claudiacasswell Reviews

Hollywood Homicide (2003)

Truly Lame

[22 October 2003]

I am sorry to report that HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE is not worth even a $4.00 rental fee. I have always enjoyed the works of Harrison Ford but I must admit to be completely confused as to why an actor of his stature would agree to appear in a dud like this one.

The dialog is inane, the "jokes" don't work, and every buddy-cop cliche is re-hashed. The only redeeming value here is the appearance of two really, really sexy mature actresses -- Lolita Davidovich and Lena Olin, both of whom light up the screen. Unfortunately, as delightful as they are to look at, it's not enough to make up for the insipid plot and dull performances by the male characters.

Oh yes, I almost forgot -- the score gave me a headache.

CLAUDIA'S BOTTOM LINE: I'd rather spend the evening cleaning the crud out of my bathtub than watching this stinker.

Gigli (2003)

It's Really As Bad As They Say

[2 August 2003]

How does a movie like this ever get released? Aren't there studio executives who actually screen the film before they allow it to be shown to the public? And isn't it their job to say "Hmmmmmm, this is one really bad movie. Maybe we should shelve it rather than try to cheat our customers out of a $9.00 admission." Taking money from people to allow them to see GIGLI borders on consumer fraud.

There were about twenty people in the theater when the movie began. Fewer than five were still there by the time this moronic piece of trash mercifully ended. One of the patrons "broke wind" rather loudly midway through the screening -- that event was the highlight of the movie-going experience and a welcome break from the on-screen action.

I would comment on the plot, dialog, acting, etc, but that would be a waste of bandwidth. Simply put, this movie smells worse than my underwear.

Johnny English (2003)

A Waste

[30 July 2003]

I thought "Bean" was a tremendously funny movie. Unfortunately, I never even got a mild chuckle out of "Johnny English" (well, during the first 45 minutes anyway -- I walked out of the theater at that point deciding not to waste any more time on this dud). I didn't really hear anyone else in the theater laughing either so it puzzles me a great deal to find reviewers here who actually thought this movie was funny.

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

A Feast For The Eyes

[3 July 2003]

CHARLIE"S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE is a very disappointing sequel in many respects. The special effects were overdone, the plot was so weak as to be non-existent and the dialog was dull dull dull, lacking the wit of the original.

The ONLY reason to see this movie is to feast your eyes on Cameron, Lucy, and Drew, three incredibly hot babes. And if you like your gals a little more mature, Demi Moore at 40 years of age looks absolutely great in her underwear.

All in all, if you like to see great-looking babes on the screen, this is a very satisfying movie, otherwise, you'll be disappointed.

The Fat Spy (1966)

Fat Piece of Cinematic Garbage

[15 November 2002]

One would have to search pretty long and hard to find a worse movie than THE FAT SPY. This mid-Sixties teenage beach "comedy" is about as funny as an ingrown toenail. And the music is actually painful to listen to. Jayne Mansfield, not exactly one of your more talented actresses to begin with, turns in an exceptionally bad performance. Moreover, her legendary body is carrying an awful lot of excess baggage at this point in her life.

CLAUDIA'S BOTTOM LINE: Please don't ever ever ever subject yourself this turkey.

High Crimes (2002)

A Waste of Time and Money

[2 November 2002]

I found HIGH CRIMES to be a putrid movie in all respects. The plot is cliche-ridden and tired, the dialogue is laughably bad, and the acting horrendous except for Morgan Freeman. Ashley Judd shows very little talent in portraying a smart-mouthed perky lawyer defending her husband in a military trial. The only likable character in this dud was Morgan Freeman's dog.

CLAUDIA'S BOTTOM LINE: Smells worse than my feet.

City by the Sea (2002)

Boring, Boring, Boring

[7 September 2002]

Notwithstanding its fine cast, CITY BY THE SEA is dull and predictable. I guess that is the result of trying to stretch a magazine article into a full-blown movie screenplay.

