NoBBQforyou Reviews

The Creator (2023)

The worst thing I've seen all year

[2/10 · 6 October 2023]

I want to say something to the kind reviewers who pointed out the "holes" in the script, while saying this movie is average. Saying this movie has plot holes is like saying Ebola is a skin rash--this script is so unimaginably bad that there are laugh-out-loud moments every minute or two. The story glitches along so awkwardly. Just a few standout moments (potential spoilers):

-A badly injured, crippled soldier years out of military service is visited by army officers at his pool, where they tell him his dead wife is alive, and if he comes with them RIGHT NOW they won't kill her. "We leave at 0600!" LOLOLOK;

-WHY do they want this soldier? Oh, because he has AMNESIA about what happened when he was in the military, and has never remembered. "You're the only one who knows (the location and layout of the targeted facility)"--wait, wut? Sgt. Amnesia is now the crucial link to find a hidden facility? LOLOLOK;

-The break-in: you'd think finding a hidden facility in a hostile jungle, bypassing massive security and heavy artillery/guards, and finding a top-secret weapon that can destroy FREEDOM would be difficult? In the words of the Pitch Meeting guy, "Not at all! Barely an inconvenience!" That all takes place in a matter of minutes: find hidden base, overpower all defenses with about 12 soldiers, find the weapon, hack the security, escape with the weapon. LOLOLOK;

-Remember those awful Star Wars prequels, eps 1-3, where people can do faster-than-light interstellar travel but nobody has heard of aerodynamics, and instead fly these stupid skyscrapers around the universe? Well this is a super-advanced AI/robot civilization that relies on escape ladders. LOLOLOK;

-That weird little robot kid? Doesn't speak, until she suddenly speaker perfect English! "Barely an inconvenience!"

-A couple of the other surviving solders decide to follow the crippled amnesiac (who miraculously knows everything), and drive around a hostile country in a stolen police vehicle with nary a second thought;

-The magical savior/kid/robot can control...electronics? She turns out all the lights at a checkpoiint, turns the power in their van back on, and they drive away under fire...and the glare of all the lights, which are suddenly back on;

Look, I've got a HUGE suspension of disbelief. I love B movies, silly Sci-Fi, dumb RomComs, you name it--I went into this movie expecting just a mediocre, forgettable movie. What I got instead was something so bad that I left after Act 2 and reclaimed the rest of my evening. So don't ask me how it ends...I couldn't care less.

Amazingly, astonishingly bad.

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)

Best Hasbro vehicle since Battleship

[7/10 · 17 April 2023]

D&D has always seemed like such a perfect game to bring to the big screen, so it's a shame that it's only been done so poorly before. But then, it took many false starts before the MCU took off and became the massive hit machine it is today.

I hope this kicks off a D&DU of films that focuses on fidelity to the games, fan service, and strong characters like in Honor Among Thieves.

Great casting, fairly standard plot, some good character development. Much better than most of the recent Marvel flicks, but don't go in expecting cinematic miracles, either. Hugh Grant is a nice touch, he plays his part perfectly.

Also, I love the clowns who criticize this for being too "diverse". Yah, like a game with Owlbears and Displacer Beasts should realllly try to be more "faithful" to the idea that only white men exist in fantasy land. IDIOTS.

Down a Dark Hall (2018)

The only horror here is Uma's French accent

[4/10 · 16 April 2023]

Ooh la la, what a piece of merde! With just a little bit of self-awareness, the makers of this film could have taken a slightly ironic view of the story, added a little humor, and perhaps kept this in the "so bad it's good" category of campy thrillers. Instead, they go all-in on the seriousness and weigh down this lumbering mess fully into the "so bad it's bad" genre instead. Quel dommage! But really, it's hard to focus on the story, which has something to do with young female sociopaths who go to this "special school" and--no, it's not a skin flick, honest!--get caught up in some convoluted pharmaceutical-time-traveling-ghosts yarn that should come with its own side effects warnings. And it's really Uma Thurman's accent that steals the show here, and not in a good way (sorry, Uma, I love you but every great artist makes a few stinkers along the way). It is so distracting listening to her that I can't remember much of what she says except the student named Sierra, which Uma insists on pronouncing Seee-AIRRR-ahhh like a hopped-up Castilian madam. Or something. Watch at your own risk.

The Stand (2020– )

Vintage Stephen King

[2/10 · 20 March 2023]

By "vintage Stephen King" I mean: gratuitous violence against children and a "Magical Negro" (look it up to see Spike Lee's brilliant coinage of the term). Two of the odious King's favorite themes are here in abundance.

Seriously, there is something wrong with artists who seem to fetishize violence against children, which is something King and another Steven (a famous filmmaker) traffic in regularly. This could be a good story, and I enjoy a cheesy disaster flick--it's a favorite genre of mine--but the pseudo-mystical racialist garbage just ruins what could otherwise be an excellent story.

There's a saying in acting circles that even a bad actor can act angry. That's what I think the violence against children trope in King's fiction is all about--he cannot summon real empathy for people, but he can mask it by brutalizing them in his fiction, thereby triggering empathy in the reader. It's a neat trick, if you're a monster.

