matty-j-1 Reviews

Cobweb (2023)

Unwatchable garbage

[2/10 · 13 April 2024]

Don't bother. That's the underlying message here. If you literally have nothing else to do in life, consider watching this move. And then still don't. Sitting in a black room silently for 2 hours would be better.

It is filmed so badly that it's unwatchable. The screen is black MOST of the time. You can see no details of what is occurring at most times during the movie. This is a shame, as there was actually some potential here in the story, as far as weird horror movies go.

But you literally cannot see anything that is happening. You're left to guess most of the time.

Really have no idea what happened, other than what could be determined from listening to 2 hours of screaming and shouting with zero context.

Avoid this like the plague.

The Killer (2023)

Trainwreck. Dull, slow and all over the place

[2/10 · 10 November 2023]

The opening sequence sets the tone - dull, slow self-indulgent nonsense. It doesn't improve. Key points of the plot are missing, the main character's actions are left unexplained, and it gets nowhere, very very slowly. The constant voice-over should have been a warning, but my wife hates turning off movies. That's the only reason we got to the end.

Audio is dreadful for the entire movie. Actors are ok, but sadly don't save this movie from itself. I had high hopes considering the director, but just doesn't work. Not sure how you take a good story and mess it up so badly.

Save yourself the time. Life is too short to watch this movie.

Hijack (2023)

Dreadful. Don't bother

[2/10 · 14 July 2023]

If you like watching show where you spend the entire time in disbelief about the actions of the characters, plot etc, then this is the show for you!

"As if they'd do that....."

"oh yeah sure, as if"

In the middle of a hijacking, two women literally take issue with each other's TONE. "Don't talk to me like that!" You having a laugh?

A little girl goes "missing" in the cabin of an aircraft and the mother behaves like she's disappeared off the face of the earth. Come on, please.

Other than Idris Elba, the show is garbage. The plane sequences are so unbelievable that it might as well be a comedy.

Add to that the pace - slow would be a relief. This is beyond painful.

Avoid.

Zeros and Ones (2021)

If you make it through the first 10 minutes, you're doing better than me.

[1/10 · 25 February 2022]

The warning signs were there - the pre-word from Ethan Hunt about what a "now" movie it is, and a whole bunch of other crap. Expectations were immediately lowered dramatically.

Then the initial stages of the movie failed to meet even those.

Read the reviews. Turned it off. So will you.

Uncut Gems (2019)

Unwatchable garbage

[1/10 · 11 January 2020]

Only made it 10 minutes before I started reading more reviews, and wondering how it got an 8 on IMDB. Can only guess that someone has stacked the reviews massively with 10s somewhere, as virtually every review I saw was 3s and below.

It's unwatchable. The soundtrack is so dreadful that you can't hear anything else. People shouting at each other over appalling music. 10 minutes was too much.

Don't waste your time. It's unwatchable garbage.

SEAL Team: Time to Shine (2019) Season 2, Episode 13

worst episode of all time.

[1/10 · 28 January 2019]

Dull, boring, totally ridiculous. Skip it. The most unbelievable scenario I've ever seen. Writers must have been on holidays and they got the work-experience kid to do it. Woeful garbage.

The House That Jack Built (2018)

This movie is garbage. Don't waste your time.

[1/10 · 22 December 2018]

I know I know, people are going to say it's art, it's this, it's that. It's garbage is what it is. Self indulgent, incomprehensible nonsense. Was a bit interesting at the start, and I kept watching for a while to see what was going on, but after the first couple of scenes, it ran completely off the rails.

Long rambling diatribes of self-indulgent garbage. So so boring it's not possible to complete this movie.

It's completely unsettling, and I suppose the acting could be considered good, but overall it's a rambling incomprehensible mess. Don't waste time or money on this insult.

First Man (2018)

Very very average. Ryan Gosling is appalling as usual.

[3/10 · 16 December 2018]

Going against the grain here, but I was completely underwhelmed. It's a good story, but the cinematography was a definite miss for me. Action shots during the launches etc held for far too long. Ended up fast-forwarding a lot of them. Really who wants to watch 10 minutes of things shaking about and a whining noise?

The scenes with Armstrong and his wife had all the believability of a C-grade horror. Very little chemistry at all.

Much of the movie wasn't really explained very well. Had little idea what part of the whole story we were up to at most points.

But the absolute worst part - another utterly appalling performance from Ryan Gosling. He really needs to take up golf, and leave the entertainment business behind. He was dreadful in every way. No emotion, no nothing. Please stop hiring this man to make movies. I dead-set nearly turned this off. Only kept watching cos the wife won't ever turn a movie off, no matter how bad. That's the only reason this one made it to the end!