Also, it saddens me to say that Mr. DeNiro, one of America's finest actors, is once again cast in a mediocre movie which does nothing to stretch his considerable acting talent. His recent dramatic efforts, CITY BY THE SEA, THE SCORE, 15 MINUTES, MEN OF HONOR, RONIN were all lackluster films in which he seems to play the same role. I think it's time for him to call his old friend Martin Scorsese and team up again.

CLAUDIA'S BOTTOM LINE: This yawner will be available soon at your local video store.

Showtime (2002)

Not Worth the Rental Price

[23 August 2002]

I can understand why Eddie Murphy did this movie. He plays the same tired part he has played many times before and no doubt enjoys picking up the paychecks for a minimal amount of effort. However, for the life of me I cannot understand how an actor of Robert DeNiro's stature could stoop to participating in this dull rehash of every buddy-cop movie ever made. The plot is moronic and the dialog is inane. DeNiro struggles through the movie and does a credible job with the lame script. Murphy simply is not funny. SHOWTIME should be re-released as BEVERLY HILLS COP 26.

Claudia's Bottom Line: A tired, sad effort.

Our Dancing Daughters (1928)

See Joan Dance

[30 July 2002]

The 1928 silent film OUR DANCING DAUGHTERS is the story of three flappers and their efforts to marry the men of their dreams. Ann (Anita Page) is a conniving little tramp who passes herself off as a 'good girl' in order to win the affections of Ben Blaine (Johnny Mack Brown), millionaire from Birmingham. Diana (Joan Crawford) is a good girl who passes herself off as a bad girl as she too pursues Ben's affections. Bea (Dorothy Sebastian) used to be a bad girl but is now a good girl and hopes to marry Norman (Nils Asther), who must live with the agony of knowing that Bea was once 'free with her love'. Ben doesn't seem to know what the hell he wants and doesn't seem to know very much about women either. Throughout the film, the girls' mothers dispense motherly advice and, inexplicably, share underwear with their daughters.

Ms Crawford was hitting her stride with MGM in '28 and OUR DANCING DAUGHTERS is the best of seven Joan Crawford films released that year and the one that launched her to stardom. The scene in which she danced the Charleston was the highlight of this movie. Unfortunately the title is a bit misleading because there is in fact very little dancing in this film.

Claudia's Bottom Line: Rather boring and predictable, but check out Joan's Charleston.

Las Vegas Hillbillys (1966)

Hee Haw Goes West

[29 July 2002]

Las Vegas Hillbillys is a low-budget B-minus movie in all respects. Of importance to film buffs is the fact that Jayne Mansfield and Mamie Van Doren, two rival big blonde bombshells, both star in this movie. Reportedly, the gals disliked each other so much that scenes in which they were both to appear together were shot with doubles so that they would not have to meet on the set.

The plot, if one could call it that, centers around a country-western singer (Ferlin Husky) from Tennessee who inherits a run-down Las Vegas nightclub. Mamie plays Boots Malone, the club manager and Jayne plays Tawny Downs, a Las Vegas entertainer and the dead uncle's "protege", a term used in 1950's movies for a mistress.

My sole intent in watching this battle-of-the-bosoms was to judge for myself, in head-to-head competition, which of the two blonde bombshells was 1.) the better actress, and 2.) the sexier on screen. My task was complicated by the fact that neither of the goddesses were showcased in particularly steamy roles, despite their reputations as among the hottest female stars of their era.

The results of my admittedly unscientific experiment: Jayne sweeps both categories. She wins the better actress category largely by default because Ms Van Doren is so horribly, horribly bad in this film. And in the sex appeal category, Jayne wins by a narrower margin not because of greater attributes, but rather because she simply struts her stuff more effectively. Even us gals who are not blessed with movie star quality looks can learn a lot from Jayne.

