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Reviews
The Exterminator (1980)
Bad Guys Beware,He Ain't The Orkin Man
THE EXTERMINATOR is a cheap urban exploitationer whose success probably yielded the DEATH WISH sequels. Being how those Charles Bronson sequels were just as cheap and grimy(and bad)as this film is, maybe the quality to profitability ratio was sensible from Michael Winner's standpoint. Then again,I have no doubt that THE EXTERMINATOR also spurred the obviously much better and more successful FIRST BLOOD. Michael Winner doesn't make movies anymore, he is a restaurant critic. Draw your own conclusion. Hint:Winner takes fall. Cannon Group fodder.
You have to love the cut-rate approach that a film like THE EXTERMINATOR takes. Here you have an opening shot that I swear could parody the one in APOCALYPSE NOW if this movie didn't use it to serve it's genre hook. Since the opening setting is in Vietnam,you need it to be at night to veil the sound stage, you also need little palm trees, an interrogation scene that can be used later for inducing cold sweats and flashbacks and of course, last but not least you got your squad running to the ubiquitous Huey taking fire.
Flashforward a decade and you have your protagonist alive and well with his 'Nam buddy who literally saved his head. They work at a meat packing plant which will come in handy for "the man they pushed too far". Afterall,he fought in the Far East and his name is John Eastland. Apparently,the detective (Christopher George)is the only one who picks up on that kind of karma.
To play the main character,you have Robert Ginty who played a 'Nam buddy in COMING HOME. How convenient and economical! You'll also notice that he'd play Vietnam vets in most of his later films as well. American typecasting;always so reliable.
THE EXTERMINATOR could have been at least enjoyably bad had it went along more of the lines of a slasher/vigilante pic. Yes,the The Exterminator uses a blowtorch. But it is not the trademark weapon as you are lead to believe. He uses it only once or twice but it isn't the cool flamethrower gun on the poster. 2004's THE PUNISHER makes a nod to this film in one torture scene. Nor is the Exterminator outfitted like on the poster either.Although there are other cool gruesome deaths to satisfy gorehounds, this film miserably failed to align itself with the Friday THE 13TH crowds of that same year. Maybe that's why this movie is out of print.
Dawn of the Dead (1978)
Maul Rats
The opening company credit appears before a grainy, blood red screen that tightly pulls back to reveal a shot of a woman lying on a carpeted lounge deep in nightmare. So begins DAWN OF THE DEAD; Sequel to the 1968 cult classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. Dawn has also attained cult status as well though it is not as familiar a title as Night to the average viewer. Night shocked many an audience with its pure rawness of tawdry filmmaking depicting disembowelments and flesh-eating in black and white film that was just as bleak as the film's ending. DAWN OF THE DEAD deliberately lightens up the continuation of the blood-soaked saga of an apocalypse of the Undead in vibrant color to encompass a grotesque spectrum. It takes place sometime after the events of the first film. How long I am not sure,but it doesn't seem like those militia rednecks had the situation under control after all. The film centers around four people who have escaped the city engulfed in wide-spread panic,chaos,anarchy and plague. They find refuge in a large shopping mall which they must fortify in order secure an ideal haven,only to discover all too ambiguously, that with creature comforts there still comes a price. Upon first seeing this film awhile back,and after being terrified with Night,I was impressed with its ambition of being The satiric horror film. However,I felt and still do now that the movie has no business being as long as it is. Looking back,I think the film's stab at America's consumer frenzy would've been that much more effective had it been made during the 1980's Reaganomics era. As a horror film it is not that frightening,nor do I think that it is meant to be. The Gore EFX are very impressive, the Make-up EFX are not, but the film's tight editing of action scenes is some of the best I have seen, which helps smooth over that gap accordingly and believably(Film editor Pasquale Buba would later work his cutting magic in the memorable shoot-out scene in 1995's HEAT) Overall,DAWN OF THE DEAD is a very good piece of independent filmmaking. Though like one of its zombies,it might bite a little bit more than it can chew.
