FlaviusAetius Reviews

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

The antithesis to good movies.

[1/10 · 2 April 2007]

This isn't a movie. This isn't even a home video. It's a home video that aspired to be a movie but crashed somewhere in-between, and plummeted through the abyss to depths unimaginable by the mainstream. Coherence is the film's greatest foe: bizarrity and incompetence its watchwords. This is it, bad movie buffs. This is Manos: Hands of Fate.

Years ago, in the dusty desert outside El Paso, an unknown fertilizer salesman decided to craft a horror film with the assistance of friends throughout the El Paso area, and a legend was born. Armed with $19,000 dollars, a cheap 16mm camera, and absolutely no knowledge of the art of film-making whatsoever, Hal P. Warren set out upon his masterpiece.

There is absolutely no redeeming quality about Manos. There is no directing, the editing appears as if it was done by a blind member of some mud-crawling insect species, the artwork is a stain upon the name of art, the script is a poorly cluttered and illogical joke masking the director's fantasies, the dialog will have you tear out your eardrums with your fingernails, and the acting is so atrocious you will feel as if the movie has violated you. It isn't as bad as Monster-a-Go-Go, but it almost manages to snatch the sorry laurels of worst movie ever made from that Lovecraftian abomination.

Manos must have put good directors like Kubrick or Capra in convulsions during its production: so powerful is the elemental force of badness flowing from every stinking pore of its perverse form. It is the polar opposite to the good movie, the parameters of its illogicity and non-acting existing to defy the borders of taste, and ultimately, sanity. Every grainy, scratchy, blurry frame of the muddy color palette and every sound byte of the poorly synchronized and terribly dubbed dialog offers an entrancing glance into a deeper, darker world of madness that is Manos the Hands of Fate. It is not of this earth. It is not of our dimension. Surely Hal P. Warren was some malfeasant alien god from a realm far removed from our own, hurtling across the icy chasms of space with a vile mission in store for the unsuspecting members of the cinematic world.

Its legacy, however, lives on in the form of Mystery Science Theater. The acid-tipped barbs flew fast and furiously, striking the venerable beast in its countless weak points, crafting from the chaos a comedic gem that approaches cinematic perfection stamped into the world of movies in its own stinking ichor. This is Manos: Hands of Fate. This is the purifying baptism of fire that scourges the detestable vestiges of mediocrity and normalcy from the mainstream viewer and forever makes them a member of the cult world, the world of bad movies and weirdness that cannot be imagined. It is the cornerstone, the figurehead, the mighty totem representing everything that Mystery Science Theater and the legions of bad movie sites across the Web hold dear to their hearts.

Rejoice, connoisseurs of bad movies! Fall upon the dark altar of Manos to pay homage to Torgo and the Master, and forever remember the twisted legacy they wrought from the tangled celluoid! Imitate Torgo's stumbling walk and high-brained drawl, until it fuses with the very core of your being!

Eragon (2006)

A laughable affair

[2/10 · 25 March 2007]

What happens when you take an unoriginal, crappy, but popular book and make it into a movie? An unoriginal, crappy, but popular movie? Yes, yes, and no. Even Paolini's rabid fan-base caught wind of the pungent stench of this heap, and failed to turn it into the blockbuster it was projected to be.

Eragon, an unassuming farm-boy, has his world turned upside down the day he receives a dragon egg, making him a Dragon Rider whose destiny is to battle the evil king Galbatorix(played by an epically bored John Malkovich). To Eragon's aid is the tragically wasted Jeremy Irons as Brom, the wise old swordsman who guides him on his adventures.

What's wrong with this movie? Where to start.....the acting is stiff and wooden at best, the plot is a hackneyed rip-off of Star Wars, there's absolutely no interest in the characters, the editing is horrible, making the movie feel like a clumsily-taped together montage of disconnected images rather than a single flowing work, and the action scenes are far too quick and amazingly boring. The characters from the book are mere cameos and are confined to only a few lines of dialog before being shoved off the rim of the abyss into obscurity, allowing the Gary Stu hero of the Inheritance series to take his rightful place at the spotlight once more to soak up attention like a malefic sponge.

Ed Speelers is ghastly as Eragon, who can't seem to muster emotion even when his uncle dies. (Boo-hoo.) Deus ex Machina riddles every foul hole and rat-infested crevice of this corrupt beast of a film. My friend and I made a running joke of looking at the sky and thanking God whenever one of the Deus ex Machinas reared their ugly heads. There's simply no end to why this movie fails at nearly every fundamental level. When the plot stutters and staggers, some random, arbitrary element is injected into the mix to keep things moving.

Example: The epic siege of Farthen Dur ends with Eragon victorious. Pretty much the end of the movie: what do we do now? We have to establish a basis for the sequel! "LOL! LESSGO TO ELESSMERA!" Whatever the hell that is.

Good things: well, the scenery was beautiful. I don't know where they shot it, but it sure was nice. Of course, there are plenty of far superior movies that show equal-if-not better scenery(coughLordoftheRingscough). The special effects were spotty but were nice in spots. Jeremy Irons is by far the best actor in the movie (Rachel Weisz does an admirable job with voice work as well.) He manages to bring depth to a one-dimensional character, and refuses to go down without a fight even with his limp co-cast and a horrible script. Unlike John Malkovich, who can finally boast he's given a performance as bad as Shadow of the Vampire was good, he refuses to phone his performance in.

All in all, Eragon barely counts as a movie. Will there be a sequel? Hopefully not.