A word of warning - I bought this cheapo video as part of a two-pack set of Mamie Van Doren films distributed by Entertainment Programs International (EPI) in Marina Del Ray, California. The video quality was so poor as to almost make the movie unwatchable. They even misspell the film title on the box, which gives you an idea of their dedication to producing a quality product. You get what you pay for.

Claudia's Bottom Line: Painful to watch, but worth it if you care to catch a glimpse of two of Hollywood's biggest sex symbols of the 1950's and 1960's.

John Q (2002)

Enjoyable Action Movie

[28 July 2002]

Okay, this movie will not make the American Film Institute Top 100 list, but it is damn fine entertainment. Even though any human being with an IQ over 20 will be able to figure out the ending to this flick, getting there is a thoroughly enjoyable journey. (In fact, I saw the trailer for John Q in a movie theater and the entire plot was revealed there. Someone really needs to tell the Hollywood marketing people that they are absolutely ruining the movie viewing experience for people by showing clips from all of the important scenes in the previews of coming attractions.) And while the movie is very entertaining, it also says a lot about the dismal state of the U.S. healthcare system which fails miserably to meet the needs of the poor and working poor.

John Q is all about Denzel.... what more is there to say? In a familiar, comfortable role for him, he delivers the type of performance that keeps us paying to his films. Rounded out by solid performances from Ray Liotta and Robert Duvall, John Q is a great Saturday night rental.

Claudia's Bottom Line: Fire up the Jiffy-Pop, pop open a can of Coke, pop in the video and enjoy a nice evening at home

Wings (1927)

Worth a Look

[28 July 2002]

You probably know that Wings was the first winner of the Academy Award for "Best Picture". That, and the presence of Clara Bow make this movie worth a look.

Wings is a story about two young men, played by Richard Arlen and Buddy Rogers, who become aviators and go off to fight the war in Europe. Clara Bow plays the girl-next-door. Oddly, it seemed to me that the boys were more interested in each other than in the lovely Miss Bow.

Although she does a fine job here, I much prefer to see Clara Bow in "It Girl" roles, as a carefree flapper. Clara was the biggest sex symbol of her time and her talents were not fully displayed here.

Claudia's Bottom Line: Not bad for its time, but not one of Clara's best.

Madam Satan (1930)

Don't Waste Your Money

[26 July 2002]

I don't know what possessed me to spend $20.00 on this turkey.

There is very little to recommend in Madam Satan. The movie centers around the marital difficulties of Angela Brooks (Kay Johnson) and her playboy husband Bob (Reginald Denny). Hubby Bob is a rich, spoiled drunkard who cheats on his wife who he considers to be frigid. As such, he is thoroughly unlikable. In fact, I can't remember ever hating a character as much as this one.

Most of the acting is mediocre, at best. The only really decent performance is turned in by Lillian Roth, as Trixie.

The finale takes place on a Zeppelin and includes unimaginative musical numbers. Up to this point, the plot is quite weak, but once the scenes shift to the dirigible, the plot becomes idiotic.

This MGM/UA film is advertised as a pre-production code "Forbidden Hollywood" movie but is not at all sexy.

Claudia's Bottom Line: This piece of junk deserves to be relegated to the dustbin of Hollywood history. If you watch more than 20 minutes, you really need to get a life.

Road to Perdition (2002)

Visually Stunning, But An Overall Disappointment

[25 July 2002]

I don't know what audience this movie is trying to reach. As a gangster film, the action scenes are gripping but one must endure long dramatic scenes between. And for those who hope to enjoy a boy-bonds-with-his-dad drama, I'm afraid that they won't appreciate the violence. To top it off, Perdition has pretensions of being an art-house film.

Visually, the movie is quite stunning and artful. One would expect this of a film directed by Sam Mendes who also directed American Beauty. The acting is first rate across-the-board. Character development was weak. And if you're looking for sex or nudity (basic elements of a good movie, in my opinion), look elsewhere.