Final Score (2018)

Don't.

[2/10 · 21 September 2018]

Just don't. It's atrocious in every single way. There is nothing about this movie that is worth using any part of your life to experience.

7 Days in Entebbe (2018)

A good story, completed ruined by the editing, and the inclusion of utter garbage dance scenes

[2/10 · 22 June 2018]

I was familiar with the story, and most of the film was well done, other than the completely incomprehensible inclusion of the utter nonsense interpretive dance scenes all the time. We reached the end of the movie and had no idea what the intent or meaning of any of it was.

Good acting by the lead characters, but nothing will excuse the dance nonsense.

Absolutely ruined the story and what could have been a good movie. Avoid avoid avoid.

The Commuter (I) (2018)

Oh Liam Liam Liam.........!!!

[2/10 · 1 April 2018]

Ok, so this is garbage. Confusing, bizarre storyline, coupled with a never-ending commute, strange character encounters and the worst stunts and CGI this side of WWE.

Utterly appalling nonsense. Non of the gritty action that you'd be used to with Liam Neeson. Just a half-baked storyline, some cobbled together action and not much else.

Avoid like the plague.

Infinity Chamber (2016)

No idea at all.

[2/10 · 21 October 2017]

I was all for turning this off about 15 minutes in, but the wife can't do it. She HAS to watch things to the bitter end, even if neither of us have the slightest clue what the thing is about, who is who and why they're doing that..

This movie is utter garbage. Save yourself 2 hours and just hit delete. You didn't go to the cinema anyway - you'd be annoyed if you spent $14 to see this (plus another $5 for an ice cream).

Delete it and move on. Go stare at a wall for 2 hours. That'd be more fun.

Kidnap (I) (2017)

This is the worst movie I've seen in 10 years

[1/10 · 11 June 2017]

Not really even sure where to start. We'll go through the low points blow by blow.

Storyline - there isn't one. The entire plot makes no sense, and is so ridiculous as to have you laughing out loud for most of the movie. Yeah kid gets kidnapped and mother will stop at nothing to get him back. Seen that before. But what you've not seen is the utter drivel they come up with in this movie. Utter garbage dressed up as some kind of action. It's the worst story I've seen in as long as I can remember. I haven't even got to the end yet, and I'm writing this.

Acting - woeful beyond belief. Halle Berry would have to have been utterly desperate to get involved with this garbage. Minutes of talking to herself about how she won't let her kid go, all while in the middle of a car chase. Obviously the part is written and there's not much she can do about the story line, but unless she needs the money, she'd just walk away. No idea why she's even involved.

Action - appalling. 'High-speed' stunts filmed at about 5km/h, then sped up to seem faster. Non-sensical action scenes that add nothing other than further ridicule to this movie.

Cinematography - I can't say I've ever seen anything as laughably appalling as this. During the 'high-speed' chases, we get minutes worth of tyre-going-around footage, interspersed with minutes of yellow lines on the road. We get it - they're driving.

Overall this movie is atrocious and simply not worth your time. Unless you want to spend a couple hours yelling at the TV to get her to actually do something towards getting her son back. Abysmal, appalling, ghastly garbage.

Drone (I) (2017)

Dreadful garbage

[2/10 · 3 June 2017]

Don't waste your time. The storyline is reasonable, but the implementation is awful. Painfully slow for the first hour or more, then all rushed at the end. Acting is woeful, with the exception of the 2 male leads. The wife is hopeless, and the son is worse.

What could have been a reasonable film is so poorly done that you'll be lucky to sit through it.

All Is Lost (2013)

unwatchable

[2/10 · 20 March 2014]

Don't waste your time. Dull, and so full of mistakes, inaccuracies and stupidness to render it unwatchable. I didn't get through the whole thing.

The first 30 minutes contains so much nonsense that I challenge you to get any further than that.

For instance, whilst scaling the mast to see if he can fix the radio (which got soaked in seawater), he finds that the aerial has somehow come loose. Then he notices a massive storm off in the distance. So what does he do? Batten down the hatches? Secure the vessel? No, he takes the time to SHAVE and make himself look all nice. Then he doesn't bother with the wet weather gear until the storm is on top of him. THEN he thinks "Maybe should get the storm jib out??!?"

Robert Redford does a fantastic impression of a guy who's seeing everything for the first time. He wanders about in a daze all the time, seemingly calm about his situation. Nothing seems to faze him, despite the fact he's in a dire situation.