300 (2006)

Prepare for Glory!!!!!

[10/10 · 12 March 2007]

300 roars through the post-Oscar Hollywood climate and delivers a bone-crunching, head-slicing, rip-roaring good time with a dark, twistedly delicious CGI-generated style. Essentially a dark fantasy movie-graphic novel adaptation of the 480 BC battle of Thermopylae, 300 moves with style and substance.

The mighty Persian empire looms over Greece with the threat of invasion. King Leonidas of Sparta (Gerard Butler) answers the call, defying the laws of his people by taking 300 men with him to the Thermopylae pass to battle the vast horde summoned before him.

First off, the battle sequences are amazing. Whether fighting light Persian infantry, calvary, the fearsomely and awesomely garbed Immortals, their hulking brutes, rhinos, elephants, magicians, archers, or soldiers drawn from all over the Persian Empire, the scenes of the Spartans completely owning the Persians are fast-paced and deliriously exciting as well as beautifully shot. Blood is plentiful, gushing in rich CGI gouts from the hacked and mangled corpses of the thousands of Persian dead. The scenes transition from slow-mo to FF in the individual fight scenes: for example, after the Spartan phalanx breaks and Leonidas rushes out to demolish two dozen or so Persians single-handedly, he kills a Persian in slow-mo, then FF in the lay-up to kill another, then slows down again to deliver the killing blow. It's all remarkable.

All the acting is spot-on, with Gerard Butler and Lena Hedley leading the pack as the ruling family of Sparta. The Spartans all come off wonderfully as battle-crazed nut-jobs with dark senses of humor. Xerxes is a bizarre king who seriously thinks he's a god.

300 is to date the best movie of 2007. Go see it. Now.

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

Works the quirk factor quite well

[7/10 · 14 January 2007]

Undoubtedly the weirdest movie of 2002, this little gem is hard to pigeonhole. Horror? Comedy? Mystery? B-movie? Or the fit-all independent movie? Well, whatever it was, it was a good movie.

Elvis is still alive, and he switched places with a drug-addicted loser impersonator named Sebastian Haff who got to live the life of the king. Kind of a Prince and the Pauper dealio. However, Elvis's contract burns up before he can switch places with Haff after he gets sick of living the simple life. So, years later, he's stuck in a derelict rest home in East Texas along with a decrepit old black fart who think he's JFK. When Bubba Ho-tep, a cowboy hat, cowboy boots toting soul-sucking mummy encroaches on the rest home, Elvis and JFK must defend their home from the terror.

Just reading that above paragraph makes me chuckle at just how weird this movie is. It has a diseased sense of humor that prompts giggles throughout the film, but is mostly carried by very strong performances by both Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis. Hard to believe Campbell would make a believable King.

Most people probably haven't heard about Bubba Ho-tep and that does make sense: this does partially fit into the B-movie category. But don't let that discourage you. It's not all the time when a movie about Elvis and JFK conspiring to fight a mummy passes by.

Sharpe: Sharpe's Rifles (1993) Season 1, Episode 1

A review of the entire Sharpe series

[10/10 · 3 January 2007]

It's a crying shame this mini series didn't catch on in the US. It still stands as the best made-for-TV-movie series ever made.

Following the adventures of Richard Sharpe, a rough-and-tumble, tough-as-nails lieutenant in the Peninsular Wars, the series at first strikes you as, well, shoddy. There definitely is a made-for-TV vibe of cheapness, and the wailing electric guitars may turn off some viewers.

But then......it hooks you. You become introduced to a wonderful cast of ragtag characters. Hagman, Harper, Harris, Thomas, Perkins, and of course, Sharpe. Over the course of the series they're fleshed out and given their own personalities. By the time of the last addition to the series, they're almost like old friends. You cheer their victories and weep for their defeats. As they slowly die off, you feel real grief. At the end of Sharpe's Waterloo, in a heart-breaking scene you see both Hagman and Harris die. I nearly cried when I wasn't pumping my fist at the screen and shouting obscenities at the villainous, treacherous scum that was the Prince of Orange. When Sharpe killed him later on......so satisfying... Few characters in all media can claim the same. The action scenes are intense once you get past the made-for-TV feeling I mentioned earlier, and are truly exciting. The music may strike you as cheesy, but once you hear Hagman singing the truly awe-inspiring " Over the Hills and Far Away", all your doubts will melt away. That song is easily one of the best I've ever heard.

Perhaps the series' strongest point is it's lead: Sean Bean as Richard Sharpe. He absolutely dominates the role, snarling and growling with animalistic charisma. Never once do you doubt that Sean Bean is in fact Richard Sharpe. I mean, Bean must be the best middle-aged English actor there is. Bar none.

At the very end of the series, aside from Sharpe's Challenge because I haven't seen that, when Sharpe is marching off into the sunset accompanied to " Over the Hills and Far Away," my heart swelled. It was such a beautiful moment.....I couldn't help but hurrah at the end. A truly touching moment to one of the best series ever made.

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

A brilliant black comedy

[10/10 · 31 December 2006]

Following the dehumanization of Marines as they go through basic training and Vietnam, Kubrick's black comedy stands heads and shoulders above his other works, even Dr. Strangelove. The comedic situations are poignant but hilarious: you laugh, but then you frown as you come to a realization about the horror of war and the effect it has on the minds of men. From the psychotic redneck gunner who slaughters Vietnamese civilians to the uptight Marine commander who believes the cause of the war is just, the movie is packed with characters that weave and overlap to paint the dark, dryly humorous but ultimately disturbing picture of war, suffering, and most of all, insanity. It shows that the perfect soldier is the perfect killer, and the perfect killer is inevitably a madman. Perhaps the ultimate black comedy. Skip Dr. Strangelove and head right to this dark gem from one of the best directors of the twentieth century.

