johnspringer-95440 Reviews

IF (I) (2024)

Kind of A Mess

[3/10 · 22 May 2024]

Despite an A-list cast and a fun premise this movie is an incoherent disappointment. The tone is all over the place. It goes from dour to goofy to trying-too-hard-to-be-whimsical and back. The pacing is also inconsistent; and the entire middle third of the movie seems like padding to elongate a simple story. The big and very predicatble plot twist is basically Fight Club for kids, but without the dark humor or incisive commentary. There are parts of the movie that are colorful and kinetic but I doubt even young children will get much out of it because the story and characters are dull and unrelatable.

Malignant (I) (2021)

They Couldn't Decide Whether They Were Serious

[4/10 · 20 May 2024]

This movie has a goofy premise, ridiculous dialogue, stilted performances, a twist that's both bonkers and predictable, and cringe-so-hard-you'll-laugh action. It's a recipe for campy satire. But the direction, editing and score all seem genuinely earnest. Imagine if Evil Dead 2 or Pirhana 3D was directed and played as straight horror and you'll get a sense for this movie's bizarre tonal incongruity. If it was intended as satire then it's too deadpan for the audience to be in on the joke. If it was intended to be serious, and I suspect it was, then it's one of the most inept horror movies ever made.

Upgrade (2018)

Low Budget SciFi Action Done Well

[7/10 · 18 May 2024]

In a near future the quadriplegic survivor of an assault gets a chance at revenge when he receives a prototype spinal implant from a reclusive tech genius.

I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of this movie, especially considering the budget. The cinematography is good; the pace is brisk; and the script is efficient and often darkly funny without lapsing into camp. The bursts of action are intense and efficient. The premise and the concerns about abdicating responsibility to technology aren't especially original but they're used effectively. Overall a good find among the recent offerings that have popped up on Netflix.

Bodkin (2024– )

They couldn't stick the landing

[6/10 · 17 May 2024]

Bodkin focuses on a trio of clashing personalities who are investigating disappearances in rural Ireland for a podcast. The early episodes are engrossing and dryly funny, particularly in the contrast between reality and the stereotypical American perception of Ireland as an idyllic ancestral utopia. As the series progresses the tone becomes darker and the narrative fragments. It gets progressively less funny but it remains engrossing. And then there's the seventh and final episode, an unsatisfying disappointment that wraps everything up with a goofy setpiece, fails to provide closure on the fate of the most interesting character, and steals its denoument directly from B. J. Novak's Vengeance.

The Accountant (2016)

Distasteful

[5/10 · 16 May 2024]

Ben Affleck is a mathematics prodigy who freelances as an accountant for some of the world's most notorious criminal organizations. He also happens to be a highly skilled assassin. Then some bad stuff happens and yada, yada, yada, he's a one-man army out for justice, etc. All fine and dandy. It's got decent action, a good pace and some excellent supporting performances.

The problem is that Affleck's character is also supposed to be severely autistic. (He later says he has a high-functioning form of autism, but that's not what's depicted in flashbacks to his childhood.) The movie endorses the bizarre Hollywood trope of treating autism as some sort of intellectual superpower. (See also The Predator.) It also posits that autism is something one can control through, of all things, exposure therapy. It's not helped by Affleck's inconsistent performance. His character goes from having a flat affect and body language to being highly expressive from scene to scene, as if the manifestations of autism can be overcome through focus and/or exposure to particular stimuli.

I imagine the filmmakers had good intentions; but regardless the results are exploitative and distasteful.

Madame Web (2024)

My Mom Was In The Amazon Watching Madame Web Right Before She Died Of Boredom

[2/10 · 14 May 2024]

Yes, it's really that bad. I can't fault the cast because they had nothing with which to work. Otherwise every aspect of this movie is beneath contempt. The script, first and foremost, is atrocious. The plot is goofy and the dialogue is inane expositional tripe. The direction is awful too. There's a self-serious earnestness to everything that makes the dreadful dialogue even more grating. The action scenes look cheap and the action is tepid. It's also obvious they overdubbed the villian's dialogue and didn't even bother to try to match it with the actor's mouth. I guess by that point in production some sound editor figured the movie couldn't be any worse anyway and stopped trying. 2 stars because if this movie is very lucky it'll be a future so-bad-it's-good classic like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room.

Blue Velvet (1986)

This Couldn't Get Made Today ...