It's unlikely Robert has forgotten how to act, so this must have been the look he was going for. It doesn't work. Who doesn't swear to themselves when they see their boat sinking???

If you get through 30 minutes without yelling at the TV, you're doing better than me.

Utter rubbish.

The Call (II) (2013)

Awful

[2/10 · 12 July 2013]

If you want to spend 2 hours thinking "How dumb is she" or "Why doesn't she...." then watch this. I hate movies about dumb people, or dumb situations where the entirety of the movie is based around illogical, unrealistic or just plain stupid scenarios. Kidnapped in the middle of a busy parking garage and no-one saw or heard anything ? Please! The scene on the highway - if that was my mother I'd stick her in the boot myself. I'd rather watch Sci-Fi than a 'real life thriller' with daft situation after implausible situation. Sure it built the tension - that's why it got a 2. Halle Berry nominated for Best Actress!?!?! You've got to be joking. If anyone deserves a nomination, it's the mental guy. He played a good part. No-one else did. Only watch this is there is nothing else.

Drive (I) (2011)

mid 8s - really???

[5/10 · 2 December 2011]

It wasn't the worst film I've seen all year, and I can see what they were trying to do, but they just missed by a long long way, and the result is a movie that pisses me off more than it entertains.

The story is good. The implementation is shite. The slow-mo action that pervades the movie is terrible, and Ryan Gosling's performance the worst I've seen in a long time. I understand that he's not meant to show emotion, but he didn't do that. He just showed nothing. At all.

Slow? Oh my god is it slow.

Yet I feel bad putting the movie down, because it's way better than other 'action' movies - compared to Fast and the Furious it's great. It should have worked, but somehow they just missed getting it right. It SHOULD have worked. But didn't.

Get an actor that has a facial expression. And cut the slow-mo garbage.

The Road (I) (2009)

Not a bad movie, but the kid is appalling

[6/10 · 29 May 2010]

Won't go into too much detail, you'll either think it's OK, or won't like it at all.

But I guarantee you one thing - by the end of the movie you will hate Kodi Smit-McPhee. His acting is atrocious. His character is the most pathetic, whiny little blouse. You'd imagine that in a post-apocalyptic world, even a 10-year-old boy would have hardened up a bit. Not this guy.

Papa, Papa, whine whine cry. That's basically his lot in the movie.

Give it a go, but don't expect anything ground-breaking. Vigo is solid, and there isn't really anyone else of note.

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt (2009)

The worst movie I've seen in 2009

[1/10 · 29 December 2009]

Corny. Predictable. Slow. Unbearably tedious. Jesse Metcalfe. Michael Douglas.

There's half a dozen reasons not to see this movie. Need more? Wooden acting would be a compliment for most of the cast. Michael Douglas is his usual self, neither brilliant nor terrible, but it's still not enough to save this movie - he's lucky that his wife's career is steaming along. He has been reduced to the worst of the B-Grade thrillers - although I use the term 'thriller' loosely.

Jesse Metcalfe is the least convincing actor in the movie. Should have stuck to being the eye candy on some soap/drama for bored housewives. He failed to convey any of the emotions or tension required for his character. And what's with the Superman haircut??!? The plot, oh the plot. Well done it would still be tedious and predictable, but this is a train-wreck. Long-winded pointless dialog, combined with clumsy attempts to create drama and tension create the impression that this movie was made by a bunch of work-experience students.

It's so predictable as to render watching the entire thing unnecessary. Watch the first half, and you already know the rest.

I wish I hadn't watched it at all. Do not pay money, or waste hours of your life to see this film.

The Last House on the Left (2009)

The worst movie I've seen in recent memory......

[1/10 · 20 June 2009]

......and I've been watching some absolute garbage. But all that pales into insignificance once this rubbish comes on.

The storyline is so ridiculous it beggars belief, but the good news of that is that it takes the heat off the APPALLING acting and embarrassing fight scenes.

Character development - zero. Intrigue - zero. Tension - zero.

I'm tempted to say that it's absolute shite from beginning to end, but that's being a bit harsh on the beginning, given that this movie has the most embarrassingly pathetic ending I have ever seen in 35 years of watching movies.

I actually found myself wanting everyone in the movie to die, just so that it would be over sooner.

This is my first ever comment on IMDb about ANY movie whatsoever, so judge from that the passion with which I implore all movie go-ers to avoid wasting not only money, but precious hours of your life.

Do NOT see this movie.

If you were involved in any way with the writing, screenplay, production or distribution of this movie, hang your head in shame. You are at least in part responsible for providing the worst movie since Dude, Where's My Car. In fact that movie was better than this.