Faust (1926)

A timeless tale retold with stunning visuals

[10/10 · 10 December 2006]

Many people have heard the tale of Faust, which has become ingrained in the collective mind of our culture. A worldly doctor sells his soul to the devil in exchange for any earthly good he could desire in exchange for the loss of any spiritual good he could have. This, I believe, is told from the Goethe angle, seeing as how the tale of Faust is more of a folktale than anything that can be attributed to any one novelist.

An archangel and Mephisto, played magnificently by Emil Jannings, make a wager: if Mephisto can tempt and acquire the soul of Faust, a renowned and prestigious alchemist, all of mankind is doomed. The hideous raven-form of Mephisto slinks off to his work....

In a truly awe-inspiring image, we see Mephisto spreading his demonic wings over the nameless Germanic town in what is one of the coolest things I've ever seen. This spreads the plague, which devastates the town. Faust sells his soul in order to stop it, but doesn't stop there. Be it wealth or the flesh of the loveliest woman alive, Mephisto will give him any earthly desire after he makes his contract permanent.

The story is heart-breaking: a classic tale of good, evil, religion, love, and temptation. I'm not one of your weepy types, but I have to admit I was getting a little misty-eyed at the ending. The acting is awesome across the board, with Emil Jannings stealing the show as the cackling Mephisto. His range of facial expressions boggles the mind! But really, it's the visuals that make the movie memorable: phantasmagoric montages of bizarre and demonic images, just what you'd expect from the director of Nosferatu. A demon engulfing a town in his wings, satanic birds, skeletal horsemen....and others. It's really....really interesting to watch.

Murnau may be known best for Nosferatu, but don't skip out on this other gem from the Expressionistic era.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)

The Greatest Show ever, bar none.

[10/10 · 9 December 2006]

This, fellow men, in the finest work of art ever made by humans. The off-beat but promising concept of two humanlike robots and their human friend riffing bad movies quickly blossoms into the funniest show ever made. From the sheer quirk factor, (the genius host segments, the seriously weird movies,) the raw entertainment value, ( the jaw-droppingly hilarious jokes tossed at the worst movies so bad they make fun of themselves, jokes so funny you'll be spitting whatever you happen to be drinking from your nose,) and the timeless quality, (I have 60 episodes on DVD and have vigorously watched and re-watched them, and honestly can't wait to finish my collection.) Manos, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Space Mutiny, Merlin's Shop, Boggy Creek, Prince of Space, Final Justice, Revenge of the Creature, Jack Frost, Riding with Death, Invasion of the Nepture Men, Horror of Party Beach, and so, so, so, so, so, so, so many more of the funniest gems you've ever seen and will ever see. Why anyone would want to get rid of this perfect show is so mind-boggling in its evil that I grow nauseous thinking of it. For a time, I couldn't sleep unless I had seen a Mystery Science Theater before I went to bed. ( Okay, that is pretty pathetic, and I've grown out of that seeing as how I've loved the show since I was little. But still...my love remains undiminished.....) This show is a bastion of good taste and raw hilarity against a storm of lame and overrated sitcoms, (coughFriendscough) We've got movie sign!

Sin City (2005)

Amazing movie.

[10/10 · 19 November 2006]

To hell with my earlier review. Sin City is one of the best movies of 2005.

Three dark, twisted, neo-noir stories of love, revenge, and duty spiraling through the shadowy back alleys and street corners of Sin City, the worst city you can imagine. First and foremost, the visual style: the visual style is stunning. Presenting the dark metropolis as a thick, oily chiaroscuro of black white that segues in dappled palettes of red, yellow, and blue, the movie perfectly captures the gritty film-noir mood of the old movies that Frank Miller so successfully emulated in the graphic novels. It's a fevered nightmare: a dreamlike image of hellish corruption and crime.

Filled to the brim with over-the-top violence, boobs, and blood, Sin City is the penultimate graphic novel adaptation. Each story is jam-packed with action and plenty of disturbing images that'll haunt your mind long after you've seen them. While not perfect, (corny dialog and occasional slow parts,) Sin City remains the single most faithful comic book adaptation, and one of the most entertaining.

The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

So stupid!

[1/10 · 19 November 2006]

Holy ****, Batman! This perfectly squalid turkey strikes you with the pungent stench of death you should expect from Jessica Simpson, Sean William Scott, and Johnnie Knoxville (shudder....) Ol' Boss Hogg is at it again trying to turn Hazzard county into a coal mine, so it's up to the good ol' boys to beat his evil plans.

I never saw the show, so I guess my rage can't approach the righteous fury directed at this by fans of the longish-running show now playing on a perpetual loop on CMT. I just assume that's for the best: if I actually had a liking for the show prior to viewing this beast, my soul would be twisted beyond recognition by disgust. Everyone here just downright sucks at their performances. No need going into specifics, I just hated everyone and applauded whenever suffering befell them. I hated Jessica Simpson the most, and even though a red-blooded male like me thought she was pretty cute in a string bikini, such petty lascivious displays could not sway my convictions so easily. She....cannot....act....at all! The movie tries to be funny, but fails at it, mainly because the protagonists are so unlikable and are completely unbelievable as southern kids. The action sequences are weak, too few, and too far in between. This movie fails at everything and forever remains a wretched blight on the soul of humanity. That's all I'll say. I'm getting enraged just thinking about it.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)

Most innovative movie of all time.

