KRAI THONG: This was my first Thai horror movie experience and it was... just plain lousy! I won't condemn the Thai film industry with this one though because I really enjoyed their quirky gangster flick, BANGKOK DANGEROUS and I've read lots of things saying how good their ghost movie NANG NAK is. So trying to keep things positive for the Asian Cinema (in all it's many forms), I'll discuss the better points (there are actually a few) about this film. First, the story must be based on an old legend because it has that fable "feel" to it. Also, towards the end of the movie, there's a part where it seems that the actual legend ends and the director takes over with full creative control (similar to the point towards the end of the French action / fantasy flick, BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF) where "somewhat based on an actual occurance" turns into "how much do you think we can get away with". Anyway, the story is about a giant crocodile that has been terrorizing the countryside. It's really the devil-god, CHALAWAN, who can change from man to crocodile at will. He, along with his two Gator Girls (love slaves who can also transform into crocodiles) are causing so much trouble for the townsfolk that the mayor declares that if any man can kill the evil reptiles, he will be rewarded riches beyond his dreams and his two beautiful daughters as wives. Damn, what a prize?! These girls are fine too! Well, CHALAWAN gets wind of all this and kidnaps one of the mayor's daughters. After raping her and placing a curse on the poor girl, the action begins as our hero, KRAI TONG, sets out to kill the monster-people and get alittle snooky along the way. But don't be fooled by my quick synopsis. It's NOT as good as it may sound. And honestly, I couldn't tell if director SUTHAT INTARANUNPAKORN wanted to make a romantic film, a horror movie, or a porn flick. Again, don't get excited about the "porn" word either. There's LOTS of sex in here but no real skin shots to speak of (!) and even with 4 gorgeous Thai vixens walking around half-naked, we only get a brief nude scene from one of the lovely ladies. But luckily, it was (my personal favorite Gator Gal) LUAM who shows off her breasts through a water soaked white dress. So all in all, a rather boring, badly acted (and I can't even speak Thai), straight-to-video attempt to cash in on a few good looking Asian girls in skimpy outfits (who'd be better off doing porn anyway). But I will say that the half-human crocodile-baby at the very end was really quite funny to see and almost better than the whole damn movie itself.
Reviews
23 Reviews
Volcano High
(2001)
A Live-Action Anime Flick From Korea
21 December 2002
VOLCANO HIGH SCHOOL: You'll either LOVE or HATE this movie depending on what mood you're in when you watch it. But let's see, what exactly have we got here? This movie is like playing a video game on the hardest difficulty setting. It's just like standing in line for the premiere of a blockbuster motion picture. It's a front row seat at a Korean ROB ZOMBIE concert. It's a shot of whiskey without the chaser. Rough and rowdy, it's fast (oh yes!), it's furious (oh hell yes!), it's THE X-MEN meets THE MATRIX in high school. It's WHASANGO aka VOLCANO HIGH directed by KIM TAE-GYUN and it doesn't get any better than this! Leave your brain at the ticket booth and kick back for a supernatural Martial Arts CGI assault-fest on your senses for which there may NEVER be an equal to. Yet again, the Korean Cinema kicks the door open to the boundaries of film storytelling with an epic effort that has everything going for it. There's mucho action, wacky punk rock characters, hilarious "foreign" comedy, snazzy computer animated special effects, babe-o-licious Asian teen hotties, and a smack-you-in-the-mouth fight scene finale that borderlines pure unadulterated Kung-Fu Theatre bliss. It tells the tale of the student body of the infamous Volcano High who, after the "student-teacher war" have begun to adjust to a slightly normal education process. Of course, with students running around with extraordinary superhuman powers, it's never easy for the teachers to keep order in the classroom and the fact that whoever "runs" the school becomes the inheritor of the fabled "sacred manual of fighting techinques" means there's trouble brewing all the time. Enter the major cast of characters who are in competition for this award: Kim Kyung Soo (actor JANG HYUK), our main star and newest transfer student. Hak Rim aka Elegant Crane (actor KWAN SNAG-WOO), the current number one fighting champion. Chae-Yoo aka Icy Jade (actress SHIN MIN-A), the captain of the Kendo Club and Soh Yu (actress KONG HYO-JIN), her supra-sexy second in command. Jang Ryang aka Dark Ox (actor KIM SO-ROH), leader of the Weight Lifting Club. And Shimma (actor KIM HYEONG-JONG), orange haired head of the Rugby Team. This motley crew, together with a zany supporting cast of student followers, teachers, and principals, makes this extreme viewing pleasure all that more enjoyable. There's even a little love story for the chicks. And when things really heat up, the vice-principal calls in "The School 5: Masters of Suppressing School Wrongdoing" to handle the situation. And believe you me, those five can kick some major behind. But does the whole thing make any sense, you ask. NO! Does it have to? NO! It's simply mindless "eye-candy" entertainment for those interested in such fluff and if you think too hard about the actual story or plot, I do believe that your brain just may turn to mush. Everyone will certainly walk away from this film with a different take on it but for me, the benefits of seeing this flick not only satisfied my craving for another fix from the "exaggerated cinema" but gave me the wonderful opportunity to witness the existance of probably the sexiest girl in South Korea, the sultry Soh Yu with her nappy matted hair, permanent angry face, and super "take no shit" saucy attitude. And she can "GO" too. Too bad she didn't have a bigger part (with nude scenes) though. So, with all that being said, what are you still waiting on?! Go see this movie right now! In my opinion, no Asian DVD collection can be complete without it.