Jason X (2001)
This Evil Still Gets A Bad Grade
If Jason Voorhies can't be killed,why shouldn't the sequels be just as invincible? Even diminishing audiences to this futile series can't bury the hatchet on this guy. If you can't beat 'em, enjoy 'em. That's the attitude of this self-spoofing tenth FRIDAY THE 13TH sequel. Upon seeing JASON X, I expected to see a plethora of possibilities in its sci-fi setting in the vein of a parody since the scare element has long been unavailing in this type of horror. Then again, they couldn't put any entertainment value in the last nine tries why would the tenth be any different? The movie starts out in the near future with Jason Voorhies being kept in Camp Crystal Research Facility where he is being prepared to be cryogenicized until it can be figured out how to kill him. He escapes impoundment not even 10 minutes into the movie and kills everyone in sight except for the scientist who throws him and herself into the freeze chamber. They are discovered a few centuries later by a group of nubile students who inhabit a spacestation,which is where most of this movie will take place. They manage to thaw out the scientist and her arch enemy. Bad idea. Jason soon awakes to find his machete and more salacious teens to slaughter. The gory killings retain the same style as before and there are a couple of funny scenes that poke fun at slasher cliches. I saw this film at a midnight showing. The audience consisted mostly of kids who weren't even born when FRIDAY THE 13TH first came out. Maybe that's why the studio thought that this movie could work. But they can't even get that right. They can't even spoof the right movie! You'd think that after SCREAM, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER and URBAN LEGEND etc., that JASON X could at least take full advantage of trying to top all those flicks by having its own series to freshen up scares and laughs. But no,it mostly goes the way of ripping off the ALIEN movies. The last couple of scenes even directly rip-off from ALIEN RESURRECTION. Shame on me for giving a bad slasher series a tenth chance.
Kiss of the Dragon (2001)
Dragonball Li
Paris seems to be the best city in the world for an espionage movie. Maybe because of the elegance and grace of its scenery. Almost as if it is the perfect place to hide roguish hi-jinx beneath the surface of its leisurely atmosphere. Then again,maybe it's just another interesting setting to stage a Jet Li movie. And since French filmmaker Luc Besson is producer,why not? In KISS OF THE DRAGON, there are fights in a snazzy hotel, on a floating cafe, an infamous freeway tunnel, a cobblestoned rue and an old school orphanage. The choreography of these fights are top-notch. Although these days,this is the type of film where some viewers will be looking for the strings. You can thank DVD for that. The star of the this vehicle is obviously Jet Li. Next to Jackie Kong, Hong Kong's biggest action star. He plays a cop who,I think,is supposed to be a Chinese version of a U.S. Marshall. He is supposed to apprehend and extradite an alleged drug kingpin with the help of a nefarious French inspector. Well,things don't go quite as intended. Instead, it turns out to be an ambush for reasons that I am not quite sure. Anyhow,that sets the plot in motion as Jet Li's hero is set up for the murder and must single-handedly fight off the sleazy police. And sleazy they are. They operate a prostitution ring as a device for catching high rolling criminals with their pants down. Literally. Can't they just use undercovers? Literally? Bridget Fonda co-stars as a shanghai-ed hooker whose daughter is kept away by the main villain. She just happens to meet her hero on the street where he is hiding. Fonda's presence in the film is for extra star power just in case Jet Li's name isn't enough of a draw. The sleazy Prefect of Police is played by Tcheky Karyo(THE PATRIOT,BAD BOYS) who looks and plays the role with villainous zeal in the exact manner of David Warner and Malcolm McDowell. Unfortunately, the character is nothing more than a rehash of the loose cannon cop that Gary Oldman overplayed in Luc Besson's THE PROFESSIONAL. Burt Kwouk from THE PINK PANTHER movies has a small role as a Chinese contact in Paris,but his role surprisingly isn't a comic one. The one thing I did admire about this flick is that it incorporated its title in the plot at the very end. I thought it was just another variant hook on Bruce Lee's blockbuster. From what I understand, the title reference is an actual phenomenon. It's amazing what the story department can spin into a movie these days. Good job.
Resident Evil (2002)
'EVIL' : Dead on the Mark!
