schmofldofl Reviews

Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)

How to create a new Terminator movie: An easy-to-follow guide in 5 steps

[3/10 · 18 November 2022]

1. Use an alternate timeline so you don't have to think about avoiding possible consequences that might interfere with the next three movies.

2. Use a bunch of intriguingly flashy scenes to make reviewers feel bad about giving the movie the three stars it deserves.

3. Put the story of the first three Terminator movies into a mixer, add a pinch of salt, seven spoons of pig excrements and twelve grams of unnecessary character clichés.

4. Make extensive use of explosions, sunglasses, the vomit-evoking "fate-cliché" as well as Arnold Schwarzenegger to remind people that these movies used to be more than those four aspects.

5. Make the Terminators more human and have childr... WHAT

Why? Why in the name of the third version of Sarah Connor would you do that? This movie is a disgrace for all the brilliant moral and philosophical dilemma the first three movies were able to provide. Another franchise ruined by Hollywood. What a shame.

By the way, except for this sentence I wrote this review half-way through the movie. Now I've seen the rest and realized that I don't have to change a single word. That hilariously proves how pointless the second half really is.

• schmofldofl.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

There are not enough words in the English language to express my disappointment.

[1/10 · 31 October 2022]

I have never written a review about anything in my whole life. But this movie has crossed a line at which it is not possible not to share how I want my brain to explode after seeing this.

There was not a single scene without a quadrillion inconsistencies. From minor mistakes to plot holes the size of Alaska. Sometimes you will have no idea what's going on, sometimes you will cry in pain by the non-sense you are seeing with your, at this point, surely bleeding eyes. If the main goal of the movie was to increase suicide rates, then they did a great job. From any other perspective this movie is a war crime and should be considered a public enemy.

If you, for whatever god forbidden reason, let it be euthanasia or some kind of chainsaw-kink, still decide to watch this movie, then at least take some advice. Get drunk. Get high. Surgically remove your eyes, ears and possible your brain. Do anything in your power to reduce the time looking at the screen to witness any of the approximately 139,680 frames of the movie. Personally, I started blinking very rapidly to decrease the watch time.

And whatever you do, do not share this movie with friends. They will hate you as much as I hate the one that shared this movie with me.

• schmofldofl.