Red Shadow: Akakage
(2001)
The Future of Japanese Ninja Flicks
21 December 2002
THE RED SHADOW: I've seen the future of the Japanese "new-age" ninja / samurai cinema and it's the supra-hip RED SHADOW film directed by HIROYUKI NAKANO (of SAMURAI FICTION fame) and starring ANDO MASANOBU (the absolutely psychotic, but absolutely cool Kiriyama from the Greatest Japanese film of all time, BATTLE ROYALE). Hopefully this movie will do to the "new-wave" ninja genre what SEIJUN SUZUKI (BLOOD, PISTOL OPERA, BRANDED TO KILL) and TAKASHI MIIKE (FUDOH, DEAD OR ALIVE, TOKYO MAFIA) did for the modern "neon-pop" Yakuza scene. But all that aside, RED SHADOW, simply put, is a flashy, hip (I know this word keeps coming up), stylish, "live-action" comic book, martial arts comedy made into one long jazzy music video. Just sit back and enjoy because it's nothing but colorful, snazzy eye-candy mingled with mindless high-gloss fluff and it's very, very fun to watch. As for the plot of the movie itself, Ando stars as the ninja, AKA KAGE (the RED SHADOW) and along with his bumbling ninja-buddy, the BLUE SHADOW and their female partner (and love interest), ASUKA (or ASKA, however you wish to pronounce it), they go out on important missions to capture or steal information for their master who's goal is to keep the peace throughout the kingdom which is about to erupt into civil war. As the movie progresses, we meet all kinds of samurai (both good and bad) and the many "specialty" warriors (zany characters you'd see in a fantasy Anime). But the real story starts to take shape when we meet the newly crowned, PRINCESS KOTO (played by MEGUMI OKINA), who's in jeopardy of loosing her castle and army to a traitor from among her own family members. And if this person succeeds, this will surely bring the entire kingdom to the brink of war. So, it's up to the RED SHADOW and company to expose this threat, save the Princess from the evil-doers, and prevent the impending civil war. So from what's you've just read, you can expect it to be very traditional, very simple, pretty basic, and straight to the point. Which (in this case) actually works excellent for this movie. There's no real plot twists to worry about or mysteries to baffle the viewer (the "bad guys" are shown right from the start and their intentions are stated very early on) so it's an hour and a half of quirky, martial arts foolishness (very similar to the much overlooked SCREAMING MAD GEORGE zany KUNG-FU RASCALS flick) and wacky characters doing wacky things. I used to always say that JET LI's super-hero, Kato-inspired, action frolic, THE BLACK MASK was the closest thing to watching a comic book on the tv screen but RED SHADOW now grabs that coveted title. So, kick back, check it out, and simply enjoy.
Fulltime Killer
(2001)
Chinese Action Cinema At It's Finest
21 December 2002
FULLTIME KILLER: I think renowned Chinese adrenaline movie director, JOHNNIE TO (probably best known for his gangster-buddy-comaraderie flick, THE MISSION) must have seen the American movie, ASSASSINS with Antonio Banderas and Sylvester Stallone, and decided to make his own version of that film. He really must have liked it because FULLTIME KILLER rocks much ass! It's quite simply a masterpiece of Chinese filmmaking and a "must see" for anyone wishing to step into the genre for the first time (or any time for that matter). And for myself, it also introduced me to Hong Kong's action marvel, ANDY LAU. I have to tell you though, in this film, he is quite possibly the coolest, craziest Oriental hitman to ever grace the screen (watch out, Chow!) of any movie! Further more, after seeing many other ANDY LAU movies since then, I can say that this is probably his greatest role ever, even though many critics say his RUNNING OUT OF TIME (also a JOHNNIE TO movie) performance is his best (and he even won a Golden Dragon award for it too). Anyway, the movie tells the story of flamboyant and reckless hitman Tok (ANDY LAU), who's the number two ranked assassin in China. His goal is to become the best in the business. But first, he's gotta take out the number one ranked hitman, known only as "O" (played by Japanese actor, TAKASHI SORIMACHI). He decides to smooze his way into contact with O by getting involved with O's lady friend, Chin (actress KELLY LIN). This sets up a dangerous love triangle with only ONE possible outcome... the death of either Tok or O. But to make matters worse, hard-nosed Hong Kong detective Lee (played by popular gangster movie actor, SIMON YAM) is out to nab the pair of them himself. So, the three men square off in a war of bold quick-thinking, bullet-riddled, balls-to-the-wall excitement that stretches across the entire city and claims many a life by the conclusion of the film. But it's not really the plot that you should pay attention to, rather, it's the outrageous, over-the-top, seemingly impossible battles of bloodshed that deserve the viewer's attention. Where else would you see a hitman stroll into a police station with a loaded riot shogun stuffed into a box of roses and start blowing to pieces anyone that gets in his way until he finds his target in a locked cell. He then pulls the pin from a grenade, drops it into a bag of a dozen more, and tosses it into the cell. The poor bastard gets about 10 seconds to scramble to find the live one before the whole station goes up. And BOOM! Now that's Hong Kong action cinema right there, boys and girls! There's also assassinations in public places in broad daylight, police car convoys sieged by super assault weapons (similar to the fantastic ultra-realistic gun fight from the under-appreciated AARON KWOK, FRANCIS NG crime film entitled 2000 AD), and several daring cat-and-mouse chases that will leave you just breathless. So if you consider yourself an action movie fan, or an admirer of the Asian Cinema, then by all that's Holy, watch this movie! You will not be disappointed, and that, my friend, is a guarantee!