And am I the only person who found the score to be heavy-handed? The violins wailed and the piano rang out in every single scene. Rather than supporting the action on the screen, the score was intrusive and annoying. No kidding, there is a scene where the piano reaches a grand fortissimo as Tom Hanks simply opens a garage door to hop in his car.

Claudia's Bottom Line: Would have been better as a straight gangster movie.

Footlight Parade (1933)

Depression Era Musical Masterpiece

[9/10 · 23 July 2002]

Footlight Parade is among the best of the 1930's musical comedy extravaganzas. A snappy script and an all-star cast including Jimmy Cagney, the lovely Joan Blondell, Dick Powell, and Ruby Keeler make this film a cut above the rest. Directed and choreographed by the creative genius Busby Berkeley, this film will have you grinning from ear-to-ear from start to finish.

Busby, of course, is the undisputed master of the Hollywood musical with "Gold Diggers of 1933" and "42nd Street" to his credit (as Dance Director). Footlight Parade is graced by hundreds of scantily-clad chorus girls, a Berkeley trademark. The elaborate dance numbers were shot with only one camera and Busby was the first director to film close-ups of the dancers. His obsession with shapely legs and "rear-view" shots is amply demonstrated here. The overall effect is highly erotic and mesmerizing.

Our boy Jimmy Cagney plays Chester Kent, a producer of "prologues" or short musical stage productions that were performed in movie theaters to entertain the audience before the talkies were shown. He's surrounded by crooked partners, a corporate spy, and a gold-digging girlfriend. Although Cagney had a solid background in vaudeville, this was the first film in which he showed his dancing talents. Joan Blondell is memorable as Cagney's wise-cracking, lovestruck secretary. And Ruby Keeler is adorable, as always.

The film climaxes with three outstanding production numbers, "Honeymoon Hotel", "The Waterfall", and "Shanghai Lil", each one a masterpiece and not likely to be duplicated in today's Hollywood where so-called "special effects" have replaced creative cinematography.

Claudia's Bottom Line: Clever and erotic, with some of the best musical production numbers ever put on celluloid. A thoroughly enjoyable Depression era romp.

One Night at McCool's (2001)

Great Cast and Offbeat Humor

[21 July 2002]

The first time I watched this flick I was more than a little tipsy (Mondavi Woodbridge Chardonnay) and found it to be a darkly comic masterpiece of modern cinema. Watching it again, under more sober circumstances, I was less impressed, but still found it to be a pretty entertaining film. The cast is outstanding and the movie really is pretty funny, in an offbeat way. Michael Douglas as Mr. Burmeister is cast in his strangest role ever and is very effective. And Liv Tyler is so overpoweringly sexy in this movie that I had to hit the "pause" button midway through the flick and run off to take a cold shower. Paul Reiser, John Goodman, Matt Dillon, and Andrew Dice Clay (that's right, I said Andrew Dice Clay) all turn in solid performances.

If you like dark humor, this one's for you, Bud.

Claudia's Bottom Line: Pour yourself a tall one, sit back, and enjoy.

Shining Through (1992)

Great Entertainment

[20 July 2002]

Shining Through has everything one could ask for in a movie -- big stars, great acting, suspense, drama, and a fine score. But first and foremost, Shining Through is all about Melanie Griffith, the only real female mega-star of our time (sorry, Julia). This is one of Melanie's meatiest roles and she is at her absolute peak of physical beauty. I'll admit she may not be the greatest actress to grace the silver screen but she does a wonderful job here and I am certain that this performance will win over many of her detractors. Although the secretary-from-Queens-becomes-international-WWII-spy premise might strain credibility a bit, once you get into it you can sit back and enjoy the ride.

Michael Douglas is superb, as always. I was also blown away by Joely Richardson as Margrete and wish that her relationship with our Melanie could have been developed further. Would love to see more of her! Liam Neeson seemed a little too wimpy for a high-ranking German Officer but, what the hell, it's only a movie. Ludwig Haas's portrayal of Adolf Hitler marked the crowning achievement in his long and distinguished career -- a far sight better than his appearance in Zärtliche Chaoten.