[10/10 · 19 November 2006]

Okay, maybe it's not the most innovative, though I can't think of anything that would steal that title from it, but if it isn't, it certainly is one of the most innovative. This 1920 classic basically invented the horror genre, the suspense genre, the expressionist genre, and the twist ending. All done in a haunting, surrealistic manner that will forever echo in your mind.

The movie begins with one man relating his sorrowful tale to another: yes, the movie is a flashback. In a nameless town, (well, I didn't catch the name, anyway), the town's carnival is visited by the impish Dr. Caligari and his demented, prophetic somnambulist Cesare. The sleepwalker, who sleeps in a coffin when he's not sleepwalking, makes startling predictions of death. It turns out that he's always right because when he predicts you'll die, he'll come and kill you! But Cesare, a universal metaphor for soldiers who fight in wars, is a mindless and thoughtless automaton. He obeys the macabre orders of his depraved master, Dr. Caligari, without question or remorse. Finally, he's caught trying to steal a slumbering young woman and dies in the chase.

In the conclusion of the film, we learn that Dr. Caligari is the administrator of a local insane asylum. When he learns that Cesare is killed, he himself goes insane in one of the most memorable special effects scenes in the history of cinema: he is haunted by the word Caligari, which is scrawled across the entire world in his fractured mind. Crude by today's standards, yes, but the distorted and bizarre effect possesses ten times the heart that canned digital effects have today. It's an earnest effort to disturb, and it succeeds. However, the twist is perhaps the first in all of cinema: the young man who narrates the film is a patient in an insane asylum, and made up the entire affair. Dr. Caligari, the villain in his delusion, is merely his doctor, while his romantic interest is actually another patient at the asylum.

Most memorable about this classic is its visual style: in the first example of mise en scene, the landscape is portrayed as a crooked, nightmarish world of wild, splintered, and abstract shapes and angles, convoluted in a metaphor of insanity. Every second gazing upon such a twisted vision of a dark, Gothic world is a grotesque feast for the imagination. I can't recommend it enough.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari itself stands as a masterful film, but in the long run is remembered as an influential one. The modern world of cinema would simply not be the same were it not for this expressionistic classic.

Hero (2002)

A flowing work of art, one of the supreme masterpieces of cinema

[10/10 · 18 November 2006]

If the opening line is any indication, I loved this movie. In an age when Hollywood is taking what's profitable over what's good and is increasingly pumping their movies full of stale clichés, Zhang Yimou's Hero comes sailing over from China like much-needed reinforcements to the forces of good movies.

A man without a name, called Nameless(that makes sense) is on his way to meet with the Emperor of Qin for killing the three deadliest assassins in China. Thus begins a time-twisting battle of the minds between the two as they both share their interpretations of the events. Each interpretation has its own color scheme, too! Nameless' initial flashback is red, followed by blue. The emperor's is green. And the truth is white.

This movie is nothing short of epic. Hundreds of thousands of soldiers marching on a small Zhao town before inundating it in a literal storm of arrows. Dazzling special effects that create all manners of impossible images that will stick with you for weeks after you see them. Insanely complex and beautiful fight scenes between martial arts masters which enrapture the imagination and make your jaw hang down. And the 'fight on the water' scene, which is easily one of the five coolest things I have ever seen. The soundtrack is hauntingly beautiful: one of the main themes is a remix of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon music, but Tan Dun composes some new music as well, and it's just as thought-evoking. There's little dialogue, but what is said typically means a lot. All in all, the movie moves with a grace and an inspired soul much like the greatest works of poetry.

The film's story, and its ending, however, are what transforms it into a merely great film into a true masterpiece. Nameless is torn between Flying Snow and Broken Sword: Snow, fiercely nationalistic to her homeland of Zhao, wants the Qin emperor killed. Sword, however, realizes that the emperor might stand a chance of unifying China. If he killed the emperor, it simply would have been a continuation of the war between the states. If he let the emperor live, it would be an act of good on a level greater than Zhao or Qin. In the end, he decides to let the emperor live, praying that he remembers the ideal of a warrior.

Not everyone will endear to what basically boils down to the closest thing there is to pro-war message in movies lately. Some people think that war is an evil in all situations bar none. But the them of the movie is sacrifice for a greater good.

To give you a historical background, Hero takes place during the Warring States period, which went from the 5th century BC to 221 BC. During this period, China was in a state of constant warfare between a handful of competing states all vying for power. Its precursor was the Spring and Autumn period, the Chinese dark ages in which power was decentralized and up to 170 different states grappled for supremacy. This was not the idealized disorder that anarchists promise you where everyone is communal in their possessions and actions: this was utter chaos. Millions of lives were snuffed out by centuries of incessant war and cities were razed. By killing the emperor and preventing Qin from taking control of China, who knows how long the Warring States period would have continued? The events of Hero are fictional, but the point remains: war can solve things, for right or for wrong. When faced with such challenges on the scale of millions of people, you have to realize that some people will die no matter what you do.

Hero is the best movie of 2002 when it was made and 2004 when it came out in the US. I hope Zhang Yimou keeps it up. I'm getting sick of all the prosaic potboilers infesting the Hollywood market.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Best Unintentional Comedy of 2003

[3/10 · 14 November 2006]

This movie was hyped for months by all the horror junkies. I wasn't really into horror films, so when it came out in theaters in really just blew right over me. I finally saw it one bored night in 2005 on the Sci-fi channel.