A Great Entry Into The "G" Franchise
21 December 2002
GODZILLA: GMK: Whether you call it GODZILLA GMK or GODZILLA, MOTHRA, KING GHIDORAH: ALL OUT ATTACK or by it's Japanese name GODZILLA: DAIKAIJU SOUKOUGEKI (GIANT MONSTERS ALL OUT ATTACK), one thing's for damn sure, the Big G's latest outting is another truely entertaining viewing experience. Directed by the fan-adored GAMERA maestro SHUSUKE KANEKO, it's kinda a "what if" or "alternate world" epic this time around definitely in homage to the older 70's G-Flicks in style and "old school" monster melee, where Godzilla (who appears to have had one too many buffets) is an evil spirit of vengeance risen from the dead (since his "original" death way back in 1954 from his very first film) to seek justice for all the men and women who died in the South Pacific during World War 2. Yup, that's right, in this new tale, none of the other twenty-something movies Godzilla appeared in ever existed and the only mention of any other giant monsters comes in the form of a sacred book called the "Yamato Prophecies" where it states that when Japan is threatened, the spirits of the "Monster Gods" (BARAGON, MOTHRA, and KING GHIDORAH) will appear and save the beloved Land of the Rising Sun. And well, you can pretty much guess what's next, when Godzilla goes on the rampage, the other three monsters show up ready for a scuffling and it's a free-for-all, rubber suit style the likes of which only the Japanese can create. It's a no holds barred, take no prisoners super battle that's guaranteed to send fans of the genre into sheer heavenly kaiju bliss. And the fights, oh my, they're straight throwbacks to the earlier fun-loving movies where punches, bites, tail whips, and wrestling moves are in glorious abundance and they'll quickly have you up and sitting on the edge of your seat cheering (or booing depending on which giant monster is your favorite). Not really intended for children, the monsters aren't "nice" so to speak and there are deaths galore in this with the crunching of tiny human bodies under foot reminding me of SHUSUKE's previous giant monster masterpiece, GAMERA 3: REVENGE OF IRIS (aka INCOMPLETE STRUGGLE) film where we finally got to see all those people die while the beasts were wrecking the cities. One terrific scene that really stands out in memory is where we've got Godzilla stomping through town and he looks down and notices all these little people running away from him and screaming. He stops, and while taking a gander at his surroundings, we get the niffy opportunity to see things through his eyes as he focuses in on one person in particular and nukes the entire city block with his super CGI rendered breath weapon. Now he didn't have to do that, ya know, go that far. But that's why we love these movies anyway. Needless to say, other than the 2001 GODZILLA vs MEGAGUIRUS romp, GODZILLA GMK is a mighty leap forward for the Godzilla franchise since the disappointing GODZILLA 2000 and the just totally terrible American travesty. Even sporting a surprise ending and with yet another rematch against his arch rival MECHAGODZILLA off in the Japanese filmmaking horizons, GODZILLA GMK has things looking up for the Big G, I must say. Watch it, you won't be disappointed.
Junk
(2000)
A Japanese Zombie Flick With GUTS!
