamite; unfair
In case you couldn't tell from the title of the film, this is NOT "Napoleon Dynamite" (ND). There is an extent cartoon series of Napoleon and Co. if you want more ND-style. I wish I could give this 10/10 but I can't. Maybe that's why the Hess films aren't as popular as they could be as I too fall victim to the runaway success of ND: I feel no film can compare to a first time watch of ND. This is the unfair bit.
But "Nacho Libre" comes close to ND with several satisfying similarities.
"Nacho Libre" is a heartwarming tale with a style that can only be described as Hess-ian. I'm not usually a fan of "family friendly films" but this is an exception, as is ND. Check out "Don Verdean" and "Gentlemen Broncos" if Sam Rockwell + a Hess vibe is your thing. They use Rockwell perfectly and I'd like to see that pairing continue. Would be nice to see them pair with ol Jack Black again too, for that matter.