apuleius15 Reviews

Die Marquise von Sade (1976)

Scary and hairy

[5/10 · 12 February 2011]

This film, as other reviewers have noted, is pretty much a remake of "Female Vampire" from a few years before. What's amazing is that the non-sexual scenes are actually more erotic than the porn scenes are. The dreamy, misty exteriors of the noblewoman's château contrast rather jarringly with some of the hairiest genitalia ever committed to celluloid. Seriously, Lina Romay was hot in her day, but she sports a freaking rainforest in this one. At one point, I took my eyes off the screen for a few seconds during an oral sex scene, and when I looked back Franco had zoomed in so close that I spent a few seconds wondering "what the f*ck is that???!" before I realized that the scene hadn't changed and I was still looking at a tongue and female genitalia. For a moment I thought it was some kind of sea monster. Hair fetishists rejoice, for you have found your "Citizen Kane."

Four Boxes (2009)

Moody but ultimately ineffective

[4/10 · 21 October 2010]

This film has been touted by some as this year's "Paranormal Activity", or even as "Rear Window on the Internet". It has potential, but just doesn't deliver. When it started I felt as if we might be in 21st-century "Videodrome" territory, but my hopes were quickly dashed. There are numerous plot holes, and the ending feels unsatisfying. The characters are very annoying in their speech and mannerisms and it is difficult to feel any sympathy for them. The younger of the two guys reminds me very much of the douche in "Paranormal Activity", and the girl reminds me of every artsy chick I've ever met in the sense that she feels that the universe owes her something even when she lacks talent. Notice the one scene where she strums the strings one after the other without playing any chords, and the cutaway to the older guy's face as his heartstrings are obviously being strummed in unison... And- all the misspellings in the opening credits don't help either. Don't waste your time.

Clash of the Titans (2010)

bizarre retake on an old classic

[4 April 2010]

I loved the 1981 original as a kid and I still remember seeing it in the theater. I didn't expect much from this remake except some enjoyable special effects, and some are indeed there. The battle with the scorpions was fun to watch, and the Kraken was suitably frightening (although its face and mouth resembled the monster in the pit in Tatooine in "Return of the Jedi"). And Medusa's movements were more serpentine, in a very Dante-esquire underworld. My biggest problem with the film, however, was its divergence from the spirit of Greek mythology in favor of a more Judeo-Christian take on the story. The original did a much better job of capturing the "humans as playthings of the gods" angle. In this film, however, Zeus "loves" humans and they are supposed to "love" him back. His anger at this lack of love resembles that of Yahweh in the Old Testament. Hades now takes on the role of Satan. And Perseus is now Christlike- at one point Io tells him "you are part god and part man- but the best of both." Sheesh... Some other minor gripes- the djinn (from Arab mythology) made no sense at all in the course of the story. If some were riding scorpions, why did others have to ride camels (was that the "bitch seat" on their expedition?). And the one that talked sounded like Jabba the Hutt. All in all, some entertainment there, but as lousy an introduction to Greek mythology as "300" was to Greek history.

Agora (2009)

excellent re-creation of an obscure historical period

[10/10 · 26 March 2010]

For films that have been produced about the ancient world, this is by far one of the best. There are some inaccuracies, of course. Synesius was a student of Hypatia's, and did later become bishop of Cyrene. However, he was pagan-leaning his entire life and only reluctantly accepted the post of bishop after the people of Cyrene begged him to do so. He never fully believed in Christianity, but the film portrays him that way. To answer Mr. Karpoulas- yes, the parabolani are in fact documented. They were originally organized to care for the sick and needy in Alexandria, but they were later used as shock troops against pagans, Jews, and even Christians who followed heretical viewpoints. It is purely speculative to say that Hypatia anticipated not only Copernicus, but Kepler as well! However, Aristarchus DID propose a heliocentric theory in the 3rd century BC. All in all, a great piece of work and well worth the watch.

Hanna D. - La ragazza del Vondel Park (1984)

Brain-dead yet spastic excursion into pure hilarity

[13 March 2010]

This is beyond a shadow of a doubt one of the most ridiculous (yet ridiculously-entertaining) B-movies ever lensed. SEE- the female star blow-dry her hair after removing her shower cap! SEE- the female star lock her mom's boyfriend INSIDE her bedroom! SEE- her vomit on every single item of furniture in a room, including its small dorm-size refrigerator! SEE- two curly-haired guys beat the crap out of a third curly-haired guy! SEE- a dope-sick junkie suck on a prison sink faucet! SEE- a container of heroin removed from a smugglerette's hairy European rectum (no CGI here, unfortunately)! HEAR- priceless lines such as "She's under the bridge-up to her eyes in dope and syphilis-good luck!" I wish every 90 minutes of my life were this much fun.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

A good low-budget film but little else

[6/10 · 20 October 2009]

This is, for the amount of money spent on its production, a great first effort for a filmmaker. I hope that Oren Peli will go on to make better films, and the success of this feature makes it certain that he will go on to bigger and better things. With that being said, I can truthfully say that I was somewhat disappointed in that the film was really quite predictable. The possession angle could be seen coming for miles- not just with the pictures of the exorcism on the website that the characters view, but also with the footage of Katie sleepwalking. Nothing about the film is really groundbreaking or innovative, although it does induce a pervasive sense of dread that just manages to save it. The characters are very realistic- i.e. two typical suburban American dumb asses. The helplessness exhibited by Katie,in my opinion, makes her actually less sympathetic because she can't stand up to her idiotic boyfriend. Again, a decent beginning- let's see what Peli does next...

Tusk (1980)

Not great, but not a complete waste

[28 November 2001]

This and The Rainbow Thief are the two films that are always mentioned as Jodorowsky duds. While I agree that neither of them have anything close to what you can see in his masterpieces (I like Holy Mountain the best, and it's definitely the weirdest one, although Santa Sangre might objectively be considered his "best" film)I feel that both are still worth watching, because they are still Jodorowsky films even if everything is a bit diluted from what it could have been. What can be said in favor of this elephant "panic fable"? Tusk still contains some of the bizarre energy that marks J's work, and has some very odd music throughout. The strangest scene is a trippy day-for-night chase and elephant vs. elephant battle, complete with crazy 70's synthesizer rock a la Styx(!) Only for a Jodorowsky completist, perhaps, but we are quite the bunch.