21 December 2002
JUNK: I don't know if it's just me or if it's the constant bombardment of the Asian movies that I watch but I have to admit to the world that I'm a 100% sucker for horror movies where Japanese women are covered in blood and scream in terror. There's nothing sexier to me than a gorgeous tan-skinned, black-haired, dark-eyed Japanese girl caught in the grip of terror or in the midst of a life-or-death situation. And with that being said, this is why I'd rank this Japanese zombie gore, splat-a-minute fiasco alot higher than it really should be. It's a cheezy, bad-acted (especially with the Americans), easy to read plot, direct to video type of "cheap thrill" flick that does little for the "zombie" genre but to add to the encyclopedia of undead munchings and entrail scarfings. It smacks of LUCIO FULCI's Italian gore-fest masterpiece, ZOMBI and owes alot to the camp classic, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. But what's nice about all this, is that it SHOWS so we're not bogged down with it trying to be something that it's not. We're NOT going to compare this to GEORGE ROMERO's epic "life beyond death" series of films, that's for damn sure. Director MUROGA ATSUSHI knew what he liked and gave us a film that longtime zombie fans (like myself) would grow to expect and wouldn't be dissappointed to see. It's predictable, yes, but it's great fun none-the-less. Saki (actress KAORI SHIMAMURA) and Akira (actor OSAM EBARA) are two of four jewelry thieves who's recent heist brings them into dealings with the Yakuza kingpin, Ramon (actor TATE GOUTA). Their staged meeting place just happens to be an undercover military warehouse where scientific experiments to bring the recently deceased back to life are taking place. And you guessed it, the experiments go wrong and the living dead are unleashed onto the gangsters, the robbers, and the military as well. Using a neon green liquid (ala STUART GORDON and H.P. LOVECRAFT's RE-ANIMATOR) called DNX to bring the dead back to life, Doctor Jun (actor ASANO NOBUYUKI) admits his involvement in the program to hopefuly bring his wife, Kyoko (played by the constant nude actress MIWA) back from the beyond. From here, it's a hour of running from the undead, catching a glimpse of a few moist zombie picnics, getting in a lucky head shot or two, and ALOT of screaming! What else could you possibly want from a zombie flick, huh? But in it's defense to set itself apart from the others, there are two scenes that really stand out in my opinion where it really shines. First, when Saki finds her buddy getting the chowdown from a pack of zombies, she hollers out "They must be zombies! Let's get outta here!" and that's something you'd think people in those kinds of situations would realize. How many movies have we seen where they sit there and pretend that this can't be happening and that there has to be another reason for all this madness?! The second, and most distinguishing scene is where Doctor Jun meets his wife, Kyoko for the first time after she's been turned, and well, it's just great filmmaking there. Nice acting, nice setting, nice music, just a perfect movie moment, even when she goes "super freak" All in all, a pretty damn good movie experience. The import PAL Region 2 DVD was rather expensive (about $30) but I'm certainly glad I got the chance to see it and I would NEVER do without it being in my collection.
I.K.U.
(2000)
Japanese Sci-Fi Porn... Yum!
21 December 2002
IKU: This film, titled I.K.U., which simply translates from Japanese to English as "orgasm" as in "I'm Coming!", is quite the mixed bag of feelings for me. First off, it's tag line of "This Is Not Love, This Is Sex. A Japanese Sci-Fi Porn Feature" already hands us the delightful notion that this is going to be chock full of Oriental nudity and hopefully plenty of great looking Japanese gals engaging in softcore sex. But not only that, these glorious scenes of gratuitous nudity will be splapped into a snazzy science fiction, computer animation enhanced cyber-punk action flick. Right? Nope! I was wrong. It's EXACTLY what female Taiwanese director SHU LEA CHEANG claimed it would be... PORN, pure and simple. Not so much as in straight hardcore "stick it in and pull it out" triple X adult video store porn but more like an attempt to be an "avant garde" experimental sex film. I mean it's loaded with niffty camera angles, neon lighting, quirky CGI effects, futuristic set pieces, and a techno/industrial soundtrack performed by the SABOTEN Band. Oh, and not to mention, the most appealing aspect of all, lots and lots of sex. Story, as if we need one, goes something like this... the Genom Corporation (no relation to the classic Anime series BUBBLEGUM CRISIS) makes beautiful female replicants, or better put, "sex-droids" who venture out into the public and engage in "love making" acts with various lucky fellas of a future Tokyo. They record the orgasmic pleasures (both his and hers) and return to the home office where this "sex info" is uploaded into Genom's main computer databank. This information will later be used to make some sort of ultimate virtual reality sex program, or game, or a better "love-bot", or hell, I don't really remember anyway. I lost track of the so-called story after the first naked Japanese babe showed up on screen. And there's a-plenty of them to go around too. The featured "robo-chick" is named Reiko of the XXX Generation (played by the elf-like actress TSOUSIE, who could be the closest thing to an Oriental TANK GIRL) and she can assume numerous different appearances throughout her multiple sex encounters. Whatever her sexual partner desires, I suppose. This also gives us, the audience, the chance to catch lots of other gorgeous "real life" pornstar Asian hotties in some down and dirty sweat sessions. Casting credits go to actresses AYUMU TOKITHO as Reiko #1, MARIA YUMENO as Reiko #2, YUMEKA SASAKI as Reiko #3, MIHO ARIGA (!) as Reiko #4, MYU ASOU as Reiko #5, and ETSUYO TUCHIDA as Reiko #6. And well, believe it or not, that's pretty much it for the film. There's actually some other stuff happening now and then but nothing really important since you're here for the exact same reason I was, to see those good looking Japanese sweeties in their birthday suits. However, let me warn the guys out there though, please fast forward past the "underground parking lot" chapter if you're easily offended by homosexual activity. There's a scene where two dudes get way too "friendly" with each other that was so sickeningly foul to watch, it nearly ruined the whole movie for me. Steer clear of it, trust me on this. But other than that, IKU certainly wasn't bad at all if you know what you're getting into from the start. Don't let yourself be surprised like I was by expecting a regular movie-type movie here. This isn't one, but hey, if you think about it, Japanese porn is ALWAYS a great thing to see no matter what.