I have a friend who when we watch movies, he refuses to watch horror films because they unnecessarily scare him. Yet,the only video game he seems to enjoy playing is RESIDENT EVIL. He still has yet to explain that stroke of contradiction to me. Then again,this is someone who once told me he doesn't wear a safety belt because he is not afraid of dying,but once when I wanted him to go skydiving with me, he turned me down flat because he said he is afraid of heights. Maybe his logic is that he likes to be in control of a situation if he is going to be afraid of one. I on the other hand,am not a huge fan of video games. At least playing them. These days the graphics and sound are so advanced that I find myself watching them rather than wanting to play them. I do however love watching horror flicks. Surely there could be some sort of horror movie that I could take him to see. Instead of just waiting for a follow up to his favorite game, he found out that it was coming to the big screen and he wanted to see it. Being the hit video game that it was,it came as no surprise that a movie version of RESIDENT EVIL would be highly anticipated. Almost everyone would agree that movies based on popular game franchises are not a successful investment. RESIDENT EVIL is clearly the exception to the rule only because its source material already borrows from a popular horror genre. The right director is employed to make the movie work. While Paul Anderson(MORTAL KOMBAT,EVENT HORIZON)will not give you a subtle, thought provoking film in the vain of MAGNOLIA director P.T. Anderson, he doesn't adopt P.T. Barnum's "there is a sucker born every minute" school of thought either. The film is well aware of its George Romero zombie roots. It pays homage to it while staying close to the plot similarities of the video game. RESIDENT EVIL takes place mostly in the hi-tech underground facility of Racoon City. The evil Umbrella Corporation has a monopoly on all the world's technologies including nuclear,biological and chemical weaponry. Is this supposed to be a sendup of the Phillip Morris companies? Anyhow, the film wastes no time cranking the action level into full throttle. A saboteur in the research and development department meticulously unleashes a deadly virus(in an opening shot similar to the one seen in HANNIBAL) that will annihilate those exposed and turn them into blood thirsty zombies. The facility goes into automatic lockdown and all Hades breaks loose. Enter the super slick response team set up for failure from the word go. The "Hive" is controlled by a HAL 9000-like supercomputer to keep them from getting out. Milla Jovovich(THE FIFTH ELEMENT,THE MESSENGER) and Michelle Rodriguez(THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS)are the heroines who get to do most of the bloody work. sLiPkNoT,Mudvayne and Marilyn Manson,artists who seem to make most of their money playing on soundtracks of horror movies rather than on the radio are on the soundtrack of this one too. RESIDENT EVIL is a fun, in-your-face and ghoulish action pic. Whether you have heard of the video game or not,if you are expecting a fast paced frenzy accessorized by the lush color that blood will provide than this may be your cup of Joe.
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
Bloody Amateur
The small mining town of Valentine Bluffs is commemorating its title holiday despite the 20th anniversary of a careless disaster in the tunnels. Legend has it, that the one survivor will come back to avenge those who will celebrate on that day. The psychopathic partypooper is a pickax-wielding zeitgeist who likes to cut out the hearts of his unsuspecting victims and send them in heart shaped boxes to more unsuspecting dummies as a token novelty. How thoughtful. What is not so novel is this movie. Released by Paramount, this Canadian made junk is a very obvious miner for the cash that FRIDAY THE 13TH(also from Paramount) found. Problem is, a slasher pic banks on its stylish and numerous depictions of gore and dismemberments. MY BLOODY VALENTINE was severely trimmed down by the studio to receive an R rating. And if you know that, then you know this movie trimmed of its gore is about as bankable as porkchops in Israel. The film stars Paul Kelman(who?), Lori Hallier(who?)and Neil Afflek(any relation to Ben?) as the main characters in a love triangle. They along with their friends, decide to get drunk and venture into the mines. Even before 1998's SCREAM, it has become a pasttime to spot how many times characters curse themselves. In this movie, one guy tells the others,"I will be back in 10 minutes, I want to show her the main shaft." Yeah,go figure. They also heed against such innuendo as a sign in the mine that reads "Safety First!" You know you're watching a B-movie when they cast B-movie vet lookalikes. I thought I saw Christopher George, Stockard Channing and Bruno Kirby in the cast. They weren't. Hey,but if nothing else,you get a nice little intriguing whodunit, right? I guess. But alot of viewers said they figured out who did it. Ok,well at least you get an ironic ending right? Yeah,right. The only irony is that the killer in a hockey mask is from a movie made by Americans and not by these north of the border hacks. For whatever its worth; Eat your heart out,Canada.
Bambi Meets Godzilla (1969)
The wrecking ball of my fragile childhood!
Once upon a time there was a 7 year old boy who was staying up in front of the set well past his bedtime. What appeared to be anyway, was an innocuous introduction for a cartoon. An innocent fawn walked onto the screen,grazing so eloquently to the sound of the forest birds chirping so heavenly. So peaceful. Almost gracefully. What could possibly be more harmonious than this virginal rhythm of nature? What could...? What the...?! Where did that come from?! How could this be?! Where's my Mommy!?