Let the clash of the titans begin! Freddy is in Hell. Does that come as a surprise? Apparently, everyone's forgotten him, and if they've forgotten him they obviously can't fear him, and if no one's afraid of him, he's pretty much powerless. But he's hatched a devilish scheme to reclaim his former glory: he'll brainwash psychopath-in-arms Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th fame to head down to his old haunt, Elm Street, and hack up a few teens, just to remind the townspeople that the Springwood Slasher is still around. But wait! Jason quickly proves to be out of Freddy's control! The battle between the two giants begins! All right, a massive plot hole opened up fairly quickly: the success of Freddy's scheme hinges on the townspeople assuming he's back after Jason kills a few people, right? Well, that wouldn't work in reality: it's so obviously a different guy! Jason looks so unlike Freddy and kills in a manner so unlike Freddy, I can't even believe that anyone would for a second assume that Freddy had something to do with it. I mean yes, he did have something to do with it, but they didn't know that! So if anyone is ever murdered in Elm Street afterwards, no matter how unconnected they are with Freddy, he'll be blamed anyway? WTF? It turns out that the parents were taking some pretty serious steps to ensure Freddy never returned: putting their kids in nuthouses, for one. And drugging others into dreamless comas. But I guess the fascist right-winger in me just isn't complaining: it's either the nuthouse or a peaceful coma or it's a horrifying, nightmarish death at the hands of a merciless psychopath. Kind of a lose-lose situation, huh? The teens try to uncover the dark plot and survive both maniacs, all culminating in a showdown at Jason's abode, Camp Crystal Lake. (Which happens to be twenty minutes down the Interstate from Elm Street.) The movie up to this point has been average. Not exactly scary, but a little disturbing. It reminded me that yes, it would suck to live in Elm Street, and the live expectancy definitely went down after Jason was introduced to the area, much like a new predator being introduced into a new ecosystem. Average, not scary but not that bad, either. At this point, the film takes a downward spiral into inanity.

The final brawl between the film's namesakes is short, about twenty minutes. Freddy is wrenched out of the dream world after he had been tormenting Jason mentally, and naturally, Jason isn't too happy about that. So let the showdown begin. The fight if utterly hilarious: apparently Freddy's a martial artist! Seriously! He does this weird Taekwondo front snap kick on Jason, followed up by some freaky Muay Thai elbow to his big noggin. And neither are done that well. Meanwhile, Jason's blundering around, clumsily trying to hit the physically-thoroughly-average Freddy, who in turns needles him with harmless claw strikes that just bounce right off his gargantuan form. Not only does this cause the movie itself to implode, it does massive damage to both characters' respective series. They're unstoppable and fearsome when hacking up helpless screaming teens, but when pitted against a equal match, they're both pathetic. They're just bullies, really. Jason can deliver his fatal version of coitus interruptus on naked teens, but could he kill a well-trained samurai? Freddy can kill in your dreams, but in the real world, would he be much of a match for a real martial artist? The skill at fighting both show is about equal to the armies of faceless goons Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Tony Jaa, Steven Seagal, and Chuck Norris annihilated in their multitudes of movies.

Then it really gets funny! Jason hits that one Kelly girl or whatever her name is from the Survivors, I think, and get this: instead of simply being cut in half down the middle like countless other victims, she goes flying through the air in a spinning cartwheel for like a hundred yards before hitting a tree! How funny is that? And it's quite obviously a dummy, too. Conveniently, there's construction equipment lying around Camp Crystal Lake. Oxygen tanks, metal rods, carts, pulleys, cranes, a weird roller coaster track, everything. This allows for some comic bumbling of both Freddy and Jason. They fall off heights! They get hit by mine carts! It's like a demonic Three Stooges episode: I was half expecting Jason to start whooping. At that point, I could really tell the slasher horror genre had died when its two veteran alumni were reduced to bumbling fools.

On the good side, the beginning and the middle aren't too bad. And I always thought that Robert Englund always excelled as Freddy, and this one's no different. A manic, flamboyant madman with a twisted sense of humor, he's simultaneously funny and frightening. That balance has always made him a memorable character, to say the least.

It's good for some hearty laughs, but not for scares. To die-hard fans of Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th: stay away!!!!

Memento (2000)

One of the best movies of 2000, and certainly one of the most creative

[10/10 · 12 November 2006]

Leonard Shelby's wife is raped and murdered on night, but not before he suffers a devastating head injury. Unable to form new memories, he must find his wife's killer, relying on notes jotted down on Polaroid pictures and tattoos scrawled across his body as a source of memory.

This is easily one of the best neo-noir movies ever made, complicated but not too confusing, and boasts an innovative premise: it starts from the end, and works back to the beginning. There are two story lines: the main one is in color and progresses backwards, and another one in black and white that moves forward. The black and white thread ends where the color one begins. This devilishly twisted approach creates an intriguing setup and works magnificently through the movie. Clues pop up in both story lines and questions are asked, themes interspersing the movie that all culminate with a stunning twist ending that will have you questioning your surroundings for a while afterwards.

Fine acting keeps the movie grounded and totally believable. Guy Pearce excels as Leonard, the former insurance investigator who's life is shattered. You understand his desperation to find his wife's killer, his frustration at his condition, and his paranoia that sifts through the film: is he being manipulated? Who does he trust? Joe Pantoliano does a great job portraying a shady character who may or may not be an ally to Leonard. And Carrie-Ann-Moss depicts an externally friendly woman whose aura of hospitality masks sinister intents.