Tell Me Something
(1999)
Excellent Korean Horror
21 December 2002
TELL ME SOMETHING: I'm truely surprised that the Korean cinema hasn't caught on here in America. From what I've seen from them, I've never been let down. First, there was SHIRI, a big budget terrorists vs the government Hollywood style movie. Then the spectacular MUSA, and well, you know my feelings on that one. It was just fantastic. One of my favorite movies of all time. Next was BICHUNMOO, a grand martial arts Kung Fu Theatre epic. Then NO. 3 (aka NUMBER 3 KILLER), a quirky gangster PULP FICTION type of film. And now we have CHANG YOON HYUN's TELL ME SOMETHING, a very good serial killer murder mystery flick. It's also what I call a "Sunday afternoon movie". You know, it's 6 or 7 pm and there's nothing on television to watch so you nab a nice thought provoking drama or crime/suspense flick from the video store and you kick back and watch it. Director DAVID FINCHER's movies like THE GAME and SE7EN are good examples. And this is just as good. But what's so special about this particular one is that you not only get a great "thinking movie" storyline, it also supplies the pleasant blood and gore that most Hollywood films of this sort only hint to or simply happen off-screen. HAN SUK KYU (from SHIRI and NO. 3) stars as troubled police detective Cho on the trail of a terrible serial killer that chops up the bodies of the victims and spreads them throughout the city in black plastic garbage bags. But the niffty new trick here is to mix them up. In bag #1, you may get the arms, head, and heart of victim A. In bag #2 located somewhere else, you find the legs from victim A but they're mixed up with the guts and hands of victim B. Then in bag #3, there's the head and heart of victim B with the legs and guts from victim C. And so on and so on. Get the picture? So after discovering several bags and finally piecing them together like a puzzle to identify the corpses, he finds one link between them all, a lovely young museum currator named Su-Yeon (actress SHIM EUN HA). She's had affairs with all the male victims at one time or another so maybe she's gotta be the killer, right? Well, as I said before, this is more of a "thinking" movie so it's never who you'd expect. There'll be plenty of other suspects to point the finger at as the movie goes on. So without giving away any more details that may spoil the movie, I'll wrap this review up rather short. All in all, this was just another example of how good the Korean film industry has been for me. I hope they continue to impress and maybe, just maybe, they'll find a home here in America.
Downtown Torpedoes
(1997)
More Excellent Chinese "Mission Impossible"
21 December 2002
Warning: Spoilers
DOWNTOWN TORPEDOS: Here's the first of three JORDAN CHAN "secret-spy, Mission Impossible, over-the-top stuntwork, supra hi-tech gadgits and futuristic weapons" action movies that have made it to my import DVD collection. DOWNTOWN TORPEDOS, directed by TEDDY CHAN, is one of the better Hong Kong super-spy films and it's the closest thing to watching an American Hollywood movie I've seen from Asia in a long time. It also stars "pretty boy" Japanese actor TAKESHI KANESHIRO (from SPACE TRAVELERS) with co-starring roles going to CHARLIE YEUNG, KEN WONG (also in Chan's SKYLINE CRUISERS reviewed below) and (silent but super-cute) TERESA LEE. It starts off with our group as spiffy international thieves who enjoy big profit, high risk gigs. After completing their latest heist, they are set to retire but (as it always seems to go) they get nabbed by the G-Team (Hong Kong's secret service) and, in return for their freedom, they are forced to work for the government to track down a set of counterfeit American "Supernote" ($100 dollar bills) printing plates. We are now introduced to bad guy ALEX FONG (co-star of CASINO and in Chan's THE CHEATERS reviewed below) and he's the government agent in charge of the group. So the plans are made and everything goes pretty well until they actually succeed in their mission and get the plates back. They are then double crossed which kills their computer-hack expert Phoenix (TERESSA LEE) and from here on, we get a fast paced, twist-a-minute, thrill-a-moment "Who Done It?" storyline that I really can't talk too much in detail about if I want to avoid any plot spoilers. But needless to say, it's loaded with enough Hollywood-style car chases, big budget explosions, dynamic fisticuffs, and heart pounding gun battles that you'll sit back and tell yourself that it's most certainly unbelievable in terms of realism but it's REALLY fun to watch if you leave your brain at the door. DOWNTOWN TORPEDOS is ranked... Thumbs up!
Sha shou de tong hua
(1994)
An Often Overlooked Andy Lau Gangster Flick
21 December 2002
A TASTE OF KILLING AND ROMANCE: Here's yet another ANDY LAU action, gangster, hitman flick. I mean to tell ya, the man must really enjoy his "likable killer" roles so I guess all these movies aren't too terribly bad because they probably helped him define his character for his greatest role yet, in JOHNNIE TO's gangsta masteriece, FULLTIME KILLER. But this time, it's not hot shot action lead, ANDY LAU that stands out in memory about this film, it's the main "bad guy", actor MARK CHENG. I mean, this guy is hardcore! If you're going to be a "bad guy" in a movie, then by all means, go all out, I say. And he most certainly does! He strangles old women in wheelchairs with plastic wrap. He murders little girls by dumping bleach down their throats. He chops off the fingers of women. He kills male prostitutes by bashing their skulls open with lifting weights. He even goes on to hang his boss and then rapes her dead body. DAMN! This guy's insane! I love it! Oh, the story, you ask... it's simple: Killer A (ANDY LAU) meets Killer B (ANITA YUEN). They fall in love and decide to leave the "business". Their boss sends Killer C (MARK CHENG) to do them in. Throw in a few outclassed detectives on their trail, and that's that in a nutshell. I know, I know, but I can think of worse things to watch on television.