BAMBI MEETS GODZILLA has long since been a cult classic and staple at cartoon/animation festivals. Well representative of the counterculture,it has won numerous accolades for best animated short in most quarters. If you haven't seen it yet, it is also featured on Cartoon Network every once in awhile. The last time I saw B.M.G. was about 11 years ago(long after the visceral assault on my prepubescent psyche)on the late nite show NIGHT FLIGHT. It was obviously an underground film,but since you can now find it at BlockBuster and buy it on Amazon.com, I'm not sure how the creators managed to sidestep(unlike you know who!) the Walt Disney Company. The film is no doubt groundbreaking(a relevant term)and had to be the inspiration for such artists as Tim Burton, Matt Groening,Mike Judge,Rob Zombie and Tre Parker to name a few. It's good to see that art can be a device as well as a form of expression.
The Yellow Balloon (1953)
Dark 'Balloon' is obscure curiosity
THE YELLOW BALLOON can be said to be a period piece unto itself. It is an art film that was made in the early 50's. A time when cinema was dead in the water. Especially in Britain. Television was attempting to upstage the big screen until THE ROBE debuted(also in 1953). THE YELLOW BALLOON takes place in post-WW2 London which makes it even more referential in its sociological tone. It's Hitchcockian plot concerns a capricious boy who gets misconstrued with a tragic event perpetrated by the incidental drudges of his war-torn society. The most fascinating aspect of the film is that the plot is a byproduct of the film itself. In many ways it resembles Kurosawa's HIGH AND LOW. Anyone familiar with that film or the Ed McBain story will appreciate this. THE YELLOW BALLOON is also notable as an early film by J. Lee Thompson(GUNS OF NAVARRONE)and cameraman Gilbert Taylor(DR. STRANGELOVE, STAR WARS) You might also recognize William Sylvester who played Dr. Heywood Floyd in 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. THE YELLOW BALLOON is a lost film,which also means that it is hard to find. If you ever do find it,consider yourself a genuine afficianado.
My Fair Lady (1964)
My "FAIR" Share
"MY FAIR LADY" never ceases to dazzle me even after years since I have seen it. Based on George Bernard Shaw's "PYGMALION", it did what few musical adaptations could pull off: Shine with brilliance and splendour in betterment of it's classical source. The sumptuousness of this film lies not in its scope or production values but in its delicious performances from all involved. Particularly in Rex Harrison's Prof. Higgins. I have always been of the belief that he was one of the greatest actors in British theater. Rather than tirelessly croon the songs,he seems to be talking to the music;using it as a vehicle. You would be hard pressed to think of any other actor who could even approach playing the role with the grace and tour de force that Harrison lent. It is the role that Rex will always be famous for which,unfortunatly, is why his film career thereafter was relatively erratic. The box office bomb "DOCTOR DOOLITTLE" is an example of this.
For readers who still have not seen "MY FAIR LADY", its a tale about Miss Eliza Doolittle, a street peddling flower girl who is transformed into an elegant Lady by the ever arrogant misogynist Prof. Henry Higgins. "The Rain In Spain" and "Getting Married in the Morning" will standout in your mind for years to come. Audrey Hepburn plays Eliza with gusto. There was alot of flak caused by the casting of the late Ms. Hepburn over Julie Andrews who was a staple in the Broadway production. In retrospect,I am of the opinion that this choice was the correct one. Sure, Julie Andrews had the renowned voice that the songs required (Marnie Nixon dubbed the musical numbers in the film) but I think the success of "MARY POPPINS" would've diluted the freshness and fabric that comes with role of Eliza. Besides, Hepburn had a certain presence and spontaniety that the big screen requires. Her flair and dynamics in the role are superb. However,the supporting cast really shines. I am astonished that Stanley Holloway was snubbed for Best Supporting Oscar to Peter Ustinov in the less seen "TOPAKI". His Alfred doolittle is one of the most flamboyant and affable characters in screen history. Ditto with Wilfred Hyde-White's performance of col. Pickering;the eternal gentleman who arranges the pact with Eliza and Prof. Higgins. Another standout is the "Show Me" duet between Eliza and Freddie Eynsford-Hill(Jeremy Brett). The horse race folly will also be remembered. The film is a must for those who enjoy splendid performances in the great cinematic tradition,this is a requirement.
Bones (2001)
No "BONES" About It
Well, at least the folks at New Line Cinema were smart enough to market this Snoop Doggy dog of a film in season. It's dog season. "It's eat Dog", the title character asserts. And it sure is because BONES cannot be anymore unmemorable than the other Halloween releases of '01 i.e. THIR13EEN GHOSTS. Snoop Dogg stars as Jimmy Bones, a gaudy 'hood pusher who is resurrected ala HELLRAISER to stalk his killers. BONES also stars Pam Grier as his old flame. She does go up in one by credits end by the way. It's fitting how Pam Grier can have such a role which requires such a glorious death. Altruism sucks,don't it? Well,never mind. Half of the movie seems to be filled with flashbacks of Jimmy Bones' mortal and immortal incarnations which the producers think justifies it's frenetic music video-style look. Check out the credits sequence. Make no bones about it(pun obviously intended)BONES is a ripoff of Alex Proyas' THE CROW not to mention it is also just another post-SCREAM horror romp, crackerjack ending and all. At least in a box of Crackerjacks you know your only getting one rip-off.