Not to give it all away, but unlike M. Night. Shymalan's work, you can predict the ending. It just takes a good eye for clues and an ability to remember them despite the advances in the plot. I was shocked by the ending, but the second time I watched it I realized I could have pieced it together by myself.

One of Christopher Nolan's finest works, hands down. I just hope he keeps it up.

High School Musical (2006 TV Movie)

So ghastly.....

[1/10 · 10 November 2006]

I was forced to watch this movie in school as an award for my grade for doing so well at ITBS tests. That's right, this was supposed to be an award! A two-hour long swirling maelstrom of colorful locales, singing and smiling teens who dance at the flimsiest pretenses, raucous musical numbers, a new take on the overdone Romeo and Juliet formula, and a tender romance story,( Okay, that's sorta redundant, with previously mentioned Romeo and Juliet formula), all wrapped up in the not-so-archetypical high school. The main character's name is Troy: what kind of a first name is that? I would prefer that as a surname or a title, so I could introduce myself as " Alexander of Troy ", but I wouldn't have it as a first name. The 'nerdy' girl is so unbelievable as one of the smart types: next they'll expect us to buy that she's lonely and no one will want to go out with her. I'm in academic team, and though I'd hate to admit a stereotype is true, in this case it is true. Nerds are not hot. They have glasses, are covered in acne, hang around computers to play Kingdom of Loathing and N, wear shirts that say stuff like " I eat noobs.", and " Linen Shirt, Level 5. Cloth. Armor: 10.", and smell like Cheetos. So this raven-haired, perfectly complexioned girl who every single boy in my school would drop dead for a chance to date is supposed to be the nerd? Please.

You've heard the plot before: that's because it's Grease done over again, with the new singing angle. Two oh-so-dreamy teens meet over their winter break and steal each others' hearts with a hilariously bad karaoke song. That's right. They become romantically entangled over karaoke. Believable. But alas, the break must come to an end. Will Troy and Gabriella be reunited? Will they rediscover their combined passion for singing? Stay tuned!

Get this: Gabriella moves to Troy's high school! OMG! Basketball season's up, so you see a disturbing sequence of Troy and his teammates singing 'Getcha head in the game', a song that will forever resonate in my nightmares for all eternity. Odd that the coach is training these kids to sing and dance in choreographed numbers rather than playing basketball. Imagine if they were to bust out singing during a game.

There's this rib-ticklin' scene where Troy is sneaking around his high school as if he was Bond breaking into Blofeld's underground lair. I thought for sure he would club the janitor unconscious and steal his uniform. Why is he so furtive? Because he wants to audition for the school play. But if his teammates find out, there'll be hell to pay! (Huzzah, a rhyme!) Same with Gabriella: her Academic Team mates are discouraging her from singing, insisting she devote herself to the A-team. ( Again, I'm in A-team, and I can safely say, who would want to sing when you're in A-team?)

Will the two be able to indulge in their mutual love of music and each other in spite of the pressures of their peers? Who cares?

I hate Disney so much nowadays. Sure, they gave us classic cartoons and animated movies and provide great material for ' Kingdom Hearts ', but the gig is up. The Disney Channel is the most infernal abomination ever to curse the hearts of preteens everywhere, seconded only by the putrid, necrotic stench wafting up from the foul, mind-rotting filth that is MTV. Everything is so glitzy and glammy and sugar-coated. There's no kissing at all despite the fact they're high schoolers, no profanity, ( In reality, both Troy and Gabriella would have been showered with multiple F-bombs from their teammates,) nothing at all to hold my interest. It reminds of the time when I ate a huge, colorful-wollorful cutesy-wutesy lollipop with Goofy's head plastered over it. The rest of the day, I was nauseous. That's a perfect analogy to High School Musical. It's hard to watch without insulin, and to survive is to remain completely cynical throughout. Unless you imagine Gabriella and Troy being hacked to pieces by an ax-wielding maniac or being gunned down by their teammates for a lack of compliance, you will be driven insane.

And the songs! Dear god, how do I begin to describe the songs! They're so glittery-pop and cute and bouncy and act like there's no such thing as evil in the world. I'm almost sickened by them: they seem to suggest that hunger, hatred, murder, rape, crime, racism, disease, and all the other things plaguing mankind don't exist, like the world's a giant fluff of cotton candy just waiting to be licked so the sugar disintegrates in your mouth or a big cuddly fuzzy-wuzzy teddy bear with an adorable smile sewn onto the face just waiting to be hugged. The end: where everyone breaks out singing how everyone will get along and how we all have gifts that can make the world better, is utterly nightmarish. Never before have I been possessed with so strong a conviction to pull a minigun out of Hammerspace and mow everyone down. If I hadn't given this movie the MST3K treatment in the auditorium, I wouldn't have survived! If you catch your kids watching this on TV, beat them.

The City of Lost Children (1995)

What?????

[4/10 · 4 November 2006]

Okay, this one definitely caught me off guard. I was expecting a freakish steampunk film in the vein of 'MirrorMask', only with a more visceral edge, due to the more mature rating. What I got was a tepid, bloated turkey of a French flick that occasionally threw out neat images but was largely preoccupied with meandering around. It's muddled, boring, and largely unsatisfying, which strikes me even more strange since so many people on this site are asserting that it's genius.