Red to Kill
(1994)
HK Sleaze That's Not Fit For Human Beings
21 December 2002
RED TO KILL: Wow! Again, I ask myself why the hell I watch this stuff?! I mean, from my experiences so far, I should know better but damn it, it always seems to start the same way. I get alittle nervous at the beginning. It's that uneasy, quizzy sensation that creeps up from your bowels when the movie first starts. Because no matter how well you think you've prepared yourself, you NEVER really know for sure what to expect, or whether or not you're going to see something that you shouldn't when it comes to these vile Chinese Category 3 chunkblowing displays of moral debasement. And this movie is certainly one of those unredeemable, wretched messes that no one should like to watch, or lord forbid, find enjoyable. Oh, but that's exactly why we LOVE them so much in the first place! But this one wasn't so much shocking to me as it was just plain sleazy. It's the corruption and perversion of innocence in this flick that causes that awful scratching at your principles of what's right and wrong, or at least, it should. Why, you ask? Well, most of the movie takes place in a shelter for mentally retarded young people so the subject matter alone could easily get completely out of control very quickly if you think about all the wonderful possibilities that a creative sicko-twisted mind could come up with. It also stars LILY CHUNG as Ming Ming, yup, you know her all too well. She's the same poor girl who was tormented and repeatedly raped by her father in another supra-sleazy Chinese C3 taboo-trasher entitled DAUGHTER OF DARKNESS. I will give her credit though, she's NOT afraid to snatch her clothes off and perform a mock rape scene in a very visually disturbing, almost pornographic way. So with depraved s**t like that going for it, what's the movie about you're wondering... it tells the story of an insane mental shelter super-intendent who, whenever he sees the color red on clothes (especially girl's panties), he goes totally bonkers and KILLS and RAPES (usually in THAT order too) the woman or young girl wearing it. Yes, I know what you're thinking, I thought the same thing, this is NOT a nice movie and why am I watching it?! But alas, it's not really his fault (or so society would tell us). When he was young, he and his brother witnessed their mother having sex with a strange man and when their father caught her in the act, she killed him with a meat clever. Enraged, she went on to chop up his little brother and ends up killing herself as well, splashing WHAT all over the place? That red, red blood, of course. Hence the name of the movie and why he goes stupid kill-crazy when he sees it. And in the end, it all gets surprisingly real damn moist and just about everyone gets f***ed up some kinda bad. So, all in all, a repulsive idea for a film that shouldn't have ever been made with scenes of detailed filth for which there is no remorse or forgiveness for. The shower scene after retarded Ming Ming's first rape where she tries to "clean" her "dirtied" sexual body parts with a razor knife comes to mind first. Simply nauseating, sickeningly foul, morally-offensive stuff indeed. But ya know, if you really think about it, the whole exploitive nature of the Asian Horror-Shock Cinema just wouldn't be the same without these rare, uncompromising gems of celluloid obscenities.
Big Head Monster
(2001)
A Chinese BLAIR WITCH PROJECT? You Be The Judge!
2 March 2002
Well, the best way to describe this is by calling it the Chinese BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. Now, this doesn't do it justice and can be quite insulting because it's not nearly as bad as that BLAIR WITCH stinker. But it really p***ed me off because I was SO looking forward to seeing how it was all going to end. Just think BASKET CASE meets THE SIXTH SENSE starring Francis Ng. Yeah, I know, he's in just about everything now-a-days. It's a story of monster babies, ghosts, and good looking Chinese chicks centered around a radio station that asks it's callers to talk about the bizarre and the unexplainable. In it's favor, it's cleverly directed with nice camera sways, quick edits, and slow motion sequences. The tension builds from what at first seemed like a hoax to a full blown supernatural murder mystery. But in the end, it really drops the ball. Even though the import DVD that I bought had two different alternate endings, neither one seemed to wrap up the story and both left you hanging, which was a real let down, wondering why you even bothered to watch it in the first place. So with that in mind, I must give it a "thumbs down" for the most part even though I enjoyed the film up until the end which decayed into a "handheld camera bobbling around trying to focus on a mysterious figure in the distance and finally falls to the ground as it's owner is slain". Sound familiar?
Human Pork Chop
(2001)
Chunkblower Alert! This One Will Send Vomit Spewing!
2 March 2002
Well now, I'm just not too sure what to make of this movie. It's another Oriental "Body Horror" flick and it's aim is to inflict as much harm pain as possible to the victim of the movie, as well as the viewer. I must say that I do really love the name of it but watching it is a totally different animal altogether. I suppose if you're into seeing a group of some really unlikable people (let's do this in degrees) mistreat, humiliate, degrade, torment, hurt, torture, and mutilate another human being for a hour and a half, then this just might be your cup of tea. It wasn't mine. And the toilet scene was almost enough to send me spewing chunks my damn self. That was super nasty! It's something I can NEVER "un-see" and really made me wonder why I ever wanted to watch this filthy mess to begin with. Those horrid scenes of feces eating lingered in my mind long after the film had actually ended. They say that this film is based on a true crime event in Asian history so that makes it even worse and just goes to show you how wickedly perverse and evil some people can really be. And that, my friends, might be the greatest horror of them all.