[8/10 · 13 May 2024]

... at least not by a Hollywood studio. It may be David Lynch's last movie with coherent, mostly linear narrative. Nearly 40 years later it's also still his most disturbing. It's a look at the nasty, teeming underbelly of the apple-pie-and-baseball facade of small town America. It's frank and casually brutal in its depictions of sadism, masochism and degeneracy. The images are disturbing and their implications even more so. Kyle McLaughlin and Laura Dern give stilted performances but I think that was intentional - as inhabitants of the manicured lawn facade there's something forced and unnatural about them. Meanwhile Dennis Hopper and Isabella Rosselini steal the show in the roles of people who have no illusions about who and what they are. Overall a disturbing but fascinating movie.

Twister (I) (1996)

Good Cheesy Fun

[7/10 · 13 May 2024]

It's a great big slice of unapologetically campy effects-driven cheese. Nebbish television weatherman Bill gets drawn back into his former life as a balls-out tornado tamer thanks to ex-wife Jo and her loveable band of scrappy underdog stormchasers. Meanwhile fraudster Dr. Jonas leads his own team of well-funded stormchasers as he attempts to steal credit for Bill and Jo's invention. Dr. Jonas is slimy but the real antagonist here is the weather, a premise that's precisely as ridiculous as it sounds. The characters are broad caricatures, the dialogue is triumphantly corny and the effects are epically over-the-top. Enjoy it for what it is.

Prisoners (2013)

Somewhat Let Down By Its Script

[7/10 · 13 May 2024]

Half of this movie is a tense and atmospheric thriller/crime procedural that benefits from excellent performances, a fittingly dour tone and some far-fetched but entertaining red herrings. The actions of a vigilante priest are particularly incredible; and the villain's master plan doesn't make much sense. But the resolution of the mystery and the way the puzzle pieces fit together are still satisfying.

The other half of this movie is a morality play about the lengths to which seemingly good people will go when they think they have a justification to do evil. However the script lacks the courage to take this idea to its logical extreme. By the end Hugh Jackman's avenging dad has done horrible things for which he will do some form of penance (jail or worse.) But he's never forced to confront the possibility that he imprisoned and brutalized a truly innocent man. Instead his decisions are largely redeemed when we discover that Jackson's prisoner - while undoubtedly also a victim and mentally imparied - did in fact kidnap Jackman's daughter and does indeed know where she is. If the script wasn't willing to go all in on the potentially horrific implications of Jackman's choices then the movie would've worked better if it omitted them entirely.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Lacking The "It" Factor

[4/10 · 8 May 2024]

On paper this has most of the elements to be a rollicking Indiana Jones adventure, but the viewing experience is flat and underwhelming. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly where things went wrong. An overreliance on goofy CGI certainly didn't help. Neither did the rather lame villains, the grating characters of Mutt and George McHale, the ludicrous action setpieces, or the fact you had squint really hard to picture 64-year-old Harrison Ford as a swashbuckling brawler. Whatever flaws were responsible, this movie lacked the inimitable "it" factor of its predecessors (even the comparatively lackluster Temple of Doom): a sense of fun. It's not the dour outright character assassination that was Dial of Destiny, but it also doesn't belong in the same franchise as the excellent 1980s Indy trilogy.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)

The Weakest of The Trilogy

[6/10 · 8 May 2024]

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull belongs in another franchise. Dial of Destiny barely even qualifies as a movie. The leaves Temple of Doom with the ignominious distinction of being the weakest entry in the Indiana Jones trilogy, following on the heels of the masterpiece that was Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Temple of Doom isn't bad so much as underwhelming. Despite the most graphic depictions of violence in the series it's got a goofier, more juvenile tone. Harrison Ford is as gruffly charismatic as ever but his character is reduced to some silly shenanigans. Ke Huy Quan makes the perfect kid-friendly sidekick whereas Kate Capshaw's damsel is just annoying. The action is cartoonish, the villains are pantomime caricatures and the supernatural mcguffin is lame. Fortunately the filmmakers were smart enough to course correct and redeem the series in The Last Crusade.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

A Fitting Send-Off For A Legendary Character

[9/10 · 8 May 2024]

It's a welcome return to form for Indiana Jones after the frivolous dip in quality that was The Temple of Doom. As the final film in the trilogy* it deftly recaptures the adventure, the action, the brisk pace, the compelling characters, the humor and the triumph of the superlative Raiders of the Lost Ark. The interactions between Indy and his father are one of the movie's highlights and ground the plot in an emotional center that never feels smarmy or cloying. There's a bittersweet nostalgia in watching Indy literally ride off into the sunset at the end of his final adventure.