The plot is about children who get kidnapped by the vile scientist Krank, who can't dream. He runs his child-kidnapping racket from an oil derrick out in the middle of a sea with green water, hiring Borg-like religious zealots to nap kiddies for his nefarious designs. So, yawn, Ron Perlman's little brother gets kidnapped, he tracks him down with the help of a thieving little girl, etc, etc. I was crushed by how empty this movie was, after hearing such good things about it and anticipating its arrival on Netflix. And it really could have done without the R rating. Seriously, it would have been PG-13 due to some language and some brief violence had a brief sequence of topless women been left on the cutting room floor. Breasts, huzzah. At that junction in the film, it came like a last ditch effort to secure my rapidly waning attention. And it really isn't that weird. Yes, it is more imaginative than 95% of most movies nowadays. But if you really want to know weird, watch MirrorMask or read China Mieville. Just stay away from this torpid slug.

Nosferatu (1922)

A nightmarish gem from the Expressionistic era of cinema

[10/10 · 4 November 2006]

Many kids nowadays won't get this movie. They'll say it's stupid, boring, black and white, not enough sex, profanity, or violence to hold the attention of their rap-corroded brains. Indeed, this film isn't for everyone, not just the demographic above. But to the right sliver of viewers, 'Nosferatu' is a triumph.

It's basically the classic plot of Bram Stoker's 'Dracula', only with details changed. ( Count Dracula becomes Count Orlok, Harken becomes Hutter, and Orlok follows him back to Germany, not Britain.) Max Schreck completely steals the show. As he slinks through shadows, purses his hideous rodent features, moves like an animated corpse, and springs from his coffin and into your imagination, you never once gain a doubt that he isn't the freakish vampire you see. There is no charisma in 'Nosferatu', no sex appeal or eroticism. Count Orlok inhabits a realm of nightmares, not a realm of earthly evils. His appearance is alien, his behavior is inhuman, and his feats of power unholy. He can turn intangible in the movie and seems to be telekinetic as well. The special effects of 1922 are laughably outdated by todays standards, but the film does a remarkably good job of balancing what you see with what is going on. His coffin, assembling itself piece by piece into a cart at irregular intervals, is a surreal experience. It's distorted, fractured, bizarre, and crooked: far more terrifying than the way-too-real aesthetics provided by modern day CGI.

This film is a classic and one that has long provided much examination to film students throughout the world. You can't call yourself a true connoisseur of film without having seen F.W. Murnau's magnum opus.

Date Movie (2006)

The worst parody movie ever.

[1/10 · 4 November 2006]

I'm not sure if I should be writing this review now. After all, I didn't see all of Date Movie. After fifteen minutes, I was so bored, so disgusted, so annoyed, and so absolutely infuriated with this wretched piece of cat bile that I couldn't resist the urge to switch the DVD player off and go off to do something else.

Some movies are dated immediately when they come out. For a while, I thought that this was only for decades past: the 50's, the 60's, 70', 80's, etc. This is one of the few movies I can safely say future generations will look upon and immediately shout " 2006!" Really! ' Milkshake', 'Pimp my Ride', 'Hitch', 'Napoleon Dynamite', 'The Bachelor', and so many more. ( So, so, so many more.....) This would be acceptable, if it managed to be funny. But this objective was apparently so alien to the writers, they seem to take great strides to avoid this goal.

Take the beginning for incident: corpulent protagonist is in a park reciting nuptials to.....wait for it....Napoleon Dynamite. He cranes his head, scrunches his face, and utters, " I won't marry you! Gosh!" ( Something to that effect, it's been a while since I've seen the movie, and it sure didn't strike me as memorable.) I was sitting there, nodding my head. Indeed, I had seen Napoleon Dynamite, and that was sorta how he behaved. So what's funny about that? That's how Napoleon Dynamite behaves! There's no joke in there! I was waited for a little while for the punch line, but it never came! There are so many things 'parodied' in this mess that the plot seems to lose track over itself. In the Scary Movie series, it seems they would take several horror movies and focus on them primarily, ( In number 3 it was The Ring and Signs,) while all the others references were pretty much sidebars, nice little snippets that came and went. Not so in 'Date Movie'. I was assaulted with the darkest parts of modern pop culture in such a short span I got nauseous, fast.

All in all, avoid this catastrophe. Check out the 'Hot Shots!' series or 'Top Secret' to see what the parody genre is all about. Not in any way should this squalid fecal matter be associated with what is otherwise an extremely funny area of movies.

Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior (2003)

Awesome!

[9/10 · 4 November 2006]

An all-out, spine-tingling, teeth-chattering, fist-pumping, no-holds-barred dance of delicious destruction, all performed without computer imagery or wires. Tony Jaa is absolutely stunning: he flips, kicks, elbows, knees, runs up and off walls, jumps over various obstacles while running, lays some unholy smackdown on countless thugs, and will just make you stare wide-eyed at the screen as he accomplishes feats you thought were impossible with incredible ease. Never once did I stop thinking: " Man, I wish I could do that." The plot is pretty thin, however. Evil gangsters steal a sacred Buddha head from a rural Thai village, and the village's Muay Thai protégé is sent to recover it. Along the way, he teams up with his street-smart cousin, Humlae, and Humlae's hideously annoying sidekick Muay. Ting, the village butt-kicker sent on the quest, finds himself embroiled in a local fight club and a hilarious tuk-tuk chase in addition to other adventures before he finds Ong-Bak.