Zu Warriors
(2001)
The Greatest Flying Kung-Fu Movie Ever!
2 March 2002
The Greatest "Flying Kung Fu" Movie of all time! And to be quite honest with you, I have no earthly idea what the HELL this movie is about... But it IS very entertaining. Almost every scene is crammed full of computer enhanced visuals and special effects. This is Tsui Hark's "10-Year In The Making" sequel to WARRIORS OF THE ZU MOUNTAINS. And it kicks ass! There's a whole handfull of wires in this one, but you never really get the chance to see them because of all the incredable action scenes that fill this "watching a comic book on the screeen" fiasco of gravity defiance. Since it's obviously based on some Chinese mythology or legend, which I failed to really comprehend, let me just describe it in terms that we can all understand... It's CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON meets THE MATRIX!
Bio-Zombie
(1998)
A Chinese RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD!
2 March 2002
They called this zombie film the "unofficial" RESIDENT EVIL movie. I'm a huge fan of the PlayStation BIOHAZARD (aka Resident Evil) game series but I just could not find any REAL similarities between the two at all. Aside from that, the movie itself is surprisingly entertaining and fun to watch. I'd say it was better to call it a Chinese version of RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD instead. It's very lighthearted and the characters are super zany which is a hoot to see since my only other exposure to Jordan Chan was his role as a gang thug and killer from the Triad epic YOUNG AND DANGEROUS series. And Francis Ng, well, let's just say that his role certainly fits. But don't be discouraged by this, this film does have it's share of streaming wet, juicy red splatter as well.
Battle Royale
(2000)
The Greatest Japanese Film Of All Time!
2 March 2002
Kinji Fukasaku's violent visions of a future in which high school children are randomly kidnapped, whisked away to an isolated island, given weapons, and forced to kill each other in various wonderful, creative, blood splattered, gore filled ways is, without a doubt, just simply a pleasure to watch. It's "go right for the jugular" attitude is unexpected and certainly welcomed in a movie which could ONLY be made in an overseas market. This film is quite possibly the COOLEST product to ever hit my DVD player! But I will say that it was also sad and nearly brought tears to my eyes to see all those beautiful young Japanese girls get murdered when I could most certainly think of a better, more pleasurable way to occupy their time on that island... if you know what I mean. Aside from that though, it's "reality show" atmosphere is also a great feeling since I'm a big fan of the SURVIVOR television series. But mark my words, this movie, once it gets some world exposure, will probably spawn a plethora of wanna-be's and cheap imitations and cause a quite a ruckus when some stupid kid decides to go into his school and kill one of his classmates because he saw it in this movie. The media will have a field day with it and the film will most likely be banned all around the world, which will, of course, drive up the demand for it and the whole mess will start all over again. But I confess... I loved it! This was a Real Treasure that reconfirmed my affection for movies that try to go "too far". I must say... "Arrigato, Kinji-San".
Anaza hevun
(2000)
A Supra-Slick Japanese Action / Horror Flick!
2 March 2002
Okay, first, think David Fincher's SE7EN with INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and that's what you get with this supra-slick Japanese action/horror flick. All the ingrediants are included: gorgeous Japanese gals covered in blood, grisly crime scenes featuring brains in boiling soup, and cops chasing serial killers possessed by spirits of Angels or Aliens. I'm not too sure which, but you can make the decision after watching it yourself. The only drawback I could possibly think of would have to be that ALL the "Goddess-like" Japanese women in this film should have had a nude scene and not just the main star's girlfriend. It's also alittle more "mainstream" compared to most of the other movies I've reviewed so far. But other than that, this is a much overlooked gem in the Japanese action/horror cinema and I recommend it to any fan of the genre.
Space Travelers
(2000)
Not An Animated Movie And NOT About Space! HUH?!
2 March 2002
I know... I know... this ISN'T the animated movie. But it IS a pretty good Japanese action / comedy flick and believe it or not, it really has nothing to do with space at all. I can't tell you why the name is what it is without spoiling the plot of the movie but I will say it has something to do with Ando Masanobu (of BATTLE ROYALE fame) and his favorite Anime (Japanese cartoon) series and we'll leave it at that. I can say that it's a basic bank robbery film where there are the robbers, the hostages, the police, and big "get-away" at the end but NEVER assume too much with Japanese movies. This is an extremely pleasing film to watch and I'm glad I took the chance to pick it up sight unseen on Region 3 DVD.
Evil Dead Trap
(1988)
Japanese Horror Movie with Porn Stars!