I wanted to watch this version because I enjoyed the earlier mini-series (despite the MN, Abigail), but this version has to open with a kid getting sadistically beaten and chased. Yay.

Side note: I've generally found in my life that people who say or otherwise imply that they were the victims of bullying are usually the worst bullies themselves.

Paranoid (2016)

Amazingly Bad on Every Level

[2/10 · 20 March 2023]

Wow, where to begin with this stinker? An emotionally unstable female detective obsessed with having a baby who makes Carrie Mathison look like Ghandi; an even more unstable older male detective who becomes instantly addicted to non-addicting antipsychotic medication; the dopey "nice guy" sidekick detective with the emotionally unstable mother; the creepy doctor who calls ALL the women (and most of the men) emotionally unstable at one time or another; the mustache-twirling corporate executive; and lastly, a wacky German detective and her wacky gay sidekick who obsess more about French pastries than solving crimes.

Seriously, I am deeply offended that the Razzies seem to have completely overlooked this kitsch, camp garbage classic. Not since 10.5 has there been such a hilariously quotable script (please just watch it, I won't spoil it for you here). Definitely going to be hate-watching this one and laughing for a long time to come.

There are a few bright spots, however dimly they shine through the muck: first, I think Lesley Sharp gives a really fine performance as the (yup, emotionally unstable!) cliche-with-a-heart-of-gold--she infuses her character with genuine wisdom and sympathy, and one gets the feeling the writers actually focused on her a bit, and drew a more nuanced character. Also, Michael Maloney as the creepy doctor is--although his role is still terrible--convincing and appropriately creepy while calling all the women (and some of the men) emotionally unstable.

The star, Indira Verna: what can I say? Her character is so loathsome, so...uh...EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE that I honestly can't tell if she can act of not (I'm thinking she can, but hope springs eternal)--her character is the absolute nadir of cliche detective shows, the worst bundle of---misogyny? Nah, let's call it Depraved Chauvinistic Indifference--in a script I've seen in years, or possibly ever. An awful human, awful character, awful arc, just vile.

Can't wait to rewatch it!

The Happening (2008)

Unfairly maligned

[6/10 · 27 October 2021]

Love him or hate him, Shama has a quirky vision and some very interesting ideas in his films. He also works with some paltry budgets by Hollywood standards, and cares more about story than effects. Does it always work? No. But considering just how effective his best work is - - 6th Sense, Unbreakable, Signs, The Visit--it's a pretty great body of work. I predict there will be a reappraisal of his work in the future, and with some bigger budgets and some careful rewrites, his remakes will reveal what a brilliant guy he is.

The Happening is a small movie - - simple concept, low budget - - that doesn't try to be anything other than what it is, a cool spooky flick about a mysterious pandemic of suicide gripping the Northeast. Sign me up! Even if it comes across as lightweight by the end, like The Village, these armchair auteurs who trash MNS should try making even half an effective film as those two.

Good for a rainy afternoon, probably not much else. But that's fine with me.

Berlin: Symphony of Metropolis (1927)

If you like Koyaanisqatsi you'll love this

[7/10 · 7 October 2021]

I don't have a formal background in film, and generally find silent films dated and boring, but this really grabbed me. It has that flow and dynamism of an actual symphony, and even though I lack the vocabulary to describe what I saw in this, it's definitely much more than a nostalgia trip. The editing and camera direction /cinematography are what grabbed me. If it had been a film about NYC or Chicago, SF, LA, I might be nostalgic as well, but not here. This is just a fine documentary that is much more than mere journalism.

Trick 'r Treat (2007)

Not even remotely a classic

[4/10 · 5 October 2021]

I got suckered by the great reviews here. This is a barely acceptable RL Stine-ish effort. Might be good for 13-16 year olds, but just barely. It's everything the glowing reviews said it isn't - - a rote, by the numbers anthology with no originality or anything scary.

Dune (1984)

Truly, among the worst movies ever made

[1/10 · 26 August 2021]

There's no reason for this to have such a high score here, except perhaps too many hipsters think they can't criticize David lynch. Well, the director knew this was a dog then and it's still a dog now. Internal monologues all the way through! The stiffest, most wooden acting and "stand on your marks and talk" direction, utterly rubbish plot and pacing, wrapped in a White Savior narrative--it's an exquisite feast of pure doodoo from start to finish, incomprehensible, unforgivable, laughable. Watch it with a friend and laugh, and don't mind the noises... It's only frank Herbert rolling in his grave.

Swan Song (II) (2021)

Dark, heartbreaking, infuriating

[7/10 · 14 August 2021]

There is much to recommend this movie: moments of absurd, tender, unexpected humor, the brilliance of Udo Kier, and the concept itself. Otoh, I found myself at times thinking that the director was culturally appropriating the very culture he is a part of. Some tiresome, cringe inducing bits about drag queens and a talk with an old friend on a bench that try way too hard. But those are really minor quibbles. This is a brilliant piece of work.

Dracula, Lord of the Damned (2011 Video)

Remarkable vision

[8/10 · 4 August 2021]

Kudos to Trout for creating this brilliant take on the Dracula tale. Fresh, original, wonderfully macabre. So glad I stumbled upon this.