* I'm aware that they eventually made two more installments but both are, in their own ways, atrocious and should not be viewed by anyone.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

One Of The All-Time Greats

[10/10 · 8 May 2024]

It was released over 40 years ago and set a standard for action/adventure movies that's yet to be equalled. By now some of the effects appear dated, but otherwise this movie is superlative in every aspect: plot, dialogue, characters, performances, stunts, score, humor, pace and direction. It deftly balances a light tone with some fairly dark implications to provide characters that seem both relatable and unpredictable. Harrison Ford and Karen Allen have disreputable charisma to burn in the lead roles. The villains, too, are sophisticated in their amalgamation of menance and banality. They're not supervillians with grandiose plans for personal domination but rather functionaries ruthlessly pursuing their objectives. The movie is engaging from start to finish and showcases Steven Spielberg at the top of his game.

The Mummy (1999)

Just Fun

[8/10 · 7 May 2024]

I saw this again in the theater for its 25th anniversary re-release and it still holds up. It's a big-budget adventure featuring a likeable cast, kinetic action and PG-13 horror. The story is predictable but it's still charming and it has what feel like genuine stakes for the protagonists. It's been compared to the superior Raiders of the Lost Ark, although the comparisons aren't entirely apt. Raiders was a bit darker in tone and the characters were more nuanced. In contrast The Mummy is a bit more affable and character morality is clearly delineated from the outset. What both movies have, and what their many imitators lack, is an inimitable quality: a sense of engaging and satisying fun that pervades the proceedings.

Late Night with the Devil (2023)

Great Start, Loses Steam Toward The End

[7/10 · 7 May 2024]

In the 1970s a struggling television host tries to boost his sagging viewership with a supernatural Halloween special. What starts as a cynical ratings gambit becomes decidedly more sinister when possibly-genuine phenomena begin.

This has a cool original premise and an immersive period setting. David Dastmalchian nails the lead role and gives his talkshow host character a compelling combination of affability, incredulity and understated ruthlessness. The first half of the movie, in particular, perfectly balances the relatable with the vaguely-unsettling. After a strong start the plot starts to meander and the finale is underwhelming. It's not bad, but it's also not worthy of the expectations set by the first half.

Black Christmas (2019)

The Only Horror Here Was The Script

[1/10 · 4 May 2024]

For the first half of its runtime I was pretty sure this movie was an inept troll job intended to hyperbolize the inanity of academic feminism. Around the time I realized the filmmakers were serious this movie somehow became even worse; it went from an incompetent slasher to an atrocious supernatural horror. ("Horror" in this case describing the genre conventions. Nothing remotely horrifying actually happened in this lame, tedious, flaccid excuse for a film.) It's startling that anything this bad could've been made, let alone released, and it's not even fun enough to warrant a so-bad-its-good watch.

Red Rose (2022)

An Anachronistic Oddity

[6/10 · 2 May 2024]

English highschoolers are menaced by a malevolent cell phone app in this horror series. Despite some plot holes and overblown depictions of teen angst it does a decent job of maintaining intrigue and menace through the first half of the season. The premise is anachronistic. Although phone apps are relatively more recent, the premise feels like a throwback to the 1990s when computer technology and those adept at manipulating it were regarded with both awe and suspicion. As the series progresses deeper into the technological weeds and various malefactors are exposed it becomes more outlandish and less compelling.

Hellboy (2019)

A Waste of a Perfectly Good David Harbour

[5/10 · 2 May 2024]

This dreary attempt at a franchise reboot leans heavily into the darker elements of the IP and the recaptures some of the visual and body horror of the Ron Pearlman/Del Toro duology. But Del Toro balanced that horror with quirky wit, which this version is sorely lacking. What little humor it attempts mostly falls flat. David Harbour has a flair for deadpan comedy but you wouldn't know it from watching this. In fact his title character spends most of the movie acting petulant and yelling recriminations at people. The story is perfectly serviceable but it's not novel, surprising or remarkable in any way.

Dead Boy Detectives (2024– )

Another YA Supernatural Misfire

[2/10 · 27 April 2024]

It has paper-thin characters, rushed character development, repetitive expositional dialogue, inconsistent world-building, and lame supernatural dangers. The "cases" the titular characters take on are simplistic and easily-resolved. It seems like the series is for a young teenage audience but it also has elements that are inappropriate for that demographic like repeated f-bombs and a simulated orgy scene. The performers are apparently trying to be whimsical and kinetic most of the time. None of them have the chops to pull it off and they just come across as cloying, obnoxious and goofy. Their general hyperactive quippiness also undercuts the show's few attempts at genuine pathos.