Coming to America (1988)
A Comedy to America
An affable Prince is arranged to be married so he can succeed his father as ruler of the Kingdom. Questioning the illustrious traditions of his royalty,he decides to seek out a real world bride who will love him for who he is. Where can he find this woman? The subsequent culture shock of New York City is the obvious hook for audiences and it pays off handsomely. Instead of setting itself up for a plethora of inside jokes and obvious satire of general American values, the movie provides a sketch that allows the comedy to unfold. "COMING TO AMERICA" is easily Eddie Murphy's most polished effort thanks in large part to comedy auteur John Landis. After chafing out his welcome with "BEVERLY HILLS COP II", Murphy endears us with a character we can both love and laugh at. The film's best asset though, is director Landis' impeccable comic timing. The movie is chock full of hilarious set pieces that aren't so self-contained that they compromise our ability to take its love story serious. Viewers will also enjoy spotting Cuba Gooding Jr. and Samuel L. Jackson in early roles.
Spawn (1997)
A Comic Effort
"SPAWN" is the big screen adaptation of the Todd MacFarlane comic book which also was an animated mini-series for HBO. After seeing the movie, I could see why it was disappointing. The story and character of Spawn is very intriguing. He is not just another caped,quasi-iconoclastic superhero that graduates from comic book page to silver screen. He was a government-hired killer whose contract had been terminated. Recruited by the legions of Hell to lead them in a "showdown of good vs evil", he hopes to see the girlfriend he left behind. But he is bested more by revenge and bitterness than by sense of duty, and therefore he is still prone to psychological and spiritual torment. This portrayal seems to be the difference between the movie and the comic book. And for the movie, this personal baggage is more a departure point in favor of action scenes. This is why "SPAWN" doesn't work. Of course action scenes have to be the center piece of a comic book movie,but they don't have to be slave to it. Wouldn't it be just as well,if not better, if the exciting battles could be incidental to the hero's plight rather than just obligatory? Not surprisingly, this movie is more content with just showcasing special effects. Fine, most audiences are satisfied with that anyways. The problem is,the special effects in "SPAWN" are a huge letdown, confined mostly to the ubiquitous CGI used to show the flights,fights and infernal backdrops. The cast is equally as predictable. Spawn is played by kickboxer Michael Jai White whose physique and stature would be logical, but whose performance is as good as can be expected. Martin Sheen as the mortal villain, just plays a hammier version of the same type of character he did in "FIRESTARTER". And Nicol Williamson follows suit from his Merlin in "EXCALIBUR". The movie's main villain however is the Clown/Violator(John Leguizamo). Though flamboyant, attempts at comic relief are confused. His many appearances in the forlorn but stagebound settings make "SPAWN" more reminiscent of the "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET" movies rather what was intended from the comic book. Maybe Todd Macfarlane should literally go back to the drawing board on this one.
The Meateater (1979)
Requiem for The Meateater
I remember this movie vaguely. I saw it on "Elvira's Macabre Dark Mistress Theater"(or something like that). I have been reading a few of the above reviews and it is safe to assume that this flick has been rendered unanimously a Z-Grade howler of the very first order. And rightfully so. However, there is something to celebrate in this trash. And that would be the nostalgia of low-budget(to the say the least in this case) 70's garbage that can only be represented in the spirit of movies like this. "THE MEATEATER" was probably filmed by a wayward crew trying to cash in on the drive-in craze that saturated inner-city lots across the Midwest and California at that time. When I saw this flick it was appropriately mocked by Elvira. Now,it would be lucky enough to be even relegated to collecting dust on a shelf at some Mom and Pop video rental(If those still exist). Aside from that, the filmmakers obviously intended to entice "THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE" crowd. Hence,the title. But it's plot similarity to that film is tenuous. For those of you who actually went to the trouble to seek out a review of this very obscure picture, I admire your frivolousness for the genre. And I do owe you a bottom line opinion. "THE MEATEATER" is an abysmal movie. If you have sought it out,then it is worth renting because of the reasons stated above. Other than that,the movie will forever descend gracelessly to the bowels of oblivion and beyond.