Bottom line from Claudia: A real movie-lover's movie.

Wild at Heart (1990)

David Lynch Misses the Mark

[19 July 2002]

I watched this movie again for the third or fourth time since its release, desperately wanting to like it. I believe David Lynch is a genius (Mulholland Drive, Blue Velvet, and Eraserhead are among my favorites of all time) and I love Nicolas Cage and Laura Dern. Sadly, I was again disappointed. Wild at Heart is simply a boring movie that has not aged well. Although I am not a big fan of Natural Born Killers, I thought it was a much better bad-boy-and-bad-girl-on-the-run movie. The only bright spot in this film is Diane Ladd in the role of Lula's (Laura Dern) slightly deranged mother.

The Fireball (1950)

Quite Enjoyable Little Film

[18 July 2002]

If you are willing to suspend disbelief for 84 minutes and accept that someone who has never skated can become a roller derby champion in a matter of weeks or months, then you just might enjoy this movie. I watched it only to see Marilyn Monroe in one of her earliest roles and wound up actually liking the movie. Pat O'Brien gives a solid performance in a familiar role as Father O'Hara and it is difficult not to fall in love with Beverly Tyler as Mickey Rooney's loyal, suffering girlfriend. And while Miss Monroe's role is a very minor one with only a few lines, her presence in this film, by definition, makes it a classic.

Men in Black II (2002)

Nothing New Here

[4/10 · 16 July 2002]

Men in Black II was a very disappointing sequel. There was absolutely nothing new to offer -- same basic plot, same special effects. The movie contained a few funny lines but it was not nearly as humorous as the original. The acting was good, as one would expect from Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, but not good enough to pull this dud of a movie out of the dumpster.

Vanilla Sky (2001)

Neither Erotic Nor Thrilling

[26 May 2002]

There is very little to recommend in this film. Billed as an "erotic thriller", it is neither. The intentionally confusing plot finally comes together at the end, however by then I no longer cared, having suffered through mediocre acting and terrible dialogue. Kurt Russell was particularly unconvincing as a psychiatrist and the writers seem to have reserved the worst of the dialogue for him (I'm not kidding, some of his lines were so bad that I laughed out loud).

Exit Wounds (2001)

For Seagal Fans

[6/10 · 17 March 2002]

If you are a Steven Seagal fan (as I am) and are willing to overlook a rather silly plot, sit back and enjoy the action. Seagal is at his best when playing a bad-boy urban cop as he does in this flick. The movie contains a lot of good action and some genuinely funny moments. Jill Hennessy is lovely to look at but hopelessly miscast as the commander of a troubled police precinct. If you're not a Seagal fan, you probably won't enjoy Exit Wounds.

We Were Soldiers (2002)

Not Very Entertaining

[2 March 2002]

The early buzz on "We Were Soldiers" centered around its historically accurate portrayal of the VietNam War. Unfortunately, historical accuracy does not necessarily translate into an entertaining film (imagine a two-and-a-half hour epic on Thomas Edison's work on the electric light bulb). One may argue that films like "Apocalypse Now", "The Deer Hunter", and "Full Metal Jacket" were distortions of the VietNam reality, however, they were damn good entertainment and that's why we pay $9.50 for two hours of seat rental. Who would you rather see landing a Huey in a hot LZ -- Robert Duvall and his troops blaring amplified Wagner or Greg Kinnear, on the verge of tears?

Mel Gibson and Sam Elliot were superb in their roles. Madeline Stowe, in a bad wig, was miscast as Moore's (Mel Gibson) wife. In fact, all of the wives portrayed in the film looked a little too much like Hollywood actresses.

Having suffered through "Black Hawk Down" recently (a mind-numbingly long battle scene passing itself off as a full-length feature movie), I was hoping that WWS would be as good as the advance hype. I was disappointed.