Dirty Harry (1971)

Now More Than Ever

[8/10 · 26 April 2024]

On the mean streets of San Francisco no-nonsense cop Harry Callahan dispenses his particular brand of justice out of the smoking barrel of his S&W revolver. With a psycho named the Zodiac ... er, the Scorpio Killer on the loose Harry's reluctant superiors give him the dirty job of ending the maniac's reign of terror. But then they undermine his efforts with pedantic blathering about due process and the impropriety of extrajudicial torture. What a bunch of wimps!

This movie is a lot of things. It's a showcase for star Clint Eastwood, who proved his laconic hardcase persona could be bankable beyond of the dying western genre. It's a fictional revenge fantasy against the real-life Zodiac Killer, whose depredations were recent history in the Bay Area. It's an unapologetic .44 magnum in the face of the criminal-coddling hippy dippy late 1960s. (See also 2024.) Mostly, though, it's a highly entertaining crime thriller/procedural with great performances, well-realized characters and a compelling story.

Hellraiser (1987)

Horrifying Horror

[8/10 · 26 April 2024]

It's 1980s low-budget horror, with everything that implies: stilted acting, low-tech practical effects and dated cinematography. Some of the practical effects are admittedly quite well done; but what really makes this a classic that still holds up today is the sense of grimy, bumptious nastiness that pervades it. The premise and the underlying implications of frustration, boredom, lust, betrayal, obsession and family dysfunction are more relatable and disconcerting than the standard "antagonist chopping up dumb teenagers" scary movie fare. It's one of the few movies of any era to bear the moniker "horror" that is actually horrifying in its concept and execution.

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Al Gore's Independence Day

[3/10 · 25 April 2024]

Like Independence Day it's big, dumb, ridiculous and hammy. Like an Al Gore climate documentary it's boring, sanctimonious and cloying. For a big disaster movie the effects are pretty tame, the scale is surprisingly small and the tension is non-existent.

An exciting way for the intrepid band of heroes to defy the odds and save the day from a killer storm outbreak would be: (a) set off a controlled nuclear explosion in the eye of the storm; (b) arm the population of Texas with Princess Vespa-sized hairdryers and aim them at the clouds; or (c) lecture federal officials about how they should've done something earlier, then do glorified FA until the storm ends on its own. If you answered (c) your name is Roland Emmerich and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Repo Man (1984)

A Quirky Litmus Test of Viewer Tastes

[7/10 · 24 April 2024]

Part of this movie is a sardonic and darkly funny satire of social alienation, consumerism, unskilled employment and urban blight in the 1980s. Emilio Estevez and Richard Dean Stanton nail their respective roles; there's something particularly honest in the depiction of a young person who insouciantly takes a lousy job but develops a sense of obligation to an older mentor who defines himself by that same job. Part of this movie is an absurdist farce featuring government conspiracies and time-traveling aliens. The characters and their motivations are wildly inconsistent; depending on your point of view this either keeps things unpredictable or simply makes no sense. In fact whether you find the whole production hilariously quirky or frustratingly inane will largely be a matter of personal taste. I tend more towards the former but acknowledge that the movie's novel and funny elements don't fully make up for its flaws.

The Synanon Fix (2024)

Interesting But Overlong And Self-Indulgent

[5/10 · 23 April 2024]

A novel drug rehabilitation program devolves from a well-intentioned social experiment into a dangerous cult in this four-part documentary. The group's charismatic leader was able to exert increasing control until the cult members abdicated independent thought and free will. It's nothing that many other cult documentaries haven't already covered but it's disturbing nonetheless. Unfortunately the documentary's pace is plodding, the subject-matter is often repetitive, the series hammers every point ad nauseum and it takes a very long time to get anywhere. Pared down to 2 hours or so this could've been harrowing; but at a tedious and self-indulgent 4+ hours it loses a lot of its potential impact.

Rebel Moon - Part Two: The Scargiver (2024)

Not That Bad

[6/10 · 21 April 2024]

Any criticism you want to level at this movie is probably justified. The characters are one-dimensional and underdeveloped. The plot is basic and predictable. The dialogue is trite and expository. That said, this movie is neither incompetent nor devoid of Snyder's signature visual style; especially the last 65 minutes or so. It's one giant multi-stage battle and it's pretty well done.

The movie is an enjoyable enough way to turn your brain off for a couple hours. It certainly isn't particularly memorable or novel, but it's also not the useless absolute trainwreck that smug professional critics suggest.