Tony Jaa studied Muay Boran for four years before the film was made, and it shows immensely. In a graceful yet brutal stream of fluid motions, he lays waste to opponents much larger than himself. Muay Thai, or Muay Boran, uses knees and elbows to strike as opposed to the feet and fists of Kung Fu, Taekwondo, and other more familiar Eastern martial arts. Not that I prefer one martial art over the other, but Muay Thai is new to the silver screen unlike its outdated cousins. The average viewer will not have seen the awe-inspiring feats of acrobatic skill and devastating fighting prowess exhibited by the art, and will strike many as a fresh, novel style.

On the downside, there is one thing preventing me from giving Ong-Bak ten stars: Muay, or Humlae's friend. She is so annoying! Oh my sweet Jesus Christ, her voice is like that of a buzzard! She spouts out long lines in Thai in a style that perfectly matches the stereotypes of Asian languages. I can pretty much pin the annoying-language problem exclusively on her. Good God above, so many times I was aching for Ting to unleash his Flying Elbow of Death on her chattering skull.

This minor gripe aside, Ong-Bak is an action movie extravaganza. Any fan of martial arts movies owes it to him or herself to see this Thai gem that'll have you randomly kneeing and elbowing things in your house for weeks to come.

The Prestige (2006)

A mesmerizing masterpiece

[10/10 · 4 November 2006]

From what I read about The Prestige in the paper, I was expecting an exciting, entertaining little movie from one of my favorite directors starring three of my favorite actors. So, rather casually, I drove up to a nearby theater with one of my friends to see it. I didn't expect a cinematic tour de force, but I suspected I would at least enjoy the experience.

I can happily say it was the most pleasant surprise of my life. My mind was utterly blown by the dark, beautifully crafted masterpiece that seized control of my senses and not for a moment let go. The plot involves two magicians, Alfred Borden(Christian Bale), and Robert Angier(Hugh Jackman), who were once partners but are flung down paths of revenge by a tragic event that may or may not have been an accident. From this relatively simple base, the movie spirals down into the abyss of obsession, competition, and plain hatred in a manner that will keep you guessing towards the end. Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale give magnificent performances, aided by a strong supporting cast including Michael Caine and David Bowie(!) Nolan's brilliant directing and Jackman's masterful acting shed light on Angier's obsession that eventually consumes his live, as he desperately seeks to unravel the mystery enshrouding his rival's ultimate act, 'The Transported Man.' The answer to the enigma will drop your jaw and send a cold shiver down your spine. The twists and turns in the deliciously convoluted plot are quite natural, not at all like the cheap gimmickry abounding in the works of M. Night Shymalan.

Staged like an enormous magic trick, The Prestige keeps you guessing and, more importantly, questioning. I couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen for several days after I left the theater. The Prestige easily stands as one of the best movies of 2006. I sincerely hope it is given some serious consideration for some Oscars. In my mind, only Zhang Yimou's 'Hero' strikes me as a better movie.

" Are you watching closely?"

Mirrormask (2005)

To sleep, perchance to dream....

[10/10 · 3 November 2006]

In an era of bleak, tasteless exploitation, when Hollywood is constantly shoving out remakes and sequels with more concern for fiscal profit than the quality of their films, MirrorMask shines as a beacon of imagination in a sea of dullness. I had anxiously awaited the film for months after seeing a preview of it on a DVD copy of Steamboy. Every expectation I had was fulfilled, and in such a glorious fashion.

The plot revolves around Helena, a teen-aged girl wanting to escape her family's circus. She wishes her mother dead in her rebellion. Not surprisingly, her mother drops down with a sickness and Helena enters a world of her own creation. This world is the real star of the movie, I thought, and stands out as one of the most creative in cinematic history. A phantasmagoric sea of soft sepia light shimmering like old photographs over the crooked outlines of bizarre architecture that looks as if it was wrenched from a surreal Victorian England, populated with mind-bogglingly creatures who wear masks in place of faces. When all around me I'm bombarded with stale advertisements from corporate conglomerates, dry commercials for tacky and unoriginal movie, and perpetually tormented with the blistering cacophony from the abyss that is hip-hop, I was refreshed to see such an original film. Even if I had to search the larger city next to my home for about an hour until I finally found the avant-garde art-house theater, it was worth every minute and every cent.

Monster a Go-Go (1965)

A soul-shattering nightmare

[1/10 · 3 November 2006]

Ahhhh! Words cannot began to express the sheer Lovecraftian horror that clawed at my soul upon viewing this cinematic abomination! My heart weeps and my spirit bleeds upon gazing at this wretched demon of a movie. And I watched the MST3K version! The plot, or what would have been the plot in a better movie, consists of an astronaut who crashes to Earth, and embarks upon a murderous rampage. Sounds promising, huh? Well, no. The title sounds like it would at least by somewhat campy, but it is the utter opposite of that. It's dull in the purest sense of the word: stark black and white without any life infused in the celluloid, mindless and pointless, wandering from one excruciatingly boring set to another like a dog wandering around aimlessly in a park, stopping intermittently to take a steaming crap on everything you hold sacred in this world. Frank Capra was right: the cardinal sin in movies in dullness. I really cannot describe just how boring this movie is. I wept and wondered if all the color had left the world, if there was a God and if He was there, why He was tormenting me with such a hellish apparition as this movie. This is the worst movie ever made, no doubt about it.

Not to spoil anything for you masochists out there, but the " twist " at the end is so unspeakably pathetic and so mind-bending contrived that my soul is beginning to collapse just thinking about it. View at your own risk! (Oh, and check out the genius special effects!)

" Brrrpppppp!"