2 March 2002
Now before you ask that question, this is NOT associated with the Sam Raimi classics. This is a pretty whacked Japanese horror movie of evil monster fetuses with bad attitudes. Not a really outstanding movie by any means, but I kept feeling like I was watching an older Italian slasher flick, especially with the GOBLIN-esque musical soundtrack pumping in at the action sequences. If you've ever seen any of Dario Argento's impressive horror movies, then you'll know exactly what the impression is I'm referring to. I also kept thinking to myself that there's just something strangely odd about the girls in this flick. And come to find out, they were actual AV Idol Pornstars. WOW! Japanese pornstars in a horror movie getting naked and getting "offed" in glorious deep red ways...Well, it makes this worth the money already!
Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment
(1985 Video)
A Snuff Movie... SNUFF did you say?!
2 March 2002
SNUFF, you say?! Well, we'd all like to think that these "films" are merely Urban Legends, but who's really to say for sure whether or not they actually exist in our world. And for purchase no less. Enter GUINEA PIG: THE DEVIL'S EXPERIMENT. This "movie", straight from Land of the Rising Sun, is a real eye-opener and gut-buster for sure. Plot, simple... kidnap a young Japanese girl, beat her, burn her, and mutilate the poor thing for over an hour. Now, before you start to call the authorities, let just say that the Special Edition of this film has a "Making Of" feature and we'll leave it at that. But this thing, most definitely, is for jaded HARDCORE viewers only. It weighs really heavy on you and with the small nuances of the film, like the fact that there's no opening or ending credits and that the "actors" in the film have their eyes blacked out with bars for the sake of authenticity, really lends a hand to the entire experience of this shocker for sure. After finishing this frightfully offensive movie, I remember thinking to myself... "What the HELL have I just seen here? I think I just saw something that I shouldn't!" Now I just know that sock full of nuts and bolts sure looked real when they smacked her across the face with it. Not to mention, the gutteral scream that she bellowed out when that scalding hot water hit her elbow with that fleshy exposed wound. Ehmmm... makes my knees go weak just thinking about it. Be careful. I'm warning you, BE CAREFUL with this one! I swear it! I've tried to warn you! DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM!!!
Horrible High Heels
(1996)
A Righteous Fiasco of Sleaze and Chunkblowing!
2 March 2002
Yup, you're probably wondering about the name. Nope, it's NOT a transvestite or homosexual film! It's more wacky fun from the "Body Horror" genre. Triple H (no, not the wrestler) is Category 3 at it's best (or worst, whichever the case may be). It's ingredients are: one part porn movie, one part Kung-Fu Theatre, one part cheezy B action flick, and one part TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Well, how can you go wrong with that, huh?! Basic storyline... a group of gangsta's help to supply a shoe store with a new fantastic line of special imported leather. The reason it's so special is because it's made from human skin! Anyone's a potential victim but they prefer young men and women. Softer and more elastic, I guess. If they catch ya, they'll kill ya, cut ya up, and skin ya for shoe leather. But not only that, there's scenes a-plenty of rape, murder, exploitation, and foul behavior that can only be seen as totally vile, totally loathsome, and just down right nasty. One in particular involves a picture of a woman's face with her mouth cut out taped to a live duck ass-end up. I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks of that story. And one thing I just couldn't quite understand, if you love someone, why would you want to urinate on them the first chance you get them alone? Like I said before, just plain nasty. Movies like this could give China a really bad name.
Ebola Syndrome
(1996)
NASTY! NASTY! NASTY!
2 March 2002
Well, in the "Underground Cinema", you certainly meet all kinds of strange, disgusting, repulsive, and unredeemable people but I have to admit that Anthony Wong takes the cake for the the MOST repugnant, appalling man in existance. I mean, the guy displays just about everything that's loathsome in the human male psyche. I also found myself laughing, trying to figure out what the next nastiest thing he could do would be. And this, in my opinion, is the ultimate downfall of this despicable Category 3 shocker. I quickly forgot that this film should be disturbing in it's presentation of human outrage and saw it as somewhat of a slapstick and downright silly waste of a potentially fantastic idea which is really a sad thing because I had such high hopes for this sleazer. Now, don't get me wrong, there's enough "unspeakable acts of exaggerated revulsion" to go around and you'll see things that no should ever have to witness but I felt this entire experience was lost in the comedic antics from the film's "bad guy".
Man Behind the Sun
(1988)
Shocking Violence and Horror! But Not That Bad...
2 March 2002
The hype is finally over! I've seen this movie and I'm now ready to comment on it. And the first word that comes to my mind is "overrated". This is a film fantasy turned quasi-reality about Japan's war crimes against China during the end of World War 2. I'm not saying it's a bad movie but it's certainly not the "Be All, End All Shocker of All Time!" that it's been labeled for all these years. Actually if you edit out a couple of torture scenes, you could even air this puppy on the History Channel as a war documentary. I suppose I was really expecting a juicy, moist, and graphic atrocity flick in which the Chinese victims would be subjected to all kinds of inhuman punishment and abuse. I mean, isn't that what a "War Crime" is anyway?! But maybe I was expecting just too much from this movie to begin with, yet in it's defense, there are a few scenes that are rather unnerving and unsettling, so I guess it's not a total bust. But what I really wanted was to be SHOCKED!
Tell Your Friends